Mike's Election Guide

by Michael Moore

  How did voting start? Who cast the first ballot?

  Richie Bouton

  Uniontown, PA

  ANSWER: Voting began nearly 2,500 years ago in the first democracy, what we call “Greece.” Actually, Greece back then was 1,500 city-states along the Mediterranean and Black seas. From what we know of them they liked sports, ate a low-carb Mediterranean diet, and bathed with each other. They wrote the first plays, invented the art of philosophy and, if they were having a bad day, they killed themselves. Antidepressants hadn’t yet been invented.

  The oldest and most stable of these city-states was Athens. The Athenians did not want to waste their time with “representative” democracy, which required electing other people to, um, represent them. They believed in direct democracy, a crazy-cool way to give everybody a say and make sure that everyone is treated equal.

  Well, not exactly “equal” in old Athens. Only men over the age of 18 could vote. Slaves and women were apparently given other chores.

  But for those guys in their tunics, here’s how it worked:

  The public directly voted on all laws and policies instead of electing politicians to make laws. The Greeks figured, “Why do we need the middlemen? We don’t need professional politicians to make our decisions for us.”

  This concept was so radical that the word “democracy,” after the Greeks were conquered by the Romans, became the dirtiest word in politics for the next couple thousand years (until the word “liberal” was invented).

  But for the Greeks it worked. This is not to say the Greeks didn’t have public officials. They did. But they were chosen “by lot,” or at random. Anyone who wanted to be in charge of the Parthenon or director of public baths just put his name in a hat and then names were drawn. The Athenians thought this was the fairest way to do it, because it gave every candidate, whether rich or poor, famous or unknown, an equal chance of holding office.

  This wasn’t always the most efficient way to do things. Often they would pull a name out of the hat and it would be a Harriet Miers or a Heckuvajob Brownie.

  When it did come time to pass laws, thousands would show up. Anyone could speak. As they didn’t have to rush home to watch CSI: Sparta, they had lots of time to debate the issues. Each side had their best orators who would give their positions, and then after everyone had a chance to speak, they would vote and that would be that.

  It is commonly believed that the first Greek to cast a vote was a man by the name of Chadean Anastasias Gianopolis, around the year 482 B.C. He was so eager to be the first to vote that, when he thrust his arm forward to vote “aye,” he lunged so hard he fell over the railing. His long white robe caught on the rail and wrapped itself around his neck, leaving him hanging over the edge and instantly choking him to death. This is believed to be the origin of the term “a hanging chad.”

  Excuse me, but was that the first pun you’ve ever written?

  Si Green

  Berkeley, CA

  ANSWER: Yes. I’m not quite sure what came over me. I have never trafficked in puns and I detest all who do. Them and those who unnecessarily alliterate. It won’t happen again.

  Why should I vote? It only encourages them.

  Red Malokowski

  Red Hook, Brooklyn

  ANSWER: This is true. The more you show up to vote for politicians, the more they think you like what they do. Of course, if you didn’t vote, then the only ones who would show up at the polls would be the politicians voting for themselves. Which means they would always win. So not voting isn’t a solution.

  But where does voting get us? In most elections, 97 percent of the members of the House of Representatives who run for re-election are returned to Washington. That is a higher return rate than the old Soviet Politburo had, where only 91 percent of its comrades were returned after each election. What does it say about our country when politicians behind the Iron Curtain had a better chance of being removed from office than they do here in the Land of the Free?

  If voting doesn’t really change anything, then isn’t it a little bit like recycling your plastic soda bottles? It makes you feel like you’re doing something important and necessary, but in the long haul it isn’t really dealing with the root of the problem. The questions we should be posing are, “Why are we using petrochemicals to make soda bottles? And why are we drinking soda in the first place?”

  Likewise, if 97 percent of Congress that runs every two years gets re-elected, what kind of message is that? “Good job, boys! More war! More poor! We don’t need health insurance!I want to pay more for gasoline!” That’s what we say when we line up like lemmings at the polls and convince ourselves we’re doing our patriotic duty by voting for the same old boys’ network.

  Just once, wouldn’t you like to vote FOR someone instead of AGAINST him?

  I suggest that from now on when you vote for a candidate you see that as only the first step in the process. Then commit yourself to following their voting record, sending them emails and letters, and promising to work for their ouster if they are not representing you.

  Otherwise, just voting for them is a waste of time. It’s like handing your teenager the keys, taking away his condoms, and saying, “Have fun! Do what you want! See you in two years! We promise not to call or bother you!”

  I’m a little light in the pocket right now. Can my vote be bought?

  Joe Ventura

  Grass Valley, CA

  ANSWER: Actually, it works the other way. Politicians do not pay you—you pay them. And whoever pays them the most, gets the most things done.

  For instance, if you send a check for $25 to a presidential candidate, he or she will greatly appreciate that. But not as much as if you send them $4 million, like the energy & oil industries have given so far to the Republican presidential candidates, and the nearly $3 million they’ve given to the Democratic presidential candidates. Or the $8 million the big security and investment firms have given to Senator Obama, and the $5 million they’ve given to Senator McCain. By giving them each a large amount of money, this guarantees that Exxon Mobil or Morgan Stanley will get the laws they want enacted and maybe even help them avoid prosecution when it’s discovered they cooked the books.

  There have been many examples of this recently. For instance . . .

  Ever wonder why lawmakers are so afraid to pass even modest gun control laws? It’s not because of people like you and me, who are able to bag bucks, squirrels, and turkeys without using armor-piercing ammo or a semi-automatic assault rifle. No, it’s because the National Rifle Association and its fellow gun-hugging organizations have handed out more than $17 million to federal lawmakers over the past several years, with the vast majority of that money channeled to Republicans’ pockets. Do gun-control advocates really think their paltry $1.7 million in contributions over that same time period is going to buy them quality gun-control legislation? Get real! We live in a free market economy where you get what you pay for, and $17 million sure buys a lot more political clout than $1.7 million.

  And . . .

  Thanks to a $300-million lobbying effort by the banking industry, then-Senator Phil Gramm authored legislation that repealed important federal banking regulations in the late 1990s and also cleared the way for the big Swiss bank UBS to gobble up its competition. The deregulation policies Gramm championed led to lax government oversight of investment banking, and many economists connect this to one of the biggest financial disasters in the country: the $200 billion sub-prime mortgage mess.

  (Oh, by the way, after his Senate career, Gramm went on to become a Vice Chairman at UBS in 2002. He registered as a lobbyist in 2004, and has lobbied Congress as recently as 2007 on mortgage crisis legislation. He’s now one of Senator McCain’s top economic advisors, the campaign co-chairman. There’s speculation that, if elected, McCain would appoint him to serve as Treasury Secretary. But that was before Gramm said that the American people were “whining” too much about the economy. As this book goes to press, Gramm was still the co-chairma
n of the campaign but was running things from a spider hole in Alaska.)

  You get what you pay for in American politics. All 25 bucks gets you is a guarantee that every presidential speech will end with that phrase that makes you feel all warm and gooey and patriotic: “God bless the United States of America!”

  Cough up a lot more and you’ve got a front row seat at the trough.

  Is it true Democrats drink from a sippy cup and sleep with the light on?

  Debbi Steffen

  St. Ignace, MI

  ANSWER: Yes. They’re a frightened bunch, and I’m not sure I know why. The American people handed them control of Congress in a stunning victory in November of 2006. Maybe that’s the answer: the Democrats were so stunned by actually winning for once, they still haven’t recovered.

  So, yes, they still sleep with the light on. Some want you to read them a bedtime story and then read it to them again, and again. Others just want to hug their Barney dinosaurs and play “let’s be nice” with their Harry Reid action figures.

  The Democrats have had nearly two years to cut off funding for the war—and haven’t. They’ve had nearly two years to stop the oil companies from gouging us—and haven’t. Their excuse is that, “Well, daddy will just veto anything I do!” Maybe daddy will, but your job is to be the voice of the American people, not do what daddy wants you to do.

  The Republicans are the opposite of this. That’s why most Americans like them. Guts. Grit. No apologies. Stand up for what you say you believe in, no matter how crazy or wrong it is. The public finds something cool about that and thus would prefer to vote for someone who bravely stands for their beliefs as opposed to a party that backs down and wimpers every time we need them to do the right thing.

  All we can do is hope that this childish behavior will change after the election. If not, we will just have to take their thumbs out of their mouths, turn out the light, and let them cry themselves to sleep.

  OK, so our electoral system is a mess and the Democrats are a bunch of wimps. But America can still kick ass, right?

  Fred Trimble

  Stone Mt., GA

  ANSWER: Um, no. I mean we used to. And we’d like to think we still can.

  But the truth is that we have turned into a bunch of sickly, clueless, useless wimps. If we were attacked tomorrow—I mean REALLY attacked—we wouldn’t know the first thing about defending ourselves. It’s a good thing we’re still clinging to 10,000 nuclear warheads, ’cause if our dirty little secret ever got out, we’d be doomed!

  Two-thirds of us are overweight, and if we ever are invaded, just how long do you think we’d last in our Scooter chairs? The CDC predicts that one in three of our children—one in two of our Latino children—born in 2000 will become diabetic in their lifetime simply because of their poor diets and lack of exercise. Where oh where will we find the next group of healthy recruits for the next war?

  In fact, having 45 million of one’s own people with no health insurance is not the best way to be prepared if you need to fight back. Shouldn’t the first rule of any homeland security policy be a fit and healthy nation—just in case! In other words, my conservative friends, don’t support universal healthcare because it’s the morally right thing to do—insist upon it to protect your own ass!

  In addition to being too fat and too sick to defend ourselves, we have also turned into a bunch of wimps. A friend of mine was telling me how his son was only allowed to throw 38 pitches at his Little League game—because Little League rules these days limit how many pitches kids can throw so they don’t hurt their arms! Hurt their arms throwing a baseball? Do you think Al Qaeda is worried about their kids’ arms? Hell no!

  This overprotection of our children has reached a fever pitch. Children are watched like hawks. Every minute of their day, including playtime, is scheduled by the parents. Every little sore throat could be pneumonia. Every C grade becomes the end of the world. And if they seem a little fidgety, give them a pill. If they seem a little rebellious, give them two pills. And if they are sometimes sad, get them to a shrink—quick. Whatever happened to “Go out in the street and play!”?

  Out in the street, where there are . . . cars?

  Yep. That street. Where we all played as kids. Sure every neighborhood lost someone, but it toughened everyone else up. Can you imagine Al Qaeda worrying about their kids playing in the streets?! Don’t let the terrorists win!

  While more of us live in fear and keep guns in our houses because of some misbegotten belief that those guns will protect us from a “home invader,” fewer and fewer of us actually know how to accurately fire them. Hunting license applications are decreasing each year. Contrary to the perception that we are a nation of rednecks with gun racks on the backs of our pickups, the truth is most of us don’t have a clue as to how to properly fire a weapon at a screaming terrorist coming our way. We go to bed each night with the belief that enough of the poor in need of a job have signed up to defend us. Yes, the same poor people who are among the most unhealthy and out-of-shape and who haven’t seen a doctor in years, if ever.

  Well, here’s the bad news: The military is having a hard time hitting its recruitment goals, and standards for new recruits are sinking to new lows. Gee, I wonder why? Starting unnecessary wars that send up to 100,000 kids home from the service without eyes, arms, and legs is not the best recruitment strategy.

  Ok, so we can’t defend ourselves and we won’t have enough poor kids to do it for us—so what are we to do?

  Here are a few ideas:

  1.No more play dates for the kids. Let them fend for themselves and make their own arrangements with other kids. Let them run loose around the neighborhood playing “Al Qaeda vs. Army.”

  2.Close down all McDonald’s. Make it illegal to sell a soft drink in a container that holds more than 8 ounces. Stop all corn subsidies and bring back good old-fashioned sugar (see Chapter 3 of this book).

  3.One hour of each workday becomes mandatory for exercise and firearms training. Rich bastards who wish to be defended against the impending Al Qaeda attack must pay to have their employees ready to defend them and their possessions.

  4.Shut down the Scooter Store. Unless you are paralyzed or severely disabled, you are to get up and walk, using your own two legs.

  5.Little League pitchers can throw as many pitches as they want until the coach pulls them outta the game. And when the game is over, the kids can walk home. In the street.

  Mike, if I have to move north of the border after the next presidential election because McCain has won, what do I need to know about Canada and Canadians?

  Tami Lane

  Norman, OK

  ANSWER: Well, first of all, don’t even think of leaving us behind to deal with another god-awful frickin’ mess! You’re staying here just like we all are! Call us masochists or call us Americans but we’re here for the long haul, buddy.

  Ok, listen, I feel your pain. Who hasn’t at one time or another in the last eight years thought about making like Rocket Man and flying off with Major Tom? It sucks to watch the country you love being shoveled into the gutter and made either the laughingstock of—or the most hated force in—the Empire.

  But if you have to head north after a (gulp!) McCain victory, here are a few tips that could be useful, based on living most of my life within earshot of a nonstop loop of Gordon Lightfoot:

  1.Canadians will subtly say the opposite of what they mean, often keeping a straight face. It’s called “irony.” They also apply this in a form of humour (bring a lot of “u”s with you) known as “satire.”

  2.Canadians have very little desire to wreak violence upon you—unless you have a puck they want.

  3.You will need to learn the metric system (this should be reason enough to convince you to stay here). And you’ll never truly master it, thus holding up the line at Tim Horton’s every single day.

  4.You will not need to learn French. The Canadians will claim to be a bilingual people, and you will see a lot of signs in English
and French, but don’t worry—it’s just for show so that the people in Quebec don’t split off and join Greenland. In fact, if you do move to Canada, move to Quebec. They’re so pissed at everything, you’ll feel right at home. None of them will speak English to you, so if you’re looking for some peace and quiet, Quebec is your place. Eventually you’ll pick up French and that will allow you to move again (when you’ve had your fill of Canadian politics) to that other country we all want to move to—France!

  5.Finish any dental work you’re in the middle of before you leave the U.S. While the Canadian healthcare system is much better than ours (it’s free, it’s for everyone), they don’t cover dental. Enter the country with good teeth and you are guaranteed to live two years longer than if you had stayed in the USA.

  6.Get ready to listen to a lot of complaining. Things are so good in Canada, after a while people there tend to take it for granted that 40 million of their people don’t live in poverty—heck, they don’t even have 40 million people! The crime rate is low, the schools are decent, and the chocolate is real. But they get bored easily and, with no real problems to bitch about, they start making shit up. Like the Irish and the British, they absolutely hate it when one of their own ends up doing better than everyone else. They’ll tear him to shreds. This keeps many afraid of doing well, and that’s why no great inventions since the telephone have come out of Canada.

  7.They still drink like a sieve and smoke like a stack. I don’t know why this is. See #6.

  8.Learn whatever you can about American government and history before you head there because whatever you think you know about America, they will know more. It’s uncanny and it’s scary. But I guess that’s why they’ve studied up on their next-door neighbor.

  ’Cause their neighbor is sorta scary.

  2

  How to Elect John McCain

  Or, How Many Democrats Does It Take to Lose the Most Winnable Presidential Election in American History?

  A blueprint for how to blow it.