Hold On to Me

by Lucia Franco

  He had a feeling it was going to be a restless night.

  John groaned at the blaring alarm. His eyes felt like sandpaper and his head pounded. He was lucky if he got two full hours of sleep.

  The conversation he had with Alyssa weighed heavily on his conscience, pretty much the sole reason he couldn’t sleep. It didn’t help that he hadn’t seen her in months either. He regretted acting the way he did. She was under a tremendous amount of constant stress and like the asshole he was, he was only adding to it. But at the same time, they were just friends? John shook his head over the stupid word. They were definitely more than friends.

  Knowing she was probably still sleeping, John sent Alyssa a quick text.

  I’m sorry for hanging up on you. Forgive me?

  Standing up, John grabbed some clothes and headed to the private bathroom he shared with his roommates who were still asleep. He turned the water as hot as he could stand, stripped his clothes off leaving him in only his dog tags and then stepped in. The scolding hot water flowed over his shoulders, cascading down his back and his chest, slipping past his ripped stomach to his muscled thighs.

  Just friends, John said to himself as he palmed his cock. They were not just friends two months ago when they were kissing on his bed. Friends don’t do that. Friends don’t touch friends the way they do. Friends don’t look at each other with heat, passion, intense need. And friends don’t lean on each other in the way they do, running to one another at their darkest hour.

  But if she wanted to be just friends, that’s all she would get from him then. Friendship. He’d give her some space to work things out and wait. He wouldn’t call or text, he wouldn’t drive home to see her. He’d wait for as long as he could, until she was ready.

  John stroked his cock slowly and groaned. Damn. He hadn’t been laid in months.

  He was ruined for anyone else. Another stroke … And John moaned, squeezing the head tight. He thought of Alyssa and her cute belly, her beautiful ocean colored eyes. Another pump in his hand. He thought about the first time he kissed her, the way her lips felt against his, so soft and sweet. The first time he made her go four wheeling that led to their first time making love. The way … John groaned loudly at the thoughts going through his head as he pushed his hips forward. The way it felt when he slid into her for the first time, her thighs squeezing him the way she squeezed his shaft. John picked up the pace, caressing his dick and thrusting his hips into his hand. The way she looked at him each time they were together. Even under the hot shower, he shivered thinking about making love to Alyssa again. His balls tightened, his orgasm impending. John leaned against the wall, holding himself up with one hand as he continued to pump his shaft. He was so close … the blood was rising and his heartbeat sped up as he stroked faster. Almost … There … So … Close … One more stroke and John saw stars as he orgasmed into his hand. He tightened his grip around his cock feeling the straining veins along the side and twisted it up and down, drawing out the overdue orgasm as long as he could. Sweet Jesus that was heaven on earth. It was exactly what he needed.

  John stepped out of the shower, toweling dry his body. He wiped the mirror with his palm. His chest was beet red and his eyes had bags under them. He grabbed his phone to check the time and noticed a text from Alyssa. He hadn’t expected her to be awake.

  You’re forgiven. <3

  John grinned. She added a heart. Alyssa thought she could be just friends with him. Well, she had another thing coming. He was going to make her fall in love with him. The soul searing kind of love where there’s no turning back. The kind of love that is felt deep inside the bone. Forever.

  They had it once, they would have it again. It was going to take some work on his part, but they would have it all.

  A sharp shooting pain shot through Alyssa’s body, waking her up. She grabbed her stomach and held her breath. Dear God. Now that had to be a contraction. The pain was excruciating, like a burning fire searing her stomach while it bunched into a tight ball.

  As her stomach slowly began to relax, she exhaled. Alyssa didn’t get much sleep. Between John hanging up on her, to the way her stomach would stiffen on and off throughout the night, Alyssa was exhausted. She reached for her phone to check the time and noticed a text from John. She had only fallen asleep about an hour ago.

  Alyssa read the text and responded. It wasn’t easy for her to stay mad at him. Before she could process another thought, another contraction ripped through causing her to lose her breath. Alyssa gripped the phone in her hand, turning on her side wishing away the pain. She needed to get to the hospital … but that meant waking up Diane for a ride. What a predicament she was in. Sighing, Alyssa rolled out of bed, holding the bottom of her stomach in her hand. She went to Diane’s bedroom door that was slightly cracked open. She tapped on it lightly and whispered, “Diane? Diane?”

  She didn’t even have to try again, Diane woke up immediately. “Alyssa? Everything okay, dear?”

  She pushed the door ajar. “I think I’m in labor, but I can’t tell.” Ruffling blankets and footsteps, Diane was in front of her in seconds. The woman always looked so well put together, even for just rolling out of bed. She placed a hand atop Alyssa’s belly. “Don’t worry, honey, I didn’t know I was in labor either. I don’t think any first time mom does. It wasn’t until we were on our way to the hospital that Luke’s head was poppin’ out!” Diane’s eyes grew huge. “It’s normal. Go get your hospital bag and I’ll grab the keys and wake Clark.”

  “Okay.”

  Panic set in and another contraction swept through. She palmed her stomach, held her breath and counted the seconds until it was gone. Could she do this? Would she be able to do this? To be in labor, alone? She waited nine months for this moment and she was suddenly completely clueless. All the reading and preparing she did during her pregnancy went out the window with her brain as she sat stone faced on John’s bed. Her mind was running a mile a minute but nothing made sense.

  Diane popped her head in John’s room. “You—what are you doing? Get your stuff!”

  Wide, blank eyes stared back at Diane. Her chin quivered as she said, “I’m scared.”

  “Oh, honey. It will be okay. I’m here for you. Where are your things? I’ll get them for you.”

  “In the closet.”

  Diane shuffled over and picked up her bag. Walking back to Alyssa, she placed her hand in hers. “Let’s get going, honey. The hospital is a good twenty minutes away.”

  Alyssa followed Diane out of John’s room to where Clark was standing. He took the hospital bag from Diane. “You’re in good hands,” Clark winked at Alyssa. “Remember to breathe, okay? I used to tell Di that because she would forget.”

  Diane, Alyssa and Clark rushed out to the car. Diane opened the door for Alyssa and climbed in next to her while Clark got behind the steering wheel.

  Ten minutes into the drive, Alyssa had another contraction. “Remember to breathe. I know it feels better to hold your breath, but you can’t, okay? Just breathe.”

  “I am,” she gritted. She was beginning to sweat.

  Diane chuckled. “I used to hate when Clark would tell me to breathe. I felt like he was sayin’ to just relax. And that is the worst thing to say to a pregnant woman.”

  “You forgot with each delivery,” Clark chimed in.

  Alyssa couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re right. I’ll try to remember.”

  “Alyssa,” she eased in “are you going to call John and let him know?”

  “No … I mean, not yet. Please don’t tell him. I will.” Diane stayed quiet. “It’s not that I’m going to keep it a secret, I don’t want him to ask for another emergency leave. Training is important and I don’t want him to leave again on my account.”

  Diane flattened her lips.

  “I’m sorry if this upsets you.”

  “It does, but it doesn’t, honey. I can see it from both perspectives and respect your wishes.”

  “Thank you. If I call him now, I know
he’s going to rush home and I don’t want that for him. Then I’ll be worried about him while in labor and I’m sure you will too.”

  “You have a point. I won’t say a word.”

  Fourteen hours later, Alyssa was holding her daughter.

  A daughter. The ultrasound had been wrong.

  Alyssa was holding her baby girl in her arms and all she wanted to do was cry happy tears. She was elated, full of joy, so happy that she saw stars. All she could do was smile at her little flushed face.

  Labor hadn’t been easy, but she had Diane by her side the whole time. Diane asked on numerous occasions if she wanted to call Lauren, but Alyssa refused. She knew her mother would refuse her and she didn’t want that negativity while she was bringing a life into this world.

  Diane had been her rock through it all. She couldn’t imagine going through labor without her. Who knew you would forget to breathe, too?

  Alyssa felt like a semi-truck hit her but had miraculously lived through it. Her entire body was sore, aching, and she could hardly keep her eyes open. She felt like she could sleep for a week straight. She needed one more look at her daughter before she handed her over to the nurse.

  “Have you picked a name for her?” Diane asked, smiling.

  “I’m thinking Brooke Elyse. What do you think?”

  “I think it’s a beautiful name. Perfect.”

  Alyssa beamed. “Do you want to hold her?”

  Diane’s face lit up. “You know I do! Hand that precious baby over to Grandma.”

  Alyssa’s smile faltered and she bit her lip. What if Brooke wasn’t her granddaughter after all? Paranoia set in. Would they think she used them?

  “Wipe that frown off your face. You just had a healthy baby girl,” Diane ordered. “I know what you’re thinking,” she said, gently rocking Brooke Elyse. “Regardless of who the father is, I will always be Grandma, if you’ll allow it.”

  Alyssa’s heart soared.

  Diane returned the smile. “Get some rest. Lord knows you’re gonna need it. I’ll make sure she’s put to sleep.”

  “Thank you, Diane. Again, for everything.”

  A day later, Alyssa was on her way home from the hospital. She was sitting in the back seat with Brooke Elyse watching her suck her thumb. She was so tiny in the blue train themed car seat. Light blonde ringlets were peeking out of her beanie. Alyssa had been told once that she was born with a head of hair so that’s where she assumed Brooke got it from.

  Her mom … Alyssa’s shoulders sagged. The euphoric joy she was high on washed away at the thought of her mother. Was she that upset with her that she discarded her daughter like a piece of trash? A tear ran down her cheek as she looked at Brooke again. She couldn’t imagine doing something like that to her child.

  “You doin’ okay, sweetie?”

  Alyssa smiled weakly. “I am. Just really happy,” she lied.

  “I know the feeling.”

  Diane and Clark had kept their word and not said anything to John even though he’d been blowing up her phone. She felt bad, but she wasn’t ready yet. Her gut told her he would be upset that she hadn’t called him, but she had her own reasons why she didn’t. She was in a weird place. She didn’t want John to feel like he had to be there, and she knew he had testing coming up, so she wasn’t going to add more pressure to him. It was the last thing she wanted. Plus, she had Diane right by her side the entire time. So she wasn’t alone.

  Pulling into the driveway, Alyssa unbuckled Brooke. She nestled her to her chest as she walked up to the house.

  Just walking those few steps hurt like a bitch. Alyssa ached from the delivery. It even hurt to pee. She probably looked like she just went horseback riding–bareback style–but there was nothing she could do about it.

  As she settled into John’s room and placed Brooke in the bassinet, John sent her a text.

  Yours Truly: I know you’re mad at me, but please let me know you’re okay. I’m worried.

  Alyssa frowned. Mad? Why was he so worried?

  I’m fine. Why would I be mad at you?

  Yours Truly: You’ve been ignoring my calls. Just thought you were mad.

  I’m not. Just been busy is all.

  Yours Truly: Are you busy? Can I call you now?

  She paused, trying to think of a plausible lie.

  Not right now. I’m exhausted and need to catch up on some sleep. Maybe tomorrow.

  Alyssa sighed. Lying was never the answer, but she didn’t have the energy.

  Yours Truly: Okay. I’m moving to South Carolina this weekend. So if you don’t hear from me, you know why. I’m planning on coming home the following weekend though.

  He was moving for his job. That suddenly upset her. It made no sense at all. Her emotions were all out of whack. Maybe it was the fact that he was moving on with his life and meeting his goals, where as she was feeling lost and her only goal at the moment was to make it to the next day and care for her daughter.

  Good luck with your move, John.

  John frowned at his phone. Not only did he have a notion that she was avoiding his phone calls, she called him John. He couldn’t remember the last time she had called him John. Something was definitely up. He had a gut feeling about it. Maybe she was anxious about her impending delivery. John knew the date was getting closer. This weekend he might not be able to make it home, but the following weekend he would surely make the trip. And he couldn’t wait to be there to hold her hand while she gave birth. He’d been looking forward to this day for the last few months now.

  The first week of motherhood flew by so fast, Alyssa didn’t even know what day it was when she woke that morning. Was it morning? Or was it still night time? She was delirious. Her eyes burned from lack of sleep and her body screamed to stay in bed, but she had a bundle of joy that needed to be fed.

  How the hell had she ever thought to leave the Jackson home before Brooke was born? It was a good thing Diane and Clark had talked her into staying. She was so grateful for them and all they did. Diane was pushing it at times, Alyssa could tell. Even though Diane had her MS under control, flare-ups happened occasionally and she didn’t want to be the root of them. However, Clark pulled her aside one day saying that he hadn’t seen Di that cheerful since before the MS had set in. So that was a good thing.

  She owed so much to that woman.

  Rolling over, she carefully swaddled Brooke to her breast and began nursing. A slight pinch and she felt her milk releasing. This was another thing she owed to Diane; she showed her how to breastfeed, something she desperately wanted for her child but didn’t know where to start. As Brooke nursed, her eyes scanned her milky skin and wondered who her daughter looked like. That thought crossed her mind ten times a day. Ben or John. It was still too early to tell by looking at her, but it wasn’t for a paternity test. That could be done at any time and her heart sank just thinking about it.

  Speaking of paternity testing, Ben’s arraignment was later today. She really didn’t want to bring Brooke, and luckily Diane offered to babysit.

  Pulling her sleeping daughter away, Alyssa gently laid her back down in the bassinet. She fixed her shirt then laid down herself. Within minutes she was asleep only to start the process over in two hours.

  Alyssa groaned at the obnoxious sound of vibrations coming from the nightstand. Sleep. She needed more sleep. She felt like she had just fallen asleep only five minutes ago.

  She barely opened her swollen eyes. Judging from the blinds, the sun was just coming up. The fan caused the blinds to lightly sway and a melancholy light blue color peeked underneath the bottom and into the bedroom. Glancing at her phone, Alyssa read the text from John.

  Yours Truly: Good luck today. I’m here if you need me.

  Alyssa’s heart softened. John was lending his shoulder from hundreds of miles away. He was giving her strength and support all the while completing his Aviation training. It truly amazed her that he cared so much to send a text like that. She thought he would’ve forgotten about the hea
ring, but he hadn’t. He could be out with friends, or have a girlfriend that she didn’t know about, yet he was sending her a text letting her know she was on his mind. Alyssa heaved a heavy sigh.

  A simple thank you was all she could respond with.

  Yours Truly: I miss the sound of your voice. I want to know how you’re doing, how much longer until our son is born. I know you’re dealing with a lot, but don’t shut me out. Please call me tonight.

  Our.

  Tears streamed down her cheeks as she sobbed silently, hunched over on John’s bed. Our son. He had said ‘our’ knowing that there was a chance she could be Ben’s. Her shoulders visibly shook as hot tears poured from her eyes. She couldn’t stop them from coming. She was hiccupping, little sounds escaping her throat. Not wanting to wake Brooke, Alyssa grabbed a pillow and placed it on her knees. She pressed her face into it and cried and cried, letting it all out. She hurt. Ached. The dull pain in her chest never seemed to go away. Alyssa was a wild mess and she only had herself to thank for it.

  Suck it up. Suck. It. Up. She forced herself from the bed. Alyssa wiped the tears away with the hem of her shirt, grabbed the baby monitor and walked to the bathroom. She had only a few hours before she had to be in court.

  Stepping out of the car, Alyssa locked it and dropped the keys into her purse. She took a deep breath and exhaled trying to get her nerves under control. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

  Her stomach was in knots, her palms sweaty and her hands jittery. Would she see Ben? And if so, what would he say? She wasn’t sure of much, but one thing she did know was that she was going to ask for a paternity test or figure out what she needed to do in order to request one.

  The doors to the court house opened and she walked through. “Where is family court,” she asked the police officer.

  “Straight down the hallway, turn left, and then go straight. You’ll see an officer. Sign in with him before heading into the courtroom.”