All of You

by Lindsay Detwiler

  “Don’t be crass,” I admonish, pretending to scowl.

  “Don’t be so damn sexy in a bikini beside me.”

  I try to think of a sexy comeback, playful banter, but I can’t. The next thing I know, we’re kissing in the middle of the lake, a picture-perfect autumn day around us.

  When we finally pull away and swim to the shore, I don’t think either of us is cold anymore.

  “My place?” Alex asks as we scramble for our towels.

  I shrug. “Your back seat cleaned out?”

  “If you don’t mind a few Dorito bags,” he says, grinning.

  “I happen to like Doritos,” I retort, rushing toward the back seat, Alex right behind me.

  “To new adventures,” he says as we cram in.

  “To new adventures,” I echo, and succumb to his kiss, a few Dorito bags crinkling underneath me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Alex

  A few nights later, I hear a knock at the door as I’m eating my dinner—cereal.

  Marley’s working at Georgia’s, so it can’t be her. Who the hell else would be knocking?

  I head to the door in my sweats and T-shirt, flinging back the door to see a shocking surprise.

  “Dad, what are you doing here?” I ask, truly not expecting to see him.

  He steps in the door. “Son. Good to see you, too.”

  “I’m just surprised is all. I wasn’t expecting you.” I step back, still holding my cereal bowl, truly shocked. I was not expecting this.

  “That’s the definition of a surprise, after all,” he says, letting himself into my apartment, appraising my living quarters with a serious glance.

  “So, what are you doing here?” I follow him in, setting the cereal bowl on my counter.

  “I had to speak at a conference a few hours from here. I figured I’d pop by since I’m so close. I only have a few hours until I have to make my flight.”

  “That’s great. How’d you know I wasn’t working?”

  “I actually popped by Rosewood to introduce myself. Dr. Conlan told me you were off tonight.”

  So he was checking up on me. Fantastic.

  I lead him to the sofa in the living room, offering him a seat. He sits, his back straight, his hands carefully positioned on his knees. He looks uncomfortable—then again, I haven’t known him to look comfortable.

  “Can I get you a drink?” I ask.

  “No, I’m fine. I just wanted to see how things are going. How’s residency?”

  “Great, Dad.”

  “You know, I was surprised Dr. Conlan said you had the night off. Alex, you’re trying to make a good impression here. You should be at the hospital every second you can. During my residency—”

  I interrupt. “You never took a single day off. I know, Dad. You’ve told me.”

  “It’s true. I didn’t take a day off. Alex, this is your work. This is your dream. You need to commit.”

  “And I am. I’m giving it my all.” I feel the frustration rising, but try to tell myself to keep it at bay. Dad means well. And even if he doesn’t, it’s just a few hours. I just have to make it through a few hours.

  “Are you still seeing that girl, Alex?”

  “Marley? Yes. Did Mom tell you?” I’d been talking about her to Mom the last few times I called. In truth, Marley’s basically consumed my thoughts. She’s all I talk about.

  “She did. I don’t think it’s a great idea, you know.”

  “Dad. Listen. I’m doing a good job at the hospital. I don’t think it hurts to have some fun outside of work. I’m building a life here, too.”

  “I don’t want you getting distracted.”

  “I don’t think getting distracted is all bad. I have to live a little, too, Dad.”

  “Living a little leads to sloppy work. This is your career you’re building, your reputation. I don’t want you wasting your time on some late-summer fling.” His judging gaze pierces through me, and I feel the threat of disappointment creep in.

  But I’m not the teenage Alex who would do anything just to get a nod from Dad. I love him and I respect him, but this is my life. I need to make my own way.

  “She’s not a fling. I love her,” I spew, anger now bubbling.

  “Watch your tone with me, Alex. You better watch your tone. You need to get it together, get over this.”

  “Or what, Dad?”

  “Or maybe you’ll be seeing less help. Financially and career-wise. Not everyone has the connections I do. Not everyone leaves residency primed for a top-notch position.”

  “You know what, Dad, maybe I don’t want it. Thanks, but no thanks. I’m building a life here, and I’m happy. Did you ever think California was your idea and not mine? Did you ever think I had something else in mind?”

  His cold stare appraises me. Our gazes are locked, and a chilling silence seeps between us. Finally, he speaks up, enunciating his words as if the pointed quality will make them stick. “You’re being an idiot, son. You’re better than this.”

  “Why, Dad? Because I have a different idea for my life than you?”

  “What’s happened to you? You’re falling apart, Alex,” Dad spews, rising from his seat, the vein in his forehead popping out.

  “What’s happened? I’ve found out there’s more to life than what you put on me. I’ve found my own way. I’ve found there are other things than work.”

  “Well, don’t come crying to me when it blows up in your face.”

  “I won’t.”

  We sulk in a screamingly silent moment, both brooding over the newfound tension between us. Maybe it’s getting away from home, or maybe it’s finding Marley, but suddenly, I see a new side of Dad I didn’t see before. I see the side that’s worried about success and appearances, not truly about my happiness.

  We bridge the gap with discussions of new medical research, the weather, and Mom. When he leaves for the airport, there is a simple, two-slap hug goodbye, and he’s gone, not another word spoken.

  I sink into the couch for a long moment, the tension still cutting through the air, the knowledge that traveling a slightly different path isn’t something my dad will approve of gripping me more than I’d like.

  ***

  I thought my fight with Dad would be the worst part of my night, the worst part of my week. I was irrevocably wrong.

  The next night, our fight is a distant memory, one I would go back and relive gladly.

  I sit in the middle of the sofa, stretched out, barely remembering how I got here. The past few hours are a fog, but they’re also crystal clear. They keep replaying in my head, over and over, nightmare fuel of the worst kind—the real kind.

  I’m still wearing my scrubs, the thought of a shower too painful to even consider right now. I sit, surrounded by the smell of the hospital that seeped into me, the lights off.

  Surrounded by the smell of death, of regret, of failure.

  It’s eleven, way earlier than I should be home from the night shift. Dr. Conlan, though, sent me home. There was no argument from me. There was no way I could stay another minute.

  My career is over. I’m done.

  And worst of all, I think Dad may have been right. I’ve lost my focus… and someone else had to pay the price for that.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Alex

  I wake up, still slumped onto the sofa, my neck throbbing, as someone pounds on the door. Light streams through the windows. I groan, feeling hungover even though I haven’t had a drop. It takes everything in me to stomp to the door. It’s probably Dr. Conlan coming to impart more words of wisdom, to reassure me like he did last night.

  But it won’t. A family is without their father, their grandfather, their husband, their brother. It’s my fault. If I had been more focused, if I had tried harder, this wouldn’t have happened.

  It’s all my fault.

  I turn the doorknob, vision blurred from the remnants of a few hours of sleep.

  It’s not Dr. Conlan, though.

  It�
��s Marley.

  She leaps through the door, wrapping her arms around me. I want to tell her to take a step back, that I haven’t showered, but once her arms are around my neck, I can’t. I fold into her, burying my head in her shoulder.

  I’m selfish right now. I can’t push her away, even though I should. I can’t tell her the “I’m fine” lie, and I can’t feel guilty for loving her, despite my dad’s warning.

  Because right now, holding her is what I need.

  “Hey, it’s okay, Alex. It’s okay. Dr. Conlan called me to tell me what happened.” She whispers her words as if she’s afraid speaking too loudly might break me. It just might. I’ve never felt this low, this messed up.

  “I fucked up, Marley. It was my fault.”

  “Shh, no. No, it wasn’t. You tried to help him. You tried to save him, you did. Dr. Conlan told me you did all the right things. You did everything right, Alex.”

  “He died, Marley. He died right in front of me, and I was powerless. I couldn’t save him. I didn’t save him,” I murmur, trying to shove back the tears that want to fall right now, trying to be strong. I grit my teeth, clenching my jaw and exhaling.

  “Come on, let’s sit down,” Marley says, leading me to my sofa.

  I slink into the sofa, burying my head in my hands. “I should’ve been able to save him.”

  “Hey, look at me,” she commands, putting a gentle hand under my chin, pulling my arms away from my face, and turning my head to look at her. I stare into those eyes I’ve stared into so many times. I feel steadied. I feel grounded in reality. “You can’t save everyone, Alex. You can’t. It was Mr. Bronson’s time. It was his time, you couldn’t stop it. Dr. Conlan wouldn’t have been able to stop it.”

  “Yeah, he would. He would’ve done better. If he wasn’t so damn tied up with the car accident victim, he’d have saved him. Or someone else. If someone else had been in my position, maybe Mr. Bronson would’ve lived. I should’ve known right away to check for internal bleeding. I should’ve checked quicker.”

  She pulls me to her. The tears don’t flow. Now, the secondary emotion is building. I’m pissed.

  Pissed at myself. Pissed at the situation. Pissed he had to die, pissed Dad is going to see this as a sign he’s right, that Marley’s distracted me.

  And pissed maybe he is right in some ways.

  “Listen, Alex. You’re a great doctor. Seriously. Dr. Conlan is tough on his staff, but he sings your praises every chance he gets. I know it must be hard to have what happened take place tonight. I know this is your first one. Joe told me he still remembers his first loss. It’s not easy, I know. But Alex, think of how many people you’ve saved. Think about how many you will save.”

  My breathing steadies. “But I should have saved him.”

  “Alex, you can’t be perfect. You’re not perfect. No one is. None of us are God. But just because you’re not perfect doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You did everything you were supposed to. It was just an unexpected tragedy, an unforeseen side effect. So stop beating yourself up. It’s okay to be sad about it. But it’s not okay to blame yourself. It’s not okay to tell yourself it’s your fault. And it’s not okay for you to give up on your dreams. You deserve this. You’re amazing.”

  “I let someone die tonight, Marley. He died in front of me.” The words keep sticking in my head, repeating themselves over and over.

  “But you also have helped so many people live. Like me. You saved me. You saved countless others. You need to stop focusing on your shortcomings and focus on what you’ve done. Alex, it’s like you told me. You deserve to find your happiness. You deserve to give yourself some credit. You’re doing a damn good job. Stop holding yourself to perfection. You can be a good doctor and let yourself live a little. And living means you’re going to make mistakes. You’re not going to be perfect. You have to get used to it. You have to learn to do the best you can and realize it’s good enough.”

  I stare at her, still feeling guilty. I still feel like I failed, and I still feel like shit.

  But, for the first time in my life, I also feel accepted for who I am. Not for who I might be. Not for the prestige I can earn, and not for the grades I get on my tests. I feel accepted for who Alex Evans really is, the good and bad. In her eyes, I see acceptance. I see a woman who will stand beside me, who will lift me up when I want to give up. I see a partner. I see a friend. I see a motivation to keep going when things get tough.

  I lost someone tonight, and that is awful. I know I’ll never forget this night, and I’ll never forget his name. I’ll never forget the helplessness I felt when he started slipping without warning. I’ll never forget the final look on his face or the look on his loved ones’ faces when we had to tell them the news.

  I know, too, though, I’ll never forget this moment right here, how even at my lowest of low moments, her expression, her words, her eyes brought me back. I’ll never forget the trust and support I see on her face right now.

  I’ll never forget the knowledge that Dad is completely wrong.

  Marley hasn’t distracted me from my dreams. She hasn’t forced me to lose focus.

  She’s done the opposite. She’s given me permission to chase my real dreams, and she’s given me the motivation to find happiness in this crazy life. She’s given purpose to my dreams.

  Sitting here with her, I realize before Marley, I was doing all of this as my life. Now, I’m doing all this to build a life with her, to find happiness with her.

  I’m not doing it for prestige or success. I’m doing it because being a doctor, being with Marley, they’re part of a collective dream I have now. They go hand in hand. This job is brutal and heartbreaking. It’s emotionally draining. But with Marley, I feel like it’s possible to find happiness in it and outside of it. I feel like I can find balance.

  “I love you,” I say, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. “Thank you. I think need to go get a shower.”

  “I’ll make you something to eat,” she responds with a smile.

  “What about work? Do you have to be up early tomorrow?” I ask, glancing at the time on my phone.

  “I called off. This is more important. I’m here for you, Alex. We’re here for each other, you know?”

  I smile. “You betcha,” I say, heading to the shower, my feet a little less heavy.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Alex

  A few weeks later, and I’m mostly back to myself, thanks to Marley and Doctor Conlan. The guilt has eased. I realized when I signed up for this career that loss was a part of the job.

  Still doesn’t make it easy.

  Sitting at the dining room table with Margaret, Joe, and Marley, I smile as I reach for my wineglass. It’s easy to see how much they love Marley.

  It’s easy to see how anyone could.

  Marley’s mom, Jolene, was invited tonight, of course, but she couldn’t make it. She had a date with some guy named Bill who Marley insists is bad news but didn’t really want to talk about.

  She seems okay, though. I think at this point, as sad as it is, Marley knows she can’t count on her mom.

  But she still feels the need to protect her.

  “I’m stuffed, Mrs. Conlan. That was the best roast beef I’ve ever had,” I say.

  “That’s because you’re used to eating Doritos and energy drinks,” Marley chimes in.

  Margaret points a finger at me. “That’s terrible. You come over anytime. Joe, you should have told me this poor boy needs a home-cooked meal. I’d have invited him over sooner.”

  Joe smiles. “Well, dear, to do that, these two lovebirds would have to make time to pop by instead of going out and doing whatever the young kids are doing these days.”

  Marley smiles. “Oh, stop. You know we love hanging with you two.”

  “Yeah, Joe. Speak for yourself. I’m young and hip still,” Margaret asserts, winking at us.

  She reaches over to pat Marley’s arm. “Will you come help me in the kitchen? I made some cookies, but I want to
get them onto trays.”

  “Sure thing,” Marley replies, turning to smile at me before following Margaret. Smoky rubs my leg and I reach down to pet the purring cat as the two women scurry off to the other room, talking and laughing about something on their way.

  Joe, sitting across from me, props his elbows on the table and folds his hands.

  “You two are so good for each other.” He says it pointedly but with a grin. He declares it like he’s giving approval. Maybe he is.

  “My dad seems to think she’s distracting me.” The words slip off my tongue. There’s something about Joe that makes me want to confide in him. I suppose it’s from our time together at the hospital. Another part of it is that he’s almost become like the dad I don’t have. A kind, empathetic one who is always perceptive to what I need.

  “Son, I think she’s grounding you. Being a doctor isn’t easy. You need someone who will keep you in check with real life. Marley will do that.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I see so much of my Margaret in her. Margaret’s the one who has kept me going, who has kept me wanting to do this job. I’m telling you, if you make this your life, you’re going to burn out. You’re going to wake up and wonder what it was all for. Keep that girl close. You’re good for each other.”

  I smile, knowing he’s right.

  “I just… I want to help her. I know she wants more than Georgia’s.”

  “I’ve been wanting more for her this whole time. I know why she won’t go to college. I know why she didn’t leave here. Margaret and I tried to tell her we’d watch over her mom, that we’d help her. But she won’t leave. I think she feels guilty. I think she just needs someone, the right someone, to give her a little shove,” Joe says, winking at me.

  “I don’t know how.”

  “You’re a smart guy. You’ll figure it out.” He reaches for his wineglass now, giving me a wink and a nod.

  “What are you two talking about?” Marley asks, coming back to the dining room with a serving tray of cookies.

  “Just life,” Joe responds.

  Marley raises an eyebrow, looking between us. “Sounds… interesting.”