by Marilyn S
We were out at the fire and I was sitting on the ground between their chairs and I felt a hand in my hair and thought it was Mrs Barnabas for a long time before she got up to go check on Alyssa and the hand stayed there. While she was gone Miss Shona pulled my hair until I was on my knees with my face near her and asked me if I was ready for my spanking.
I don't know why having my hair pulled makes me totally melt but it does. I wish Mrs Barnabas did it more often.
Anyways, I said I was and she slapped my face and told me I was a whore, but she didn't let go and it felt like time sort of stopped with her holding me up on my knees and me feeling smaller and smaller. I love the way it can go from a nice night sitting out by the fire to that in a couple of seconds.
That was when Mrs Barnabas came back out. Miss Shona made me tell them about having sex with Mr Barnabas, Kevin, and Bane. They kept telling me I am a dirty whore and made me say it myself. Then she made me lie over her knee and spanked me. It felt really different than when Mrs Barnabas does it. It was harder but more deliberate. I could totally tell she has done that a lot before. After I started crying she made me apologize for being such a whore and to Mrs Barnabas for letting her husband and brother fuck me. I know that she wanted me to do those things but it still made me so horny to have to apologize. It really made me feel like such a bad girl.
She spanked me a lot longer than Mrs Barnabas does, too, but it wasn't too much. When she finally stopped she took me by the hair and made me kneel with my face in Mrs Barnabas' lap. It felt so nice when she was patting my head and telling me everything is okay. Well, except I knew I was getting her jeans all snotty and teary.
They started talking about how Mrs Barnabas doesn't ever let me lick her. She says might some day but thinks it is better for me to know I will probably never be a good enough slave to earn that. Miss Shona says that for her the whole point of having a slave is to get her pussy licked and wants Mrs Barnabas to let her teach me. Mrs Barnabas said she will think about it but I think sometimes that just means she wants to see what I write here.
So what Do I think about that?
Well, it repulses me. But I crave it, too. I have been fantasizing about it for so long, but what turns me on about it is that I think it is so completely disgusting. A lot of my fantasies revolve around being forced to do something I don't want to do and that is so gross that I would HAVE to be forced.
G_d., I am so crazy. I wish I understood how I can want to be forced to do something I really do NOT want to do. I think I will be totally disgusted. But yes, it is something I have dreamed about being forced to do since I was about 12.
Scared.
Monday, August 21, 2000
I did it. G_d, it is SOO disgusting! Just as smelly and gross as I always thought it would be. Maybe worse, if that's possible. It was horrible, but I loved it...
if "love" makes any sense at all for something I disliked. She called me names and told me how disgusting I am. Totally degrading. She made me cry. So much more degrading with a woman than a man!
At first I found all her "black pussy" "white bitch" stuff was distracting because I don't think that way, but after a while I got into it.
I would really like to make myself come thinking about it.
___
They both read my journal. Kevin, Mr Barnabas, now Miss Shona. Why not just publish it. It's so embarrassing to have someone I don't know that well read all my secret thoughts. But I like it, too. It makes me feel small. Like I have no right to any privacy at all. Mmm, I like that.
They started discussing whether I should be allowed to come or not. Very embarrassing. Miss Shona thinks it is stupid that I don't like to touch myself. They talked about taking Kendal away permanently, like maybe that would force me to get over it. I guess it might, but I am afraid I would just never be able to orgasm again. The thing is, it's not like I CAN'T touch myself. It just feels icky and medical. Icky enough that I can't really relax enough to come so it is just better if I use my vibrator.
I loved putting sunscreen on them. That was so sexy.
_____
Kendal is gone. I am allowed to come any time I want, but without a vibrator. Which basically means I can't come any more. I don't even think I will be able to sacrifice properly because I won't get close enough. I don't know. I don't think this is a good idea. It probably does not seem like such a huge thing to them because I only get to come once or twice a week anyways, but I feel like not being able to at all is just too much. I don't want to never come again. I don't think I am ready to face a life like that.
Not happy
Tuesday, August 22, 2000
I've been thinking about it and I am going to really try to do what they want. I tried last night but it didn't work very well. It's like the longer I do it the less turned on I get until I might as well be rubbing my forehead. But I am going to keep...
_____
Miss Shona just called me into her bedroom and made me eat her out again. I really love doing it. It just feels so right to me. I wish Mrs Barnabas would let me do it for her. But right in the middle of doing it I thought how totally turned on I was right then compared to using my fingers last night so I started using them on me at the same time. I don't think they really did much, but at least they didn't turn me off. I basically just forgot about them. Maybe that was a good first step.
_____
When they were tanning Mrs Barnabas asked me if I had been practicing using my fingers. She knows I was because she had read this, but I told her "yes". Then she told me to practice some more. It was so embarrassing sitting there with my hand in my bathing suit, but that part of it actually did turn me on so that it actually worked for a little while. But when I got used to the embarrassment then it stopped working. It gives me hope, though.
It really made me feel very cared for and safe when Mrs Barnabas told me to go into town to buy an umbrella because we are going to the beach tomorrow and there might not be any shade for me to hide under.
Wednesday, August 23, 2000
Last night a mouse ran across my foot while I was asleep and I jumped up onto the bed so fast that I hit my head on the dresser and have this massive lump. I was totally creeped, like I wanted to take off my skin. I think it was worse because the room is so dark so I couldn't see anything and couldn't be positive that it had not been on my blanket when I got onto the bed. Of course I was screaming so woke everybody up.
Mrs Barnabas eventually calmed me down and held me in her arms like a little girl and then let me crawl in with her and promised me I won't have to sleep on the floor here any more. I am So grateful that she is reasonable about that sort of thing. I don't think I would ever get another wink of sleep here if I had to stay on the floor again.
Thursday, August 24, 2000
I felt horrible yesterday. I don't know if it was too much sun at the beach or hitting my head. Or both. I felt kind of guilty not cooking dinner, but I really was feeling bad enough that I was glad they let me just lie down.
Miss Shona left this morning. It's so quiet here now. Well, maybe that is just because Alyssa is having her nap. I am going to miss being made to eat her out but I think maybe it is for the best. I kept feeling like I was cheating on Mrs Barnabas. Like it was something I should either do for her or not do at all. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy I finally got to do it, but it felt like Miss Shona and I shared an intimacy that should have been with Mrs Barnabas. And if she doesn't ever want that with me then I am okay with that. I've done it now so I think I would rather give that to her as something she has control over. If she wants me to do it to her, I would be so happy to, but if she never lets me do it to her or if she orders me to do it to someone else, that would make me happy, too. Maybe what bothered me was that Miss Shona would just call me in to her room and Mrs Barnabas was not part of it. It's funny that it should seem so different than when Kevin took me to his place, but being with another woman does feel different. And maybe because she orders me around, too. It f
elt like I had two mistresses and...
I guess I would be okay with that if that is really what Mrs Barnabas wanted, but I just don't feel right feeling that way by accident. I want to be Mrs Barnabas' slave and no one else's unless she really tells me I have to.
Mr Barnabas was supposed to come up tonight but he has to work.
Friday, August 25, 2000
We came home early. Mrs Barnabas said she was horny but I think she just missed him. I don't mind, actually. I have a mountain of laundry to do and the kitchen is gross and I haven't seen my parents in forever.
She had a bit of an argument with Kevin because he showed up right after work and she thought we should have at least one night at home before he came. But he got mad because he had paid her for the month and she had said he could "use" me as often as he wants and I had been away all week and he wouldn't take long so he had a right to "take her for a ride".
I don't like it when people argue about me. But to be fair, I think he was right. I mean, that is the arrangement she made with him and he really did only stay for maybe ten minutes. It makes me feel so used the way he just climbs on top of me and sticks it in, does it for a few minutes, comes, and leaves. It also really hurts, but somehow I think I like it better that it hurts. I like that he is so totally selfish about it.
I feel like such a...?
A whore, I guess. No, worse. Maybe like a filthy old rag that he comes into and leaves.
Horny.
Saturday, August 26, 2000
Last night they had sex for quite a while and I found myself smiling that they could have me blindfolded in the same room as them but seem to completely forget about me. I am not sure why that made me so happy. Maybe because it made me feel kind of insignificant, but I think it was mostly just happy that they are so very comfortable with me that they can forget that I am there. Maybe it is like the opposite of when people argue about me.
Years ago I heard that the closeness of a friendship could be measured by how little you have to filter and how much you can relax and be yourself. At the time I thought that made sense, but I also thought I was relaxed with people like my parents or Deanna. That was SOoo not relaxed. THIS is relaxed. Relaxed enough that they can make love and forget I am there. Relaxed enough that I can put my hand down my panties and not know or really care, except in a good way, if they notice.
I love you guys.
___
God, I am such a slut. Tonight some man fucked me and I don't even know his name or anything about him.
Mr Barnabas chained me to my bed after dinner and then a while later I heard someone arrive and some older guy I didn't know came down. He looked a little concerned at first and asked if I am here by choice. As soon as I told him that I am he laughed, unzipped his pants, and pushed my head into his crotch. So I sucked it. It was like my brain was screaming with outrage that she treats me like that, that she lets complete strangers treat me like that, that I let people treat me like that, but it's like it is screaming "How dare she?" and "Oh yes! This is what I am" at the same time.
His cock is frickin' HUGE! It really hurt when he fucked me. And not a good hurt. But I think he knew that and was enjoying hurting me which was a little scary, but also sort of hot. He seemed really intense. Not bad, just serious. I guess "a little scary, but also sort of hot" could describe his character, too.
He seems way more sure of himself – and of treating me like that – than Bane, and yet Bane comes across as slimier. It's like, while he was fucking me he kept telling me I am a "dirty little slut" and a "filthy cunt", but the way he said it totally turned me on. Like he wasn't insulting me, he was just making sure we both understand what I am. I think I really liked that he just "knew" how to treat me, what I would do for him. It also made me feel like he does this all the time so I am just another slut to him which is hot.
I also like that he is older. Very hot.
I hope he becomes a customer, hahaha.
When he was done he went upstairs and Kevin came down so I guess he is a friend of Kevin's.
I can't believe how easily I am getting used to all this. Part of me feels like it is not really happening to me. I mean, like this is someone else's crazy, sexy life and part of me keeps waiting for them to figure out that I am just a faker. Inside I know that I am still just boring little Marilyn with my boring little life and they just can't see it. Or maybe they can see it and are just being nice. Or maybe they can see it and don't care as long as when they grab the back of my head I open my mouth for them.
I don't know why I feel like a faker. I mean, I really AM chained to a bed in the basement. I really do let her send strange men downstairs to fuck me. That is pretty freaking real.
I should say that I feel very, very lucky. I am sure I am the only loser freak on the planet that would want to be treated like this, but for me it is like a dream come true. Send more men down. Cunt, cunt, cunt.
Sunday, August 27, 2000
Thank you for making me spend so much time at my parents. I really have been neglecting them. I don't really care about losing Deanna and all those guys as friends. I feel bad that I just dumped them, but they all have lives and they don't really need me. But my parents do.
I used to be such a good daughter but these days it just seems so easy to put it off. I think a lot of that is just that I have given up control of my life more and more so that I am not the one keeping my schedule. She tells me when to make dinner and when to clean the house and what days I am going to the cottage. And the thing is, I really love that. I suppose it is kind of pathetic that I am so much happier to have someone else just tell me what to do rather than keep track of it all myself. But I try to picture what it was like before all this, always trying to make sure everything got done and that I visited everyone and it all just seems so impossibly frantic.
But I have not been spending enough time at my parents. So thanks for telling me when to do that. I still talk to my mom at least once a day at work but I really should visit once a week, or at least every other.
Monday, August 28, 2000
I felt like I was going to work naked today. She gave me $20 for gas and told me to bring her the receipt.
The worst was no latte. That was totally traumatic. It felt so weird to be walking past Second Cup and not be able to afford my latte. When I saw Greg I was praying he wouldn’t ask to do lunch. How can I tell him I don’t have any money?
I kind of like it, though. It makes me even more...
whatever I am. Dependent? Smaller? Less human? I don’t know what I am, but this makes it way more. Imprisoned, for one thing. This totally makes me feel so much trapped. I love this feeling. It’s very hot. No apartment, no money. No say in who is allowed to have sex with me. I work but do not get to keep the money. It is so crazy that I have let this happen, but on the other hand...
it's like my head says it does not make any sense at all but my heart says it's like I have come home.
Last night when I gave her my cards she took all my cash, too. Then she let me sit on the living room floor with my hand in my panties and let me look up her skirt. That was my reward. And it seems like it was so worth it. It felt blissfully pathetic to have given her all my money and yet feel so very grateful to her for a peek up her skirt, for letting me do my dirty business in front of her.
_____
Bane just came over. It was better this time. Maybe he wasn't as nervous. He got it up okay and fucked me so I think he had a good time.
I don't think I will ever think doing it with him is totally hot the way it was with that older guy, but it does make me feel good. Like I am doing charity work. The last time made me so sad for him. Not that he couldn't get it up, but that he felt he had to fake it.
He must have very low self-esteem to have to pretend he is someone he isn't. And trust me, I know all about low self-esteem. I hope tonight helped build his confidence.
Hmm...
I don't know what time it is but it must be getting late. I am sti
ll cuffed to the bed. I wonder if she forgot about me. I wouldn't mind if she left me down here on purpose but I don't think I would like it if she just forgot about me. Then again, maybe I would.
Tonight I felt like when she first locked me here it was just because she didn't...
like she was done with me for the night and wanted time alone with Mr Barnabas. I actually like that. I like the feeling of being put away. And that if she does not want me around she can just put me here. It is a pretty small house for 3 adults and a baby.
I guess I will try sleeping.
Tuesday, August 29, 2000
It is freaking me out going out without any money. I put the $20 in my car after work and it totally freaked me out having a completely empty wallet. Nothing but change. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don’t know what I would need money for between the gas station and here but it just really bothers me that I don’t have any.
At lunch today they were all talking about Brad and Jennifer's wedding and I had this weird feeling. A year ago I so totally had my finger on the Hollywood pulse and it all seemed so important. Now, I just don't feel like it matters as much. I still know what's going on from the magazines in the lunch room, but mostly that's just so I have something to talk about. I haven't seen ET in months and don't miss it.
I find I feel kind of smug listening to all their stupid talk about their boring lives and thinking about how last night I got locked to a bed in the basement and two men I barely know came and fucked me like a whore. I know that is not something I should feel proud about, but I really do. I used to feel like such a loser because they are all married, and now I feel So superior to them because I have all these different men fucking me. I should be ashamed. But I am not.
