by Marilyn S
Not that I am proud enough to tell them what I do with my nights, hahaha.
And it's not that I am fooling myself that I am suddenly Miss Popularity. I know Kevin and Mr Barnabas like me well enough, but the other two guys barely know me and don't want to. I know I am nothing but a pussy and a mouth to them and yet I still feel totally smug about my crazy life. I think a lot of it is that it is just so crazy and bizarre. I am not sure how to explain it. All my life I have never felt anything but boring. I had a small little life and knew it and basically accepted that I would never be least bit remarkable, and that was okay.
Hey, I think that is why having my finger on the Hollywood pulse used to be so important. My life was boring so I was living through Brad and Jen. Now, my life is so frickin' crazy that Brad and Jen's lives are boring and normal.
I really like that I will be going to work every day knowing that she will take all the money I make. On the one hand it sort of just makes sense. I mean, all the money Mr Barnabas makes goes into supporting this family so mine should too. But he at least has money in his wallet and a bank card where she is taking everything from me.
A lot of it is that it makes me feel so enslaved and exploited, but thinking about it, I think it is also one more thing I do not have to worry about. Visa bills, car payments, utilities, insurance – I hated...
okay, I didn't hate it, but I really didn't like dealing with all that. It's like not controlling my schedule any more. Just one more thing that used to make me such a stress monkey and now it is out of my control. I feel so lucky to not have to worry about those things any more. Funny, I may be her slave, but those are such huge things that she does for me.
_____
Yay! Older guy came back and he was even a little rougher than last time. He pinched my nipples Soo hard when he came. But G_d, you should have seen the hot look on his face while he was doing it! I hope he becomes a regular.
Anyways, going to work every day knowing that she will take all the money I make Really makes me feel like a slave. I really am, aren’t I? I may not be in chains most of the time, but I feel like it would be really hard to leave. Cooking and cleaning felt like a slave but going to work and having her take every cent I make feels so much more like a slave – a Real "you work and I get rich" slave - that it makes me feel a little dizzy to think about, but it's true and I know I don’t want to stop it.
Wednesday, August 30, 2000
Mr Barnabas helped set me up for on-line banking on Saturday but we could not use it until today. So tonight we went on and I could see my accounts and both Visas and even my car insurance. And then she changed my password and it was like it was all gone. I think actually seeing on the screen made me really realize how much control she has over all my money.
Do you know the kids game where you stand with your legs and back stiff and slowly lean back until you start to fall and have to trust your friends to catch you? That's how it feels.
But I guess the point of that game is that if they do catch you you really know they are your friends, so as long as she really catches me I know...
I guess I know that she really is my owner.
And anyway, if being her slave and having all my money taken away means I never have to figure out on-line banking then I think it is a totally fair deal. Of course she says I have to get a cell phone which I have been trying to avoid. I am not going to give the number to anyone, though.
_____
I wonder where everyone is tonight? I am going to feel like a total loser if I am chained up down here and no one wants me all night.
Hee hee. I have three guys – four if you count Mr Barnabas – that fuck me and I was just thinking that it will be good when Merv gets back next week because one more would be nice. Geez, what a slut. And I was so worried about her making me do this. Now I am like, "boo-hoo, nobody has fucked me tonight so I obviously need way more customers." Of course, last night all three of them came and I greeted Mr Barnabas, but even then I wished there were more of them. It gets lonely down here.
I have been working on using my finger, though. I am not sure I will ever be able to come like that but she wants me to try and if I don't get to use Kendal then I am going to do everything I can to try and make this work. I still don't like it, but I am getting so that it works better. I usually start by using my wrist and then when I am turned on I switch to fingers. That usually works for a while and then it gets boring or my finger gets tired.
Thursday, August 31, 2000
I've been feeling guilty all day. I always try to be totally honest and open here but last night I thought of something I could write but decided not to because it is too embarrassing. No, it's not that it is embarrassing, it's that I am afraid you won't like me if you know the sick things I fantasize about. And also, even if I let you know I don't think I could handle having Kevin and Miss Shona and G_d knows who else read about it.
Someone is here.
_____
It was Bane. It went really well again. I think maybe that first night was just nerves and he is over that. After he was done, though, he wanted to talk. Mostly just about himself. Did you know he is well-known author? I don't mind that he stayed, but if you do then I think you will have to talk to him because after I have just let him use me like that I don't feel right telling him he has to leave.
Anyway, back to my problem:
It isn't like the stuff I didn't write is important. It is just these stupid, really sick fantasies that I used to have that I have started having again. Part of why I liked using my vibrator was that it made me come so I didn't have to think of the really sick things. But now, without the vibrator to turn me on I am having the bad fantasies again. I think I need the really bad stuff to help me not think about my finger.
I don't feel right knowing I am holding something back from you but I don't want to write it down, either. Is it good enough that I have been totally honest about not writing it?
She also gave me another $20 and told me if I want to spend it on anything other than gas like going out for lunch I just have to call her first.
September
Friday, September 01, 2000
I am not having a good day today.
She told me I have to write about my fantasies which I really don't want to do so I have been stressing about that and Todd has been away all week and today was insane crazy busy from the moment I got in and I was totally exhausti-ated and then when I got home Kevin was already parked out front waiting so I didn't even have time to change. Just put down my purse and go downstairs with him. I wanted to cry. And I wasn't into it so it really hurt. I tried to not let it show because he doesn't like that, but I had to keep asking for more lube. He has been coming over before dinner all week but I think today he must have just come straight from work. I hope he doesn't make that a habit. I like it better when they come over after dinner because before dinner I am busy and it really is just this cold thing I have to do so it hurts, where after dinner as soon as she puts me down here I try to get myself turned on. Partly just so I will enjoy being down here, but also because it makes it feel better if someone comes. Of course it didn't help that Mr Barnabas was off today so they wanted dinner earlier so the minute I was finished with Kevin I was cooking dinner and then serving and then washing up. And now I am chained to my bed. My big Friday night. Woohoo.
I'm lonely. I haven't been all week, but tonight I am. Gosh, if I am lucky stupid Bane will come over and tell me some more about his stupid car and how famous he is.
I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. Being down here all alone is just getting to me. Just a little, but I am worried cause it has only been a week and while I haven't been bothered by it so far, tonight I really do feel like a bored prisoner and I am worried about how long I can do this night after night.
I know she said she was doing this with the guys so I would get enough sex, but it isn't really very good sex. Sometimes it is. It is so cold that I usually start off just enduring it, but t
hen at least half of the time the fact that they are totally using me gets me turned on so I do enjoy it. Especially if I have already got myself turned on a bit. But they are always in a hurry so I know that just when I am getting into it they will probably come and leave which just leaves me frustrated and lonely. Which can be hot in a "aren't I pathetic" sort of way, or just frustrated and lonely
It just so unfair that everybody gets to orgasm but me.
Not happy.
_____
Okay, I feel better now. I was masturbating for a while, which is mostly what I do when I am locked up, and I feel a bit better. Generally, I have not been lonely when I have been down here. It usually makes me feel...
safe. Like if I can't leave here then maybe the world can't come and bother me. And "owned". Even when the guys come I know it is only because I am so completely hers that she can give me to them. I am still feeling lonely, though. I mean, all week I've barely seen her except for tea. I miss her.
Okay, well here goes with the fantasy:
My fantasies are almost always about being a prisoner and being forced. I used to have a lot about a very womanly woman making me lick her, but now she always ends up being you. Which is hot, but, well, I guess doing that for you just does not seem nearly as disgusting and cruel as it used to so wouldn't be enough to make me come without my vibrator. So the one I have been using recently is about pirates. When I was a kid they were old-fashioned "walk the plank, matey" types but these are like modern pirates who live on a little island somewhere near the Philippines or Borneo. They capture sailboats, strip the parts off to sell, kill the men, and take the women and girls prisoner.
Sometimes I get sold into prostitution in some skuzzy tropical city where I am kept pretty much like I am here, chained to a bed, every night dozens of smelly poor men paying a few cents to fuck the white woman.
But most of the time the pirates keep us. They don't have women in their tribe, just us prisoners. Sometimes we are kept in cages. Other times we are kept in muddy pens like pigs. The pirates can fuck any of us any time they want.
Ooh, this is hard. G_d, I really want you to know how totally huge is that will I am telling you this.
Okay, they cut off our arms and legs so we can't fight or get away. So when we are in the pens we are actually wallowing in the mud and have to flop around to go to the food trough. The food is like pig slop.
They love to bet and they have races to see which girl can flop her way across the pen first. They think this is very funny and they whip us to make us try harder.
They have wooden stands where they put a different girl each day. Just a couple of boards on a post but without arms and legs you can't get down without hurting yourself so you have to stay there all day. The stands are just the right height that any man can just walk up and stick it in whenever he wants to and I am totally defenseless to stop him.
Most of that is all my old fantasies which I started revisiting last week. Then I started getting into the Russian Roulette idea of all these men fucking me and sooner or later one would get me pregnant, so then I made it so they would sell our babies for adoption. And then either milk us like cows or get us pregnant again.
Then yesterday I was thinking...
Someone's here.
_____
Bane again. Never thought I'd be happy to see that guy. No, really I am kind of getting used to him. He is kind of pretentious but I think it is just to hide his insecurities.
Anyway, okay, so I get turned on thinking about being pregnant girls with no arms and legs flopping around in the mud like fish out of water and being gang-raped at cannibal luaus. Fine. So now you know. And probably hate me. Marilyn is a total freak. Big surprise there. Just please, does the whole world have to know?
I hope you know how big that is for me to tell you all that. That is stuff so personal it...
I think that is the bottom. Like if I have all these levels of stuff that is really personal, that is the most. I can't think of anything worse.
I guess I feel good to think that you know EVERYthing. I don't like you knowing what a freak I am, but it sort of feels good to think...
I guess it makes me feel like I am totally yours. You have everything.
Wow, that really does feel huge.
Saturday, September 02, 2000
I am feeling much better than last night. Saturday night locked in the basement, but we went for a picnic today and now I am fine being down here alone while they watch T.V. I don't feel like I need a lot of attention, but I need some or I just feel "why bother?" It's like last night she came down to say "good night" and it totally changed my mood. I felt like she was tucking me in and which made me very happy. It's funny how I can feel lonely all night and all it takes is for her to come and sit with me for a couple minutes and stroke my hair and everything feels okay. I think it told me that she does care about me. Maybe that she had not forgotten me. I think what was bothering me was that it felt...
lazy, I guess. Like she couldn't be bothered with me so put me down here. What's hot is that she is deliberately putting me down here because she thinks it is what I deserve, not just to get rid of me.
Like she says I am going to spend my Labour Day locked up down here and the guys can stay as long as they want. Is that because she thinks I will enjoy that? Or because she will enjoy knowing I am sex prisoner all day? Or just because she is bored of me and doesn't want me around all day on my day off? I just hope some of the guys come because that could be a really long day to be locked up down here all alone.
Anyway, after that I couldn't get to sleep. There is so little to do here that I seem to spend a lot of time thinking about pirates. The good news is that I am really getting turned on using my fingers now. When it feels clinical I just have to remember that she is making me do it so the grosser it feels the more cruel she is being. That doesn't always work very well, but sometimes it does. The bad news is that there is no way I could get close to coming so this is worse than sacrificing because with sacrificing I would get to the edge and that would be the time to stop. But like this I never get to the edge so there is no end and I just keep going. It really aches today.
_____
She wants to hear more about the pirates. Sigh. I know she is only doing this because she knows how hard it is for me.
Okay, so a couple of days ago, probably after that guy with the big cock had been over, I started picturing the pirates with huge cocks. I figure they pick the chief by whichever guy has the biggest cock and he always gets to fuck the girls first so more of the kids will be his. Maybe he gets the new girls for himself for the first month. So after a few hundred years most of the guys have huge thick clubs hanging down to their knees.
I wish I had a bigger dildo than this one I bought for deep-throat practice. I mean, it's is okay but I think I'd like one that is too big.
Oh yeah, there is a tin can with lard in it nailed to the post that the platform is on. So when one of them wants to fuck me he just smears some on his cock and sticks it in.
They have little wooden wagons that they put us on when they want to move us. Stacked up like logs. What kind of a pervert gets turned on picturing herself as one of a number of vaginas stacked in a cart being wheeled around?
Maybe they should be white guys so the babies will sell for more. Maybe descendants of a boat load of prisoners from Botany Bay. In high school I read a history of the Australian prison colonies because they had women prisoners who were basically sex slaves.
Guess I have always been turned on by being a captive. And look at me now. So I guess I should not complain when it isn't always perfect. The thing is, what I like about it is exactly the same stuff I don't like, just depending on how I am feeling. Or rather, sometimes I just don't like it and other times I LOVE that I don't like it.
And sometimes I just plain love it.
Like I said, Marilyn is a freak. Shocker.
Oh, and speaking about being a captive, I love having my old wool blanket do
wn here. The rough wool better is way more prisony than that synthetic one. It was too comfy. And orange. This one is actually a little too small but I kind of like that too, in an uncomfortable way. I mean, it keeps me warm enough to sleep but I have to curl up and I like that it is so scritchy and old. Very prisony.
_____
Mr Bigcock just left. I had been fantasizing before he got here so I was totally ready and it felt really good. Very hot. I feel a little bruised in there but it felt awesome. I like the way he talks to me. Kind but really degrading. He did it from behind tonight which was really deep, but I tried using my finger while he did it and that really worked. I wonder if men mind if you do that. I hope he didn't take it as a criticism. Maybe I should ask.
It is so bizarre that this guy comes downstairs and fucks me and I don't even know his name. I like it, but it is pretty bizarre. I wonder if he has a bunch of older friends. I have fantasized about being molested by a group of old men.
I do wish Kevin would either come after dinner or at least do something for me. Yeah, I know, I am supposed to just be a hole and not getting anything, but just something. I don't think it takes that much, but he is just like, unzip his pants and he's hard. Maybe most guys are like that but Mr Bigcock just plays with me a bit before he sticks it in. Pulls my hair or talks to me or mauls my boobs. Mostly I think it is just that he comes after dinner when I have had a chance to relax and get myself going.
Sunday, September 03, 2000
This morning when she came down to unlock me she put her hand on my chin to open my mouth and then kissed me and gave me a huge mouth full of his sperm. It was SO gross! And SOO very hot! I haven't really been part of their sex much since we got back from the cottage. Which is totally fine. I certainly do not expect to be. Sometimes I can hear them doing it while I am still chained in the basement. Other times they do it when I am in the bedroom but I am in my corner with my blindfold on and they just ignore me. And like I said, I like that. It is like old times with me listening in on them, feeling... small, I guess. Unimportant. Like they are the adults and I am just the whatever-I-am in the corner or locked away in the basement.
