A Winter Love Song

by Rita Bradshaw

  ‘Thomas, my son,’ said Nelly, her voice a soft murmur that throbbed with love.

  Chapter Eleven

  Bonnie was too taken aback to speak as she stared at Nelly’s son, although she told herself in the next moment she shouldn’t be surprised. Nelly was a beautiful woman; why shouldn’t she have married and created a new life for herself away from the fair? There had been nothing left for her there except memories of the man who hadn’t wanted her love.

  Pulling herself together, she whispered, ‘He’s beautiful, Nelly. Absolutely beautiful.’

  ‘He’s my world, my universe.’

  A hundred and one questions were clamouring in Bonnie’s mind but she didn’t voice any of them, not even when they left the bedroom a few moments later.

  She followed Nelly downstairs without speaking, and Nelly led the way to the back of house and into the kitchen. This room, like the rest of the house Bonnie had seen thus far, was nothing like the dark and somewhat dingy interiors she was used to. It fairly glowed with colour and light.

  Instead of the traditional black-leaded range and heavy cumbersome furniture, the kitchen was light and modern, with bright tiles, pale sunshine-yellow walls, a gleaming gas stove and – something Hilda would have loved – a refrigerator. White-painted chairs were tucked under a kitchen table on which reposed an enormous vase of sweet-smelling flowers that filled the room with their fragrance. Two ancient dogs were curled up on a thick rug that had a pair of small armchairs positioned either side of it, and they stood up creakily and pushed their noses into Nelly’s hand as she bent to pet them, before resuming their places. ‘The last two from my time at the fair,’ said Nelly softly. ‘All the others have gone now.’

  She straightened. ‘I had the house decorated exactly as I wanted before we moved in and I still love it.’ And then, as though Bonnie had queried the ‘we’, Nelly clarified, ‘I mean Thomas and me.’ She swallowed. ‘There’s no Mr Harper, Bonnie. There never was, not in the sense of a husband, I mean. Harper is my family name. I was born Eleanor Harper, so it seemed less complicated to revert to that when I left the fair, rather than Nelly Bell. I knew I would be forced to tell a string of lies in the days and months ahead to protect my baby, so any I didn’t need to tell was all to the good. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, I’m a widow. Thomas has been told that his father died in a motor-car accident shortly after he was born.’

  Nelly had been expecting a baby when she left the fair? Is that was she was saying?

  ‘I bought this house with funds left to me by my grandmother,’ Nelly continued. ‘She was a very modern woman for her time, but I think even she would have had to take a deep breath at my circumstances.’ She hesitated. ‘Are you very shocked?’

  Immensely. ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘Oh, Bonnie, you’re very sweet but a poor liar. Please, try not to think too badly of me. Sit down and I’ll put the kettle on and then we can talk properly. I – I want to tell you all of it, it will be a relief. I’ve never been able to share it with anyone before.’

  Bonnie was glad to sit. Nelly’s revelation had knocked her sideways. An illegitimate child was a huge disgrace whatever way you looked at it, and yet Nelly seemed so happy and settled, and she clearly adored her son.

  Nelly plumped down beside her at the kitchen table a moment or two later. ‘Can I start at the beginning?’ she asked quietly. ‘I’m not going to offer any excuses but I want you, of all people, to understand. I – I’m not a bad woman, Bonnie.’

  ‘Oh, Nelly, I know that.’ Impulsively Bonnie took her hand. ‘And you don’t have to explain anything.’

  ‘I do.’ Nelly extricated her hand and stood up, beginning to pace back and forth. ‘You know, of course, that I loved your father. From the first moment I laid eyes on him I loved him and that has never changed. When I discovered that he had always intended to leave the fair with you and that he had never contemplated my being part of your lives, well . . .’

  ‘I know, I know.’ It was painful, even now, to hear the hurt and sadness in Nelly’s voice.

  ‘I think I went a bit mad. That is the only excuse I can give for what I did, Bonnie. I – I allowed a man into my bed, someone who had been after me for years. You know him.’

  ‘Franco.’ Bonnie tried to keep her voice expressionless. ‘I know, Nelly. I came to your wagon one night and you were sleeping and he was beside you.’

  ‘Oh, Bonnie, I’m so sorry.’ Nelly stopped her pacing and sat down, and now it was she who took Bonnie’s hand. ‘You saw us? That must have been devastating for you. What can I say? It was just the once, Bonnie, I swear it. The next day I made it clear it was a huge mistake and that it would never be repeated. How much of a mistake I didn’t realize then.’ And then Nelly shook her head. ‘No, I can’t in all honesty put it like that, not when it gave me my Thomas. Franco is his father, Bonnie. I have only ever slept with a man once in my life, can you believe that? What are the odds of falling for a baby the first time? But it happened to me, and I suppose there are others it’s happened to.’

  Bonnie felt sick. She remembered Franco’s hot breath on her face, his hands holding her down, the way he had hammered into her body . . .

  Nelly was wrapped up in her story, oblivious to Bonnie’s turmoil. ‘When I knew I was expecting a child I was distraught. I didn’t want Franco to know anything about it. He – he disgusts me. How I could have done what I did . . .’ She gulped hard.

  ‘You were hurting,’ Bonnie said quietly, trying to put her own memories to one side. ‘He took advantage of that.’

  Nelly nodded. ‘Thank you. Anyway, I knew I had to get away so I left the fair without saying goodbye to anyone. I wanted to tell you, I did truly, but I was ashamed and desperate and not thinking straight –’

  ‘It’s all right, really.’ Nelly’s voice had broken on the last words, and Bonnie put her other hand over Nelly’s, pressing it. ‘I know that after the night I saw Franco in your wagon I avoided you. It’s not your fault.’

  ‘Bonnie, I was a full-grown woman. You were a child,’ said Nelly wretchedly. ‘I just made one mistake after another, I know that. Anyway, I got as far away from the fair as I could and ended up in Manchester. I called myself Mrs Harper, saw a doctor and sorted my affairs. By the time Thomas was born I had the house ready and brought him home. And so my life really began.’ Nelly smiled mistily. ‘I never dreamed how much I would love him. I was terrified before he was born, thinking I’d see Franco in the child, that I wouldn’t be able to take to it, that I wouldn’t cope on my own, oh, all sorts of things. But he’s mine, Bonnie. All mine. That’s the way I see it. And it was my fault as much as Franco’s. I should never have succumbed to his advances. He’s not a bad man, I suppose, just a wayward one where women are concerned. Not that I would ever want Thomas to know the truth,’ she added quickly. ‘As far as he is concerned, his father is dead.’

  Bonnie stared at her old friend as the realization dawned that she would never be able to tell her what Franco had done. Her throat constricted. If she had been able to confide in anyone, it would have been Nelly. She had thought many times about divulging her past and the real reason why she had left the north to Selina, but somehow, each time she had come close to telling her, she hadn’t been able to follow through. Perhaps it was because after what Selina had suffered for so long, Franco’s brutal treatment of her seemed almost trivial? Not to her, but it might appear that way to Selina. But no, that wasn’t the real reason. If she talked about it, if she voiced it, it would mean that night would come with her into this new life, that was the way she felt. Stupid, perhaps, but she couldn’t help it.

  One thing was for sure – the fact that Franco was Thomas’s father made it impossible for Nelly to know about the rape. It wouldn’t be fair. She didn’t want to be responsible for Nelly knowing that the man who was the father of her son was capable of raping a child, because that was what she had been when he had forced himself on her.

  Rightly or wro
ngly, she must not share her secret. She had to keep it buried, locked away. And maybe that was for the best anyway? She had already decided that when she had considered confiding in Selina, so nothing had changed. She was Bonnie May now, a different person.

  ‘Are we still friends, now you know it all?’

  Bonnie came out of her dark thoughts to find Nelly staring at her uncertainly, and immediately cleared her expression. ‘Of course we are.’ She pressed Nelly’s hand again. ‘How could we be anything else? I’m proud to have you as my friend, Nelly, and I think it’s wonderful how you’ve made a home for your son without anyone to help you.’

  ‘Thank you. It’s more than I deserve.’ Nelly’s bottom lip wobbled. ‘And we’ll keep in contact now we’ve found each other? I would love that.’

  ‘Absolutely, Nelly. I promise.’

  The shiny little kettle was beginning to sing on the hob and Nelly stood up, giving Bonnie a hug before walking to the stove. With her back to the room she busied herself mashing the tea as she said, ‘Now that’s enough about me, tell me about you. I’m amazed you left the fair. I never imagined your grandmother would let you leave, for one thing. I know your father always thought she had her eye on you as a meal ticket and he was determined that wouldn’t happen. He told me many times he wanted you to sing for pleasure, not because you had to. Has – has there ever been any news about John?’

  ‘Not that I know of, no, Nelly. I’m sorry.’

  Nelly didn’t turn round but Bonnie saw her shoulders slump before she straightened. ‘Of course not, I didn’t expect there would be. He would never have left you willingly and so the alternative . . . But I suppose everyone lives in hope in those circumstances when they care about someone.’

  Hope had died in Bonnie a long, long time ago, but now she said softly, ‘He thought a tremendous lot of you, Nelly, but he just couldn’t forget my mother.’

  ‘I know, I know. Really. I do, and I’m all right about it.’

  Injecting a lighter note into her voice, Bonnie said, ‘I actually left the fair in much the same way you did, Nelly. I disappeared in the middle of the night without a word to anyone. Although in my case it was with the contents of my grandma’s cashbox.’

  ‘You didn’t!’ Nelly swung round, giggling. ‘Oh, good for you, Bonnie. She was a perfectly dreadful woman. I loathed her.’

  ‘I made my way south to London and worked as a barmaid in a working men’s club for a while after I couldn’t get a job as a singer, and then the first Christmas after I’d left the fair I got my break. I had to say I was older than I was, of course, and I changed my name, but it’s all worked out all right.’

  ‘I’ll say. Look at you touring and everything.’ Nelly placed a steaming cup of tea and the sugar bowl and milk jug in front of her. ‘So, we both have told our quota of lies,’ she said wryly, ‘although yours are teeny compared to mine.’

  Bonnie smiled, taking a sip of tea so that she didn’t have to comment. How ironic that the reason for them both leaving the fair boiled down to one man.

  ‘I’ll always love your father, you know,’ said Nelly pensively after a while. ‘I understood about how he loved your mother – I loved him in that way after all – but I could have made him happy nonetheless if he’d given me the chance. And love begets love if it’s allowed to.’

  ‘I wanted you as my mother.’ Bonnie smiled. ‘I used to pray every night for my da to fall in love with you so we could become a family. It was all I ever wanted as a child.’

  Nelly smiled back and then sighed. ‘Ah, well, what will be, will be. Now you’re all grown up, perhaps you could be Thomas’s auntie instead? He’d love that. His school friends all have grandparents and aunties and uncles, and he does feel hard done by sometimes. A famous auntie would more than make up for my lack in providing him with a ready-made family.’

  ‘That’d be lovely.’ Bonnie grinned. ‘Although I don’t know about the famous. I’m not there yet.’

  ‘You will be.’ Nelly spoke with conviction. ‘Your voice is wonderful, Bonnie. It’s got an extra something that’s hard to describe but it’s there and it’s real.’

  ‘Nelly, do you mind if I ask you about your family, the Harpers? You said Thomas would like grandparents and I just wondered what happened to your parents and how you came to be living with the fair folk. You never spoke like the rest of us and my da always used to say you were a cut above.’

  ‘Did he?’ Nelly grimaced. ‘Perhaps that was another reason he couldn’t see us together. Well, it was like this . . .’

  As Nelly told of her childhood and youth, Bonnie listened without interrupting, and when Nelly came to a close there was silence in the room before Bonnie drew in a long breath. ‘Oh, Nelly, Nelly. I’m so sorry that my father was such a fool as not to see what he had within his grasp.’ Rejected by her parents and family all her life, and then only to escape them and fall deeply in love with someone who rejected her again. Poor Nelly. No wonder she’d loved her canine family so much.

  And then Bonnie had to amend the last thoughts when Nelly said softly, ‘I don’t regret loving your father. Truly, I really don’t. And I’m so happy now. I’ve been given the greatest gift I could ever have in Thomas, and I have my own home, enough money to live comfortably, my dogs, friends . . . I’m blessed, and I thank God each night for it.’ She smiled. ‘And now I have you too, don’t I?’

  The question was gentle but none the less urgent for it.

  ‘Always. I promise.’

  ‘Then I am fully content. Will you be able to come back tomorrow and meet Thomas properly?’

  ‘In the morning. I have to be at the theatre soon after midday to get ready for the matinee.’

  ‘Morning is perfect. It’s the summer holidays so there’s no school for Thomas which he thinks is absolutely marvellous. We’ll have an early lunch before you have to leave. At least you’ll only be a stone’s throw from the theatre. Oh, Bonnie. To think I only caught sight of your name on the poster by chance.’

  The two women stared at each other, realizing how easily they might have missed this precious reunion. It didn’t bear thinking about.

  Chapter Twelve

  The tour stayed another ten days in Manchester and Bonnie joined Nelly and Thomas every morning and had lunch with them before she had to leave for the theatre. Thomas turned out to be a charming little boy with exquisite manners that hid a predisposition to shyness. But Bonnie liked that. It made the child nothing like his father. In fact she could see little of Franco in the boy, except for his appearance. His curly hair, the shape of his nose, the colour of his eyes were all Franco’s, but softened by his mother’s genes. The golden tints to his hair and his pale skin and heart-shaped face came from Nelly, and the combination of both parents had produced a breathtakingly handsome little boy. He was clearly delighted to have an auntie of his very own, and by the time the tour left Manchester Bonnie was completely under his spell.

  He cried on her last morning, holding tight to her hand with his small ones. In fact, the three of them cried. It was seeing his mother’s tears that dried up Thomas’s. ‘Don’t cry, Mummy,’ he said, letting go of Bonnie’s hand and putting his arms round his mother’s legs. ‘We’ll see Auntie Bonnie again soon, after all. We’ll go to the park this afternoon and feed the ducks. You like that, don’t you.’

  Bonnie had noticed his devotion to Nelly before; in some ways the child was like a little old man. Even at his young age he clearly felt he was the man of the house and it was his job to look after his mother and protect her. It was beautiful to see, and again Bonnie reflected that in nature the boy was nothing like the selfish, swaggering, egotistical man who had sired him. Nelly had said Thomas was all hers, and she was right. She held out her arms to him. Can I have a hug?’ she said softly. ‘And don’t forget, I’m going to send you postcards from every place I go to from now on. You and Mummy must come to London one day and I’ll show you the sights.’

  ‘The Tower of London?’ Thomas sai
d eagerly. ‘Where they used to torture and behead people? That’s where I want to see first.’

  Both women smiled. For such a sweet little soul Thomas could be as ghoulish and macabre as the next boy.

  The two women embraced on the doorstep and Nelly whispered, ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me most, Bonnie. No, don’t say anything because we both know it’s true, but I’ll never let you down again. Anything, any time, you only have to ask.’

  ‘Thank you, and the same goes for me. Anything, any time.’

  Bonnie walked along the street wishing she could stay with Nelly and Thomas for ever, but of course that was impossible. And she didn’t really want that anyway; it was just so hard to say goodbye after finding Nelly again.

  She turned at the corner to see Nelly and Thomas standing on the doorstep. They were both waving. A huge lump in her throat, Bonnie waved back. If things had gone differently Nelly could have been her stepmother and Thomas her half-brother. But then he wouldn’t be Thomas, not with a different father. She nipped down on her bottom lip, fighting the tears. Oh, she knew what she meant. It would have been everything she’d ever wanted, to have Nelly as a mother and Thomas as a brother, for them all to be a family with her da. She gave one last wave to them but they were blurry through her tears, and then she turned the corner.

  She felt very small and very alone as she walked on, wiping her eyes with her handkerchief. And then she told herself not to be so silly. Everything was just the same as before she had met Nelly again, except that now she had both Nelly and Thomas in her life which was wonderful. And it was no good crying for the moon. Her da was gone, her childhood was over and she had set her course for a different life than that of being a wife and mother. This yearning she’d always had to be part of a proper family, a loving, warm, real family, was one dream that had to be packaged away for good. But she had Nelly and Thomas now, and that was an unexpected bonus she could never have imagined. She was lucky.