The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction
Page 15
Researchers in China were studying the short-nosed fruit bat, Cynopterus sphinx, native to Southeast Asia. As expected, males built tent nests out of fan palms and began to court friendly females. Once a female was inside the nest, the couple groomed each other, a courtship behavior common in many animals. The male initiated intercourse—no surprises there—but then, to the researchers’ astonishment, the lady bat bent down and began to fellate her mate!
Was it just a few bats treading on the wild side? After witnessing this act in the wild, the researchers observed captive animals Incredibly, 70 percent of the female bats performed fellatio—and with great rewards. Frisky females received sex for twice as long, doubling intercourse time from two minutes to more than four! And the males never withdrew while the lady was providing extra stimulation.
Is this batty behavior really so rare and strange? Unfortunately the literature doesn’t say. You won’t find the answer in any Google Scholar search. Traditional science is reluctant to study sex, but Bruce Bagemihl, an independent scholar and author, is not a traditional scientist.
Bagemihl scoured the scientific literature for data left out of the main findings and interviewed researchers to uncover data that was absent from the literature altogether. His book, based on ten years of avid research, rocked the reproductive biology world. Biological Exuberance: Animal Sexuality and Natural Diversity revealed that nonbreeding behavior is common in hundreds of animals. From sheep to vampire bats, 470 species have been observed engaged in masturbation, fellatio, homosexuality, or other nonbreeding sexual behavior. In contrast to the short-nosed fruit bats, however, most instances were same-sex encounters or experimentation between playful juveniles, and not a regular part of adult heterosexual coupling.
Nonreproductive sex raises questions—as well as eyebrows—especially if it is commonplace. According to Darwinian evolution theory, animals are instruments for gene propagation, so why waste energy on pointless sexual pursuits? Try as one might, it is difficult to ascribe any direct evolutionary benefit to “batty behavior.” But if there is no reproductive benefit, why is kinky sex so popular?
Primate experience might provide some insight. In the majority of human matings, there is no ostensible tie with reproduction. We have no cues to show we are ovulating, so we do it throughout a woman’s reproductive cycle, we do it long after we cease being fertile, and we do it all for pleasure. Bonobos aren’t much different. Of their sexual liaisons, 75 percent happen when the females are not fertile, lending credence to the idea that sex is partly driven by pleasure. In fact, some bold researchers argue that pleasure itself provides a huge incentive to engage in sex frequently (well, duh) and the more often an animal has sex, the greater the chance that a bun is rising in the oven.
Well and good for primates, but why do female fruit bats spend their precious time performing fellatio? Maybe bats are doing it for fun, and maybe not. There might be more practical reasons for their oral obsession. The authors speculate that fellatio might prolong mating by maintaining the erection and increasing lubrication, which in turn may facilitate sperm transport. Longer mating also keeps the male occupied and away from rival ladies. And hygiene may play a role—saliva has antimicrobial properties and may protect against diseases. Some bat species lick themselves post-coitus, presumably for this reason.
There are also less obvious benefits beyond enhancing reproduction. Consider those playful bonobo chimps, who will purportedly have intimate relations regardless of age, gender, location, or time. Research suggests that their “loose” behavior reduces social tensions, enhances bonding, and resolves conflicts in their large, close community. Fondling a friend helps a bonobo gain access to resources (“I like your banana and I’m willing to give you fellatio for it”) or turn an enemy into an ally. This indirectly improves reproductive success.
Whether frisky fruit bats are fellating for social leverage, for fun, or for fecundity remains unclear. But it does provide a thought-provoking example of nonbreeding behavior in animals, and might encourage open-mindedness about the issue. Scientists will have to keep spying—in the middle of the night and in strange places—to uncover the diversity and meaning of it all. Until then, let the festivities continue.
FURTHER READING:
Bruce Bagemihl, Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 1999), 768.
Frans De Waal, Bonobo: The Forgotten Ape (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1997), 200.
Jared Diamond, Why Is Sex Fun?: The Evolution of Human Sexuality (New York: Basic Books, 1997), 176.
M. Tan, G. Jones, G. Zhu, J. Ye, T. Hong, et al., “Fellatio by Fruit Bats Prolongs Copulation Time,” PLoS ONE 4 (2009), 10, http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0007595
CHAPTER 1
DOUBLE DARWINS! TWICE AS NICE
“Now, tell me these stories don’t make you feel superior!”
—typical Fan mail
Double trouble, double delight, double dipping in the gene pool. Six astounding and rare Double Darwins and At-Risk Survivors, from a chaste cleric to a criminal caper, from upping the ante on fun to raising the stakes on a feud . . . Are you willing to risk it all and double down?
Padre Baloneiro—Balloon Priest • Double Parking • Crushing Debt • Low-Flying Drunks • Putting the Pain in Propane • Agua Ski Calamity
Adelir Antonio, fifty-one, was not so lucky.
Double Darwin Award Winner: Padre Baloneiro—Balloon Priest
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring helium, faith, and a priest!
Priest Visits Boss
20 APRIL 2008, ATLANTIC OCEAN A Catholic priest ’s audacious attempt to set a world record for clustered balloon flight succeeded, he set a record beyond his wildest dreams . . . The priest literally ascended to heaven on a host of helium party balloons, paying homage to Lawn Chair Larry’s aerial adventure. In 1982, Larry Walters attached forty-five huge weather balloons to his lawn chair, packed a picnic lunch, and cut the tether—but instead of drifting above Los Angeles’s backyard “babescape” as planned, he was rocketed into LAX air traffic lanes by the tremendous lift of the balloons. Astoundingly, Larry survived the flight, inspiring the movies Deckchair Danny, Up! and Father Adelir Antonio, fifty-one.
Hot air balloons are actually maneuverable, by altering altitude. The wind direction tends to change as one ascends, generally toward the right in the Northern Hemisphere. A skillful pilot uses altitude adjustments to shift the downwind track. By comparison, a mass of party balloons is completely at the mercy of the wind.
This priest’s audacious attempt to set a world record (currently, nineteen hours ) for clustered balloon flight was dreamed up to publicize his plan to build spiritual rest stops for truckers. More rest stops are sorely needed, as sure as sore bums need rest. But as truckers know, sitting put for nineteen hours is no trivial matter, even in the comfort of a decked-out lawn chair.
The priest did take numerous precautions: wearing a survival suit; packing a buoyant chair, a satellite phone, and GPS. However, the late A.A. made a fatal mistake. He did not learn how to use one important safety feature: the GPS.
Once he was well aloft the wind changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he finally phoned for help—but rescuers were unable to determine his location, since he could not use his GPS. He struggled with the unit as the cell phone batteries dwindled and died.
Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide.
Over the next few weeks, bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches—indications that God had guided him straight to heaven! Ultimately the priest’s body surfaced, confirming that he had indeed “paid a visit to the boss.”
The kicker? It’s a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy and voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool. The entire group ea
rns a mass Darwin Award, so . . . Father Antonio wins twice!
Reference: globo.com, Sydney Morning Herald,
Associated Press, and numerous others
Reader Comments
“Don’t get carried away.”
“Chairway to Heaven.”
“Shows the danger of relying on GPS.”
“See what happens when you swear off women?”
“There but for the grace of . . .”
“One-way ticket to paradise.”
“To heaven—or bust!”
“There but for the grace of Tecumseh . . .”
“God’s will be done!”
SCIENCE SOAPBOX: REST STOPS ARE NECESSARY AND GOOD
Father Adelir Antonio gave his life for a worthy cause: To halt the closure of roadside rest stops, which are urgently needed in areas with long stretches of freeway that lack commercial services. Rest stops provide a much-needed break for weary drivers, and are especially needed by truckers who transport food and merchandise across the country. They cost little to maintain and increase public safety. The closure of rest stops in Brazil was blasted by the media as unnecessary, harmful, and bad policy. Father Adelir gave his life for a laudable goal. He is a brave and shining example of the good done by Catholic clergy.
BALLOON HOAX
On October 15, 2009, the distraught parents of a six-year-old reported that their child was possibly adrift aboard a huge, homemade helium balloon that they had launched from their lawn. The silver, flying saucer-shaped dirigible was tracked by National Guard helicopters and local police as it drifted across Colorado for sixty miles. Planes were rerouted around the object’s flight path and Denver International Airport was briefly shut down. The balloon finally landed after a two-hour flight—but the child was not on board.
Fearing that the youth had fallen from the balloon, authorities began a comprehensive manhunt of the entire area beneath its flight path. Worldwide media followed the spectacle, which culminated hours later with the anticlimactic discovery that the child had been hiding at home the entire time!
Suspicions soon arose that the incident was a hoax and publicity stunt, particularly following a family interview by Wolf Blitzer on Larry King Live. The youngster, when asked the reason for hiding, turned to Dad and blurted out, “You guys said that, um, we did this for the show.” The family had twice been featured in a reality TV show, and may have been eager for a third run.
Two months later, Dad pleaded guilty to “attempting to influence a public servant” and was sentenced to ninety days in jail and fined $36,000; Mom was sentenced to twenty weekend days in jail.
Reference: Condensed from Wikipedia.org
Double Darwin Award Winner: Double Parking
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring macho gunmen
10 DECEMBER 2009, PHILIPPINES | This small island nation has already produced several of the most illustrious Darwin Award winners. In 1999, National Bureau of Investigation agents snuffed their candles when they sneaked a smoke in a room full of seized explosives. In 2000, an airplane hijacker robbed passengers then bailed out with an untested homemade parachute. Talk about drop-dead funny! Now the Philippines have produced that rare oddity, the Double Darwin Award.
We begin with Francisco C. and Ronaldo C., two businessmen who own restaurants adjacent to each other on Apacible Boulevard in Batangas. One has partially blocked the door to the other’s establishment, and this does not sit well. Tempers erupt. Heated words are exchanged; a fistfight breaks out! But bystanders pacify the fighters, and the situation is defused.
Or is it? Each man retreats to his respective car, pulls out a gun, and shoots the other—killing both combatants. Francisco, forty-one, suffered two bullet wounds to his chest; Ronaldo, thirty-nine, was shot once beneath his arm. Francisco and Ronaldo: Two enemies brought together in death—much to their own chagrin.
Reference: abs-cbnnews.com
Double Darwin Award Winner: Crushing Debt
Confirmed by Darwin
Featuring criminals, explosions, and a double Darwin!
26 SEPTEMBER 2009, BELGIUM | The city of Dinant is the backdrop for this rare Double Darwin Award. Two bank robbers attempting to make a sizeable withdrawal from an ATM died when they overestimated the quantity of dynamite needed for the explosion. The blast demolished the ATM, and the entire building the bank was housed in. Nobody else was in the building at the time of the attack.
Robber #1 was rushed to the hospital with severe skull trauma; he died shortly after arrival. Investigators initially believed that his accomplice had managed a getaway, but the second bungler’s body was excavated from the debris twelve hours later.
Two bank robbers overestimated the quantity of dynamite needed to crack the ATM.
Would-be Robbers 1 and 2 weren’t exactly impoverished—their getaway car was a BMW.
Reference: Le Soir—lesoir.be, De Standaard—standaard.be,
deredactie.be, nu.nl, demorgen.be
Reader Comments
“Dynamite: not for everything.”
“Less is certainly more.”
“They certainly thought BIG.”
“A debit card would have been safer.”
“They really blew it . . .”
WEIRD SCIENCE: DARWINTUNES
An Evolutionary Idea in Music.
Using an “evolutionary algorithm” and the ears of the general public, DarwinTunes has been evolving a four-bar loop that began as a primordial auditory soup. After two-hundred-plus generations, the musical track is sounding pretty good. Project leaders recently upped the maximum genome size, and they seek your help.
The DarwinTunes Experiment Needs You!
www.darwintunes.org
Evolve the Music.
Double Darwin Award Winner: Low-Flying Drunks
Unconfirmed
Featuring airplanes, alcohol, and a double Darwin!
1996, CANADA | Sleeping residents of Chilliwack were awakened early one morning by the sound of a small aircraft flying lower than usual. The engine sounded like a mosquito, zooming too close too quick, then veering away. What the bleep was going on?
During a bout of heavy drinking that lasted into the wee hours of the morning, two future Darwin Award winners had realized that although neither one had a pilot’s license nor flight training, they nevertheless knew all they needed to know to pilot an aircraft. Furthermore, one of the gentlemen worked at the small local airport and had access to the tarmac.
They drew the obvious conclusion and decided to take a plane for a drunken joyride over the city. They invited two females along for the ride; fortunately the level-headed ladies declined.
From idea to execution, the plan evolved quickly. The airport employee unlocked locked gates; once on the tarmac, the two then managed to break into a small plane, taxi to the runway, and get it off the ground and into the sky. They buzzed around in the dark, skimming above the roofs of the houses, and no doubt exchanging a few gleeful high-fives. This random aerial activity went on for an extended period of time.
Eventually their bladders began to complain, but they no longer remembered how to find the airport . Disoriented, they attempted to land on the grassy median between east- and westbound lanes of the Trans-Canada Highway and almost made it under the electrical wires that cross the median.
Where these wires were concerned, fate was not kind.
The tail of the aircraft clipped the wires and the plane took a nose-dive. Instead of making a soft landing on the grassy verge, it greeted the ground with enthusiasm, killing both occupants. Only then were the sleepy Chilliwack residents able to return to their interrupted dreams.
Reference: Chilliwack Progress newspaper, edition unknown.
At-Risk Survivors: Putting the Pain in Propane
Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness
Featuring alcohol, fire, gas, and explosions!
“You gotta see this.”
DECEMBER 2008, FLORIDA | An engine company sent a request f
or the Jacksonville Fire and Rescue Department to extinguish a routine trash fire. The District Chief for the fire department said, “The lieutenant said, ‘You gotta see this.’” Everyone wanted to share a piece of the action. An intoxicated group of men had decided that throwing paint cans into their fifty-five-gallon drum fire was fun, but not fun enough. They escalated the excitement by tossing in not one, but three twenty-pound propane cylinders.
The fun went south when one cylinder violently vented toward an unfortunate reveler. We cannot reveal the patient’s name due to HIPAA laws, but he was transported to a burn unit for attention to his “party favors.” The gene pool is still at risk from these rocket scientists, as the close call was not fatal.
Everyone wanted to share a piece of the action.
Reference: A medic acting as District Chief in the incident
According to the District Chief, partially empty propane cylinders are actually more dangerous than full ones because they cannot absorb as much heat prior to venting or exploding.