Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Guy Thank you.

  Dafydd Mrs Huntley-Pike. Another singer we put well to the back. In her case preferably in the car park.

  Guy Like me, you mean? (He laughs.)

  Dafydd God, no. You haven’t heard her. If she sang in the dairy she’d make cheese. I tell you. Married, of course, to old Councillor Huntley-Potty-Pike. One of the whiz-kids on our Council. Which explains why this town’s in the state it is.

  Ian (arriving with the drinks) There you go.

  Dafydd Ah, thank you, Ian. Bless you.

  Ian Gin and tonic.

  Guy Thank you very much.

  Ian Hope you don’t want ice because he hasn’t got any.

  Dafydd He’s got ice, the miserable old sod. He just hides it. You can’t charge for it, don’t put it out. That’s his maxim. His beer mats are screwed to the bar. Cheers.

  Ian Cheers.

  Guy Here’s to the – production.

  Dafydd Yes, why not? Here’s to it. The Beggar’s Opera. (waving his glass in the direction of the women’s table) To The Beggar’s Opera.

  Fay (echoing) Yes. The Beggar’s Opera.

  Rebecca Hear, hear. The Beggar’s Opera.

  Guy When do we – when does it – start? Open?

  A phone rings faintly from behind the bar.

  Dafydd Oh, not till May. We’ve got three and a half months yet. Still, with dear old Ted there, I think we’re going to need it. Mind you, we’ve got used to him now, haven’t we, Ian? We had him one time in, what was it, Sound of Music, was it? –

  Bridget has appeared the other side of the bar and is now calling and waving in an attempt to attract Dafydd’s attention.

  Bridget (calling) Dafydd. Dafydd.

  Ian (seeing her, to Dafydd) Dafydd, I think she wants you.

  Dafydd (turning) Hallo. Yes, my love?

  Bridget (miming) Phone. Phone.

  Dafydd Ah. Telephone. Do excuse me, won’t you? (to Guy, handing him his pint) Hang on to that a second, would you mind?

  Guy (taking it) Certainly.

  Dafydd (moving away) I trust you.

  Bridget It’s Hannah for you.

  Dafydd What the hell’s she want …

  Dafydd goes to a corner of the bar, takes the receiver, sticks a finger in his ear and starts a conversation which we cannot hear. With the departure of Dafydd, the small talk between Ian and Guy seems thin on the ground.

  Ian Cheers.

  Guy Cheers.

  Pause. Guy, rather nervously, takes a swig of beer.

  Ian Get on well with Dafydd, do you?

  Guy Well, yes, I think –

  Ian I hope so, because you’re drinking his beer.

  Guy Oh, God, yes. Sorry. Do you know that’s something that I’m always … well, not always – but occasionally –

  Fay approaches them and interrupts.

  Fay Darling, have you got a light? They’re all dreary non-smokers over there. (smiling at Guy, her reason for joining them) Hallo, I’m Fay. I’m this thing’s wife. How do you do.

  Guy Hallo.

  Fay You don’t know what a pleasure it is to see a new man in the Society. It’s mostly filled with us boring women. Dreadful.

  Guy (gallantly) Dreadful for some, perhaps.

  Fay (throwing her head back with a tinkling laugh) Yes. Depends on your point of view.

  Ian (not quite to himself) Jesus … (He moves away to put his glass on the bar.)

  Fay (after him) Where are you off to?

  Ian Going to bring the car round. Why?

  Fay Heavens and not yet closing time. What’s come over him? (She smiles at Guy again.) Hallo.

  Guy (a fraction uneasily) Hallo. Well, I suppose I must be making a move, too.

  Fay You got a car? Only otherwise we could drop you.

  Guy No, thanks. I’m mobile …

  Jarvis (who is heading towards them with some empty glasses) I say, I say.

  Fay (under her breath) Oh, no. Quick, hide, take cover.

  Jarvis (reaching them) I say. Yes. You. You’re a Scotchman, aren’t you?

  Guy No, no.

  Jarvis They’re the only people who do that, you know. The Scotties. That’s the way you tell ’em.

  Fay Tell what?

  Jarvis Look, look, look. Look, you see. Glass in each hand. Whisky, beer. Whisky, beer. That’s the way they do it. Scotty, right?

  Guy No.

  Jarvis Always tell ’em. Always tell ’em. (He moves away.)

  Guy I didn’t understand that at all.

  Fay (laughing) Don’t worry. He’s completely mad.

  Guy Ah.

  Fay Quite harmless, though.

  Guy Glad to hear it.

  Fay No, it’s her you’ve got to watch. (She nods towards Rebecca.) Hallo. (She smiles again at Guy.)

  Ian returns from the bar en route to the door. He drags Fay out with him.

  (as she’s whisked away) I think this means we’re going. Goodnight, then.

  Guy Goodnight.

  Ian ’Night.

  Fay Do excuse us. Some nights he can hardly contain himself.

  Fay and Ian go out.

  Jarvis (from the bar calling to Guy) Hey! I say, you, Jimmy … Jimmy.

  Guy (mystified) Me?

  Jarvis You want another wee dram in there …?

  Guy No thank you, this is gin …

  Jarvis (to Bridget) And a wee one for our friend from over the border.

  Guy Oh, Lord …

  Over in the other corner of the bar, Mr Ames begins playing the piano. Shortly, Ted starts singing and is then joined by most of the others.

  Ted (singing)

  Fill ev’ry Glass, for Wine inspires us,

  And fires us

  With Courage, Love and Joy.

  All

  Fill ev’ry Glass, for Wine inspires us,

  And fires us

  With Courage, Love and Joy.

  Ted

  Women and Wine should Life employ.

  Is there ought else on earth desirous?

  Fill ev’ry Glass, for Wine inspires us,

  And fires us

  With Courage, Love and Joy.

  All

  Women and Wine should Life employ (etc.)

  Guy stands bemusedly as this starts. His bemusement slightly increases as Jarvis passes him and pours a large scotch into his gin glass. Jarvis moves to the piano and joins the singers. Dafydd, having finished on the phone, rejoins Guy.

  Dafydd (over the singing) Good old Ted. Get him near a piano, he’s away. Marvellous music, isn’t it? All traditional tunes, you know. All the tunes Gay used were traditional.

  Guy Really?

  Dafydd Still as fresh as they ever were …

  Bridget, from the other side of the bar, appears, ringing a large bell. The singing stops.

  Bridget My dad says he’s not licensed for music and dancing and would you please stop that bloody row …

  A chorus of booing and catcalls.

  Only he didn’t say please, like I did.

  Crispin Why’s he got a piano for, then?

  Bridget That’s reserved for private functions …

  Rebecca This is a private function …

  Crispin Yes. Bugger off …

  Bridget Hey, you. Watch your language, you. You’re not in the gutter now, you know …

  Jarvis (to Mr Ames) Play a Highland Fling for the Scotty over there …

  Bridget Sorry. Those are the rules of the house. Thank you very much. And last orders, please …

  Crispin You want to get rid of that piano if people can’t use it …

  Bridget (ignoring this) Last orders, please.

  Linda It’s a filthy place, anyhow.

  Bridget You know where to go if you don’t like it, don’t you? Sitting there drinking half of shandy for three hours. We can do without you for a kick off …

  Linda What’s it got to do with you what I drink? What on earth business is it of yours, may I ask …

  Bridget (mimicking her) What on ea
rth business is it of yours, may I ask?

  Dafydd All right, girls, that’s enough now … Call a truce.

  Linda Snotty little barmaid …

  Ted Now, now, Linda …

  Bridget (looking dangerous) Hey … hey … You watch yourself.

  Enid Now come on, Linda, we’re off home now …

  Dafydd That’s enough …

  Ted Now, now, now … Linda …

  Crispin plays a provocative chord on the piano.

  Bridget Hey, you. Did you play that? You touch that piano again, you’re out that door, all right …

  Crispin Yes, miss … Wasn’t me, miss …

  Linda plonks out several notes on the piano.

  Enid Linda! Oh, she is a naughty girl …

  Ted Now, now, now, Linda. Now, now …

  Bridget (coming round the bar like a tornado) All right, you. I’ve had it up to here with you …

  Dafydd Bridget. Easy, Bridget girl. (to Guy) God, she doesn’t want to get her roused. That girl set up Carousel single handed …

  Bridget approaches Linda.

  Bridget Come on. Out I said.

  Linda Really? You try and make me leave.

  Bridget (shoving her) Out. Out …

  Rebecca Peace, children …

  Enid (with her) Stop them somebody. Someone stop them …

  Ted (with them) Now, now, Linda. Now, now …

  Dafydd (with them) I think we’ve all had our bit of fun and high spirits, people …

  Crispin, during this last, steps between the two women and confronts Bridget.

  Crispin Hey … Who you pushing around, then?

  Bridget Anyone who gets in my way. Want to make something of it?

  Crispin Haven’t you ever heard that the customer’s always right? Haven’t you ever heard that, then?

  Bridget Not in this pub they aren’t. Now sod off …

  Crispin Language, language …

  He pats her under the chin. Bridget really goes wild, launching herself at Crispin with an initial knee to the groin which he narrowly avoids. She follows this with a huge swinging punch, which again he narrowly avoids and which – had it connected – would certainly have laid him out cold. Under this barrage of kicks and punches, Crispin beats a somewhat undignified retreat towards the door. Linda watches appalled. The others respond with a mixture of amusement and alarm.

  Bridget (as this happens) Go on … get out, out, out, out, OUT!

  Crispin (half amused at this onslaught) All right, all right, all right. I’m going, I’m going.

  They both disappear into the street momentarily. Then Bridget returns triumphantly. She gets a cheer. Linda stalks with dignity to the door. Bridget with mock politeness holds open the door for her.

  Enid (apprehensively) Linda …

  Linda (coolly) Good night.

  Bridget Good nate.

  Linda goes out.

  And it is now time, please, so can I have your glasses? Thank you.

  Mutters and groans of complaint.

  Jarvis (calling to Guy) Hey! Scotty. Remind you of Glasgow, eh? Home from home. (He laughs.)

  Dafydd (gloomily) Whenever you’re in here you just have to keep saying over to yourself, ‘I know it’s hell but the beer is good.’ That my glass, is it?

  Guy (handing him the totally depleted glass.) Yes. Sorry.

  Dafydd Oh, well. Bang goes another reason for living. (He shrugs.) I hope Bridget hasn’t offended that lad. We need him for the show.

  Guy What’s he playing?

  Dafydd Macheath. Well, maybe he wasn’t the most ideal choice for the leading role. Temperamentally, anyway. But we had no real choice. Not with Tommy Binns’ cartilage problem.

  Rebecca and Jarvis pass them on their way out. Rebecca moving with extreme, sedate caution.

  Goodnight, both.

  Rebecca Goodnight. (with a glassily charming smile to Guy) See you tomorrow.

  Guy Yes, indeed …

  Jarvis See you the noo. Eh? See you the noo … (He laughs.)

  Guy (laughing) Yes, yes …

  Rebecca (as they go out) Are you sure he’s Scottish …?

  Rebecca and Jarvis leave.

  Dafydd See you where, did he say?

  Guy The noo.

  Dafydd It’s just round the back. (He roars with laughter and slaps Guy on the shoulder.) Sorry, Guy, you’ll have to bear with my coarse Welsh rugby player’s humour … Beg your pardon.

  Guy Are you a rugger player?

  Dafydd God, no. Can’t stand the game. Had to play it for seven years. Total misery. But my Dad was a fanatic. One of those. All his language was in terms of rugby, you know. That man’s up-and-under imagery constituted my entire verbal childhood upbringing. Making sure life fed you plenty of good clean ball. Getting women in loose mauls and all that bollocks. God, I was glad to leave home …

  Guy Your poor mother …

  Dafydd No, she was all right, she left with me …

  Ted and Enid pass them.

  Goodnight, Ted. Enid …

  Enid We’re going off in search of Linda, Dafydd …

  Ted She’s only a child you see, Dafydd …

  Enid (almost overlapping him) She’s always been mature, you know …

  Ted (almost overlapping her, in turn) … physically, you know …

  Enid … physically … but emotionally …

  Ted … her emotions are still very far from …

  Enid … for her age …

  Ted … mature, you see.

  Enid … immature, yes.

  Ted And we’re not happy with this lad at all, Dafydd. I mean we’re not …

  Enid … snobbish at all …

  Ted … class conscious. But he’s not right …

  Enid … he’s very wrong …

  Ted … he’s a very wild lad …

  Enid … oh, very wild …

  Ted … and we’ve got a feeling we know where he’ll finish up, don’t we, Enid?

  Enid Yes, I’m afraid we do. Only too …

  Ted … too well …

  Enid … too well …

  Mercifully they both run out of steam. Slight pause.

  Dafydd Well. If you find you do have a problem, give me a ring at home.

  Ted Thank you, Dafydd …

  Enid Thank you very much, Dafydd …

  Dafydd I’ll be back there in ten minutes. So. ’Night.

  Ted Goodnight.

  Enid Goodnight. I hope you sleep well. (to Guy) All through the night. (She laughs.)

  Guy Thank you. Goodnight. (He laughs.)

  Ted and Enid go out.

  Dafydd An effortlessly witty woman is Enid, you’ll discover. Listen, we haven’t settled this business of casting, have we? Think we ought to settle that now, don’t you?

  Guy Yes. That would be nice. Give me something to be getting on with. If I know what I’m playing …

  Bridget (making a threatening move to come round the bar) Are you two leaving or do I have to throw you out?

  Dafydd (retreating in haste) No, no, Bridget. We’re going. We’re going. Have you got your car, by any chance …?

  Guy Yes. Just round the corner …

  Dafydd Well, look, my place is only a couple of streets away. I could give you a script and a cup of cocoa. That suit you?

  Guy Fine. Lead on.

  Guy and Dafydd leave the pub. Bridget continues to clear up for a moment. Suddenly, Crispin is in the doorway. He stands menacingly. Bridget sees him and tenses, ready for a scrap. Silence. Crispin advances on her slowly. They stand face to face. With a sudden swift movement he reaches out and grabs her by the back of her head. Their mouths meet in a savage kiss. The scene changes to Dafydd’s sitting room. Pleasant and comfortable but small. Certainly too small for Dafydd. A room shared with children. A large, male, home-made rag doll sits on one of the chairs.

  Dafydd (in a whisper) Yes … As I thought. She’ll be in bed. She’s not much of a night owl, my wife. Of course the children get her up pretty early … />
  Guy How many do you have?

  Dafydd Two. Twin girls.

  Guy (indicating doll) Is that theirs?

  Dafydd Oh yes – let me take your coat – he’s what they call their Other Daddy. Whenever I’m away, they bring him out and pretend it’s me. I think it’s been left there as a hint by someone this evening. I’ll put the kettle on. Won’t be a second. If you’re cold at all, put the fire on. Personally, I think it’s pretty warm, don’t you? Wait there …

  He goes out. Guy surveys the room. After a moment, he sits and waits patiently. It’s obviously quite chilly. Quite suddenly and unexpectedly, Hannah enters. She is in her night things, her face shiny with cream and she is obviously not expecting company.

  Hannah (speaking as she enters) Dafydd, if you want anything to – (seeing Guy) Oh.

  Guy (rising) Hallo, I’m –

  Hannah Oh, God. Excuse me.

  Hannah flees the room. Guy stands a little bemused. The following conversation is heard off.

  Hannah Dafydd …

  Dafydd (cheerfully) Hallo, darling. Got a little bit held up. Sorry.

  Hannah You told me you weren’t bringing anyone home.

  Dafydd Yes, I know, I know.

  Hannah I mean I phoned especially, Dafydd. I phoned and said would you be bringing any of them home tonight …

  Dafydd (under her) It was a spur of the moment decision …

  Hannah … And you said no, which is why I got ready for bed.

  Dafydd You can go to bed. You can go to bed.

  Hannah Not if there’s someone here I can’t.

  Dafydd It’s all right. This chap doesn’t matter.

  Hannah Who is he?

  Dafydd He’s no one. He’s no one important. He’s a small-part player, that’s all.

  Hannah I’ll get dressed.

  Dafydd (calling after her as she departs) Don’t bother. He’s not worth getting dressed for. (Pause.) God damn it.

  A door slams off. A second later, Dafydd reappears. He is holding a script.

  Here we are. Sorry to keep you. (suddenly aware that Guy must have heard some of that) Things are just – heating up out there. By the way, I never asked you. Tea, coffee or cocoa?