Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Guy How do you mean?

  Fay You seem to have succeeded in making fools of most people, haven’t you?

  Guy I don’t think I have … I didn’t intend to.

  Fay Calculating little bastard, aren’t you? Well, you certainly fooled me. Congratulations. That doesn’t often happen. You didn’t really convince Ian, I’m afraid. He said you were a shit from the start …

  Guy (hurt) Thanks.

  A silence. The cast begins to assemble onstage. First Rebecca. Then Jarvis and then Hannah. All ignore Guy. Jarvis has found some boots from somewhere. He busies himself putting these on. Rebecca hums tunelessly. Bridget comes in to wait. She is followed by Mr Ames.

  Bridget He’s coming in a second. He’s talking to Ian.

  Rebecca looks at Fay. The silence continues. Ted and Enid enter. They alone seem blissfully unaware of the atmosphere.

  Enid (as she comes on, loudly) Oh yes, they’re all … Oh. (aware of the silence, in an undertone to Ted) They’re all out here … (Pause. Whispering) I think we’re waiting for Dafydd.

  Ted (whispering) Yes.

  Enid (indicating Ted’s neckware) Is your bit all right? Do you want me to tie it again?

  Ted No, it’s perfect now. Perfect. (Pause.) These shoes are a bit tight.

  Enid Oh, dear.

  Ted I was supposed to have some boots but somebody’s pinched them …

  Enid Oh, dear.

  Linda comes on.

  Oh, that’s better, Linda. That’s much better, (to Ted) She’s taken the ribbon off it. It’s better.

  Ted Much better …

  Dafydd enters, somewhat subdued.

  Dafydd Sorry, everyone, but … (He trails away, his mind obviously elsewhere.) Right. Sorry. Here we go then. This is a technical run mostly for stage management and lighting and so on. But, none the less, do please feel free to stop if there’s anything at all … that … er … is worrying you. At all. So. Yes. Right. Off we go. Good luck.

  Everyone begins to disperse in various directions. Guy is one of the last to leave, having first put on his wig.

  Bridget (yelling as she goes) Act One beginners stand by please …

  Dafydd and Guy are alone on stage.

  Dafydd (approaching Guy, in an undertone) Ian’s just told me, you bastard. About you and Hannah. I just want you to know, I think you are a total and utter bastard. And my one prayer is that one of these days you’ll get what’s coming to you. OK? That’s all I have to say to you.

  Dafydd moves off towards the lighting box. Guy stands.

  (turning as he goes) Having said that, all the very best of luck for the show and I hope it goes really well for you. Good luck. (as he goes) Come on, Raymond. Let’s have the opening state, please … Come on. Lights and music.

  Guy is left onstage. The lights close down to him alone. Prison cell lighting comes up as music starts under. Guy is joined as he speaks by Hannah as Polly and Linda as Lucy. We are gradually into the first performance of the production, near the end of Act Three (Scene XV).

  Guy (as Macheath, speaking) My dear Lucy – My dear Polly – Whatsoever hath past between us is now at an end. – If you are fond of marrying again, the best Advice I can give you, is to ship yourselves off to the West Indies, where you’ll have a fair chance of getting a Husband a-piece; or by good Luck, two or three, as you like best.

  Hannah (as Polly, speaking) How can I support this Sight!

  Linda (as Lucy, speaking) There is nothing moves one so much as a great Man in Distress.

  (singing)

  Would I might be hang’d!

  Hannah (singing)

  And I would so too!

  Linda To be hang’d with you.

  Hannah My Dear, with you.

  Guy (singing)

  O Leave me to Thought! I fear! I doubt!

  I tremble! I droop – See, my Courage is out.

  Hannah No token of Love?

  Guy See, my Courage is out.

  Linda No token of Love?

  Hannah Adieu.

  Linda Farewell.

  Guy But hark! I hear the Toll of the Bell … (etc.)

  During the song the action has moved to Tyburn. A scaffold has been erected. Essentially this is the platform that was centre stage at the start of the play with the addition of a gallows arm. A hooded Hangman stands waiting there as the rest of the opera is played out.

  Jarvis (entering as Gaoler) Four Women more, Captain, with a Child a-piece! See here they come.

  He gestures. Rebecca, Bridget, Fay and Enid enter with prop babies, making baby-crying noises as they come.

  Guy (as Macheath) What – four Wives more! – This is too much. – Here – tell the Sherriff’s Officers I am ready.

  A long drumroll. The women hurl aside their babies and with a hiss of anticipation join the rest of the company around the scaffold platform. Guy, flanked by two guards (Crispin and a stage manager) approaches. He steps up. The Hangman prepares to place the noose around his neck. The sound of the crowd and the drumroll increase in volume. Guy takes a last look around; at the Hangman, at the noose and, finally, at the company that has now assembled. A faint look of apprehension passes over his face as he notes their eager faces. Suddenly Ted, as the Player, appears, apart from the crowd.

  Ted (as Player, with a cry) Wait!

  Total silence. All on stage, with the exception of Guy, freeze totally. Guy looks slowly around him.

  Ted and Mr Ames, after a moment, also unfreeze.

  (to Mr Ames) Honest Friend, I hope you don’t intend that Macheath shall be really executed.

  Mr Ames (as Beggar, at the piano) Most certainly, Sir – To make the Piece perfect, I was for doing strict poetical Justice. – Macheath is to be hang’d; and for the other Personages of the Drama, the Audience must have suppos’d they were all either hang’d or transported.

  Ted Why then, Friend, this is down-right deep Tragedy. The Catastrophe is manifestly wrong, for an Opera must end happily. All this we must do to comply with the Taste of the Town.

  Mr Ames Your Objection, Sir, is very just; and is easily remov’d. For you must allow, that in this kind of Drama, ’tis no matter how absurdly things are brought about – So

  With a snap of his fingers and the gesture of a magician …

  Ian rushes on in his Matt of the Mint costume, brandishing an official document.

  Ian A reprieve! A reprieve for Macheath!

  All (in an awed murmur) A reprieve?

  Ian gives the document to the Hangman who reads it.

  Hangman A reprieve!

  All A Reprieve for Macheath!

  A great deal of cheering. The gallows arm is removed. All push forward to congratulate the prisoner. The Hangman, removing his hood, reveals he is Dafydd. He embraces Guy. A serving wench brings ale for them both.

  Guy (as Macheath, holding up his hands for silence) So, it seems, I am not left to my Choice, but must have a Wife at last – Look ye, my Dears, we will have no Controversie now. Let us give this Day to Mirth, and I am sure she who thinks herself my Wife will testifie her Joy by a Dance.

  All Come, a Dance – a Dance.

  Guy (sings)

  Thus I stand like a Turk, with his Doxies around;

  From all Sides their Glances his Passion confound;

  For, black, brown and fair, his Inconstancy burns,

  And the different Beauties subdue him by turns:

  Each calls forth her Charms, to provoke his Desires:

  Though willing to all; with but one he retires.

  But think of this Maxim, and Put off your Sorrow,

  The Wretch of To-day, may be happy To-morrow.

  Chorus But think of this maxim (etc.)

  This time, as with The Beggar’s Opera itself, the performance ends happily and triumphantly (if a trifle cynically). The actors take their curtain calls. As the curtain falls for the last time they embrace each other, most especially their hero of the night, Guy himself. Relieved and exalted, they return to their dressing roo
ms.

  A SMALL FAMILY BUSINESS

  Characters

  Jack McCracken, a business man

  Poppy, his wife

  Ken, Ayres, his father-in-law

  Tina, his elder daughter

  Roy Ruston, Tina’s husband

  Samantha, his younger daughter

  Cliff, his brother

  Anita, Cliff’s wife

  Desmond, his brother-in-law

  Harriet, Desmond’s wife

  Yvonne Doggett, Harriet’s sister

  Benedict Hough, a private investigator

  Note: It is the author’s intention that the Rivetti Brothers be played by the same actor.

  A Small Family Business takes place in the sitting room, kitchen, hall, landing, bathroom and bedroom in the houses of various members of the family over one autumn week.

  A Small Family Business was first performed at the National Theatre on 5 June 1987. The cast was as follows:

  Jack McCracken Michael Gambon

  Poppy Polly Adams

  Ken Ares Ron Pember

  Tina Diane Bull

  Roy Ruston Adrian Rawlins

  Samantha Suzan Sylvester

  Cliff Russell Dixon

  Anita Elizabeth Bell

  Desmond John Arthur

  Harriet Marcia Warren

  Yvonne Doggett Barbara Hicks

  Benedict Hough Simon Cadell

  Lotario Rivetti Michael Simkins

  Uberto Rivetti Mischa Melinski

  Orlando Rivetti Liam Sheminicks

  Vincenzo Rivetti Neil MacSkimish

  Giorgio Rivetti Khelim Cassimin

  Act One

  We appear to be looking at a cross-section of a modern or recently modernized house, perhaps on an executive-type estate. Ours is a rear view. Four rooms, two up and two down. Downstairs, to one side, is the sitting room. Modern furnishings, fitments with hi-fi, etc., a settee, armchairs, low tables. Neutral carpeting. It is a fairly large area, being two rooms knocked into one and then reseparated by a room divider, forming what we shall refer to as the ‘near sitting room’ and the ‘far sitting room’. When people move to the far sitting room they are partially, sometimes totally, obscured from view. The doors from both original rooms have been retained and lead to:

  The hallway with stairs up to the first floor. At the far end is the front door leading to an indeterminate front path and street beyond.

  A further door off the hall leads to the back kitchen, which is in full view. This is modern and well equipped and, like the sitting room, sufficiently lacking in detail to be practically identical to a hundred other kitchens.

  There is a fourth door leading off the hall to a front dining room beyond the kitchen and thus out of view. A hatchway from the kitchen links these two rooms and, when open, affords us a glimpse through. At the far end of the kitchen, there is a back door leading to an indeterminate yard beyond.

  The stairs from the hall lead to the landing above, similarly shaped and with, again, four doors leading off it. The two furthest from us lead to rooms (presumably bedrooms) which we cannot see. Visible to us and situated above the sitting room (but only half its depth) is a bedroom with a double divan bed, modern sliding cupboards, etc. In style, the room is once again modern and nondescript. Rather as if the owners had in all cases settled for a standard range of good, modern, mass-produced units to satisfy their needs throughout the house. Which, as we discover, is indeed the case.

  Finally, across the landing from the bedroom, the bathroom. Matching modern fitments, bath with shower curtain, lavatory, basin, etc., all in a matching, unobtrusive pastel shade.

  During the course of the play, the various areas will serve as rooms in the different houses of the family. At present though they are all as we naturally presume them to be, i.e. forming a single dwelling, Jack’s and Poppy’s house.

  It is an evening in winter. All the downstairs areas and the landing above are lit. Poppy, a woman of 40, is standing by the front door, her face pressed against one of the small side windows, looking out into the night.

  In the sitting room, ten guests are chattering away in rather subdued tones. They are: Ken Ayres, Poppy’s father, a man in his seventies, at one time the family’s driving force but now rather eccentric and unpredictable. Also present is his son, Desmond Ayres, an overweight, ineffectual, fussy man of 42; Harriet, 44, Desmond’s wife, a thin, nervous woman with an unfortunate dress sense; Harriet’s older sister Yvonne, 50, who by contrast is simply, even severely dressed. Calm, impassive and efficient, she stands near Ken taking care of his needs silently and efficiently. Also Jack’s younger brother Cliff, 40, who likes to be thought of as an easy-going wheeler-dealer, though his need to be loved gives him a certain weakness; Cliffs wife Anita, 36, an attractive woman, expensively overdressed, outgoing and shrewd; accompanying her, and taking rather too much interest, Uberto, an elegant Italian business man of 35.

  Finally, there are the younger family members. Jack’s and Poppy’s elder daughter, Tina Ruston, is 23 and takes after her mother. She is strong, capable and has a maturity that comes with the accepted responsibility of looking after two small children and coping with her impractical husband, Roy Ruston, who is 25 and a hopeless dreamer. Pleasant enough to meet briefly, he is infuriating to live with. He’s already beginning to regret the family he started six years ago with such premature abandon.

  Tina’s younger sister Samantha, 16, completes the group. Standing a little apart from the others, she seems aware that she alone, still at school and unattached, represents a new and different generation. She is at a stage when life is often a painful, intensely private experience.

  All have drinks and are waiting for someone to arrive. We have a second to take in the scene. Then Poppy, at the hall window, sees someone approaching. She hurries to the sitting room.

  Poppy Ssssh! Everyone! He’s here.

  The chatter subdues. One or two ‘sssh’s’.

  Jack’s here. His car’s just turned into the road. Can we turn the lights out, please?

  People oblige, switching off the table lamps nearest them. Poppy extinguishes the overhead with the door switch.

  Ken What’s happening now?

  Yvonne Jack’s here, Mr Ayres. He’s just arrived.

  Ken Jack who?

  Poppy Everyone! Quiet as you can, please. I’ll try and get him to come straight in here.

  Anita (from the darkness, with a silly giggle) It’s very dark.

  Others Sssh!

  Poppy (moving to the kitchen) Quiet as you can. He’ll come in from the garage.

  She goes into the kitchen and pretends to busy herself at the sink.

  Anita (from the darkness) Oooh!

  All Sssh!

  Anita Who did that? Who was it did that?

  Cliff Be quiet.

  Anita No, that really hurt, that did. Who did that??

  All Sssh!

  Tina Quiet! He’s here.

  A silence. The back door opens. Jack, a forceful, energetic man of 45, enters.

  Jack I’m back.

  Poppy (kissing him) How did it go, then?

  Jack All right. You know. Fond farewells. Usual thing. We shall miss you for ever thank God he’s gone at last …

  Poppy (affectionately) They never said that.

  Jack They were thinking it. Cheering me through the gates, they were. Goodbye, you old bugger, goodbye, (sensing a slight nervousness in her) I’m not that late, am I?

  Poppy Only a little.

  Jack (looking at her properly for the first time) You’re all dressed up, aren’t you?

  Poppy No, I’ve had this for ages.

  Jack (a horrid thought) We’re not meant to be going out?

  Poppy No, no.

  Jack Thank God for that. I don’t want to see anyone else. Not today.

  He goes into the hall.

  Anita (softly) Oh, dear, what a shame.

  Tina Sssh!

  Poppy Make us both a drink, will you?

&nb
sp; Poppy hangs his coat up in the hall.

  Jack (calling back to her as he does so) I drove back past the factory this evening …

  Poppy What’s that?

  Jack On my way home just now I drove back past my new office. Do you know, I suddenly felt very excited.

  He has returned to the kitchen doorway.

  Poppy I’m glad.

  Jack We’re going to the stars with this one, darling, we really are. This is going to be the one.

  Poppy It will be if you have anything to do with it …

  Jack (holding her) No, no. Not me. Us. You and me.

  Poppy (not really believing this) Yes.

  They kiss.

  Jack Come on, what are you dressed up for, then?

  Poppy No reason. I just felt like it.

  Jack Trying to take my mind off my work, were you? Eh?

  Poppy (coyly aware of her audience next door) Don’t be silly.

  Jack Sammy upstairs?

  Poppy No, she’s out tonight.

  Jack Just us, is it?

  Poppy Yes. There’s nobody here.

  Jack I see.

  Poppy Go on. Make us a drink.

  Jack (taking her hand and starting to lead her) First of all, follow me.

  Poppy Where are we going?

  Jack (heading for the stairs) Not far, I promise. Not far.

  Poppy (alarmed) Jack, no, we can’t. Not now.

  Jack I fancy it right now, I don’t mind saying …

  Anita (sotto) Oh, my God …

  Poppy No, we can’t. Really. Jack.

  Poppy pulls away from Jack and remains at the foot of the stairs. Jack continues to retreat upstairs.

  Jack Come on.

  Poppy No.

  Jack (more firmly) Come on.

  Poppy No. I’m going in here. (Indicates the sitting room.) I want a drink.