Cliff Good speech, just now. I almost believed it myself.
Jack I meant it.
Harriet (tearfully) He’s in there all weekend making these huge meals. Three or four courses at a time … (Shudders.) You know it’s reached a point where the smell of food can actually cause me to vomit, do you know that?
Cliff Do you do that sort of thing, then?
Jack What sort of thing?
Cliff You know, all that Hairy Erik and dragging her up to bed by the hair. That what she likes, then?
Jack Well. Only in fun, you know.
Cliff Is that right?
Jack Nothing violent.
Cliff No, really?
Jack Mind your own bloody business …
Jack goes into the bathroom and washes his face and hands. Cliff follows him and stands watching in the doorway. Roy, downstairs, has similarly come through to this end of the sitting room and is watching Samantha. Desmond is left alone in the other half of the room, eating peanuts.
Roy (to Samantha) Good evening, sister-in-law. Good book, then?
Samantha Brilliant.
Roy Think I’d like it?
Samantha You wouldn’t even understand the page numbers, brother-in-law.
Harriet It’s all because I dieted. That’s the reason this has happened. I should never have dieted. I should have just kept on eating with him. But I can’t, you see. I can no longer look a full plate in the eye. That is the truth …
Cliff My wife wouldn’t go for that.
Jack Wouldn’t go for what?
Cliff All that Hairy Erik stuff. Anita doesn’t go for that.
Jack Look, give it a rest, Cliff, there’s a pal.
Cliff Sorry. No offence.
Jack Just clear out of the bathroom, OK?
Cliff Yes, yes, sure.
Cliff goes out closing the door. He wanders back to Jack’s room and sits on the bed.
Harriet Well, he’s not going to get rid of me that easily, that’s all I can say. He’s had years from me, he can pay for them. I’ll have him for every penny. He’s got thousands salted away. I know he has. Thousands.
Poppy Really? Desmond has? How’s he managed that?
Harriet He never spends anything, that’s why. He’s a mean man. I’ve never met such a mean man. The only thing he spends money on is food. That’s his god, that is. Food is his god. (Sits, sniffing.) He used to care about me. Now he won’t even look up from his plate.
Poppy Look, I promise you, Harriet, you can come round whenever you like. Any evening. I’ll be only too happy to listen, dear. But not just at the moment, my love. I’m sorry.
Harriet I’m sorry.
Poppy (through hatch) What’s that? Sorry? No, leave them to do that themselves. Some people may not want it …
Harriet (half to herself) I’m sorry. (She seems very near collapse as she stands clasping the empty ice tray.)
Poppy (irritably) Look, sit down for heaven’s sake. And give that to me.
Poppy takes the ice tray from Harriet’s limp grasp and bangs it down by the sink. Harriet sits. Poppy picks up the last two plates of food and goes out to the hall. Roy stands behind Samantha trying to read over her shoulder.
(as she goes) I don’t know what we’re going to do with you, Harriet, I really don’t …
Samantha Look, do you want something, or what?
Roy No, I was only being sociable.
Samantha Why?
Roy Well, it’s a party, isn’t it?
Samantha Go away.
Roy You’ve got to be sociable.
Samantha All right. (Closes the book, wearily.) We’ll have a party, then. Got any stuff, have you?
Roy Any what?
Samantha Stuff? Columbian talc? (spelling it out) Cocaine?
Roy Oh, that. No, I don’t use that.
Samantha Terrific. Great party, then, isn’t it?
Samantha lays aside her book in the living room, rises and goes towards the hall.
Roy Where are you going?
Samantha goes into the kitchen and, ignoring Harriet, helps herself to a fresh tin of Coke from the fridge. Roy takes up Samantha’s discarded book and studies it. Meanwhile, Jack comes out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. He starts to put on his clean shirt.
Cliff You know something. In my opinion, you’ve got a really good relationship. You and Poppy.
Jack (modestly) Yes. I think we have.
Cliff I reckon she’s really crazy about you …
Jack You needn’t sound so surprised.
Cliff No, but – after, you know – all this marriage. It’s quite rare, in my experience.
Roy (now engrossed in Samantha’s book) Bloody hellfire!
Jack Who’s that Italian poncing around with your Anita, then? Who is he?
Cliff (evasively) Oh, he’s just business. You know.
Jack You and Anita all right?
Cliff Oh, yes. Yes. We’re all right. But. Well. Once you’ve been round the circuit a few times – well, you get to know the hairpins. If you know what I mean.
Jack Getting bored with her, are you?
Cliff No. No. Not at all. She may be getting bored with me, but that’s another story, eh? (Laughs.) God, she’s expensive, though. You’ve no idea, Jack. I have to sleep in our spare room these days. There’s no room for me in our bedroom, it’s full of her clothes. Ball gowns to the bloody ceiling, I’m telling you. You’re dead lucky with Poppy, mate.
Jack No, Poppy doesn’t wear that many ball gowns …
Poppy (sticking her head through the hatch) Harriet, would you mind … (seeing Samantha is there) Oh, Sammy love, pass me another tablespoon, will you? From the drawer.
Harriet I’d have done that.
Samantha finds a spoon. Jack selects a fresh tie and starts to knot it.
Samantha (passing a spoon through) Here you are.
Poppy Thank you, dear. And, Sammy, take the ice bucket through when you go, will you?
Harriet (rising angrily) Well, let me do something, for goodness’ sake. I’m not incapable yet, you know.
She snatches the ice bucket from Samantha and hurries into the hall.
Samantha All right, Auntie, all right …
Poppy sighs and closes the hatch. Samantha looks scornfully after her aunt.
Desmond (who is just emerging) Any chance of any food yet?
Harriet (snapping) Trust you to think of food. (She goes back into the sitting room.)
Desmond (lamely) Just … feeling a bit peckish, that’s all.
Desmond moves hesitantly in the direction of the dining room. Samantha remains in the kitchen drinking Coke. Suddenly there is a tentative knocking at the back door. Samantha turns, startled.
Samantha Who’s that?
More knocking.
(trying to spot whoever it is through the glass) Hallo? Who is it? (More knocking.) All right. Hang on.
She unlocks the door and opens it to reveal Benedict Hough, an unimpressive, unmemorable man of indeterminate age – probably in his mid-thirties.
Benedict Oh, hallo there, Miss McCracken. I have got the right house then, haven’t I?
Samantha (attempting to close the door at once) Oh no, you haven’t. You just get out …
She all but closes the door, only Benedict manages to wedge a foot in it.
Benedict (calling through the crack in the door) Miss McCracken … please, Miss McCracken, this isn’t going to help one little bit … I can obtain legal assistance if necessary, Miss McCracken, and a warrant if needs be …
Samantha (over this) You just get out. Get out. You are not coming in. Sod off …
The dispute begins to attract attention. Roy looks up from his book and moves to the hall uncertain what to do. Poppy sticks her head through the hatch.
Poppy Sammy? Sammy, what is it?
Samantha (struggling) Tell him to go away …
Roy Who is it?
Poppy Just a minute, love. Hold on.
Her head disappears. Harriet comes into the hall
from the far sitting room. Tina’s face replaces Poppy’s at the hatchway.
Harriet What’s going on? What’s happening?
Tina Who is it, Sammy? Who is it?
Samantha (almost hysterical) Tell him to just go away. Go away.
Poppy is now at the foot of the stairs.
Poppy (calling) Jack! Jack! Will you come down, please? (seeing Roy) Roy, go and help her, for God’s sake. Someone’s trying to break in.
Roy Roger. Wilco.
Roy goes into the kitchen to help Samantha. Jack comes out of the bedroom to the top of the stairs.
Jack What is it? What’s wrong?
Poppy Would you come, please, to the kitchen. Sammy needs help.
Jack comes downstairs rapidly and into the kitchen. Desmond comes out of the dining room, guiltily eating something in his fingers. As they do this –
Desmond What’s happening?
Poppy Someone’s trying to break in the back door – and, Desmond, please leave something for the others to eat, will you?
Roy (with this last, coming to Samantha’s help) OK, Sammy, let me …
Harriet (alarmed) Someone’s trying to break in the back door …
Samantha (frenziedly) Just keep him out … keep him out –
Roy Who is he …
Benedict (from outside) Miss McCracken, you really can’t behave like this … you really can’t …
Jack (arriving in the kitchen) All right, what’s going on here? Roy, out of the way.
Roy steps aside. Poppy comes into the kitchen and hovers inside the doorway.
Poppy Careful, Jack. He may be armed.
Jack Sammy, leave it to me.
Samantha (still clinging grimly to the door trying to close it) You mustn’t let him in, Dad …
Jack Sammy, just stand out of the way –
Jack moves Samantha gently but firmly away from the door. As a result Benedict, no longer meeting any opposition, is propelled into the room. Jack grabs him and holds him by the front of his mac. The others gather in and around the kitchen doorway, watching.
(threateningly) Right, that’s it.
Benedict (alarmed) Please, please, please …
Jack Close the door, Roy.
Roy closes the door.
Benedict Please, don’t do that too much, I –
Jack Who are you? Eh?
Benedict The name is Hough. Benedict Hough, (finding it hard to breathe) Might I take it I’m addressing Mr McCracken?
Jack Why?
Benedict (gurgling) Harrgh!
Poppy I think you’d better let him breathe, Jack. I don’t think he can breathe …
Jack Behave yourself, then. (He releases Benedict.)
Tina Careful, Dad …
Jack Now. What are you doing here?
Benedict It’s a personal matter, Mr McCracken. (looking towards the others) A delicate personal matter.
Jack Why were you creeping round the back door?
Benedict I wasn’t sure if this was the right house.
Jack (angrily) What do you mean, the right house? Slinking about in the dark, terrifying the life out of my teenage daughter. What’s your game then, sunshine?
Benedict (agitatedly) She shouldn’t have given me a false address then, should she?
Jack Who gave you a false address?
Benedict Your daughter.
Pause.
Jack Who? Sammy?
Benedict If that is Sammy, then yes.
Samantha Dad, he’s a loony …
Jack (pointing to Samantha) You’re talking about her?
Benedict She gave me a false name as well, (producing a small notebook) Imogen Gladys Braithwaite. Of 12A, Crab Apple Lane …
Jack (to Samantha) Is that what you told him?
Samantha What?
Jack Did you tell this man your name was Gladys …?
Samantha Never.
Benedict Oh yes, you did, young woman, don’t you try making me out a liar –
Samantha Oh, shut your pukeface.
Jack Hey! Hey! Hey!
Benedict Don’t you call me pukeface –
Jack Hoy! Hoy!
Benedict I’m not standing here to be called pukeface.
Poppy Sammy? What’s all this about?
Jack Look, would you all like to go into the other room and enjoy yourselves, please? While I sort this out?
Poppy I want to know what Sammy’s supposed to have done.
Jack Please, Poppy. It’ll be easier on our own. We won’t be long.
Poppy (with a last anxious look at Samantha) Sammy?
Samantha It’s nothing.
Poppy (reluctantly) Come on then, Roy.
Roy Check.
Everyone leaves and troops silently into the far sitting room, shepherded by Poppy. Roy closes the door.
Jack Now, what exactly are we talking about?
Benedict We’re talking about shoplifting, Mr McCracken.
Jack (incredulously) Shoplifting? What, Sammy?
Benedict I regret so.
Jack You’re not police, are you?
Benedict No, no. Private security firm. (Produces card.)Mannit Security Services – Benedict Hough.
Jack And my daughter is suspected of shoplifting?
Benedict Your daughter was apprehended whilst in the act of shoplifting.
Jack (to Samantha) Is this true?
Samantha No.
Jack Truthfully no? On your word of honour?
Samantha Yes. How many …?
Jack (satisfied) All right, Sammy, you don’t need to say any more. I know you well enough to tell when you’re lying. You have denied this accusation, Sammy, and I believe you. (with some dignity) I think you should know, Mr Hough, that traditionally in this family, when we give each other our word we mean it. On the strength of this, I am prepared to believe my daughter rather than you. So where does that leave you, eh?
Benedict That leaves me with, number one, a video recording taken by a security camera of your daughter in the act of removing and concealing goods about her person; two, an eyewitness who also saw her; three, the fact that, subsequently, having furnished me with a false name and address she physically assaulted my colleague, Mrs Clegg, and made off, discarding the stolen goods as she went, in front of two further independent witnesses. That’s where it leaves me, Mr McCracken.
Jack (after a slight pause) What goods are we talking about?
Benedict A family-sized bottle of Clearalene medicated shampoo and a stick of Little Miss Ritz waterproof eye-liner. Total value, one pound eighty-seven p.
Jack (incredulous) One pound eighty-seven p?
Benedict Correct.
Jack You are harrying my daughter for one pound eighty-seven p?
Benedict I think ‘harrying’ is a rather emotive term, Mr McCracken.
Jack It must have cost you a quid to get out here …
Benedict That’s hardly the point …
Jack One pound eighty-seven p?
Benedict If you want to put it in perspective, Mr McCracken, perhaps you’d care to multiply that sum by several thousand similar cases and you’ll appreciate how much that firm expects to lose in a year. And as to whether it’s several hundred pounds’ worth of photographic equipment or merely a handful of – hairgrips is hardly the point, is it? Theft is theft is theft, Mr McCracken.
Pause. Jack considers this.
Jack (turning to Samantha) What have you got to say, then?
Samantha shrugs.
Is this true? Well, obviously it’s true, he’s got a film of you, hasn’t he?
Benedict A video recording.
Jack How much more have you taken?
Samantha Nothing.
Jack (getting angry) A bottle of shampoo? The bloody bathroom’s swimming in it. And what else? Eye-liner, was it? For crying out loud, Sammy …
Samantha (moving to the kitchen door) Oh, Jesus …
Jack Come here, I’m talking to you –
Samantha I’m not s
taying for this –
She opens the door.
Jack (too late to intercept her) Sammy!
Samantha Don’t believe me, I don’t care …
Samantha rushes off upstairs. Jack comes out into the hall after her.
Jack (roaring) Sammy! Samantha, come down here.
Poppy comes rushing out of the sitting room. Samantha rushes into the bathroom and locks the door. Jack stops on the stairs.
Poppy Jack?
Jack (controlling himself) All right. No panic.
Poppy Where’s Sammy?
Jack She’s in the bathroom, I think.
Poppy Who is that man?
Jack Sammy’s been caught shoplifting –
Poppy Oh, my God …
Jack Don’t worry. I’ll sort it out.
Poppy She’d no need to do that, had she? She’d no need.
Jack Can you get rid of people, love? I think this party’s sort of over …
Poppy (stunned) She’d no need. No need to …
Jack (gently) Poppy …
Poppy Yes, all right.
Jack I’ll – talk to this man … Make him see reason.
Poppy Yes, you talk to him, Jack. Tell him she couldn’t have done it. I’ll get rid of them. (Turns back to the sitting room.) Tell him she had no need.
Poppy goes into the living room again. Tina and Harriet have just started to emerge, their curiosity proving too much for them. Jack goes into the kitchen where Benedict has been inspecting the fitments. Jack closes the door again.
Jack Sorry to keep you.
Benedict This is a very well-appointed kitchen. I wouldn’t mind taking a small bet as to the manufacturer. Ayres and Graces. Am I right?
Jack Absolutely.
Benedict Best to keep in with the father-in-law, eh? Hardly right for you to be seen with a Poggenpohl, would it? (He laughs.)
Jack Yes, all right. Now –
Benedict By the way, congratulations.
Jack What?
Benedict On your appointment. As the new managing director. Many congratulations.
During this next, Poppy quietly sees off their guests, Harriet, Cliff and Desmond. She stands just outside the front door talking to them. Roy sits in the sitting room and continues with the book. Tina goes upstairs, tries the bathroom door briefly and then goes along to check on her children. Samantha sits miserably in the bathroom, able to cry now she’s alone.
Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1 Page 12
