Jack How did you know that?
Benedict Ah. Never reveal your sources. First rule of the private investigator, that is.
Jack I thought you were a store detective.
Benedict I am – we are by way of freelance. We’ll tackle most jobs if asked. We were approached by Pollocks the Chemists to see if we could help stem their losses. I am pleased to say we’ve achieved that objective. We finish on Saturday.
Jack And how many 16-year-olds have you managed to trap in the process?
Benedict Schoolchildren are some of the worst offenders, Mr McCracken. Catch them early, that’s my belief.
Jack You’re going to prosecute my daughter, then?
Benedict I can’t see I’ve much option, have I? I can’t very well let her go, when we’re already proceeding with a dozen similar cases.
Jack Now, look … Sammy gave you the wrong name, didn’t she? For all anyone knows, you could still be looking for this Gladys –
Benedict Imogen Gladys Braithwaite …
Jack Who’s to say you ever found her?
Benedict Oh, quite so.
Jack So. It’s in your hands then, isn’t it?
Benedict I suppose it is.
Jack Well.
Slight pause. They look at each other.
Benedict I’m pleased you aren’t attempting to coerce me, Mr McCracken …
Jack You mean bribe you?
Benedict I’m overjoyed that you’re not going to try that.
Jack No, I don’t do that sort of thing.
Benedict I’m delighted.
Jack I’d never do that. Never.
Benedict Good.
Pause.
Good. Splendid.
Pause.
Well, I think I can perhaps overlook your daughter’s – momentary lapse …
Jack If you felt you could, I’d be delighted –
Benedict Yes. I’m sure I could feel I could …
Jack Well, then. What more can I say, Mr –?
Benedict Hough.
Jack Hough. I’m sorry I can’t offer you a drink but we do have company this evening …
Benedict I fully understand.
Jack We’ll use the front door this time, shall we?
Benedict Yes, that would probably be more convenient.
Jack is about to open the kitchen door. Poppy has closed the front door on her guests and returned to the sitting room.
Mr McCracken. On another matter …
Jack Yes?
Benedict I have, again via my sources, heard that your firm – your father-in-law’s firm … is experiencing one or two troubles …
Jack Really? You do hear a lot, don’t you? What troubles are these?
Benedict I feel it would be improper of me to elaborate –
Jack Well, then, that’s that, isn’t it?
Benedict I’ll leave your father-in-law to tell you the details …
Jack Be honest, Mr Hough. You are talking through the seat of your trousers, aren’t you?
Benedict I think you should listen to your father-in-law first, Mr McCracken. As his new managing director, he will be expecting you to make certain investigational arrangements. And when it comes to the choice of investigator, it would obviously be in your gift just as much as … this other affair is in mine – (noticing a rather dangerous look in Jack’s eye) Now that is not bribery, Mr McCracken. No tainted money will have passed hands. That is a bona fide business proposal which is something quite other. A man in your position will appreciate that distinction, I’m sure. (Smiles at Jack.) I’m sure you do. Yes. (Slight pause.) Terrible thing, all this shoplifting. Can’t blame the kids sometimes. The temptation must be insuperable. Trouble is, it’s usually just the beginning. Before you know it, they’re setting about senior citizens. (with a certain relish) You know what my solution would be? Corporal punishment. You take my advice, Mr McCracken, you give it a try. She’s not too old for it, you know. The bigger they are …
Jack (quietly) Goodnight, Mr Hough, (opening the kitchen door) I think I must ask you to leave now before I do you some damage. All right?
Benedict nervously retreats through the door. During the next, Poppy and Roy emerge from the sitting room through various doors and Tina hurries along the landing and halfway downstairs to investigate. Samantha listens at the bathroom door.
Benedict (hurriedly going through to the hall) Be careful, Mr McCracken, be careful. All right then, all right. Forget what I said. Forget every word. I’m doing you no favours at all then, Mr McCracken. Forget it. Forget I spoke …
Jack (calmly) Just as you like … It’s up to you.
Poppy (alarmed) Jack …?
Benedict You don’t get anything for nothing in this world, Mr McCracken, just you remember that. I’ll see your daughter has the book thrown at her. I’ll see she …
Jack (with a terrible roar) GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!
Benedict retreats out the front door. Jack slams it after him and stands, trying to compose himself. Poppy hurries to him.
Poppy Jack? Are you all right?
Jack (breathless) Oh, I was that near to – I was very near to violence then …
Roy Want me to go out and do him over?
Jack No, I do not, thank you, Roy. You would no doubt get lost between here and the garden gate.
Roy (unoffended) Roger. Fair enough.
Poppy Tina, try and coax Sammy down, will you? She’ll listen to you.
During the next, Tina goes upstairs again as far as the bathroom door.
(to Jack) Easy, love. Steady the Vikings. You’re shaking. Roy, get him a drink.
Roy Right.
Jack Scotch and water with plenty of water.
Poppy Come on, sit down a moment.
Solicitously, she leads Jack into the near sitting room. Roy goes to the drinks.
Tina (knocking gently on the bathroom door) Sammy … it’s only me. It’s Tina. Sammy? He’s gone now, it’s all right. Dad threw him out.
Poppy I take it you couldn’t come to any agreement?
Jack Hardly.
Tina Sammy … let me in, please …
Poppy Ah, well. I’m sure you did what you could. We’ll just have to make sure we stand by her, won’t we? All of us. The family. She’ll have to face the consequences. But we’ll face them with her.
Jack (impressed by this) You’re a good person, Poppy.
Under the next, Samantha opens the bathroom door. Tina takes her gently by the arm and, talking softly to her, brings her downstairs. Roy arrives with Jack’s drink.
(taking glass) Thanks, Roy.
After a moment, Roy sits and resumes reading his book.
Poppy We must all talk it over. Tina’s fetching Sammy down. She always listens to Tina.
Jack She never listens to me …
Poppy Nonsense. She worships you.
Jack She hardly talks to me these days at all. Hardly get five words out of her.
Poppy Maybe she’s a little nervous of you …
Jack Nervous of me? What’s she got to be nervous about?
Poppy Well. You’re a lot to live up to sometimes, Jack. You set very high standards for yourself and you expect them from other people. I mean, fair enough but –
Jack (amazed) What are you talking about?
Poppy (who has said enough) Nothing.
Jack I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Poppy What’s that you’re reading, Roy?
Roy It’s Sammy’s book. Very naughty.
Poppy (shrugging) Oh. Well …
Roy Price is a bit naughty, too. Twelve quid. Imagine spending twelve quid on a book. I mean, how does Sammy manage to spend twelve quid on books, that’s what I want to know …
A silence.
Ah.
Jack Stand on your head for a minute, Roy, there’s a good lad. Take the weight off your brain.
Tina (arriving in the doorway) Here she is.
Poppy (to Samantha) All right, Sammy? Come and sit do
wn. Are you all right, dear?
Samantha Yes.
Jack Hallo, Sammy.
Samantha ’lo.
Poppy We’ve been saying, Samy, that whatever the outcome of all this, darling, we’re going to stand by you. We’re a family.
Samantha You all coming to prison with me, are you?
Poppy You’re not going to prison. Is she, Jack? Sammy’s not going to prison?
Jack Course you’re not.
Poppy Your Dad did what he could to persuade the man but –
Samantha Yes, I heard him.
Jack Why, Sammy? That’s what I don’t understand. For less than two quids’ worth of goods.
Poppy Is that all it was? What made you do it?
Samantha I don’t know.
Jack (sharper) You must know …
Poppy All right, Jack.
Jack No, I want to know. Why?
Samantha Something to do, wasn’t it?
Jack Something to do?
Samantha Yes.
Jack Bloody hell.
Samantha Everybody does.
Jack Everybody does what? Would you speak up, Sammy, I can’t hear you?
Samantha (louder) Everybody steals things.
Jack Oh, do they? I see. That’s the reason. We all steal things. Tina steals things. Your Mum steals things, does she? Are you saying I steal things?
Samantha No. You don’t.
Jack Of course I don’t. Neither does Tina. Nor does your Mum. You’re on your own, Sammy. You’re the only one that steals round here, I’m afraid.
Samantha Mum does.
Jack What?
Samantha Steals.
Poppy I do not.
Samantha You do.
Poppy When?
Samantha From where you work. You nick things from your office. You’re always bringing things home.
Poppy Oh, come on, Sammy, that’s hardly the same, is it?
Nobody answers.
Well, it isn’t. I mean, all I take is the odd pencil or paper … clip …
Slight pause.
Well, it’s not the same thing at all, is it?
Jack (to Tina) Do you steal things?
Tina No. Of course I don’t. No. (Pause.) Not really. (looking at Samantha) Not like I used to.
Jack Oh, you used to?
Tina No – just the odd … thing. Jar of jam. Tin of sardines. Nothing. They never missed it. Only when Roy and I were starting out. When we were hard up.
Jack You were never hard up.
Tina We have been, you don’t know …
Jack Yes, I do know. Because I made very sure you never were …
Tina You may have thought you did –
Jack As soon as you told us you were expecting Kevin, I paid for your wedding, I set you up in a flat and I got Ken to give Roy a job. And I gave you a cash sum as well. Not that we could afford it –
Poppy True.
Jack So don’t try that one.
Tina It still wasn’t enough.
Jack So you were reduced to stealing things, is that it? You were so poor …
Tina Yes, we were. (Slight pause.) Also I resented paying for them.
Jack Ah, well. Now that’s something quite different, isn’t it?
Poppy Come on now …
Tina I resented the vast profits all these firms were making off basic necessities of life we couldn’t do without even if we wanted to …
Jack Bloody hell, let’s all sing ‘The Red Flag’, shall we?
Tina Look, don’t you make fun – Roy, stand up for me, will you?
Roy Everybody steals a bit, don’t they?
Jack Look, what’s the matter with you lot? You’re just sitting there thinking up reasons for taking things that don’t belong to you. That’s all you’re doing. Am I the only person here who actually thinks it’s wrong? It can’t be just me, can it? Am I the only one left with any moral values at all?
Poppy Come on, Jack. We’re changing the subject.
Jack Well, that’s one down, isn’t it? Nine to go. Next! Thou shalt not kill. What about that then? Let’s have a crack at that one next, shall we?
Tina Dad …
Jack Anybody here object to killing people? No. Right. Good. Carried.
Poppy Jack, for God’s sake, don’t get so excited. You just fly off at things. You’ll have a heart attack or something. He did this with that man just now. Shouted at him and threatened him. If he’d just kept a bit calmer he might have been more co-operative …
Jack Calmer? Do you know what that man was trying to do? I’ll tell you. He was attempting to blackmail me.
Tina Blackmail?
Samantha Yes. Employ me and I won’t prosecute. Can you believe that? I mean, if I reported that to the authorities he’d be the one in gaol, not Sammy.
Poppy Wait a minute. He said he’d let Sammy off if you gave him a job?
Jack Unbelievable, isn’t it?
Poppy So what did you say?
Jack You heard what I said.
Silence.
What’s wrong?
Poppy You’d rather Sammy went to court than give him what he wanted …?
Jack No, that’s twisting it …
Tina No, it isn’t.
Jack Do you realize if I’d given in to him …
Poppy Sammy wouldn’t be prosecuted.
Jack You can’t give in to a man like that.
Poppy Why not?
Jack Because. Where does it end, for one thing? Anyway, I don’t want him working for me. I don’t even want him in the same town.
Tina So, Sammy has to go to court …
Jack You cannot simply buy your way out of things by giving into blackmail and threats –
Tina Dad, we’re talking about Sammy’s future –
Jack Look, to hell with Sammy, there’s a principle at stake here. (Slight pause. Trying to retract) No, I didn’t mean that.
Samantha turns and runs upstairs again. This time she goes into one of the far rooms, presumably her own. The door slams.
Tina (going after Samantha) Oh, terrific. That’s amazing, that is, absolutely amazing. My own father. Why don’t you put the handcuffs on her while you’re about it?
Tina goes upstairs after Samantha. She stands at the end of the landing and talks to her sister softly through the door, as before. After a minute or two, Samantha lets her in.
Jack Now come on, come on. No need for everyone to start getting over-excited. I’ve said I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry.
Poppy is staring at him incredulously. Roy has dived deeper into his book.
I don’t know what we’re all getting so excited about, I’m sure.
Poppy picks up a couple of glasses and starts for the kitchen.
Poppy (as she goes) I never would have believed it of you.
Jack (following her) What?
Poppy That you’d do that. To your own daughter.
Jack Do what?
Poppy You had a chance to save her and you refused it.
Poppy enters the kitchen and puts the glasses on the draining board. She makes for the sitting room again.
Jack (following her as he speaks) Rubbish. All I did was stand up to blackmail and insist she face the consequences of her own actions. She knew what she was doing –
Poppy (entering the near sitting room) Oh, well, let them cut off her hands then, why not?
Jack (still following her) It’s a good job they don’t, isn’t it? Or else there’d be very few left in this house with any limbs at all –
Roy Short-handed, eh? (He laughs.)
Jack (savagely) You, shut up!
Poppy takes up a tray of dirty glasses and returns to the kitchen.
Poppy (more calmly) In spite of what you might think, Jack, none of us are hardened criminals –
Jack (trailing after her) I never said you were …
Poppy But let me tell you that there have been times when I could have become one without the slightest difficulty. And I have been tempted.
God, I have been tempted at times …
Jack Rubbish.
Poppy puts the tray of glasses down on the table, transfers them to the sink and, during the course of the next, washes them up. Jack, by reflex, in turn dries them and puts them back on the tray.
Poppy (handing him a tea-towel) Jack, you are the nicest, most honest, upright, undevious man I have ever met. And I love you for that. I always have done. I’ve admired you. And I’ve tried to live up to you, I promise. But I am here to tell you that at times it has not been easy.
Jack What, living with me?
Poppy No, trying to make ends meet …
Jack We’re comfortable enough …
Poppy Only because I budget down to the last penny, we are …
Jack We manage perfectly well …
Poppy Jack, you don’t shop. When was the last time you went shopping? I mean serious shopping. Not just for hi-fi …
Jack You make it sound as if we’re on the bread line. We’re both earning, aren’t we?
Poppy Do you think I like going to work?
Jack I assumed you did –
Poppy Well, you’ve assumed a hell of a lot, it seems to me …
Jack Why else are you working?
Poppy Because otherwise we couldn’t manage. Oh, we’d live. We’d still live a bloody sight better than most people, but we wouldn’t live in the style to which you and the kids have gradually grown accustomed.
Jack (calculating) Listen, there’s my salary plus your salary, which amounts to what, per annum …?
Poppy Gross, an awful lot. Net, not much. I can assure you.
Jack Ah, well. That’s the same the world over, isn’t –
Poppy No, it is not the same. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Because everybody else works little fiddles. That’s what the system’s designed for. That’s what it allows for. Everybody – everybody but us, that is – everybody else bends it a little; just a little bit here and there; and they don’t quite declare that; and they tell a little lie about that. Not dishonest, Jack, just a little bit fuzzy round the edges sometimes …
Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1 Page 13
