Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1
Page 29
Mervyn Oh, is it? Yes, of course, that’s your phone …
He laughs. Nan laughs as well.
Corinna That woman laughs at anything.
Jerome She’s got a sense of humour. That’s why I love her. Don’t I, precious?
Nan kisses him.
Corinna Oh, do stop it, both of you.
The answering machine picks up the incoming call. On screen, Lupus appears. He is still in the club phone box but there seems to be some sort of riot going on round him. There also appears to be something on fire, judging from the smoke and the flames reflected on his face. He looks somewhat the worse for wear.
My God, it’s not him …
Lupus Hi, Jerry, mate. I’ll have to make this a quick one. Lupus, still at the old Cockatoo. I hope the answering machine doesn’t mean you’re on your way here. Anyway, this is to say, if you do get this message, don’t bother coming down. It’s got a bit rough here …
Jerome gets up and crosses to the console.
Jerome Excuse me.
Lupus Apparently, this afternoon the club was booked by two hundred members of the Motorhead Nostalgic Appreciation Society. I ask you, Jerry – Motorhead! Where have they been? I said to one of them, listen, if it’s nostalgia you’re into then do yourself a favour, treat yourself to the Moody Blues and listen to real music. I mean, really –
His voice is cut off as Jerome fades him down.
Corinna Good old Lupus.
Mervyn Do you need to make any calls on his behalf? His lawyer or something? It looked quite serious …
Jerome No, no. He’s all right. That’s always happening to Lupus. Nothing out of the ordinary.
On screen, the phone booth topples on to its side. Lupus goes with it, still gesticulating and talking. None of them notices this. The screen goes blank.
There you are, you see, he’s hung up.
Corinna The man is a walking state of emergency. Is he still with that woman? With Deborah?
Nan makes a little strangled sound.
Or is she off with somebody else’s husband again?
Jerome I really wouldn’t know. Look, let’s –
Corinna Dear little Deborah, I wonder how she is these days?
Nan reacts again and does so every time Deborah’s name is mentioned.
Heard anything from Deborah lately, have you, Zoë?
Jerome I don’t think Zoë wants to talk about Deborah and nor do I.
Corinna I’m sure you don’t. But how do you know Zoë doesn’t?
Jerome Because she doesn’t.
Corinna Have you asked her? Ask her.
Mervyn (jocularly) I think I’d quite like to hear about Deborah from the sound of things …
He laughs. Nan laughs. Jerome glares at him.
Corinna Go on. Ask her.
Jerome There isn’t the faintest chance is there, darling, you want to hear about Deborah?
Nan I want to hear about Deborah, darling.
Corinna (scenting blood) There you are. I told you she did. Of course she does. Everyone should know about Deborah, shouldn’t they? The Deborahs of this world need discussing. They need a constant airing – in her case, literally. Zoë needs to know. Forewarned is forearmed. And I’m sure Mr Bickerdyke here, who can get undressed very, very quickly if called upon to do so, might like to be warned about Deborah, too.
Jerome Look, come on, Corinna, why drag that up again …
Mervyn I think we might be in essence be straying away from the basic issues here … (He beeps again.) Ignore that. Ignore that! That is me, this time, that is definitely me.
Corinna (confidentially, to Nan) Never mind, Zoë. Later, when we’re alone, darling, I’ll tell you all about Deborah. (She laughs.)
Nan (laughing) You’ll tell me all about Deborah, darling.
Corinna I think Zoë and I have a lot more in common than I thought.
Jerome I don’t think Zoë has anything to say to you at all.
Corinna What’s the matter? Frightened she might hear the truth?
Jerome Not at all.
Corinna That’s a man’s greatest nightmare, isn’t it? All the women in his life getting together and talking about him. What’s he like at breakfast, darling? What’s he like in bed?
Nan He’ll soon get the hang of it again, I’m sure.
Corinna blinks.
Corinna What did she say?
Jerome laughs loudly. Nan follows suit.
Jerome God, this girl’s sense of humour is wicked sometimes. Wicked. Isn’t it, precious?
Nan kisses him. Corinna is very puzzled.
Corinna (staring at them both) Yes …
Mervyn I think if I could hop, step and jump in again at this point. Just – looking at the time …
Corinna Listen, we can keep this very simple. The situation is this. Geain has reached an age now when I am more than happy for us both to share responsibility, Jerome. I am happy that she sees you. I am happy that she spends time with you.
Jerome You what?
Corinna My only –
Jerome You are saying this now, after –?
Corinna My only –
Jerome After four years of –?
Corinna May I please finish? My only misgiving has been the thought of Geain coming to see you here. The combination of you, the flat and the general state of this neighbourhood always seemed to me strong enough reason to prevent her coming. Well, the neighbourhood certainly hasn’t improved but – thanks I suspect to Zoë, quite a lot else has. So I withdraw my objections. Geain may come and see you if she likes, whenever she likes.
Jerome Do you hear that, Mr Bickerdyke?
Mervyn Yes, indeed.
Jerome You are bearing witness to this?
Mervyn I am.
Jerome Well. That’s that, isn’t it?
Corinna Presumably. It’s up to Geain. That’s if Mr Bickerdyke has no objections?
Jerome You don’t have objections?
Mervyn No, no.
Jerome There’s no problem, is there?
Mervyn Well …
Jerome What?
Mervyn There is one aspect with which I’m not entirely happy, I have to confess. I mean, although the youngster has to come first, indeed her interests are of paramount importance – everyone, in a sense, needs to be considered. And I’m not altogether convinced that there aren’t certain individuals – certain aspects of the existing – (He beeps. In time, he goes on to ‘answer’.) – ignore that – please – ignore that – aspects of the existing status quo that could suffer – as the result of any subsequent modified arrangements – regarding the possible – alteration of the present – custodianship of the youngster. As of this present time.
Corinna makes a loud snoring noise.
If you follow me.
Jerome Do I take it you are not happy for Geain to come here?
Mervyn Well …
Jerome You don’t consider us suitable?
Mervyn It’s difficult to put into words …
Jerome I’m her father.
Mervyn Oh, quite.
Jerome And Zoë loves children. She adores them. She was saying so only the other day. Tell them your feelings towards children.
A slight pause. Nan does not react.
(remembering the key word) Sweetheart.
Nan (promptly) I’d love to have children of my own. Wouldn’t that be lovely to hear them rushing about the flat, laughing and yelling? With the right man – someone who’d share them – they’d be everything I ever wanted. I suppose you’re either maternal or you aren’t. I know which I am.
A silence.
Jerome (moved) Darling, thank you.
Nan Thank you, darling.
Mervyn (rather moved) Well, what can one say…?
Corinna What indeed?
Mervyn I’ll be honest with you, Mr Watkins. What I’ve experienced here this afternoon has been for me – as a married man myself – heart-warming. You and your – fiancée – Zoë – well – you
can feel it when you walk in the door. You can almost sense the happiness.
Jerome There you are, then.
Mervyn It’s just that I’m a little afraid of what might happen if we introduced Geain into this house. There is, on the one hand, the real hope that your own happiness could have a beneficial effect on the youngster –
Jerome It’s bound to.
Mervyn Ah, but it has been known to happen, that because the couple were so contented, the introduction of the youngster actually upset the happy status quo. And the couple became unhappy as a result of having the youngster with them. Consequently, the youngster was no longer in a happy home but an unhappy one. Which naturally in turn made it, the youngster, feel guilty because it felt responsible for causing that unhappiness. Which had the knock-on effect, of course, of making the youngster unhappy, which won’t do at all. Because, after all, the bottom line is the happiness of the youngster, is it or is it not, correct me if I’m wrong?
A pause. They stare at him, trying to work out what he’s said.
Corinna Your job’s a good deal more complicated than most people imagine, isn’t it, Mr Bickerdyke?
Jerome You feel that Geain might upset me and Zoë?
Mervyn I’m saying she could. At her present stage of adolescence. Which is – complex.
Jerome And that, in turn, would upset Geain?
Mervyn It’s possible.
Jerome Well, that’s simple enough. If that happens I’ll get rid of her.
Mervyn I beg your pardon?
Jerome I’ll get rid of her.
Mervyn Get rid of Geain?
Jerome No, of course not. Not Geain. I’ll get rid of Zoë. That’s easy enough.
Mervyn (stunned) You’d get rid of her?
Jerome Yes. We’d – you know – split up. For the sake of the child.
Mervyn Just like that?
Corinna What does Zoë have to say about that?
Jerome Darling, you wouldn’t mind us splitting up for the sake of the child?
Nan I wouldn’t mind us splitting up for the sake of the child, darling.
Jerome There you are, you see, she doesn’t mind at all.
Mervyn But that’s what you did before.
Jerome What?
Mervyn You and your wife. That’s what you did before. That’s the root of the problem now. You can’t do that again. Think of the youngster. We must think of the youngster, Mr Watkins.
Jerome Yes, that was with her mother. That was different. I mean, this is only with – only – with –
A pause.
Corinna Only some woman or other, he was going to say.
Jerome No.
Corinna Well, Zoë. You’re taking this all very calmly, dear. I hope you know what you’re doing. Personally, I’d have punched your precious fiancé on the nose.
Nan kisses Jerome on the cheek.
Oh well, save your breath. Never mind, Zoë, if you’re very good in this life, you might just come back in the next as a shoe-cleaning kit. You’ll enjoy that.
Jerome There is no need to be offensive, Corinna. Just because the sight of two people completely and hopelessly in love distresses you, there’s –
Corinna In love? Jerome, you are treating this woman like a doormat. How dare you? And Zoë, for heaven’s sake, darling, stand up for yourself.
Nan stands up.
Nan Standing up, darling.
Jerome (swiftly) Darling, sit down.
Nan (sitting) Sitting down, darling.
Mervyn Listen, I must just be allowed to finish the point I started making … Which is, that this is all a big hypothetical if. Much more likely is that Geain will respond to the peaceful friendly ambience and the reverse will happen. The relationship between the three of you will take root and blossom …
Nan Oh, yes. Arkadina in Chekhov and Queen Margaret in See How They Run.
Mervyn I beg your pardon?
Corinna What?
Jerome She wants to go and study. Darling, you need to go and study.
Nan (rising immediately) I need to go and study, darling.
Nan goes off to the bedrooms.
Mervyn Do you think you may have offended her?
Corinna Impossible.
Mervyn I don’t know, some people may not care to be referred to as shoe-cleaning equipment.
Corinna Oh, surely not in Zoë’s case? Living with Jerome, that comes under the heading of a compliment.
Mervyn looks at his watch.
Mervyn They’re rather late, aren’t they? I think I might phone the car. Do you think that would be an idea? Make sure they’re all right?
Corinna If you like.
Jerome Do you want to use the – (indicating his phone)?
Mervyn No, no. I’ll use my other line. It’s quite all right.
He moves off to the hall to speak in private.
Corinna Well. Congratulations, Jerome. I’m very, very, very pleased for you. I’m delighted. (Pause.) I’m so thrilled, you’ve no idea. (Pause.) No, really, I am. I’m being perfectly sincere. (Pause.) At least one of us has managed to …(Pause.) I’m really pleased. Honestly. You must be – so happy. (Pause.) You’re very lucky, both of you. (Pause.) She’s lovely and obviously wonderful for you and you’re both very much in love. (Pause.) Who could ask for anything more?
Jerome I couldn’t?
He smiles.
Corinna No.
A pause.
(with sudden suppressed fury) You smug bastard.
Mervyn returns from the hall.
Mervyn Sorry to interrupt …They’re here. The car’s just arrived. Apparently, they were –
He is cut short by the doorbell ringing. The face of a short-haired, dark-chinned hermaphrodite appears on the screen.
Mervyn Ah, I’ll get it. I’ll get it.
He goes out to the hall again.
Jerome No, don’t open the door without … (seeing what is on the screen) No, don’t open it. Don’t let that thing in here.
On screen, Mervyn opens the door.
What’s he doing? (diving for his swordstick) What’s the idiot think he’s doing? He’s letting in every monster in the neighbourhood.
Corinna Jerome, dear. That is Geain.
Jerome What?
Geain enters the flat and closes the door. The screen blanks.
Corinna That’s your daughter. That’s Geain. Remember?
Jerome (stunned) Geain? That is Geain?
Geain enters. In the flesh, she looks if anything slightly more grotesque. She wears a not unfamiliar parody of male work clothes circa 1955. But hers are carried to some extreme. Heavy boots, cord trousers with a wide leather belt, padded rather incongruously at the crotch, old, faded shirt open at the neck to reveal the currently fashionable ‘hairy vest’ i.e. an undershirt knotted with a mass of supposed chest hair. The back of her jacket is studded with the words: SONS OF BITCHES. Her hair is short, brushed straight back and oiled; her only make-up the blue-chinned, unshaven look.
Geain (cursorily) ’llo.
She strides into the room, picks up a sandwich and sits, without ceremony or introduction. Jerome stares, thunderstruck. Her brusqueness, one suspects, also hides a shyness.
Corinna Here she is.
Geain (scowling) He.
Corinna Sorry, my mistake. He. You remember your – son Geain, don’t you? This is your father, dear.
Geain (nodding to Jerome) ’llo.
Jerome manages to open and shut his mouth. Geain crams another sandwich into her mouth.
Mervyn (with inappropriate avuncularity) Did you manage to buy that game you were looking for, Geain?
Geain (scowling) No.
Mervyn Oh, why was that?
Geain (muttering) Daughters.
Mervyn What’s that?
Geain Daughters.
Mervyn Tortoise?
Geain Daughters. Daughters of Darkness.
Mervyn Oh, those, yes. What about them?
Geain Wouldn’t let me in.
Geain No.
Mervyn Why ever not?
Geain They hate us. We hate them.
Mervyn Oh, dear. That’s not very friendly, is it?
Corinna They’re great rivals apparently. Amazing as it may sound, the Sons of Bitches and the Daughters of Darknesses aren’t speaking to each other at all.
Geain Rancid sows.
Corinna (to Jerome) Your son, you will observe, has joined the Male Dominance Movement – the Top Missionaries … whatever they’re called.
Geain (through her sandwich) The Missionary Position.
Corinna Missionary Position.
A silence.
Well, I’ve no doubt you two will have lots to talk about. (Pause.) Talking of missionaries, shouldn’t you call Zoë? She should meet Geain, surely?
Mervyn Oh, yes. Let’s bring Zoë in.
Jerome (still dazed, calling) Darling!
Nan’s voice (from the bedroom) Hallo, darling?
Jerome Darling, come in. My – my – Geain’s arrived.
Nan (off) Right you are, darling. Just a tick.
Corinna Zoë is Dad’s new friend, Geain. His fiancée.
Geain looks at Jerome scornfully. Jerome looks at Geain and gives a little despairing moan.
Geain Huh!
Nan enters from the bedroom.
Nan (brightly, as she enters) Hallo! Hallo! Hallo! Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! Sorry, I completely lost tra–
Corinna This is Geain, Zoë. Geain, say hallo to Zoë.
Geain stares at Nan. Nan stares at Geain. For various reasons, neither of them speaks.
Ah. (softly) Geain, at least say hallo.
Geain ’llo.
Jerome (rather automatically) Darling. This is Geain. Treasure.
Nan (at once) Well, who’s this beautiful little girl, then? You must be Geain, mustn’t you? Well, Geain, I’m Zoë. And we’re going to be very, very good friends, aren’t we? I hope we are. Now would you like to come into the kitchen with me and I’ll give you a big glass of orange, how about that? Come on, then, come with Zoë …