Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Thank you. There is no point in arguing over this. Geain, come along please, we are going home. (Pause.) Geain.

  Geain No.

  Corinna What?

  Geain I don’t want to go.

  Corinna You don’t –

  Geain I’m staying here.

  Jerome There you are. There you are, you see. Out of the mouths … You heard that, Mr Bickerdyke? My daughter chooses to stay here with me. Could that be clearer?

  Geain Son.

  Jerome What?

  Corinna Son. At least get its sex right.

  Jerome My son, then, has chosen to stay with its father. Its natural father. There is justice. Thank you, God, there is justice.

  Corinna This you note, Mr Bickerdyke, from a man who a few minutes ago asked to have this transvestite truck driver screwed back on the church roof.

  Jerome That was a joke. That was a joke – between men. Eh, Geain?

  Corinna Geain, I appreciate that after four years of me, your father probably holds some small novelty appeal. But may I warn you, dear, that it wears very, very thin, very, very rapidly.

  Jerome Don’t listen to that, Geain. Ignore this woman’s prattle.

  Mervyn May I just – I’m going to have to bound in here, once again … Geain. I’m afraid there’s no question of your staying here, dear …

  Jerome Don’t listen to him, either. He’s an old woman.

  Mervyn Please, Mr Watkins. So far as I can gather, Geain, that woman whose hand you are holding is someone your father rented – for the day. Zoë is an actress pretending to be a friend of your father’s. But she does not belong here and she doesn’t intend staying. She is not a woman, therefore, we consider suitable to look after you. Do you understand that, Geain?

  Geain She’s not a woman.

  Mervyn What?

  Geain I said she’s not a woman.

  Corinna What do you mean, she’s not a woman …

  Geain She’s a machine.

  Mervyn (laughing) Now, come along, Geain, that’s rather baby talk for someone of your age, isn’t it –?

  Geain She is. (indicating Jerome) Ask him.

  Jerome Well, I’m sure your father isn’t going to – He’s certainly not going to – He won’t … He’s not …

  He is looking to Jerome for a denial but tails off when he doesn’t get one.

  Jerome Yes, Geain’s right. She’s a machine.

  Corinna I have never heard such … They’re both as mad as each other.

  Geain (lifting Nan’s skirt to reveal her metal upper legs) Look.

  Corinna (screaming) Oh, dear God.

  Mervyn (with her) Wah!

  Corinna (in a low voice) What is it? What have you let near her …

  Jerome It’s only a – It’s just a machine.

  Corinna But I’ve never seen – Where did it come from?

  Jerome Er – from the man down the hall, actually.

  Corinna The man down the hall? What man down what hall? Get it away from her, Jerome.

  Geain Him.

  Corinna Him. Get it away from him.

  Jerome She’s only a machine. It’s harmless.

  Mervyn But how did you come by this machine, Mr Watkins? I mean, where did it come from originally? I presume you didn’t make it yourself?

  Jerome No. This man gave it to me and I just – patched it up, that’s all. Got it working again –

  Corinna Patched it up? You?

  Jerome Yes.

  Corinna You can’t even mend the front door. Get it away from him.

  Jerome She can – He can walk away from it if he wants to. It’s perfectly safe.

  Corinna Geain, walk away from it.

  Geain I don’t want to walk away from it.

  Mervyn You still haven’t answered my question. Where did this thing originate?

  Jerome It – it originated in a factory – it was a prototype for a model that never went into full production. The firm went broke. There’s no need to worry. That was actually designed to look after children. It’s technically an automatic child-minder. So. Geain couldn’t be safer. Could he?

  Mervyn (suspiciously) What was the name of this thing?

  Jerome Well, it’s a a NAN 300F. You probably wouldn’t have –

  Mervyn Oh yes, I have. I have indeed. I know all about the NAN 300F, thank you very much.

  Corinna What about them?

  Mervyn My department had to deal with the whole business.

  Corinna What business?

  Jerome Nothing. There were a few teething troubles –

  Corinna What sort?

  Jerome Just teething troubles …

  Mervyn Yes, I suppose you could term them that. If you call putting a baby in a microwave oven teething troubles –

  Corinna It did what?

  Jerome Not this one. This one didn’t do that.

  Mervyn One of them did, Mr Watkins, one of them did.

  Corinna It put a baby –?

  Jerome That was entirely the mother’s fault.

  Mervyn The mother’s?

  Jerome It wasn’t the machine’s fault – the mother had her kitchen moved around and never told the machine. I mean, how can you expect a machine to know any better –

  Mervyn I don’t see how you can possibly take the side of a machine against a human being.

  Jerome Against most human beings, very easily. If human beings behaved a bit less like human beings and a bit more like machines, we’d all be better off –

  Mervyn That is the most extraordinary argument I have ever heard …

  Corinna Look, would you mind? That thing, that baby-killer, is at present holding my son’s hand. Will you please do something about it? Mr Bickerdyke?

  Mervyn Yes, I’ll – I’ll … Right (speaking to Nan, slowly and nervously) Let go. Let go her. Go let!

  There is no response from Nan.

  Corinna Oh, for heaven’s sake. (approaching Nan determinedly) Will you let go of my child’s hand at once? (Standing bravely eye to eye with Nan.) Do you hear me?

  Nan I know what you’re after, dear, and you’re not going to have him. If you want Jerome, the only way you’re going to get him is over my dead body, you calculating little trollop.

  Corinna (stepping back) Oh, dear God …

  Nan You’d better watch your step, Mrs Danvers, or one of these nights you’re going to wake up with your throat cut.

  Corinna (retreating) What have you put in this thing, Jerome? Who have you got in there?

  Jerome No, she must have mistaken you for –

  Corinna I know who she mistook me for, thank you, I’m not a complete fool … But who does she imagine she is?

  Jerome (intrigued by this question) I don’t know, you know. I never really asked her.

  Corinna Are you going to tell it to release our child?

  Jerome Not unless our child wants to be released.

  Corinna How can you let this happen? You heard what he said.

  Mervyn It’s all right. Leave this to me. I’ll stop this. (to Nan) Come on. Or I may have to resort to force.

  Jerome I wouldn’t –

  Mervyn (approaching Nan) Come on. You have no right to that child …

  Jerome Be careful, she may think you’re a child-molester.

  Mervyn I’m certainly not a child-molester, how dare you? (to Nan) Come along …

  Mervyn tries to pull Geain away from Nan. Nan grips Mervyn’s face in the palm of her hand for a second. Then, with a seemingly effortless push, sends the man reeling back across the room. Mervyn trips and falls on to his back.

  Geain (admiringly) Yeah!

  Corinna Stop her!

  Jerome Nan!

  A loud intermittent whooping sound is heard as Mervyn’s personal alarm system goes off.

  Corinna What the hell’s that?

  Jerome It must be his alarm system.

  Corinna Well, switch it off. Get him to switch it off. Geain, come along.

  Geain No.

  Corinna
It’s dangerous. Darling, you saw what it did to Mr Bickerdyke.

  Geain Yeah!

  Nan I saw what it did to Mr Bickerdyke, darling.

  Corinna Oh, dear God. It’s mad. It’s a mad machine. Will somebody stop that noise?

  Jerome I think he’s unconscious.

  Corinna Well, you do it …

  Jerome I don’t know if I can. I don’t suppose it’s designed to –

  Jerome starts to fumble around under the inert Mervyn’s shirt. He comes out with a handful of wire. He pulls it hopefully. Under the next, he unravels several yards of wire from somewhere within the recesses of Mervyn.

  Corinna Just do it. Now, come along, Jerome, how do I get this machine away from Geain? Please.

  Jerome Call it darling. You have to call it that. She’s programmed to respond to ‘darling’.

  Corinna Oh, yes? Well, don’t count on it as a general principle. (approaching Nan) Darling … Hallo. Darling.

  Nan Hallo, darling.

  Corinna Oh, this is ridiculous … Jerome, will you switch that off –

  Jerome (his hands full of wire) I’m trying to switch it off.

  Corinna (trying again with Nan) Let go, darling. Geain, please, sweetheart …

  Nan (promptly) I’d love to have children of my own. Wouldn’t it be lovely to hear them rushing about the flat, laughing and yelling? With the right man – someone who’d share them – they’d be everything I ever wanted. I suppose you’re either maternal or you aren’t. I know which I am.

  Corinna (over this) What is it talking about? Jerome, it’s gone completely berserk, it’s off again …

  Jerome It’s OK. You just keep feeding it trigger words, that’s all –

  Corinna What the hell are you talking about, ‘trigger words’?

  Jerome leaves Mervyn swathed in wire. He comes over to help Corinna. Mervyn, at this moment, starts to recover.

  Jerome Look. You just have to do this, that’s all. Darling.

  Nan Yes, darling.

  Jerome Darling, let go.

  Nan Letting go, darling.

  Nan immediately releases Geain’s hand.

  Geain (promptly retaking Nan’s hand) No.

  Corinna Geain, for goodness’ sake …

  Mervyn gets to his knees and reaches with difficulty down the back of his jacket. The alarm stops.

  Mervyn It’s all right, I’m all right, I … (aware of the wire that emanates from him) My God, what’s all this? What have you done to me? I’m coming apart.

  Corinna Oh, do be quiet.

  Mervyn Look at this. What have you done?

  Jerome I’m sorry, I was trying to switch you off.

  Mervyn Well, thank you so much. You’ve successfully unravelled my Italian thermal singlet. Thank you so very much.

  Corinna (back to Nan) Darling, let go. Darling, let go.

  Nan does not respond.

  Jerome, she’s taking no notice of me.

  Jerome No, that’s odd.

  Mervyn A hundred and forty-three pounds’ worth of imported garment here.

  Corinna Oh, do shut up about your precious vest.

  Nan kisses her on the cheek. Corinna leaps back.

  Get away! Get away!

  Jerome Darling, let go.

  Nan does not respond.

  No, I think Geain’s overridden her. It’s a safety thing. She won’t let go unless Geain lets go.

  Corinna Then, Geain, let go.

  Geain No.

  Mervyn All right, I’ll deal with this. I’m going downstairs and I’m going to fetch help. I’ll bring our friends up from the car. They’ll sort it out, don’t you worry.

  Mervyn goes off along the hall. In a moment, we see him go out of the flat on the video screen. He leaves the door open.

  Corinna Well, what are we going to do? Eh?

  Jerome There’s nothing we can do. If she won’t let go, she won’t let go.

  Corinna Geain, listen to me …

  Geain I’m not letting go.

  Corinna Why not?

  Geain I don’t want to.

  Corinna But. That’s a machine. You can’t stay with a machine, can you?

  Geain Why not?

  Corinna Because – because it’s a machine –

  Geain Dad did.

  Corinna Yes. Well, your father’s – Your father’s your father. But ordinary people … like us – we can’t stay – (She gives up.) Jerome, for God’s sake, tell her.

  Jerome (unconvincingly) Yes. Geain. You see, you can’t stay with a machine, can you –?

  Geain Why not?

  Jerome Because. Human beings are – better. They’re far superior to machines because …

  Geain Why …

  Jerome Because human beings are … they’re … (He pauses.)

  Corinna (impatiently) For God’s sake, Jerome! Tell her why they’re better –

  Jerome (desperately) I can’t think of a reason! Not a single one! I think she’s right.

  Corinna She’s not right. You are not right, Geain. And neither is he. Listen. In the past, your father and I, we have – we have both been selfish, we have been thoughtless and stupid and – human. But we have also been, in our time, warm and spontaneous and amusing and joyful and – loving. Which is something we can also be, because we are human. But which that machine can never be. You see?

  Geain seems to be still waiting to be convinced.

  What we are going to do now, the three of us – you, me and Jerome – we are going down to that car and we are driving home together. And we’re all going to start again. All of us. As of now. Isn’t that right, Jerome? Jerome?

  Jerome Right now? This minute?

  Corinna Yes.

  Jerome What about all this gear, I can’t just …?

  Corinna Jerome, get this straight. It is us – or your gear. It is this thing – (indicating Nan) – or us. Decide.

  A brief pause.

  Jerome Yes. OK.

  Corinna (irritably) Well, which is it to be?

  Jerome (moving to her) You. Of course, you.

  Corinna All right. Then, that’s it. Geain? Will you let go now? Are you coming with us?

  Geain (finally releasing Nan) OK.

  She moves to Corinna and Jerome. The three embrace.

  Corinna Thank God.

  Mervyn appears on the video screen hurrying back into the flat.

  Right. Change your clothes, we’ll get in the car.

  Geain Yeah.

  She is about to go off to fetch her clothes from the kitchen when Mervyn rushes in.

  Corinna It’s all right …

  Mervyn No, it is not all right. We are under siege.

  Jerome What?

  Mervyn Those Daughters – whatever they call themselves. They’re swarming all over the place outside. Our two are only just managing to hold them off. We have to leave now.

  Geain Rancid sows.

  Corinna Oh, dear Lord. Geain, come as you are. You haven’t got time to change now.

  A clang as a missile hits one of the shutters.

  Mervyn We do have to hurry.

  Corinna Tell them we’re coming, tell them we’re on our way.

  Mervyn Quick as you can.

  Another missile.

  Corinna Geain …

  Geain Right. (to Nan) Cheerio then. (to Jerome) Can Zoë say goodbye to me?

  Corinna Geain, do come on.

  Geain I want Zoë to say goodbye to me.

  Jerome Darling. Say goodbye to Geain.

  Nan Goodbye, Geain dear. See you soon. See you very soon. (She waves.) Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

  Geain Bye, Zoë. See you again.

  Corinna No, darling, you won’t be seeing her again, I’m afraid. Sorry about that. Goodbye.

  Nan stops waving. More missiles hit the shutters.

  All right. Jerome?

  Jerome I’m coming, I’ll just fetch a few …

  Geain Come on, Dad.

  Jerome Yes, I will. I promise. You go on.

  Corinna
They won’t wait.

  Corinna and Geain go out down the hall. We see them on the screen leaving the flat. The door remains open. The screen is left lit. Jerome goes off to the bedroom. Nan is left alone. In a moment, she moves and sits in the chair. A silence. Then, the same technician’s voice that we heard at the start emanates from somewhere within Nan. Her lips move vaguely in sync.

  Voice NAN 300F, series four, model 99148622G for Gertie. Function now completed. System final closedown – in two minutes. Safety count commencing at sixty seconds.

  Nan sits very still, swaying slightly as she sings softly to herself.

  Nan (sings)

  You’re not my first love …

  It would only be a lie if I pretended –

  In the past there have been others

  Who have slept between these covers

  But I promise

  Though you’re far too late in life to be my first love,

  You’ll be my last love.

  I swear to you, you’re gonna be my last love …

  As she sings, Jerome comes back with a hastily packed holdall. He gives Nan the merest of glances. Another missile hits the shutters. Jerome goes to the console. He seems to be deliberating what to take with him. He stands undecided. Corinna appears on the screen as she re-enters the flat. A moment later, she comes in from the hall.

  Corinna Jerome, what are you doing?

  Jerome Sorry, I was just –

  Corinna They’re swarming around out there. There’s dozens of them. They’re trying to get at Geain. I told her not to come dressed like that. Are you coming?

  Jerome Listen, when you –

  Corinna (impatient) What?

  Jerome When you said all that about us – restarting – was that just to get Geain to leave or –

  Corinna No, of course it wasn’t. I wouldn’t have said it for that.

  Jerome You sure?

  Corinna Yes.

  Jerome You want me back with you?

  Corinna Yes.

  Jerome Why?

  Corinna (desperately, at the end of her tether) Because we both love you, Jerome. God knows why, but we love you. Love, love, love! All right. Now, come on, please.

  Jerome I will. I’m coming. Go ahead. Tell them I’m on my way.