Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

Jill Right. Well, we can film him arriving, anyway. Get his reactions. If he has any. Keep a look out for Vic. (as she goes) You’re his agent, get him here.

  Kenny His manager …

  Jill hurries out through the garden gate,

  Jill (calling) George! Come on, get a move on. He’s coming! Come on, come on!

  As Jill goes, Trudy comes out from the house with a tray of coffee things.

  Trudy Is something happening?

  Kenny I think Mr Beechey’s arrived.

  Trudy (without enthusiasm) Oh. Good.

  Kenny What’s the matter? Nervous?

  Trudy Not at all.

  Kenny It was years ago. You weren’t even around.

  Trudy You know perfectly well how I feel about all this.

  Kenny All right.

  Trudy I blame you. You talked him into it. This programme.

  Kenny When have I ever talked Vic into anything? When has anyone? Come on. Don’t blame me. Be honest. Have you? Have you ever talked him into anything?

  Trudy doesn’t reply.

  (his point proved) Well, then.

  Trudy He said he’d be back by now. He’s forgotten. I bet that’s what’s happened. He always forgets what he doesn’t choose to remember.

  Kenny Sharon might have reminded him.

  Trudy (with ill-concealed dislike) Well, I think telling the time’s a bit beyond Sharon. I’d better fetch another cup. (She makes to leave.)

  Kenny Haven’t you got anyone to help you today?

  Trudy How do you mean?

  Kenny You know. To make the coffee? Fetch things out?

  Trudy Oh, yes. Marta’s here. Only by the time I’ve explained it to her, it’s quicker to do it myself. I mean, she can speak quite good English. I know she can. She always understands Vic. It’s just me. She doesn’t seem to understand me at all. It’s probably the way I talk, I don’t know …

  Trudy goes back into the house. Kenny wanders to the pool. He stoops and tests the water temperature with his hand. As he is doing this, Ruy, a man in his fifties, comes through the back gate with a pool rake. He ignores Kenny, as he ignores everyone, except on those rare occasions when Vic speaks to him.

  Kenny Good morning to you.

  Ruy totally ignores him. He starts to rake the surface of the pool. This activity soon takes him out of view.

  (sarcastically, in response to Ruy’s lack of response) Thank you. And the same to you. Lovely chatting to you. Now, you must excuse me interrupting but I have to get on. Not at all. And the same to you.

  Trudy enters from the house.

  Trudy (talking to someone following behind her) We’re just about to have coffee out here. If you’d care to join us …

  Trudy is followed by Douglas Beechey, a man in his early forties. He is, as Jill has hinted, quite staggeringly unimpressive on first acquaintance. He is, though, as with many of nature’s creatures, compensated for his apparent total lack of aggression by an almost complete invulnerability to attack by others. His clothes are quite unsuited to the climate.

  Douglas (as he approaches) Isn’t this glorious? Isn’t this simply glorious … (stopping in the doorway to survey the patio and pool) Oh, now. This is glorious.

  Trudy (unsure how to react) Thank you. May I introduce (indicating Kenny) – have you met my husband’s manager?

  Kenny (stepping towards them) How do you do?

  Trudy This is Kenneth Collins. Mr Beechey.

  Douglas Douglas Beechey. How do you do?

  Kenny Kenny Collins. Good to meet you.

  They shake hands.

  Douglas Isn’t this glorious? Isn’t this just glorious? May I – (He indicates the terrace.)

  Trudy (waving him in) Of course.

  Douglas (exploring the area) Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. (admiring the view from the garden gate) Oh. (investigating the pool) Oh. Look at this pool. Doesn’t that look inviting?

  Trudy You’re welcome to have a swim, any time.

  Douglas No, I don’t swim.

  Trudy No?

  Douglas No, no. Me and water, I’m afraid, we’ve never seen eye to eye. (calling to the unseen Ruy) Hallo. Good morning to you.

  Trudy I was just fetching another cup. Excuse me.

  Douglas Of course. May I help at all …?

  Trudy No, no. Wait there.

  Trudy goes back into the house.

  Douglas Well, I must say. Who could ask for anything more, eh?

  Kenny Yes.

  Douglas Glorious. Quite glorious. (indicating in Ruy’s direction) Who’s that? Is he one of the family?

  Kenny No, that’s the gardener.

  Douglas (impressed) Oh. The gardener. I see.

  Kenny Right.

  Douglas Very impressive. (looking around) All you need now is a garden, eh? (He laughs.)

  Kenny Well, I think he cleans the pool and – odd jobs, you know –

  Douglas Oh, yes, I’m sure. I was only joking. I expect this paving would need weeding to start with. I should imagine. I suppose they get weeds here, don’t they? Same as we do?

  Kenny I would imagine so.

  Douglas (calling to Ruy) Excuse me, I say … Do you get weeds? I say! Do you have weeds here?

  Kenny I don’t think he speaks much English.

  Douglas Oh. (calling) Gracias! (to Kenny) That’s the only bit of Spanish I know.

  Kenny Pretty impressive.

  Douglas I definitely don’t know the Spanish for weed killer, that’s for certain. (breathing in the air) Glorious! (Slight pause.)

  Kenny Good flight?

  Douglas Pardon?

  Kenny Good flight? Out here? On the aeroplane? Did you have a good one?

  Douglas Oh, glorious. I was with a very jolly crowd from Dagenham. Singing their heads off, all the way over.

  Kenny Oh, yes?

  Douglas When they weren’t playing practical jokes on the crew, that was. You had to laugh.

  Kenny Sounds fun.

  Douglas Couple of them dressed up as air hostesses. Couple of the men. Then it turned out we were all staying in the same hotel. So …

  Kenny That OK? The hotel?

  Douglas Very clean. And the windows open. That’s all I ever ask for in a hotel.

  Kenny (slightly baffled) Really?

  Douglas I need air to sleep, you see. Not that I stay in them very often. Oh, I’m savouring every minute of this, I can tell you. Free trip. Free meals. Free hotel. VIP treatment. And appearing on the television. You don’t get that every day, do you?

  Kenny You certainly don’t.

  Douglas Make the most of it, I say.

  Kenny I should.

  Douglas I see they were all out there to greet my arrival. The film crew. I got to know them all quite well. While they were sitting in our front room for four days. Good to see them again. All out there. Filming away. And dear old Jill, waving her arms about as usual. She doesn’t half go at them sometimes. Mind you, they take it all in very good part. They’re a very pleasant bunch. Very easy-going, I’ve found. Well, let’s put it this way, we certainly had a few good laughs while they were in Purley. (He has moved back to stand by the garden gate.) That’ll be the Mediterranean Sea? Down there? Right?

  Kenny The bit covered in water. Where the land stops.

  Douglas (surveying the view thoughtfully) The Med, eh? Well, well. That’s something else I can tell people I’ve seen.

  Trudy returns with the extra cup.

  Trudy Here we are.

  Douglas Well, I can’t say I’m not a tinge green, Mrs Parks. I must say, this is just perfection.

  Trudy Yes, we’re very – lucky.

  Kenny (anxious to correct any wrong impression) Mind you, you didn’t get it for nothing, did you? You’ve earned it.

  Douglas (anxious to do the same) Oh, yes.

  Trudy Well, Vic earned it.

  Kenny You both have.

  Trudy (smiling, unconvinced) It’s nice of you to say so.

  Douglas Behind every successful man, don’t they say?


  Trudy I’m afraid my husband’s still on the beach with the children. He should be back shortly.

  Douglas Oh, how many children have you?

  Trudy Two. Coffee, Mr Beechey?

  Douglas Thank you. Do call me Douglas, won’t you? Milk and three sugars, thank you.

  Trudy Kenny?

  Kenny Please. Usual. Black, no sugar.

  Douglas And how old are the children, Trudy – may I call you Trudy?

  Trudy Cindy is seven and Timmy is just five.

  Douglas Lovely. One of each, then?

  Trudy Yes.

  Douglas They must love it out here.

  Trudy Oh, yes, they do. (offering him coffee) Mr Beechey.

  Douglas Thank you. Douglas. Please. Call me Douglas.

  Slight pause, Kenny is served coffee.

  Kenny Thanks. Do you have children, Mr – Douglas?

  Douglas No. No. (A slight pause as if he might be going to say something else.) No.

  Kenny Ah.

  Douglas My wife was – Well, we made a joint decision not to have any. We decided we weren’t ideal parent material. Either of us.

  Kenny It’s a pity your wife couldn’t come with you.

  Douglas Oh, no. Nerys is not a traveller.

  Kenny No?

  Douglas I’m afraid this sort of trip would be quite beyond her.

  Kenny Oh. What a shame.

  Pause.

  Trudy She’s – She’s all right, is she? I mean, she’s not ill, your wife?

  Douglas Oh, no. She’s very chirpy.

  Kenny Oh, grand.

  Douglas At present. She has her ups and downs, of course.

  Trudy Don’t we all?

  Kenny Absolutely.

  Pause.

  Trudy You’ll appreciate that I’m Vic’s second wife. I wasn’t around when – when all that happened – I mean, Vic and I, we’ve only been married eight years.

  Douglas Yes, I did read he’d remarried. I read all about your romance. In his book.

  Trudy (not pleased) Did you?

  Douglas Sounded very romantic. Is that how it actually was? Did he really abduct you from the middle of a public car park in the back of a transit van?

  Trudy (reluctantly) Well, sort of, yes …

  Kenny Mind you, Trudy was standing around for some time waiting to be abducted, weren’t you?

  Douglas laughs. Another pause.

  Trudy No, what I’m saying is that – all that happened – all that – between you – happened while Vic was married to Donna, you see. I was not around then. I didn’t even know him. I was married to somebody else as well, as it happens. Only that didn’t work out.

  Douglas That would be your previous marriage to the dental mechanic?

  Trudy Yes …

  Kenny Oh, dear …

  Trudy (faintly irritated) No, what I’m saying is, I had nothing to do with that part of Vic’s life. If they want to know about that – for this programme – then they’ll have to ask Donna. Providing they can sober her up. By the time I met Vic that was all in the past. I wasn’t a part of it and I don’t really want to know about it. We’re all different people now. At least I hope we are. And I have to say that I don’t agree with this programme anyway. I don’t honestly think they should be doing it. I’m sorry. I’ve said it to Vic and I’ve said it to her. That Jill Rillington. And now I’m saying it to you. I’m sorry. I think it’s unnecessary. And hurtful. I think it’s raking over old ground and opening old wounds. I’m not at all surprised your wife isn’t here. If I were her, I certainly wouldn’t be here. Not after what she – Still. As I say, I’m an outsider. I wasn’t even around when it happened. And what Vic does is his own affair. But I am his wife and I think I might have been consulted. I’m also the mother of his children – though you wouldn’t think so sometimes, would you? (She is suddenly on the verge of crying.) Excuse me. I just have to fetch some – things …

  Trudy hurries into the house. Douglas rises, amazed. Kenny remains seated.

  Kenny (calling calmly after her) Trudy … love … (Silence.) She’ll be all right.

  Douglas Oh, dear. I had no idea she felt … I mean, I wouldn’t …

  Kenny She’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Things are just a bit (he gestures) – you know …

  Douglas How do you mean?

  Kenny Between them. Her and Vic.

  Douglas Oh …

  Kenny Just at the moment. Temporarily. Nothing at all, really. Vic’s a bit of a lad sometimes. I mean, I’ve known them both for ages. They’re terrific people. Both of them. I should know. It was me who introduced them.

  Douglas Did you really? That wasn’t in the book.

  Kenny Vic was just – getting going, you know, after – after his leave of absence – and he took me on – initially as his agent – and later on, as he got in greater demand, I became his personal manager. I got him his first weekly TV slot – regional, mind you – sort of local Crimewatch/Police Five sort of thing, you know – scare the old ladies off to bed type of show – and Trudy was a friend of the producer’s secretary or somesuch. And. Romance, romance.

  Douglas I hope this programme hasn’t created a tension between them.

  Kenny No, no, no … Why on earth should it? Nice plug for Vic. Nice holiday for you – as you say – all expenses paid. Who’s it hurting? I mean, your wife didn’t object, did she? And she has far more reason to than Trudy, hasn’t she? But your wife’s presumably perfectly happy for you to be here?

  Douglas Well, Nerys had initial objections, I have to say. And she certainly didn’t want to be any part of it herself. Although Jill Rillington did try very hard to persuade her to be interviewed. But Nerys said if I wanted to do it and Vic Parks wanted to do it, then who was she … I mean, the way Jill described the programme to me, I think it’s a very interesting idea, don’t you? What’s happened to us all since. Since …

  Kenny Oh, you bet …

  Douglas Take Vic, for instance. He has had the most amazing career, hasn’t he? Considering.

  Kenny Oh, incredible …

  Douglas I mean, from what he was then – to what he is now. He’s an example to us all, isn’t he?…

  Kenny He is.

  Douglas A remarkable man. You have to admire him. What he’s done. Particularly for the young people. And all that from nothing.

  Kenny Less than that really.

  Douglas Absolutely.

  Slight pause.

  Kenny I suppose quite a lot must have happened to you, as well? In, what is it, seventeen years? You must have seen some changes in your own life.

  Douglas One or two. (He reflects.) Not many really. I married Nerys, of course. And I changed my job. Well, I could hardly have continued at the bank.

  Kenny Memories too painful, were they?

  Douglas No, no. But people used to come in just to stare at me, you know. While we were trying to conduct bank business. And Mr Marsh – that was my manager at the time – he’s retired now to Bournemouth – he felt my presence was not conducive to normal, satisfactory banking practices and he offered to request a transfer for me to another district. But I couldn’t in all conscience leave Purley – I was born and bred there, you see – so I left the bank altogether. And then, hey presto, I was lucky enough to land a job straightaway with a local firm of double-glazing consultants, and I’ve been book-keeping for them ever since. Not an earth-shattering tale, perhaps, but one with a happy ending none the less.

  Kenny And a success story, too. In its own way.

  Douglas True. True. Nerys and I are both happy, anyway. That’s the main thing.

  Kenny And you’ve both got your health and strength.

  Douglas And we’ve both got our health and strength, precisely. Well, Nerys is sometimes … But it’s mostly in her mind. I’ve told her she looks fine. She really does. Her face is fine.

  Kenny Why, she’s not – is she – still disfigured, is she?

  Douglas Oh, no, no, no. All there is – if you look very caref
ully, she’s got the faintest traces of scar tissue, just around here (he indicates the side of his face) – but you really couldn’t tell, I promise. He did a marvellous job, that surgeon. One of the best of his day, he was – he’s dead now, alas. Died last year –

  Kenny Oh, sad …

  Douglas But if she wears the make-up, it’s undetectable. No one could tell.

  Kenny Fine, then …

  Douglas The trouble is, Nerys won’t always trouble with the make-up. She can’t always be bothered. So then she goes out to the shops and people start staring at her – or she imagines they’re staring at her anyway – I don’t honestly think, myself, they bother to give her a second look, if you want the truth, still … Then she comes home upset and she won’t go out of the house for months on end. I’ve said to her, Nerys, if you’d only wear the make-up, you wouldn’t have all this upset, would you?

  Kenny A lot of women wear make-up.

  Douglas They do. I’ve told her that.

  Kenny Most women wear make-up.

  Douglas Yes. I mean, this is a special make-up, it has to be said. It’s slightly thicker than normal. But it’s the same principle. It’s like I imagine they must wear on the television. Like dancers must wear. I expect.

  Kenny Right.

  Douglas I mean, if she was a man, I’d have understood her reluctance …

  Kenny Oh, yes. If you were a man you wouldn’t necessarily want to go strolling about in make-up, would you?

  Douglas Not in Purley you wouldn’t, certainly. But a woman.

  Jill comes on through the garden gate. She is evidently angry.

  Jill Sod them. They are useless. They are worse than useless.

  Douglas (rising) Hallo, Jill …

  Jill (grimly) Hallo, Mr Beechey. We may have to ask you to arrive all over again. We were just a little slow catching you first time around …

  Douglas Right-oh, Jill. Just say the word, (to Kenny) I’m getting rather expert at this filming. She had me walking in and out of our kitchen, must have been thirty-five times one day. (laughingly to Jill) It was about that, wasn’t it?

  Jill (unamused) At least thirty-five. Is this coffee?

  Kenny Help yourself. Trudy’s just – just … doing something or other.