Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Vic You like them, though?

  Douglas Oh, yes …

  Vic Look at them. Look at those two … I love kids. Do you know what I’d do to people who hurt kids?

  Douglas No.

  Vic I’d sit them, naked, astride barbed wire …

  Douglas (wincing slightly) Ah …

  Trudy (irritated by Marta’s presence behind her) Thank you, Marta, I can manage, thank you.

  Vic No, let her serve round. She’s waiting to serve round, Trudy …

  Trudy I can serve round.

  Vic No, let her. That’s her job. That’s what she’s paid for. We’re paying her to serve round. (to Marta) Go on. Serve round, you silly cow. Serve them round.

  Marta (a flashing smile) Yes, Mr Vic.

  Vic We’re paying her. We might as well use the bloody woman. Like buying a light bulb and sitting in the dark otherwise, isn’t it?

  Vic winks at Douglas. Douglas laughs rather more weakly. Trudy has poured out all the coffee and, during the next, Marta circulates with the tray, allowing the guests to serve themselves with cream and sugar.

  Anyway. (to Jill) You still haven’t told us, sweetheart, have you, what your grand plan of campaign is. We await your plan.

  Jill Well, I was trying to –

  Vic (about to light a cigar) Cigar, anyone? Cigar?

  They decline.

  Sorry, excuse me, carry on.

  Jill I thought that the three of us could do an initial three-handed interview this afternoon. Out here, if that’s OK –

  Vic What? You, me and him, you mean?

  Jill Right.

  Vic Right. Carry on.

  Jill I’d like to use that to discuss, principally, how both your lives have changed over seventeen years –

  Vic How long have you got? (He laughs.)

  Jill Well, it’ll have to be in general terms …

  Vic It’ll need to be …

  Trudy Excuse me, but why are you going back seventeen years? I mean, if you’re talking about Vic’s career, that only started eight years ago.

  Vic It started the day I met you, my love …

  Vic winks at Douglas again.

  Trudy (unamused) No, I mean it. Why are you wanting to go back seventeen years? I don’t see any reason to.

  Jill Because – (as if talking to a child) That’s the point of the programme, Trudy. That’s the name of the series, Their Paths Crossed. And seventeen years ago, that’s when their paths crossed. These two. Douglas and Vic.

  Trudy Yes, I know. I just don’t see why you have to go back through all that again. All that business in the bank – the trial –

  Jill We’re not. Not really –

  Vic We are certainly not. Let’s get that clear.

  Trudy (clearly upset) I don’t see any point in dragging all that up again. We’ve got the kids growing up. A new life. Why do you want to talk about it, for heaven’s sake …?

  Vic (sharply to her) Trudy! Listen, we’re not going to talk about it, all right? (Pause.) Look, I think, actually, Trudy, in this instance, is right. We don’t need to go back seventeen years, do we?

  Trudy No, we don’t.

  Vic It’s pointless. I mean, I was inside for the first nine, so what’s the point?

  Trudy There’s no point.

  Jill But seventeen years ago is when you met Mr Beechey. That’s when your paths crossed. As a result of which, his life changed, your life changed.

  Vic His life might have done. Mine didn’t. I just went back to prison. That was nothing new to me then, I can tell you …

  Jill Well, it certainly changed Mr Beechey’s life –

  Vic Well, do a programme about him, then. I don’t mind.

  Jill No, listen –

  Kenny Vic, I think what Jill’s saying is that that’s the point of the programme. I mean, unless you do trace back to when you both met –

  Vic No. Bugger it. I don’t want to go back that far. Trudy’s right. What’s the point?

  Trudy No point at all.

  Vic Anyway, it’s all in my book. If you want it, it’s all there in the book.

  Trudy It wouldn’t have been in that, either, if I’d had my way.

  Jill (trying to control her anger) Well, terrific. (Pause.) You’re not prepared to talk about the bank raid at all, then?

  Vic Sorry, no. It’s been done to death.

  Jill Not like this it hasn’t. (Pause. Jill can see her programme disappearing.) Not even in general detail?

  Vic What do you mean, in general detail?

  Jill I mean, just a general description of what happened. In very general terms. Look, I do appreciate that it isn’t easy for either of you –

  No one speaks.

  I don’t intend to go into any great lurid details. I was just planning to have both your voices speaking over a simple reconstruction – using posed actors in still pictures – I must stress that – I’m using stills, not even live action – I don’t want anything sensational – God forbid – it’s not a sensational slot, it can’t be, it’s scheduled for eight o’clock. That’s all there would be. Just your voices over still pictures. Telling it as you remembered it. (She stops and looks at them, awaiting response.) I mean, none of what I’m saying is exactly new, you know. I did say all this to you, Kenneth. Originally. Months ago. Last November. Didn’t I?

  Kenny (vaguely) Yes. I know, it’s just … Obviously, if Vic feels… (He tails off.)

  Vic (indicating Douglas) Does he want to talk about this? You want all this dragged up again, Doug?

  Douglas Well … I can see both points of view, really –

  Jill Listen, the bulk of the programme, 99.999 per cent of it – I promise – is about what happened afterwards. About how you became a TV personality with an umpteen-million viewing figure –

  Kenny Nine million.

  Vic (to Kenny) Are we down to nine? Since when are we down to nine?

  Kenny Only for last week.

  Vic Why?

  Kenny Motor show.

  Vic Oh.

  Jill (sensing a victory) I think one of the fascinating things is the way both your careers have reversed, in a sense. I mean, seventeen years ago, Mr Beechey here was a national hero. Just looking at these press cuttings … (She opens her folder.) One newspaper actually started the Beechey Awards – given annually to anyone having a go at criminals. Isn’t that right?

  Douglas Yes, they did. I presented them myself the first year. At the Grosvenor House. A very splendid do.

  Jill (rifling through the cuttings) ‘Get that Beechey spirit, Britain’ … ‘We will fight them on the Beecheys’ … ‘Beechey’s the boy for us’. (examining a press photograph) Who are all these women with you, incidentally?

  Douglas Do you know, I never really found out. They just turned up in a coach one morning. With the photographer. We all got very chilly, I recall. Especially them.

  Vic (examining the cutting) Dear, oh dear, (showing it to Trudy) Look at that … Disgraceful. (He tuts with mock horror.)

  Jill But, looking at all these press cuttings, I wonder who’d remember you now?

  Douglas Oh, no one at all, I shouldn’t think.

  Jill So heroes do get forgotten?

  Douglas I think ones like me do.

  Kenny (studying one of the cuttings) How long did they keep up these Beechey Awards?

  Douglas Oh, three years. Then the paper went on to something else. Raising money for the Olympic Games, I think.

  Jill Rather sad, don’t you think?

  Vic No, that’s life. Human nature. I mean, for the public, it’s on to the next, isn’t it? Has to be. Only natural.

  Jill Only this particular hero was eventually to be replaced by the very man he so gallantly risked his life having a go at in the first place. A man who had fired a shotgun into an innocent girl’s face –

  Trudy Listen, if we’re going to start on that –

  Vic (sharply) Trudy, sit down …

  Trudy sits. Silence.

  (quie
tly) Now that is an oversimplified statement and out of order, Jill. And you know it. Now, I’m prepared to do your interview – I’ve said I would, so I will – I’m prepared to do all I can to help you with your programme – but not if we’re going to have semi-libellous statements chucked about the place, all right?

  Jill I don’t see your objections. Everybody knows you shot her. As you say, it’s in your book. So what’s the mystery?

  Trudy Because we’re trying to forget it –

  Jill If he’s trying to forget it, why is he making money writing books about it?

  Kenny No, that’s totally unfair –

  Vic Ten per cent of all my royalties from that book are going to recognized children’s charities –

  Jill (riding over this) Why’s he got a kids’ programme on television and a chat show at weekends?

  Kenny Because, put at its simplest, Vic has a personality which the public at large warm to and want to watch –

  Jill They watch him because he used to be a bank robber. That’s why they watch him.

  Kenny That’s total and complete bollocks – excuse me – none of the kids who watch Vic have the faintest idea what he used to be –

  Jill Yes, they have –

  Kenny They weren’t even born –

  Jill Yes, they have because he tells them. Listen to me, kids, I went down the wrong street once and believe me, tangling with the law is strictly for mugs –

  Vic Now, hold on. Hold on. Be fair –

  Kenny Do you realize the number of kids this man has kept out of prison …?

  Jill I’ve no doubt he has –

  Kenny There have been surveys done amongst underprivileged kids –

  Jill I’m sure. I’m not saying Vic isn’t doing a wonderful job. He is. Of course he is. All I’m saying is – all I’m saying – (She hesitates.)

  Trudy (coolly) What exactly are you saying? Exactly?

  Jill All I’m saying is – isn’t it ironic that the hero is forgotten? And the villain has now become the hero. That’s all. And isn’t that a reflection of our time?

  Trudy Fascinating.

  Jill And whilst we’re saying it, isn’t it even more tragic that the person who lost most in all this – the victim herself – no one spares a thought for her at all. Except Douglas, of course.

  Trudy (muttering) I knew we’d get round to this …

  Vic If you think I didn’t spend nine years of my life thinking about that girl, then you don’t know me – that’s all I can say. I have woken in the night – (to Trudy) I still do occasionally – don’t I? In a sweat, wringing wet, still remembering it. So don’t you come at me with that one. I paid –

  Trudy Vic –

  Vic No, let me finish – I paid the full penalty as prescribed by the law for what I did. In full. Fourteen years less remission – nine years. And that to me has to mean a debt paid in full. Otherwise what more can a man do? Eh? Go on blaming himself? What’s the point of that?

  Trudy No point.

  Vic None. He has got to get up and do the very best with that which God has granted him to make amends with and try and put something back in the world, in the brief time left to him. And that is what, hand on heart, I have tried to do. Bear me out, Kenny, is that not what I have tried to do …?

  Kenny Absolutely, Vic.

  Vic Right. (to Jill) Jill, there is no use in going back over the past where no one is going to benefit. It’s not going to help me. (indicating Douglas) It’s not going to help him. And it’s certainly not going to help that poor bloody bitch who was injured – sorry, she’s your wife, mate, I shouldn’t refer to her like that … It’s not going to help her either …

  Trudy Not in the least.

  Kenny Absolutely not.

  Pause.

  Vic I mean, you talk about villains, you talk about heroes. But what is that? It’s very often a value judgement made by society, which has no basis in fact whatsoever. I mean, has it?

  Jill I don’t know. You tell me.

  Vic Well, I’m telling you. It hasn’t. I mean, take that instance. I’m cast as the villain, right? Because it just so happens that on that particular occasion it was me who happened to be the one who walked into the bank with a shotgun with the intention of robbing it. Another day, another time, another set of circumstances, it could have been someone else, couldn’t it? Could have been you. Could have been him. Now, I’m not pretending that what I did was a right course of action – But. But, let’s add these factors. I had no intention at any stage of using that firearm. It was on my previous record for all to see that I never used a firearm, I never condoned the use of firearms. I detest firearms. Even now – Well, we did a programme on firearms the other day, didn’t we, Kenny? Kenny here will vouch for me, I couldn’t even bring myself to pick one up, could I? And if you will care to check, and it is on record from sworn witnesses at the trial, the very first words I said when the three of us first came through those bank doors, my first words were: ‘All right. Don’t get excited and nobody’ll get injured.’ (to Douglas) You were there. Did I not say those exact words?

  Douglas Nobody’ll get hurt. Don’t get excited and nobody’ll get hurt, you said …

  Vic There you are. Would I have said that if I’d come in there to shoot somebody?

  Jill But the gun was loaded –

  Vic Well, yes, it was loaded. What’s the point of carrying an empty gun?

  Jill So you knew you might use it?

  Vic (sharply) I’ve said I had no intention of using it, all right? Is my word not good enough?

  A pause.

  Douglas The safety catch was off, though.

  Vic (irritably) What?

  Douglas I said, the safety catch was off. I remember the police saying so at the time.

  Vic Well, of course it was. Look, come on, be fair. You cannot walk into a bank with a gun and expect people to take you seriously if you’ve still got the safety on, can you?

  Jill Why not?

  Vic (angrily) Because people aren’t going to take much notice of you for a kick off, are they? All they’re going to say is, this geezer’s an idiot, he’s wandering round with his safety on …

  Jill Most people would never know the difference, would they? I wouldn’t know if a safety catch was on or off.

  Vic Maybe you wouldn’t. But some people would, that’s all I’m saying …

  Jill You mean other bank robbers?

  Vic Look, there’s plenty of people besides bank robbers who use shotguns, you know. I mean, a lot of people use shotguns. People working in the bank, they probably use shotguns –

  Jill What, in the bank?

  Vic At the weekend. They probably use shotguns.

  Jill Do you use one?

  Douglas No, I never use shotguns.

  Vic Not him. I’m not talking about him. I mean, the managers. As a matter of fact, I think my manager shoots. (to Kenny) David shoots, doesn’t he? David?

  Kenny No, I think he water-skis.

  Vic No. Well, there are some. Take my word for it. Anyway, the point I am making is, responsible as I may have been – and I’ve never denied that – for carrying a gun into that place (indicating Douglas), if this one hadn’t come at me – if this six-and-a-half-stone boy-scout bank clerk hadn’t come charging at me from the length of the bank – I would never have fired –

  Jill You’re not saying it was Mr Beechey’s fault, are you?

  Vic No. I’m not saying that. But if he hadn’t been a hero, if he hadn’t grabbed me, the gun would never have gone off accidentally and this girl would never have got hurt. I mean, as it was, he was clinging on – I was shouting – ‘Be careful, it’ll go off, it’ll go off’ – and I could see, you know, this girl was in the firing line –

  Jill She was the one you’d been holding as a hostage?

  Vic Yes, originally. But I’d released her in order to wrestle with him. As soon as I appreciated the danger, I let her go. I could see, though, as he and I were struggling, that the gun w
as twisting round towards her – (to Douglas) You had your back to her, so you couldn’t have seen – and I was trying, you know, to pull it back away from her – and then, before I can do anything to stop it, bang – Right in the side of her face. It was a miracle, with the gun that close, she didn’t lose an eye. A miracle. I thank God for that, at least.

  A respectful pause.

  Douglas She did lose her ear, though.

  Vic Well, yes. Still. An ear’s not the same as eye, is it?

  Kenny I suppose she could grow her hair …

  Douglas Yes, she did.

  Vic She’s all right now, then, is she?

  Douglas Oh, yes. She’s pretty chirpy. Has her ups and downs, of course.

  Trudy Like most of us.

  Vic Lovely girl.

  Douglas Yes, she was.

  Kenny Lucky man.

  Douglas Yes, she was beautiful.

  Jill She still is. From what I saw of her, anyway.

  Vic She’s not in the film?

  Jill No.

  Douglas I think she’d have found it difficult –

  Vic Oh, yes.

  Jill And, anyway, as I keep saying, this programme is really about you two. Not her at all. I don’t want it to be macabre or morbid or cause a lot of unnecessary pain – I mean, frankly, I’m not into that sort of programme, I’m sorry. I mean, I know some people make careers out of it, we’ve all seen them, they love to have the camera lingering over people crying and obviously in terrible distress, but I’m sorry, I find that simply gratuitous and tasteless. That’s not what I’m here to do. And if that means I’m into old-fashioned programme values, then you’ll have to forgive me.

  Vic Hear! Hear! You and me both, baby. (Pause.) So is that it, then? Are we excused? Only I think I fancy a swim.

  Trudy Just a minute. Have you agreed to talk about the robbery or not?

  Jill Only very, very, very briefly. I need to a little, just to establish the programme.

  Trudy Well, it had better be briefly.

  Vic It’ll be brief, don’t worry. It’s old news, anyway. Who’s interested? (indicating Douglas) He doesn’t want it dragged up, I don’t want it dragged up. His wife certainly doesn’t. So that’s the end of it. You fancy a swim, Doug?

  Douglas Er, no …