Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Trudy (in a little voice) I’m sorry, (then, pulling herself together) There’s nothing we can do for you, then? Vic and I? Nothing?

  Douglas Do?

  Trudy Well, to help in any way… Money or …

  Douglas (rather embarrassed) Oh, no.

  Trudy (equally embarrassed) Sorry. I didn’t mean to –

  Douglas No, no …

  Trudy It’s just so rare to meet someone who doesn’t want something from us these days … I suppose that’s called being successful. Or is because it’s us who are offering? Is that why you’re saying you don’t want anything?

  Douglas No, it’s not that. I just don’t think there is anything. Thank you very much. Well, I think I must away down the hill to my own hotel. They’ll be serving dinner soon …

  Trudy You’re welcome to stop and have supper with us if you –

  Douglas No, that’s very kind of you, but you’ll see quite enough of me again tomorrow.

  Trudy Well, wait there a second, I’ll fetch the keys and run you back –

  Douglas No, please.

  Trudy It’s no trouble –

  Douglas I’d rather walk, I really would. Really. I don’t get the chance to walk around islands that much.

  Trudy (reluctantly) Well…

  Douglas Thank you for all your hospitality today. You’ve been very kind. You really have. (He starts to move back towards the gate.) Straight down the hill, I take it?

  Trudy Yes. Only when you get to the fork that leads to the sea – the one we took – go right instead of left.

  Douglas Simple enough. Well. See you tomorrow, Trudy.

  Trudy Goodnight, Douglas.

  Douglas (turning in the gateway) Er… (smiling) There’s one thing I wouldn’t have minded, I suppose. Not that you could have given it to me. But since you mentioned wanting things …

  Trudy What’s that? Anything we –

  Douglas No, I was just thinking. I was a hero, I suppose, for all of a year. People wrote to me. Sent for my photograph. Asked my advice. Listened to what I had to say. I think it would have been nice to have been a hero for a bit longer …

  Trudy You still are –

  Douglas … silly. I’d probably never have missed it, only…

  Trudy – to people like Nerys you are. And I bet there are others who still remember …

  Douglas No, I think I’m best remembered now as the idiot who tackled an armed robber and nearly got someone’s head blown off in the process. I think you ended up with the hero, Trudy, not poor old Nerys. You stick with him. You stick with Vic. If you’re looking for heroes. See you in the morning.

  Douglas goes out through the gate. Trudy stares after him.

  Trudy (faintly) Yes …

  She gets up to go into the house. Then decides that, if she’s going to cry, she’d better cry out here. She sits down again in the shadows. She hugs herself and starts to weep quietly and privately.

  In a little while, there is a faint slapping sound from the direction of the swimming pool. Trudy becomes aware of this and stops crying to listen. Sharon appears, walking along the side of the swimming pool towards the deep end. She has on her black wetsuit, rubber helmet and flippers. She carries a weighted diving belt. She is also crying. In fact, she is in a desperate, heartbroken state. She stops at the end of the swimming pool, a tragi-comic, fat, black, rubber-clad figure.

  Trudy watches her, astonished. Sharon, unaware she is being watched, looks towards the house and starts to fasten the diving belt about her waist.

  (cautiously) Sharon? Sharon … What are you doing there?

  Sharon (between sobs) Mrs Parks …

  Trudy What are you doing, Sharon?

  Sharon I’m going to kill myself, Mrs Parks.

  Trudy (moving to her, alarmed) You are going to what?

  Sharon I’m sorry, Mrs Parks. I love him so much, and he doesn’t care about me at all.

  Trudy Sharon …

  Sharon (as in one breath) He just says I’m fat and I’ve got to get thin and I’ve tried to get thin but I can’t get thin whatever I do because when he says he doesn’t love me I just keep eating because I’m so unhappy you see and then when I eat then I just get fatter you see and then he doesn’t love me … and I love him so much, Mrs Parks, and I’m ever so sorry …

  Trudy Yes … I’m sorry, Sharon … I know how it is, believe me I do …

  Sharon No, you don’t – you can’t…

  Trudy Yes, I do. I promise, Sharon, I do …

  Sharon Nobody knows –

  During the next, the music from the house stops as the record comes to an end.

  Trudy Sharon, it’s a passing thing, I promise. It’s something we all go through. Most of us, God help us. It’ll pass …

  Sharon No, it won’t pass. I’ve loved Vic for years …

  Trudy Years? What do you mean, years? You’ve only been with us two months …

  Sharon I seen him on the telly. I used to watch him on the telly and I used to write to him on Ask Vic and he used to write back to me, he did, I promise …

  Trudy Sharon, he gets thousands of letters a week. He doesn’t even read them, let alone write back …

  Sharon He did, he wrote to me and it was in his writing. And he used to tell us on the telly if we had problems how to deal with them and not to worry and then when I got this job working for him I just thought it was going to be so wonderful and he’s just been horrible to me … I don’t know what I’ve done … What have I done wrong, Mrs Parks?

  During the next, Vic comes out of the house and listens, unnoticed.

  Trudy (fiercely) The only thing you did wrong, Sharon … the one and only thing you ever did wrong was to love him in the first place … Because he is not a man to love, Sharon, I promise you. Not if you can possibly avoid it. I speak as one who has tried for eight years, Sharon, to keep loving him. While that bastard has abused me and ignored me and taken me for granted – while he has been screwing his way round Television Centre and half of ITV – I have looked after his kids and his house and his bloody, bad-tempered old mother in Beckenham … And I have tried to keep loving him … I swear to God I have tried. And if you are honestly clinging on to life in the hope of getting one tiny scrap of care or consideration back from that self-centred, selfish – scum bucket – then all I can say is, you’d better jump in there now, Sharon, and cut your losses.

  Sharon, understandably, is a little bemused by this outburst. She stands indecisively. Vic steps out further on to the patio. Both women see him for the first time.

  Vic Well, well. You know what they say. You never hear good about yourself, do you?

  Trudy Tell her, Vic. Talk to the girl, for God’s sake.

  Vic Tell her what?

  Trudy I just caught her trying to drown herself …

  Vic (amused) What?

  Trudy Vic, talk to her…

  Vic What do you want to drown yourself for, Sharon?

  Trudy What do you think …?

  Vic I have no idea. I have no idea why this great big girl should want to drown herself …

  Sharon sobs and finishes fastening her belt.

  Trudy Vic …

  Vic Why? Just tell me?

  Trudy Because of what you’ve said to her. Done to her.

  Vic What?

  Trudy Whatever you said – whatever you did. I don’t know. I don’t want to know …

  Vic I’ve never laid a finger on her, have I? Sharon, tell her, I’ve never laid a finger on you … Have I? Eh?

  Sharon (unhappily) No, Mr Parks …

  Vic There you are. No. She confirms that …

  Trudy (shouting) You know bloody well what you’ve done to her, Vic, now do something about it …

  Vic Right, that’s it, forget it. I am not being shouted at. Let her jump …

  He turns to move into the house. Sharon prepares to jump into the pool.

  Trudy (yelling) Vic …

  Vic (furiously) Let the stupid cow drown herself, what do I c
are? Go on. Jump, jump, jump then …

  Sharon jumps into the pool. Weighted down by her diver’s belt, she sinks rapidly under the dark water and vanishes in a trail of bubbles.

  Trudy (screaming) SHARON!

  Vic (surprised Sharon has done it) Bloody hell!

  Vic moves towards the pool.

  Trudy Vic, get her out. Dive in and get her out, for God’s sake …

  Vic I’m not diving in there. Not in these clothes.

  Trudy Vic, the girl is drowning.

  Vic She’s not drowning. She can stay under for hours. She’s built like a bathyscope …

  Trudy Are you going in to get her, or not?

  Vic You dive in.

  Trudy I can’t get her out, she’s far too big for me, she’s enormous, Vic …

  Vic We could sprinkle rum babas on the surface, that’ll bring her up …

  Trudy You bastard … (desperately) Oh, dear God. (running to the gate and yelling) Douglas! Douglas! He’s gone …

  Vic (peering into the pool, meanwhile) Sharon! I can see you down there, Sharon.

  Trudy (running to the house and calling) Kenny! Kenny, come out here, please!

  Vic Kenny went down to the shop – we were running out of vino …

  Trudy If she dies, Vic. If that girl dies …

  Vic Nobody would miss her except the national union of bakers …

  Trudy (running at him in fury) You … God, I hate you! I really so hate you! (She attacks him with both her fists.)

  Vic (amused and fending her off easily) Hey, hey, hey!

  Trudy (beating at him) I’d so love to … hurt you … like you … hurt … other people, sometimes …

  She lands a blow that Vic doesn’t care for. He takes her a little more seriously.

  Vic Oi! Now, Trudy! That’s enough. You’ve had your fun …

  He starts to pinion her arms to protect himself. Trudy continues to fight and Vic is forced to turn her away from him and grab her neck in the crook of his arm in a traditional headhold whilst pinioning her arms with his other hand. Trudy is finally incapacitated. She remains there, exhausted and infuriated by her impotence against his superior strength.

  Barely have they finished struggling when Douglas runs back into the garden through the gate. He is halfway to the house before he sees Vic and Trudy.

  Douglas (as he enters) What’s the problem? I – (He stops and stares at them in amazement.)

  Trudy (weakly, choking in Vic’s grip) Douglas … please!

  Vic (calmly) Now, it’s all right. Don’t get excited and nobody’ll get hurt, all right?

  Douglas reacts like a charger on hearing the bugle call. He gives a sudden wild yell of fury and rushes at Vic head down.

  Douglas Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!

  Vic (startled) Jesus!

  Vic pushes Trudy to one side in order to defend himself – not for the first time in his life – from Douglas’s sudden wild onslaught. Douglas catches Vic in the midriff. Trudy screams. Vic grunts with pain, winded. Both men lose their balance. Vic topples into the pool. Douglas is left kneeling on the edge, slightly winded himself.

  Trudy Douglas? Are you all right?

  Douglas Yes, I … I’m … I’m sorry, I … Where’s Vic?

  Trudy He’s in the …

  As she starts to speak, Vic’s hand grips the edge of the pool. He hauls himself up. He looks very dangerous.

  Vic (breathless) Right. There is about to be some serious damage done. I can tell you … (pointing at Douglas and Trudy in turn) To you. And to you. All right?

  Douglas and Trudy draw back, nervously. Vic seems about to climb out of the pool.

  Suddenly the waters part and a large black shape, barely recognizable as Sharon, breaks surface and seizes hold of Vic around the neck from behind.

  As soon as I’ve … Uurrgghhh!

  He is dragged under the water by Sharon’s sheer weight.

  Douglas (genuinely alarmed) Oh, my goodness, what is it, a whale?

  Trudy No, it’s Sharon …

  There is a great deal of frenzied threshing about under the water. Rather like an old Johnny Weissmuller film. Trudy and Douglas watch, unable to do much else.

  Trudy (during this, vainly) Sharon … Vic …

  Douglas (likewise) Vic … Sharon …

  The waters finally still. Sharon comes up for air and props herself against the side of the pool, breathlessly and strangely happy. Trudy and Douglas approach her cautiously.

  Trudy Sharon …?

  Douglas Sharon …?

  Trudy Are you all right?

  Sharon (gathering enough breath to speak) Yes, thank you, Mrs Parks …

  Douglas (trying to calm her desperate breathing) Easy. Easy now …

  Trudy (A sudden thought) Sharon, where is Mr Parks?

  Sharon (apologetically) I’m standing on him, Mrs Parks.

  Trudy and Douglas react with alarm.

  Douglas Sharon, for goodness’ sake …

  Trudy (with Douglas) For God’s sake, get off him …

  Together, they start to haul Sharon out of the water.

  Sharon (as they do so) I’m very sorry, Mrs Parks …

  Trudy All right, Sharon, all right. Out you come now.

  They land her on the poolside like a large, beached mammal. Vic floats to the surface. Unconscious or worse. Sharon lies panting while Trudy and Douglas pull Vic from the water.

  (to Douglas) Turn him over, we must get the water out of him …

  Douglas Right.

  They turn Vic over.

  Sharon (as they do so) Can I give him the kiss of life, Mrs Parks …?

  Trudy No, you can’t, Sharon. Stay there, please.

  She and Douglas try to work on Vic rather ineffectually.

  I don’t know what you do. I think you have to pump his ribs somehow …

  Douglas I’m afraid I don’t really have much of an idea Me and water, you know …

  Sharon (heaving herself up) Here, let me …

  Trudy No, Sharon, I’d rather you …

  Sharon It’s all right, Mrs Parks, I’ve got my life-saver’s medal.

  Trudy (rather surprised) You have?

  Sharon In the Huddersfield baths. Here, let me …

  Sharon takes over from Trudy and Douglas. She sits astride Vic and pumps away vigorously. Trudy and Douglas watch her anxiously.

  Trudy Anything …?

  Sharon No, I don’t think he’s … He’s not responding.

  Trudy Oh, God.

  Sharon Hang on.

  She rolls Vic over and tries the kiss of life a couple of times. There is no response.

  Trudy (anxiously) No?

  Sharon No. I’m sorry, Mrs Parks, I … (starting to cry as the realization finally hits her) I’m sorry, I’m ever so sorry … (She kneels weeping again. A silence.)

  Trudy I don’t know what we’re going to do. I don’t know.

  Silence.

  What are we going to do?

  Douglas I suppose we’ll have to report it. To the police, won’t we?

  Trudy If we report it, we’ll have to tell them everything. We’ll have to tell them it was Sharon. We can’t have Sharon blamed for this …

  Sharon (tearfully) I didn’t mean to, Mrs Parks …

  Trudy (comforting her) It’s all right, Sharon, it’s all right. (She considers.) OK, I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. We’re all going to have to tell the same story, all right? Douglas?

  Douglas Yes?

  Trudy Sharon? Are you listening to me?

  Sharon Yes, Mrs Parks.

  Trudy We’re going to have to say this. Vic was very drunk – that’s true, anyway – and he came out here on his own and must have decided to take a swim. And, Sharon, you were upstairs and you heard the splash and you rushed downstairs and called for help – only Kenny wasn’t in –

  Douglas What about the couple? You know, the Spanish couple? Do they live in?

  Trudy Yes, but they’ll be watching television, they’d never have he
ard … And then you came out here, Sharon, you see …?

  Sharon Yes …

  Trudy And you found Mr Parks floating unconscious in the water –

  Douglas In all his clothes?

  Trudy Yes. Good point. We’d better take some of those off him …

  Sharon (starting at once) Right …

  Trudy No, let me finish. And then you dived in, Sharon –

  Sharon Was I wearing my wetsuit?

  Trudy No. Well done. You’d better take that off, too.

  Sharon What, now?

  Trudy Yes.

  Sharon (softly) I’ve got nothing underneath, Mrs Parks.

  Trudy (angrily) Sharon, we are talking about murder. If you are going to worry about being done for indecent exposure …

  Sharon (starting) Yes, Mrs Parks … (She begins to unfasten her belt.)

  Trudy No, let me finish first. And then, finally, Douglas and I came back from our walk in time to find you trying to revive Vic. But to no avail. How does that sound?

  Sharon Brilliant.

  Trudy (to Douglas) All right?

  Douglas (obviously unhappy) Yes. I don’t see an alternative, really, but –

  Trudy (taking this as agreement) Sharon, strip off. Douglas, help me with Vic … Quick as you can, everyone.

  The three work in silence, concentrating on their tasks. Sharon takes off her belt, then her hood and flippers. Douglas and Trudy start to undress Vic with difficulty, removing his jacket, shirt, shoes and socks. As they are doing this, they are unaware of the audience that starts to assemble. Through the back gate, Kenny enters. He has the jeep keys, having just returned from the shops. He carries a couple of loose bottles of wine. Behind him comes Ruy, who carries the bulk of their purchase, namely a full case of wine. They stop and watch the proceedings with horrified fascination. Soon after, Marta comes out from the house with a tray, looking for stray dirty glasses. She stops, likewise, to watch suspiciously. Sharon is about to do the final lap of her striptease and remove her wetsuit. She is on the point of doing this when she becomes aware of their audience. She freezes, open-mouthed, staring. Trudy and Douglas take a second or so longer to realize. They are on the point of removing Vic’s trousers.