Love's Ineligible Receiver

by Love Belvin

  I would have responded but my attention was fastened to her ass as she bent at the waist to pull the pizza out of the oven. That reminded of why I couldn’t resist the doctor’s challenge.

  “Do Wright’s kids live in the neighborhood?”

  She went for the cabinet to grab plates. “No. The closest one lives about twenty-five minutes away and the furthest is in New York City.”

  “They come through a lot to see him?”

  “The last time Junior was here was Christmas. And his daughter, Sherry…” She froze to think about it. “Maybe the first week of January. I haven’t seen Junior’s twin since just before Thanksgiving when he was visiting a friend in the area.” She shrugged and began fixing our plates.

  This started feeling familiar. It was the third day in a row I sat in this same seat and watched her do this very thing.

  “So who helps you?”

  With her back to me, she shrugged. “We’ve been blessed with flexible nursing care. It’s been a battle with the insurance company, but they do cover in-home care by a licensed nurse for up to ten hours a day. They only allow about forty hours a week, though.”

  “How do you work then?”

  “I only work the front office three days a week. I’m a floater.”

  “What’s that?” I asked as she sat my plate in front of me.

  “I’m basically assigned wherever help is needed on the days I work.” While going for another cabinet door, she asked, “Tea or water?”

  “Don’t matter.” I stood for the sink to wash my hands.

  After pouring us both tea, she sat down with her food. I joined her soon after and watched her pray in silence. Out of respect, I waited until she was done to start.

  “Mmmmmmm!” Her eyes went wild and looked sincerely appreciative. “Shrimp pizza.”

  “Shrimp scampi,” I made clear.

  I watched her take her first bite. “Mmmmm…” she moaned again and I had to force myself to start even though I wanted to know what she thought of it. She licked her thumb with her eyes toward the ceiling. “Fresh parsley and cherry tomatoes.”

  I don’t know why my dumb ass smiled as I nodded.

  “It’s my favorite pizza. Can’t have it when I’m training. I figured I’d treat you to my goodies for once.”

  Her eyes blew the hell up. I guessed that was a bad joke; one with reaching arms.

  “Where’s it from?” Her blinking eyes were to her plate.

  “DiFillippo’s.”

  “Sounds familiar. One around here?”

  “I don’t think they have one in Connecticut yet.”

  With closed lips, her jaw dropped again. I was beginning to get used to that expression from her.

  “Where did this food come from?”

  “I had my peoples bring it up from New York City about an hour ago.”

  “You ordered take out from New York City?”

  I had to laugh, but it was a nervous one. “They ‘on’t exactly make this for takeout. They ain’t that type of spot, really.”

  Her eyes bounced around as her cheeks were packed with food. She was processing what I’d said, but I wanted to get off the subject. It was really no big deal. I figured it was the least I could do.

  “I’m glad you like it.”

  It looked as though she was frowning when she chirped, “I do. A lot. Thank you.”

  “Ain’t nothing.” I cleared my throat. “Don’t one of his sons work for the Kings?”

  “Whose?”

  “Wright’s.”

  “Oh!” Parker shook off whatever haze she was in then reached for her glass and took a long sip. “Junior—well, James. Yes.”

  “And he don’t help out?”

  She shook her head and took another bite. As she chewed, I kept eating.

  “Help out? I wouldn’t call it that. He’s over Jimmy’s estate and makes sure his bills are paid, and I guess, I’m still here taking care of him.” She shrugged and rolled her eyes.

  That told me there was beef. Even though I still struggled to find how she was coming up off this, I didn’t think it was cool for me to push the idea.

  We finished eating without much more talking. I couldn’t find the words to get the information—or confirmation—I needed about her benefitting in some way from doing all of this. But eventually, I had to go. There was a conference call I had to jump on with my partner, Jeremy. One he made sure I understood I couldn’t get out of.

  When she walked me to the door, I stepped out and turned to her.

  “You ‘on’t seem as cranky as last night.” I didn’t know why I had to share that observation with her, but it felt easy to.

  She chuckled. “That’s because I worked the front office today. Believe it or not, my most exhausting days are the ones I’m here with him all day. There’s always something to do.”

  I nodded, mind still going. Then something hit me.

  “Three days a week at ten hours a day don’t take up that forty-hour allowance a week the insurance company allows.”

  The smile she gave was…cute. It was shy and soft as her eyes rolled playfully and she could hardly look me in the face.

  “I have a few on reserve. Let’s say I’m banking them.”

  “For what?”

  She shrugged, still beaming. “I can’t really say why. I mean, I could, but it would sound silly.”

  After a few beats, I encouraged her. “Try me.”

  Her shoulders lifted again, attention somewhere across the street. “For when I get a life, I guess.”

  “Like what? A man?”

  That’s when Parker’s eyes were on me again, her glow dimmed. “Thanks for the fancy pizza, Rutledge Kadar Amare.”

  Yeah. She was being a hard ass again, but her tone was gentle and sweet, and eyes soft as she closed the door.

  “Like what?” My eyes brushed over Jimmy’s frail body. He’d had a rough day and was tired. “An infection?”

  Her head swung to the side, unimpressed with my guess. “Possibly granulation tissue, which are the developments of bumps. Those would have to be surgically removed before decannulation.”

  “But he hasn’t been on the tracheostomy tube all that long.” I didn’t understand.

  She swung her hand dismissively but with tact. “We don’t know yet, Parker. When you take him to the doctor in the morning, we’ll know more.” Nurse Jackie finished packing up her stethoscope and placed it into her bag. Her shift had come to an end. “You’re doing a great job with keeping the area clean and dry. If I didn’t know that piece, I’d be panicking. It may not be an infection at all. Maybe a few simple adjustments need to be made, but we’re less than twenty-four hours from learning more.” She tried to end it on a sweet smile.

  Dry, hot air pushed from my lungs as I glanced back over to Jimmy. I didn’t want him to consume my anxious energy.

  I swallowed back my butting emotions. “I’ll walk you out, Jackie.”

  Quietly, I led her out of his room, wanting to hurry and return. I needed to make sure he was relaxed. This was the part I hated most about this journey we’d been on. There were too many unknowns and unexpected glitches along the way. I understood ALS was a progressive disease—God, I couldn’t sleep nights worrying about what I’d wake up to—but the small nuances of new problems, popping up suddenly.

  The doorbell rang midway there. Without much thought, I had a confident guess who was on the other side.

  “Excuse me,” I murmured, getting ahead of her.

  When I pulled the door open, my eyes raked up. When they made it to his naturally thick lidded eyes my lungs expanded, taking in more air than I’d intended. Rut was big. Colossal. Oh, so robust. And I happened to know all that mass of muscle was agile too. The sight of him in sweat shorts, a long sleeve shirt, and shower shoes increased my exasperated state, but his presence neither surprised or annoyed me.

  “Hey, Rut.”

  Uneasily, he let out a breath, too. “Whaddup, P?”

  I moved b
ack, welcoming him in. “There’s leftovers in there. If you could, wash your hands and get it started?”

  His head dipped to greet Nurse Jackie then again to confirm my invitation. When Rut strode off for the kitchen, he left a trail of masculine fragrance behind him.

  Heavenly…

  I turned to finish seeing the nurse out, only she had her eyes glued to Rut’s glutes.

  “Nurse Jackie?” I extended my arm out the door.

  “Oh!” She jumped into moving as she giggled. When outside, she turned to me. “I know who he is. I follow the Kings’ nation.” Her shoulders lifted in merriment and cheeks shaded pink. “I’m so happy for you, Parker.”

  My face opened in understanding. “Oh, him?” I shook my head. “Oh, no! Just…” I couldn’t stop rocking my head side to side. “It’s not that type of party: trust me. He’s…” I couldn’t find the words and realized nothing I said could explain an appropriate picture.

  Jackie nodded, face red and cheeks stretched a mile wide from east to west.

  “Enjoy your weekend, Nurse Jackie.”

  “See you Monday!” She tittered shyly, turning to skip down the stairs.

  After closing the door, I took a deep breath. My head dropped and I rolled it on the base of my neck to loosen the tension I began feeling there. I could do this. I could do this.

  I turned for Jimmy’s room and found him dozing.

  “Hey there, Boulder.” I measured the faux excitement in my voice as I took to the foot of his bed. He used to get a kick out of hearing me refer to him by his field moniker, James “The Boulder” Wright. His raccoon eyes opened a fraction more. “It’s been a rough day. I’m sure you took on bigger and badder opponents even in your prime. You’re a boulder, man.” I laughed quietly. “A few months ago, when I was cleaning your closet in the master bedroom, I found an old photo album. There was this one picture of you in a three-point stance, and there was this kid three times your size in your view. The next picture was the big kid stretched out on the ground with you over him.” I laughed at the visual.

  Jimmy’s heavy eyes followed me, but I knew it was rest he needed. I dug beneath the mountains of beddings I kept on him and found his feet. They were cold, per usual, but after a few minutes of rubbing they began to warm. I stayed in there for countless minutes, attempting to neutralize the energy I brought on by my panicking earlier.

  Pastor Carmichael had been teaching us more about energy. I streamed RSfALC’s Bible study last night after Rut left and watched as he taught on changing the course of our destiny by controlling our tongues.

  “Your mouth is the co-captain of your destiny,” he rasped. “Your heart has the other wheel.”

  In my heart, I wanted Jimmy to be at peace at all times. I had to control the words I spoke to give life to my desire. At some point, I snapped out of my trance and realized Jimmy had dozed off. I was happy. Knowing he’d likely be out for a while, I decided to leave him to it. Nurse Jackie fed him before the end of her shift, so I knew I’d have quite some time before he needed anything else.

  I left for upstairs to change out of my work clothes. It was Friday, the end of a work week, but my weeks had no relief. It was just a cycle of yesterday’s fears turning into tomorrow’s promises. As I pulled a clean tee over my head, a jolt of excitement bolted through me at the remembrance of having company downstairs. I hardly had guests that were not attached to Jimmy. It was either his nurses, old buddies, or on rare occasion, his children.

  When I walked into the kitchen, I didn’t look his way as I headed to the sink.

  “This marks five days in a row. Your therapist pushing you to make it to six?”

  Rut sighed, stretched his long legs out in front of him. If I wasn’t careful, I could trip over him. “Nah. Haven’t seen her since Wednesday. Won’t go back until next week.”

  “Thanks for the groceries, by the way.” Well after he’d left the night we had fancy pizza, I saw he brought over drinks, fruits, and a few pounds of halibut fish. “What made you choose halibut?”

  I ripped off two pieces of paper towels to dry my hands before turning to him.

  “It’s my favorite,” he yawned, looking puckered himself.

  “Oh.” I went back to the cabinets and pulled out plates. I saw Rut had warmed the food, so all I had to do was serve us. “Well, thanks again. I would have called or texted, but…”

  “You don’t have my number.” He grunted, sitting up and now looking at me.

  “No. I don’t.” My eyes fluttered in embarrassment. “And that’s fine,” I declared, not wanting him to think it was a subliminal request because it was not.

  “‘S’all good.” I sat his plate in front of him. “I hope you enjoy it. Thought it wouldn’t hurt to try and put you on seeing you go light on the pork and beef.”

  After praying, I forked the first of my food. “I’m trying to work myself up to becoming pescatarian. Maybe by the end of the year.”

  “That’s what’s up. As long as you don’t put pig on my plate, it’s all good.”

  “You eat beef?”

  He finished chewing and swallowed. “Not in about three years.”

  “So you won’t be hanging out at B-Way Burger with Trent, Jordan, and the rest of them your rookie year?”

  “Not by choice.” He chuckled with a full mouth.

  It was pleasant, the view.

  “Get ready. I heard they shut the place down for a few hours during training camp.”

  “I ain’t hear that exactly, but I heard Trent represents his Jersey roots by supporting B-Way Burger up here.”

  “What does that place have to do with Jersey? They’re nationwide.”

  “Yeah,” he smacked, chewing while eating. Why did that horrible table manner appeal to me? But not in a romantic way. “But the first restaurant was in Jersey. A small, local hood joint in Paterson.”

  “Hmmm…” My brows met. “Why does that sound familiar?”

  Rut shrugged, using his fork to congregate his food. “Prolly ‘cause of Young Lord.”

  My face lit in recognition. “Oh, yeah!” I did recall hearing that. “Is that where Trent’s from, too?”

  “Nah. He’s from down the Turnpike, past me but closer. Camden.”

  “And where are you from?”

  “Trenton. State capital.”

  “And none of you live close to each other?”

  He played in his plate where his regard was. “Definitely not Lord. He’s all the way up in the New York tristate area. Trenton and Camden are their own worlds but not crazy far apart.”

  “Interesting.” I nodded and chewed.

  After a few minutes of silence, he spoke again.

  “Ya family don’t come see you? Check on you?”

  His eyes were on me again.

  My regard fell to my plate. “No.”

  “Why?”

  “Why are you so nosy?”

  He cracked an asshole smile that had begun to irritate me less. “It’s my therapist’s fault.”

  I rolled my eyes, cutting up my food on my plate with the fork.

  “My mom and I are…”

  “Beefin’?”

  “No. Just weird. We’ve been better lately, but it’s hard keeping in touch when I know she doesn’t approve of my decision to help Jimmy out.” She doesn’t approve of any of my decisions, actually. “I go visit her every now and then, but we mostly keep in touch via text and calls.”

  “And ya pops?”

  “Is dead.” My head came up. “Are you finished?” I gestured toward his empty plate.

  “Yeah.”

  I grabbed our plates and took them over to the sink to clean.

  “Everything all good with Wright?”

  “What do you mean?” I tossed him a cursory glance over my shoulder.

  “The nurse—at least I think she was in that uniform—you looked stressed next to her.”

  Oh…

  “Nurse Jackie’s one of his primary nurses. She’s here the most
out of the three we go between, depending on scheduling. I noticed bumps around the insertion of his trachea tube yesterday and I asked her this morning before I left out for work to take a look at it. When I got home, she said it concerned her, too.” My shoulders tensed. “It kind of stressed me out. With ALS, it’s always one complication after the next. It’s almost like waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I closed my eyes and shook my head, pausing over the sink. “I’ve never had real responsibilities. The most I recall being stressed was in college, trying to finish an impossible degree, all to spite my mother. This thing has aged me in just a few short years.”

  I thought then turned to him with narrowed but playful eyes.

  “And no, I don’t get any compensation, neither am I in a will that I’m aware of. And before you ask!” I was sure to speak louder for clarity. “I am neither interested or hoping to be paid for what I do!”

  With a faint smirk, Rut shook his head.

  “Then why do you do it?”

  I shrugged. “My grandfather died alone. He was the sweetest man to me and provided handsomely for my mother. He was really old school beneath the doting PaPa.” My face dropped toward my busied hands. “When my mother got pregnant with me her first year of college, he condemned her. He didn’t push for an abortion but argued she needed a husband to help her care for her baby.” I chuckled bitterly. “That was the wrong thing to say to that woman. She decided to have me and finished school. My grandfather paid for it, and even was good to me, but she never went back home.

  “Their relationship never recovered. It didn’t matter that he made sure he supported me every Christmas and birthday with gifts. She never forgave him. When he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, she let him battle it alone. She was his only child and hardly saw about him. She had him at the hospitals alone. I used to sneak up there after school and sit with his sedated body. It saddened me how she let him die alone.”

  “Is that why you do it?” he asked.

  I nodded, now battling emotions sprouting from my core.

  “I was never in love with Jimmy. As much as I wanted to be, we never had that time.” I turned off the water and faced him, resting against the counter. “I’m sure you’ve heard about the assault. You’ve seen the pictures.”