Chapter Six
The next few weeks passed with ease and each day brought new and exciting things for Asher and me. He respected my need to not advertise our feelings for each other in public, but I couldn’t help but smile when he would hold a door open for me, or place his hand on my back as we walked down the hall at school. All of these things could very well have happened before the dance, but with our newfound semi-relationship status, everything that used to be normal was now amplified.
It wasn’t until the week before school was out that things were brought to an abrupt halt.
I heard the doorbell ring and couldn’t help the rolling of my eyes. Either there was a delivery person on my doorstep or Asher rang it just to irritate me. I listened to its never-ending dinging as I walked to the front door. When I pulled the door open and saw Asher standing on the other side, I knew something was wrong.
“Hi. What’s wrong? You look really upset.” I pulled the door open all the way and stepped back, silently inviting him to come in.
“Can we go for a walk? Maybe go to the school for a little while?”
I grabbed my keys and closed the door. We made it half way to the school and he hadn’t said a word. I was really beginning to worry.
“Asher, please tell me what’s going on,” I asked softly. He looked over at me and I could see the sadness in his eyes.
“Let’s wait until we get to the school.” I nodded, but reached over and took his hand in mine, giving it a small squeeze. We walked hand in hand the rest of the way and even though I was concerned about whatever was upsetting Asher, I was also fighting butterflies in my stomach knowing this was the first time we held hands since the dance. We were out in public, holding hands, and the idea of what it meant made me feel like I was floating.
We made it to the playground of our elementary school and we sat on swings next to one another. We swayed to and fro in silence. I tried to sit and wait patiently, letting him tell me on his own. Eventually he let out a loud breath so I turned to look at him.
“My parents are sending me away again this summer.”
“What?” All the butterflies which previously had been swarming around my stomach were now replaced with an immediate emptiness that hallowed out my entire being. He dropped my hand, only exaggerating the feeling of loneliness, and stood up to pace in front of the swing set.
“My grandfather needs help again this summer and my parents are making me go. We fought about it all night. There’s nothing I can do.” He looked over at me, his sadness now mirroring my own. “I’m sorry, Bit.”
“Wow. That really sucks.” It wasn’t the best response I could give, but it was honest.
“I know,” he replied. We were both silent for a little while. “What are we going to do?” He finally said.
“What is there to do?” I held my hands up to indicate surrender. “We’ll do what we did last year. Ride it out and have a happy reunion at the end of summer.” He stood in front of me and I put my feet in the bark to stop my swaying motion. His gray eyes were striking as he looked down at me.
“I don’t want to be away from you for that long.” Welcome back, butterflies.
“Asher, everything will be ok. It’s only a couple months. We’d be bored here anyway. How many times can we sit under the bridge or play basketball?”
“I don’t care what we do, Bit. You know that. I just want to spend time with you.” He was really sullen now, and even though I was upset that he was leaving hearing how much he was going to miss me made the situation a little more bearable.
“There’s nothing you or I can do about it. Being angry won’t fix anything. Last year we hardly spoke while you were gone. Maybe this year we can, I don’t know, write letters or something. We don’t have to be totally separated.”
“Just because we didn’t talk doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about you all the time,” he said, flatly, making me laugh.
“When did you get so open with your emotions?” I said between giggles. “You’ve never been this mushy about anything. Ever.” In the last few weeks he’d said more romantic things to me than I’d ever heard him say. I regretted my comment before it was completely out of my mouth, but could do nothing to stop it from being uttered. I saw his face still and his eyes glaze over with what seemed to be a mixture of sadness and frustration. He crossed his arms over his chest. He stared at me for a few minutes and I could see the sadness creep across the features of his face.
“Asher-“
“I think I need to go home,” he said curtly and turned to walk back towards the alley.
“Asher.” I stood up from my swing and followed him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Will you please stop and talk to me?” I talked to his back as he kept walking, not giving me any indication that he was going to let me apologize to his face. “Asher, stop. Let me apologize.” He turned around so quickly that I almost ran into his chest.
“You don’t need to apologize, Charlie.” I cringed at the use of my given name. It felt wrong coming from his mouth. For almost a year I had been almost exclusively Bit. “If you don’t want me to talk about how I feel about you, I won’t. It’s that simple. I thought we were on the same page. I thought that my going away for an entire summer would bother you in some way, but I’m glad we’ve straightened this out.”
“Calm down, please. I’m sorry,” I said, honestly. “This is all new to me too. I’ve never heard you talk like this before. It just caught me off guard. Please don’t be mad.” I very cautiously reached down to where his hand lay at his side. I took just the tips of his fingers in mine, hoping he wouldn’t pull away. When he let me take it, I moved my hand to fully embrace his palm, squeezing it once our hands were fully linked. “We are on the same page, Asher. It does bother me that we’ll be apart for the summer. I’m not going to miss my best friend this summer, I’m going to miss the first boy who ever held my hand, the first boy who ever danced with me. I’m going to miss you.”
I saw him breathe out a sign of relief. He pulled me into him and I welcomed the comfort of his chest pressed against my cheek. His arms around my shoulder felt heavy and perfect.
“Are we ok?”
“Yeah, Bit. We’re ok.”
And we were. He went away for the summer and we both got acquainted with emails. We shared a few phone calls throughout the summer and I was beyond ecstatic when one of the phone calls came on my birthday. I never doubted that he would remember, but it meant a lot more this year than it had in the past. We never lacked for anything to talk about, there were never any awkward pauses, and we never stopped missing each other.
Chapter Seven
“Can I tell you something that might be really embarrassing?” He asked me one night while we were having a rare conversation over the phone. When he was on the farm we didn’t get a lot of time to talk to each other.
“Sure…” I answered skeptically. I was laying on my bed, on my back, with my head hanging over the edge.
“Do you remember the last day I was home? When we were both going back to our houses and it was the last time we were going to see each other before I left the next morning?”
“Yeah.” I remember that goodbye. It was the most painful and beautiful moment of my life. I didn’t cry, but only because I kept pushing my fingernails into the skin of my palm to distract me from the need to release the sadness that was taking over me. I was torn apart that he was leaving, but behind all that, past all the hurt and longing and aching, I was so happy we’d made it to that point. I would miss him differently this year, and I would treasure that fact all the months he was gone. I heard him push out a nervous breath and it made me nervous.
“I wanted to kiss you so badly that night.” And now my breath was gone all together. I remembered the moment he was talking about. We stood on my front porch after he’d walked me home from sitting under the bridge by the creek for the evening, trying to distract ourselves from our sadness. He picked me up in a giant hug and had
held on forever, but not long enough for either of us. He loosened his grip and I slid down his chest, the friction of our bodies and clothing rubbing together causing all kinds of strong yet confusing things to happen to me. He rested his forehead against mine and I could feel the air from his mouth brush against mine. I couldn’t see his mouth, but I knew exactly where it was and how far I’d have to move to make my lips press against his. I was scared. I’d never kissed anyone before and I wasn’t sure I knew how. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I couldn’t get past the idea that I would mess it up somehow. And just when I thought I’d gathered up enough nerve to move the inch and half it would take to change my life forever, he pulled away. He placed a tiny kiss on the crown of my head and I sighed, partly in relief and partly in regret.
“I wanted to kiss you too,” I whispered. Now I heard him sigh.
“Good. That’s good.”
“Good?”
“Well, I’m glad that you wanted to kiss me too. But honestly, I’m glad we didn’t.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t want our first kiss to be a goodbye.”
Our first kiss took place the day he came back that summer. We planned to meet under the bridge, in our usual spot, after dinner. He had flown in that afternoon, but had to spend some obligatory time with his parents before he thought he could sneak away. I spent the entire day watching the clock. I knew when his plane landed. I knew when he had probably arrived home, and I was filled with nerves knowing he was just a block away, in his house, so close to me.
As I walked to the bridge in the park where we had spent so much time as little kids, I tried hard to determine if I was going to be sick or not. My stomach was in knots, the anticipation of seeing him again was more than I thought I could handle. I placed my hands over my belly and rubbed along the white eyelet fabric of the new dress I had purchased, telling myself it wasn’t exclusively for Asher, even though it totally was. I mumbled comforting words to myself that did nothing to comfort me. “Everything is going to be ok. It’s just Asher. You’ve known Asher all your life. He’s the same boy you grew up with.” But he wasn’t. I talked to myself until I looked up and suddenly saw him.
His back was to me as he looked out over the pitiful stream the flowed under the bridge. The sun was setting and it cast an orange hue over everything, making everything glow in a way that only happens in the summer. As if he could sense I was there, he turned and his eyes met mine. My belly continued to flip and flop everywhere and I could feel my hands begin to tremble, but I couldn’t stop walking towards him.
I made it to him, stopping when there was very little distance between us, and pushed my hair back behind my ear. I still fiddled with the fabric of my dress, and went to open my mouth to greet him when I felt his finger under my chin. He lifted my face until I was looking up into his slate gray eyes. I watched those eyes as they grew closer and closer, and I saw him close his eyes right before I felt his lips touch mine.
We stood there, Charlie and Asher, best friends since fifth grade, sharing our first kiss.
He was right when he decided our first kiss shouldn’t be a goodbye. This hello kiss was perfect. A greeting. A beginning. Something new.
I was so nervous, all my insecurities threatening to take the kiss over. I made myself remember this was Asher and the moment was already perfect. His lips moved against mine slowly and gently. He pressed in harder and I felt my lips slide partially into his mouth as his captured mine. He moved again, his mouth opening slightly, then closing his lips around mine, the contact sending waves of a new kind of pleasure straight to my belly. His hand came up to cradle the back of my head, pressing our mouths together even more. I heard myself let out a small moan against his mouth and I was instantly embarrassed and felt my face flush. I pulled away and put my hand to my mouth, turning away from him.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled through my fingers. I can’t believe I just moaned, like, right into his mouth.
“Hey,” I heard him say as he turned me around by my arm to face him. “Hey, Bit,” he said as he ducked down to look at me. “Don’t be embarrassed. I’m not embarrassed. That was good. I’m glad you were enjoying yourself.” I rubbed my hands over my face and I could feel it was flaming red and hot. “Hey, look at me. Charlie, look at me.” I growled in frustration but tilted my head up to look at him. “Hi,” he said softly. I couldn’t help but smile. “I missed you.” I melted a little inside.
“I missed you too, Asher. I’m sorry again. I’m not sure why I did that.” He took his hand and ran it through my loose, black hair, causing tingles that made me shiver.
“You were enjoying yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that. People like kissing. That’s why they do it all the time, I assume. And I’ll admit,” he said tugging on my hair just a little so that I looked up into his eyes again, “I liked that you were enjoying it so much.”
“I’m so glad you’re home,” I said as I moved into his arms.
“Did you have a good summer?” He asked, his words a little mummbly from his cheek pressed to the top of my head. I shrugged my shoulders and loved the sound of his laughter echoing through his chest. I pulled back from him and saw his eyes glide down my body. It might have been the first time I didn’t feel self-conscious about his eyes running over me; I wanted him to look, to see me, to like what he saw.
“Do you like my dress?” I held out the hem of my skirt and gave a little twirl. I heard him swallow and saw his head bob up and down in a nod, his eyes not leaving the flesh of my bare legs. “Good.”
He caught himself staring and returned his attention to my face. “Do you want to walk around the park?”
“Sure.” He took my hand without hesitation and I was elated. From under the bridge we walked toward the path that led around the park, circling the small pond that was in the center. We strolled along the path talking about our summer apart, filling in the blanks of what we’d already covered in phone conversations and emails. We came up to the gazebo that sat along the shore of the pond and Asher headed in, pulling me along with him.
We went to the far railing, looking out over the water. There were tall cattails sticking up from the water and a few smaller ducks navigating through the tall reeds. I pressed into the railing, hoping to see the swans that sometimes congregated near the shoreline. I felt Asher’s chest press against my back and every sense was magnified. The low hum of the crickets turned into an orchestra of chirping, the gentle breeze was now a gust swirling the fragrance of the surrounding flowers around us. But the touch – his body pressed into mine – was my favorite.
“Bit,” he said quietly.
“Yes?” I breathed rapidly and hoped he didn’t notice, his nearness making it hard to draw air into my lungs normally. I felt like I was starving for oxygen.
“Will you be my girlfriend?”
Of all the words that he could have uttered at that moment, those were some I wasn’t expecting.
“You want me to be your girlfriend?”
“Um, yes?” Now he sounded unsure of himself. “Don’t you want to be my girlfriend?”
“Um, yes?” I offered, hoping to make him smile by using his words. He did smile, but not as brightly as I would have liked. “But, I don’t think I can be your girlfriend. Not yet anyhow.”
“Let me worry about your dad,” he said confidently. I turned to look at him, but his hands remained on the railing, caging me in.
“You think you can convince my dad to let me date you an entire year early?”
“Like I said, let me worry about it.” His confidence and demanding words made me fill with warmth.
“I’d love to be your girlfriend,” I managed to whisper, still holding his gaze.
“I’d really love to kiss my girlfriend.” His mouth came down to meet mine and the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes were his gorgeous eyelashes and dark freckles across his nose. I felt his lips press into mine again and wondered instantly if every kiss for the rest of my life would
be better than the last. This kiss felt effortless and perfect. His hands moved from the railing to my waist making the muscles in my abdomen jolt alive with his new touch.
We were exploring each other, but also exploring the idea of kisses. I learned that when I pressed my lips firmly onto his I could make him lose his breath. I heard him inhale so quickly that it seemed as though he was caught off guard by how he felt. I learned that Asher liked to run his fingers through my hair while we kissed and in turn, I enjoyed the feeling of his fingers raking through my long hair just as much.
When I felt his tongue press against the seam of my lips, I hesitated for a moment, but opened for him. At first I was stunned into paralysis. I feared I had no idea what I was doing, but then I felt Asher run the back of his hand along my cheek and knew I could trust him to lead me. I concentrated on matching him and trying not to embarrass myself, but felt all the anxiety was worth it when I felt him slow down. When his mouth came to almost a complete stop and our lips were simply connected, as if he were savoring and cherishing that moment, that was when I let my guard down and gave in to the kiss.
Eventually, long after the sun had set, we reluctantly parted, forced from our gazebo by the chill of the summer night. We walked home and Asher kept his arm around my shoulders, which I appreciated because I hadn’t thought to bring a sweater.
“So, when we get back to your house I’m going to talk to your dad.” Asher sounded determined but also a little scared.
“Tonight?”
“Yeah. I don’t want him to think we’re sneaking around behind his back. I want to be up front and honest with him. Is that ok with you? Do you mind if I talk to him tonight?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t mind. I’m just not sure how all of this is going to go over with him. You know how he can be, especially when it comes to me.”
“It’ll be ok.”
And it was. That night we went into my house and after Asher asked to speak to my father alone I retreated to my room. I sat there for forty-five minutes in nervous agony. Finally, my bedroom door opened and I saw my father’s face as he poked his head around the door.
The Space Between Us Page 7
