Wild Heart

by Kade Boehme

  “Everything had gone out of control so fast. And I couldn’t get any power back,” Ase said, desperate. “You sounded happy, and your e-mails were so sweet, and I kept thinking about Munich and how free I’d been. So I started doing drag again.”

  Jase felt his brows go up. “That was risky.”

  “I know, but I needed to feel again. I was so depressed, and I didn’t have you or Munich. But I could have that again. So I lied. Like a complete pussy. I said I was visiting Lizeth, who I would go say hello to briefly.” Ase had started pulling on his own hair. “Then I guess they found my e-mails with you. To this day I don’t know how. And I sure as fuck don’t know how they knew what club I was performing at. But they came.”

  Jase was afraid from the way Ase was shaking that he could guess at least part of the story. Ase shrank in on himself, leaned back against the walls. “I was always such a disappointment with my tattoos, being a wild party boy, or so they called me, who hung out with white kids. They assumed I thought I was better than them. Especially when I begged them to go to Munich that semester. But they were the ones who wanted me to be a doctor. I still hate medicine. But I did even that to shut them up. Gave up control in my career to have some in my private life.

  “Then I was working the crowd one night and saw my brothers, Mateo and Cris, coming through the crowd. They pulled my wig off like it was a Jerry Springer special, dragged me out.” Ase’s breathing shuddered, and in barely a whisper he said, “My papi was waiting.”

  “Ase, you don’t have to.” Jase didn’t know if he could stand to hear any more, but more, he didn’t think Ase looked like he could handle the telling of it.

  “They took me to a fucking hotel. I thought maybe they had a hooker there or something. They beat my ass, I tell you. Just wailed on me. My papi took me up, and Lizeth was there.”

  “Fuck,” Jase said.

  “She agreed with them. I needed help or something. My brother watched, Jase. He stood and fucking watched to make sure I did it. So it was lay on my back and think of anything to get through it or get my ass beaten some more.”

  Ase’s entire body shook so violently, Jase feared he’d hurt himself. “Fuck, Ase,” he said, not realizing his eyes were leaking. “That’s….” He couldn’t stop himself. He moved over to Ase and reached for him. When he tried to wrap Ase in his arms, Ase tried to push him off, but Jase gripped him tighter, hoping this was the right thing.

  I’m not taking your control. I’m just letting you fall apart.

  And Ase did. No tears were shed, except Jase’s. Jase silently wept for the beautiful, spirited young man he’d met, who’d had stars in his eyes and a permanent mischievous smile. But Ase, he just shook, breathing heavily, eyes wide and feral. It took a minute, but he relented and fell into Jase, digging his fingers in Jase’s biceps almost painfully, as he bent to rest his forehead on Jase’s shoulder.

  Jase said nothing. He couldn’t imagine there were appropriate words. The cop in him was fucking furious. The friend in him was devastated. The lover, the one who wanted Ase and wished he had been able to protect Ase, his heart was broken for Ase. God, what had been done to the man was unfathomable. And with Ase’s personality, his need for control, his cocksureness, the ripping away of what made him Ase, for even a little while that night, had to have left a painful scar.

  “I went insane, Jase.” He spoke quietly, remorsefully, as if he were in confession. “I stopped e-mailing you, would speak to no one. My mami prayed a lot, but she didn’t know what they did to me, though I’m still scared to know what she’d have said.

  “I kept fucking my way through study-group guys and closeted guys in the neighborhood, like it’d decontaminate me. I wanted my dick to fall off for a while. Worst existential crisis ever.” While Jase hated to make Ase keep talking, he seemed to just be purging at that point, words spilling out as he shook against Jase.

  “Then she came up pregnant. We used a fucking condom but she still got pregnant.”

  Jase wasn’t even going to ask how Ase could have been sure it was his kid, because that seemed beside the point now.

  “My folks, her folks, it was done. We had to get married. She needed citizenship; she was having my baby. That was that. Oh, man, Papi was so proud it made me sick to my stomach. He offered to pay for the wedding and was all ‘Of course he will finish and become a doctor.’”

  Ase looked up. “I don’t know why it matters, it may not to you but to me it does. You may fucking hate me, either way. You should. But I never touched her again. I told her I couldn’t. She threatened to tell my parents, I told her if she’d shut the fuck up until I could get through med school I’d help her stay here, pay for the kid, and get out of her hair.”

  As an officer of the court, technically Jase should mention that Ase’d just admitted a crime to him. But that was the last in a long list of crimes he’d just mentioned, and Jase was sure it wasn’t the right time to get into all that.

  “When she lost that baby, though. It’s like a weight was lifted. I didn’t even want to look at him. Wouldn’t even go to the fucking hospital. How could anyone respect me?” He shook his head mournfully.

  “Ase, you were depressed. You’d had a traumatic experience.” You were raped! Jase wanted to rail against it, but didn’t this Ase could handle his anger right then. “You were detached.”

  Ase flew out of Jase’s embrace, Jase too stunned to try to stop him. “Right. Poor Ase, the big-fucking-weak-bitch.”

  “Hey, weren’t you the one who called me out for talking about myself like that?”

  Stopping short, Ase stared at Jase, breathing hard. “I hate that I was that weak. And I hate that I hurt people. Lizeth had to be hurt. She came from a different place. She didn’t know better.”

  “No, but your father and your brothers did, dammit.” Jase reined in his anger before it flew out of control, because all he wanted was to hunt down Ase’s brother if he was still in town and take his nightstick to the fucker. Repeatedly.

  Ase flinched so Jase held out a hand. He didn’t reach for him; the man was traumatized enough for one day.

  He waited Ase out. Slowly but surely, Ase’s tension bled away, leaving a tired shell of the man Jase couldn’t ache for more if he tried.

  “Let’s lie down.”

  “How can you want to be near me?” Ase sounded truly surprised.

  “Because… You, you’re not weak.” Jase’s voice broke. “You’re no monster, either. You were hurt badly by people who you love.” In crimes whose statute of limitations hadn’t run out. “You survived, though. You wanted to love again. You’ve been letting yourself be happy again. And that’s great. You’re stronger than anyone I know. Aside from my mama.” He gave a wink.

  Ase closed his eyes and breathed heavily for a while. When he opened his eyes, he reached for Jase’s hand. “You’re full of shit,” he said. He wasn’t exactly teasing, but Jase would take it. “But I’ll act like you really mean it. Even if just for tonight.”

  “Okay.” Jase pulled Ase into him and they held each other for a moment. “Okay. Bed.”

  It was a start.

  ****

  Ase came awake slowly. His body was sore, spent from all the negative energy having tried to claw its way out. He looked over to see Jase still slumbering soundly next to him in Jase’s bed. He felt safe, cared for. He’d been humiliated and stripped bare to drunkenly pour all that venom out of his soul. He’d never ever spoken of that night and what his brothers and father did to him.

  He never had spoken of Octavio—the name Lizeth had given the stillborn nanu to put on his grave marker after a funeral Ase had not attended.

  Jase had given words to thoughts Ase’d had when he awoke from nightmares of that night. And he didn’t feel worthy. He didn’t feel he earned Jase’s respect or forgiveness for how the day had gone, but Jase had given it, even if just a little. No absolution, but understanding, and that was more than he ever could have wished for.

  When they’d
laid in bed long after Ase’s confessions, he’d talked of thinking he deserved every time Anthony had called him a pussy. He told of how he’d started drinking to just… feel. Even if it was dull around the edges, he could smile again when he drank and took the stage as Ariel.

  He also admitted he’d been chasing the brightness, the home Jase had described in his e-mails and their conversations when they met. And he hadn’t even realized it. He was ashamed for how he’d treated Jase, how he hadn’t given Jase a chance.

  But Jase reminded him he had to heal, that he had a long life to live. And for the first time in ages he hoped for a long life. Maybe with Jase, even. But he still had to purge. So he and Jase had talked about his choices, how he could choose to go home, choose to stand up for himself.

  “I may not be in this town when you get back, but I’ll be here,” Jase said, wrapping an arm around Ase’s body and squeezing him gently. “And even if we decide to just stay friends after this, I’ll still be here.”

  And those had been their last words on it. For the first time in his life, someone gave Ase permission to be Ase; to make his own choices. More importantly, had affirmed for the first time in Ase’s life, that the decisions were Ase’s alone to make and no one else’s, not anymore.

  Ase peeled Jase’s heavy arm from where it rested on his chest and crawled from the safety of Jase’s bed. It felt like one of the scariest things he’d ever done. But he carried a little bit of Jase with him in the hope Jase’d given Ase again. The hope that, even without Jase, life could be something good.

  And all Ase’s.

  He went to the dryer and quietly undressed and changed into his own clothes, leaving a note on the table, and slipped into the dark, late night. Sliding behind the wheel of his car, he gave one last glance at the cottage. Then he started down the road, away from Jase, again full of hope that he’d one day return. And if not, he would live. But if so, he would love.

  Chapter 22

  JASE had awakened at the sound of a car door. The door hadn’t been slammed, but even shutting it normally in the still of the night, as far out as the ranch sat, he could hear like the car was in the same room. He knew almost immediately, even through the fogginess of sleep, Ase had gone. He padded on bare feet into the kitchen to find the clothes Ase had borrowed folded neatly on the table, a piece of paper resting on top of the pile.

  Thank you. I’ll see you soon.

  Jase smiled through the initial dull ache at the realization Ase had chosen to leave. And Jase knew with a bone deep certainty Ase hadn’t just left his house. He tamped down his first urge to run, grab his phone, and call Ase back. Instead, he went to the window just in time to see the taillights of Ase’s car as he braked at the foot of the drive, paused, then disappeared as he turned onto the highway. It was the second time Jase had watched Ase leave into the night, not knowing when he’d see him again. The second time Ase had been nothing but a pair of fading red taillights. But this time, knowing Ase had chosen it for himself, made it infinitely better.

  It’d taken a few days after Ase had gone before he heard from the man. Jase sat at his desk and his phone lit up, vibrating once to indicate a text message. Sorry. Traveling was crazy. Hope you’re okay. I’ll text you. Seeing the simple variation of that first e-mail he’d sent on a hope and a prayer he’d hear back from Ase long ago made a smile spread on Jase’s face and his heart thump, awake again for the first time in days.

  Always. He’d responded. Because what else would he say?

  Two weeks rolled into three, then five, without seeing Ase’s face. Jase was surprised how much it affected him. He hadn’t wandered around with nothing to do; Lord knows he had enough work. But he did find himself wondering, in the odd hours spent alone, how Ase was faring.

  Over the next few weeks, the texts had been sporadic at best. Ase happy to see old friends, Ase sending picture messages of some of his favorite places in San Diego. Then one time, in the middle of the night while Jase sat alone on his front porch listening to the rustle of leaves and tall grass swaying in the wind, Ase sent a simple I miss you. Jase didn’t respond. Judging by the hour, he didn’t suppose he was meant to. He sent off a simple I’m here the next morning.

  The whole thing hurt more than a bit, but it was necessary. After the tumultuous eight weeks they’d had together and Ase’s confessions, his revelations of the monstrous weight of guilt and shame living inside him, they both needed time to regroup. But more than anything, Ase needed time to choose Ase, especially if there was any hope for them to be more than what they were.

  It hurt to think they may just end up as friends, but Jase knew in the face of Ase’s ultimate happiness, it would hurt less and less if that’s how it had to be.

  That realization really drove home the fact for Jase that he cared much more for his wild child than he’d imagined.

  Which is why he was such a bundle of nerves today. A text message came in from Ase two days earlier to say Ase would be in town for the weekend and would like to see Jase. Jase felt like some Big Talk was going to go down so he was nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

  His mama commented on his being so tense, even played nice. Though she seemed to be doing that more and more as her body slowly got back to its old self. She’d never be one hundred percent what she’d once been physically, which broke Jase’s heart for her. But she was doing damn well. Even her physical therapist had commented on how well she’d progressed, saying her general good health and previously active lifestyle was a big help to her recovery.

  She’d even started doing the afternoon feedings for the two horses they had left now. They’d made the painful decision to auction off the mare his father had purchased for himself a couple years before his death. She was too young to go to waste in a paddock, and it’d be a long time yet before Judy Emery would be on the back of a horse, and never again one with that much spirit.

  He and Ase hadn’t set up a time to meet, so that kept Jase on edge through his Thursday morning shift. Jase knew one damn thing. Ase hadn’t text messaged or called since he got back, if he was back yet, and Jase was getting annoyed, having told him he only had tonight—Thursday night—and Friday off. But that was mostly so he wouldn’t feel like a twelve-year-old with a pitiful crush. Being annoyed over flakiness was far better than accepting he was so close to whipped it hurt.

  He wanted out of his work clothes, and with no plans for the night, he’d be damned if he was sitting around like a chump, waiting by the phone. He wasn’t a complete asshole, though, so he shot off a text to Ase saying he was headed home, if Ase just happened to be looking for him.

  After a quick goodbye to the sheriff and Miller, who were on their way in as he was headed out, Jase made his way to the parking lot. Being in the cinderblock sheriff’s department building, he’d not even realized he’d almost lost daylight. The sky was pink and purple, but clear as the sun finished its downward slide to the west. The temperatures had gone down along with the sun, though not by much. They still had a few weeks, maybe more than that, before it’d be anything resembling fall temperatures, even though they were well into November.

  He climbed into his Ram and drove onto the old road home. The ride was nice, if a bit tense with growing agitation. He was looking forward to a shower and damn if that wasn’t the shittiest part of the long commute after work. The desire to be home made the ride stretch for what felt like hours when he was tired. But tired and tense. He was done.

  Finally, he made it home. There wasn’t a single notification on his phone from Ase. Damn the man. There was a text from his mother saying she’d handled the feeding for the night, thank goodness. He shot off a “thanks but no thanks”, declining an invite to have dinner with her and Ms. Jaclyn. Ms. Jaclyn was no longer living in, only there during the days now. Jase had laughed when he’d not been able to tell which of the two women was more relieved by that change. Though, he secretly thought they’d developed a friendly relationship once his mama had simmered down a bi
t and gotten more of her independence back.

  He tried to tamp down his disappointment at the realization he obviously wouldn’t be graced with Ase’s presence that night, but failed, judging by the scowl on his face when he saw his reflection in the small window on the front door of his cottage. Unlocking his door felt like the final nail in the night, like admitting defeat.

  Fuck it. There was always tomorrow. And he didn’t know how long Ase planned to be in town. But he was still nervous about whatever it was they needed to discuss. He’d hoped they’d be finished with that part before his head hit the pillow tonight.

  He made his way inside and put leftovers in the microwave to heat while he showered. The shower was just what the doctor ordered, too, because the warm water helped rid his muscles of some of the tension as well as the grime of the day. He no longer smelled of old papers and the new paint on the walls of the sheriff’s department.

  He made his way to the kitchen after toweling off and grabbed jeans from the dryer, pulling them on before grabbing his dinner. His mind was too tired to really put much thought into whether his roast and mashed potatoes were any good. Hell, he didn’t even take the time to enjoy it, just leaned on the counter and snarfed it down. He hadn’t eaten since much earlier in the day, thanks to his nerves.

  Fucking Ase.

  He dropped his plate in the sink and grabbed the six-pack of beer from his fridge, deciding to take his pity party to the front porch.

  The porch swing’s chains creaked on their hooks, probably having not been used in years. Jase added spraying them down with WD-40 to his list of things to do around the ranch during his down time. He loved the swing, couldn’t believe he hadn’t used it in the almost full year since he’d been back.

  He stretched his bare feet out on the wooden porch and rolled one of the beers in his hands before popping it open and taking a swig. The beer mellowed him out, taking the edge off his anxiety. The cool, fall air blew over his naked torso, making him shiver. The only light around was the bright full moon and the dim light over his kitchen sink in the back of the house. His mama’s house was dark and still. The sound of grass and tree leaves rustling in the breeze and the faraway sound of cars were soothing.