Wild Heart

by Kade Boehme

It nearly knocked Jase over. Then they did fall over because Ase pummeled Jase with a kiss.

  “But,” Jase said, through the kisses and laughing.

  “But?”

  “I want you to get better for you. Okay?”

  Ase’s smile was uncharacteristically shy. “I am. I guess I just think of you as my prize at the end of it all, you know. If we can make it.”

  “Oh, Ase.” Jase scoffed. “I’m no prize. And I got things I should work on. I can be a better me. I know I hurt you with some of my bullshit about my fucked-up definition of manliness. But I’ll do it. I’m damn sure not passing up this second chance when the gods seem to have taken it upon themselves to give it to us.”

  Ase’s eyes were a little too bright, but fondness shone out of them. “One day at a time, huh?”

  “Yeah. One day at a time.” Seemed like they’d used those words a lot since they’d known each other, but if those words would save them, they sounded like pure fucking poetry to Jase.

  They lay on the ground tangled together, looking up at the clear, blue sky through the treetops. And it all just felt so possible. Still broken in so many ways. But possible.

  ****

  The following Monday, Ase was overwhelmed, to say the least, as he walked out of University Hospital for the last time. He’d faxed his resignation from his pediatric residency while he was still in California, but he’d decided an in person thank you to some of the doctors he’d worked under was appropriate.

  They’d been surprised to see Ase had come to thank them, but not surprised he’d dropped. They all offered advice on new careers, if he wasn’t interested in practicing medicine or being a surgeon. But it’d been plain to them Ase hadn’t been interested. Ase had been bored and miserable there, anyway. He’d hated the shifts, the pressure. He liked the challenge and using his brain, but as far as the other residents and the job itself, he’d taken so little interest, it’d been obvious his heart hadn’t been in it.

  More of the nursing staff was sad to see him go. Two tried to talk him into going into nursing. But Ase was in the mood to be a little more unrestricted for a while. He wanted to be broke, and enjoy living in his new town, hang out with new and old friends, maybe even get back into his photography seriously. He’d never been the typical college kid. Between maintaining high grades for his scholarships and taking care of things for Lizeth and his parents, Ase’s only time of acting like an average twenty-something was when he’d gotten tattoos, when he’d done shows as Ariel, when he’d spent those six amazing months in Munich.

  Not that this was about him being young and dumb, but he was looking forward to… freedom. He’d missed freedom more than anything. He missed those six months of selfishness, which had been hindered by the fact he knew he’d be going right back home to be a responsible son once again.

  His parents had done so much, had worked hard, had started on their brood by the time they were twenty. He was grateful for their sacrifices, but one thing he and his counselor in San Diego had discussed, one thing she’d reminded him, was he’d made a lot of sacrifices as well. He’d studied, he’d bussed tables as a teenager to help with bills and college savings. He’d paid for a wife and kept her safe, even after she’d done what she’d done.

  Ase didn’t think she was a bad person. He did understand she’d come from a different world, like his parents. He didn’t want her hurt in all this. Well, he wasn’t so willing to protect her that he’d put his neck out for her anymore. But no more lying.

  Ase was many things, but a liar he was not. He wanted to be himself again, the one he’d let get lost in the shame of the last few years of his life. He loved the Ase he’d been in Munich, the Ase he was inside. And it was time.

  That was what he kept trying to tell himself. The guilt wasn’t gone. He did want to call his mami and apologize. Again and again. But Jase, blessed, understanding Jase took the phone from him. And they’d spent the weekend getting Ase ready to leave. Again. But Ase was feeling in control. For the first time in so very long, Ase felt like he was going to be living his life again.

  And maybe, just maybe, he’d get to have a little peace, a place of his own, and a future with Jase. If he could have those things, he would be fucking thrilled. Jase and his bike and his camera. His family could keep the rest. Because living under them, he’d nearly folded.

  When he pulled Matilda II into the parking spot by his apartment, he eyed the steadily filling U-Haul in the spot beside him. He’d told Jase to take a break while he was gone, but he’d obviously not listened. Stubborn bastard.

  Ase walked toward his open apartment door, music pouring out as he got closer. When he walked in his head fell back as he laughed loudly. Back to the door, Jase’s ass shook to the beat of the song, and there was a long blonde wig on his head. One of Ariel’s. Jase started, turning toward Ase, eyes wide, and placed a hand over his heart.

  “No need to clutch your pearls, Deputy. But you may wanna hold onto that wig. Looks like it’s coming off.”

  Jase looked up at the hair and scowled as he snatched it off his head. “It looked heavy. I wanted to try.” He held his nose up indignantly. “I was right. It’s heavy.”

  Ase checked his smile, but inside; he beamed. He knew the man well enough to know that was a gesture, a sweet moment of showing he was trying to do for Ase what he’d said. The blush on his cheeks was cute, and Ase had to reward Jase. A kiss for effort. Even if he hadn’t exactly meant to get busted.

  Ase wrapped an arm around Jase’s waist, kissed him soundly on the lips. When he pulled back, he was short of breath. It was amazing how much the man made his whole body shut down and feel alive at the same time. Jase’s flush was deeper, his eyes a little glazed.

  “Thanks for the help. But you could have taken a break.”

  Jase shook his head and stepped out of Ase’s hold. “No. Since you insist on leaving tonight, I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t have to rush.”

  The man hadn’t even been able to help, originally. But he must have pulled some strings, because he’d come knocking around nine a.m. with coffee and boxes.

  “Jase, you’re doing too much.”

  “Hey, this is what we do for people we care about in Texas.” Jase said “people we care about” much more casually than Ase could tell he meant the sentiment. Ase wanted to take the man right back to bed for everything, for all of his help and support. He wanted to thank Jase for also trying, and he still was flabbergasted the man had come out to his mom. Again, because he cared about Ase and didn’t want it to be an issue.

  “So gossip around the hospital is a certain sexy doctor was going to leave without telling a bitch goodbye.” Dustin’s voice floated in from the doorway. Ase turned, surprised.

  “Oh, sorry,” Dustin said, looking at Jase. He didn’t look very sorry though. Yeah, Ase would miss the guy.

  “Nurses gossip too much,” Jase grumbled, behind him. Ase ignored it and went to give Dustin a hug, which seemed to shock him.

  “No way. I was going to text you,” Ase said, as he disengaged.

  Dustin’s shock turned to an eye roll as he ran his fingers through his curly hair. “There’s the asshole I know and kinda like.” The dry tone was belied by a wink. He was still in scrubs, so he was either on his way into work or just coming from.

  “You headed in?” Ase asked, as he waved Dustin inside. He gritted his teeth when he noticed how Jase eyed the way Dustin stood with a hip cocked, hand resting there. Well, if Ase needed reminding Jase was merely human, leave it to these moments to keep perspective. Jase caught Ase’s eye and dropped his own in shame as he turned away. Oh, Jase. Nice to know I’m not the only work in progress here.

  Jase had told Ase about some of the harsher things his dad had called him, his treatment of his older son. Not that it really compared to the hell of Ase’s papi but you can’t compare shit like that. Damage done is damage done. He had faith in Jase. He was such a good guy in his core.

  When Ase looked back Dustin’s w
ay, the way he flicked his eyes between Ase and Jase said he must have noticed the exchange. Jase wandered off into the bedroom with a box. “I’ll give you guys a minute.” The grudging jealousy was kind of cute. A little annoying, too. But cute.

  “That an issue still?”

  Ase thought back to how he’d fucked Jase while he wore that skirt, the way Jase had seen right through him. Fuck that’d been so hot. They had to fucking repeat that.

  “Not so much as you’d think,” he said, looking back to where Jase had disappeared. “We’re working on bringing out his inner queen.”

  “Heh. I have no doubt you can handle the task.” Dustin’s smirk made Ase chuckle.

  “I do have my magic ways.” He went into the kitchen and bade Dustin to follow. When they got there, he lifted a large black bag. “Liquor. All of it. Take it.”

  Dustin’s brows went up. “Well, I thought you were gonna show me your magic ways. But I suppose with your man in the house, this is better.” Dustin opened the bag. “Damn, some of this is new.”

  Ase shrugged, going for nonchalant. “I’m trying this clean living thing. And the not-coping-with-alcohol thing seemed to go hand-in-hand with that.”

  Dustin’s warm regard made Ase sad he’d be leaving his friend behind. He also wished he’d been a bit better friend to the man.

  “Good luck, Ase. I’m so fucking stoked for you. Just so’s you know.”

  Ase nodded.

  “Anyway. I just came to say goodbye. I actually was heading in when Vernice, of all people, was all in a state about the fine-ass brown man leaving, and what a shame it was. Figured it’d be worth it to be late a few minutes to say goodbye.” Dustin smiled again, one of those genuine, kind smiles Ase hadn’t let himself notice from people over the last while. Amazing how much sunshine gets in the brain when there’s a little hope to give it a hand.

  “Bye, Dustin. Thanks for coming by.”

  Dustin lifted the bag. “Hell, I got shit-tons of free hooch. I think I’m the winner here.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Ase said, pushing Dustin out of the kitchen. “Fuck off, I’ve got packing to finish.”

  “I can’t believe you found a place already.”

  “Jase has a friend.”

  “Ah, friends with friends. It’s the southern way.”

  “You’re from Texas.”

  “Tomato, to-mah-to.” Dustin peered out the front door. “Well, I’ll get. Seriously. Good luck. And if you and Deputy Blondie in there split….”

  “Deputy Blondie can hear,” Jase called, though he did sound in better humor.

  “I was gonna say I’d take him,” Dustin said, thumbing toward Jase.

  Ase guffawed. “Go away, Dustin.” And with that, he closed another part of this chapter. Though, he had a funny feeling he’d hear from the guy again.

  Sighing, looking around at how much was left to pack—though much less than before, Ase decided to get a move on. He picked up a couple of the boxes Jase had already finished packing and carried them out to the trailer.

  Surprised to find Jase behind him when he’d spun around to go back inside, he stopped still and studied the man’s expression. Rarely did Jase do it anymore, but he still had that eerie way of effecting a stoic, soldier-like air.

  “Did you want some alone time with your twink?”

  Ase blinked for a second, not sure whether Jase was teasing or not. He exited the trailer because he was not about to stand around arguing in a space that would echo. Jase stepped close to him when they’d exited, and Ase said, sardonically, “Careful. Twink’s a gay word, gringo.”

  Jase narrowed his eyes as Ase stalked over to him, almost pinning the man to the side of the trailer. Their chests were barely an inch from one another; he could feel the heat coming off Jase. He could smell that spicy cologne, which he’d laughed to find out was some shit he thought most guys stopped wearing in high-school; something with a name like a form of dance. It was cute. Kind of like Jase’s scowl. That’s why he’d pushed Jase publicly. He couldn’t imagine the man was actually jealous. Not after all they’d been through.

  “Well, I’m the one leaving you here with the fuck buddy you lived with. Is it gonna be some ‘while they cat’s away’ shit? Huh?” Ase didn’t really think so. Okay. Not much. “How is Lacey anyway?” he asked, in his best Ariel voice, giving his head a little bob. Mostly it was to cover a tiny insecurity he felt about even asking about the woman.

  Jase huffed a few breaths then bam. A kiss. In public. Not a licking, heated, start-something kiss, but a chaste I’ll miss you, I need you, weak in the knees kind of kiss. Ase knew the surprise that must have shown on his face when Jase smirked like he did.

  He narrowed his eyes. “Oh, you have not won here, sir.” Though, you may have just won my heart. He really had to struggle not to laugh at Ariel’s voice dramatically swooning in his head. But yeah. That moment… kind of made up for Jase being a dick when he saw Dustin’s posture earlier.

  Jase looked really sad all of the sudden, though, which brought Ase up short. “You okay?”

  Jase nodded and was still quiet for a second. “Yes.” He looked around before meeting Ase’s eye. “I’m really okay. Just in time for you to leave.” Oh. Oh, Jase.

  “Hey, we’ll see each other every other weekend. It’s not goodbye, right? Only a few months.” He wanted to touch Jase, but the kiss had been huge, and he didn’t want to ruin it by going overboard. Hell, he wasn’t sure he could handle physical contact for his own reasons in that moment.

  “And you, Deputy Emery, are going to keep being okay. And you’ll be even better when you’re back on your turf. And I’ll spend time getting my head on straight—so to speak.” He had to give his best shit-eating grin at that. It landed on its mark, Jase’s smile splitting his face beautifully. “And maybe we’ll resemble something like a boring, sane couple one day.”

  Jase considered Ase wistfully, which was a new one. Then he smirked again. “I probably wouldn’t go that far.”

  Ase snorted. “Yeah. Me neither.”

  But who needs sane? Ase thought, drama aside, they were pretty fucking great as they were. Now they just had to get their shit together.

  Jase headed back toward the house, and Ase took a moment to leer at the way his uniform slacks hugged that sexy, round ass. “Oh, Jase. I just thought of a goodbye present.” That you can give me twice

  And Jase did. Three times, to be exact.

  Chapter 26

  “SO, Ase, your friend is back in town for good today?”

  Ase quirked his lips into a smirk, thinking how much he couldn’t wait to get his hands on Jase tonight. Fuck. It’d been two weeks. He was so fucking glad this every other week bullshit was over. He knew their schedules would be crazy and all, but this weekend… yeah, it was all theirs.

  “My boyfriend moved back to town. That’s right. Yesterday, actually, but I had to come see you.” He said the last bit partly accusatory, but she ignored him. As usual.

  Dr. Moriah matched his smirk. “Boyfriend, huh?”

  “Yeah.” Okay, so he knew he had trouble with that term. Even Anthony he’d just called his friend, the guy he fucked. And they’d lived together for a few months. Ase had only come close to a relationship a few times. But yeah, Jase… Jase was the real deal.

  “This’ll be the first time you’ve lived around each other for, what, four months?”

  “Just over, yes.” He looked around the cheerful office with its rainbow flags and charts. Her neat rows of books and diplomas. He’d had trouble at first. He had wanted to get better, but fuck, it was still hard talking like this, being so fucking open. But he was paying the woman whether he just sat and stared or not. “I’m nervous. I think it’ll be an adjustment.” He looked back at her calm, pleasant face. She scooped bright red bangs to the side to tuck behind one ear, waiting for him to finish.

  “I want it, though. We discussed waiting a while to live together. I’ll keep my place. The goal is to see where we’re at when I�
�m one year sober.” Four months and he hadn’t fucked it up yet, even working in a bar. He was tempted when his friends were having a drink. But then he would order a soda, and at night he’d go home thinking about all he had accomplished without drinking, with the therapy.

  And one day, he’d be happy to move in with Jase. But for now, Ase loved his tiny studio apartment. He slept on a futon and it was small, but the drive to work was short, and his rent wasn’t bad. He’d been able to pay a few months’ rent with the sale of his car. He’d never get rid of Matilda II. Ever. Even if it’d been more convenient to have the car in bad weather, downsizing had been necessary when he’d started paying his final student loans. The car lost; no question.

  But Ase had no complaints. He had Matilda II; he even enjoyed being a lowly waiter. He’d hated medicine. With a passion. He still wasn’t sure what he’d do, but for now he was content. The bills were paid.

  He was—happy. Or something close enough to not want to fuck with it.

  “Jase’s apartment is nice. Bigger. So it’ll be like a vacation getting to sleep over there.”

  “His job’s pretty high pressure. Your anxiety is going to get tested a bit.”

  Ase scowled. “He’s been either in the Army or a cop the entire time I’ve known him.”

  “Small town deputy and city cop for a town this size are two very different things.”

  She had Ase there.

  “I think, just like everything else, it’ll be part of getting used to each other,” he said.

  “How very adult of you, Ase.”

  “I’m always very adult.” He stuck out his tongue.

  “Clearly.”

  One thing he’d liked about Dr. Moriah from the start, she was funny. She didn’t let him feel sorry for himself. She hadn’t pretended to absolve him of his guilt over his reaction to the stillbirth of his son, but she had helped him understand his detachment was not an unprecedented reaction.

  There had been times when that hadn’t been enough, and he still thought, no matter what a son of a bitch he’d always been, something had to be wired wrong. But then she’d reminded him, he felt guilt. That helped him feel more human, but it’d led to him feeling, for the first time, legitimately wronged. He’d felt that overwhelming shame of a victim, and he’d hated it. Jase had come to see him, and he’d turned him away for two days until Jase had forced his way in and held him. Just. Held him.