Ugly

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “Come on,” Trent yells.

  “Are you okay?” I ask as I take a step toward her.

  “I’m fine, dear. Go ahead. I’ve got to finish folding the laundry and get started on dinner.” She smiles again, but the warmth doesn’t reach her eyes.

  I simply nod and go back to Trent who’s waiting for me on the staircase.

  When we reach his room, he closes the door and sits on his bed. “Lily, I want to ask you something.”

  “What is it?” I sit on the floor near the bed and take the university offers out of my bag.

  “Will you be my girlfriend?”

  I stop doing what I’m doing and look up at him. “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “I want you to be my girlfriend. As in going steady. Is that okay?”

  I’m not really sure what to say. Having a boyfriend isn’t something I ever thought would happen. I mean, I’m not pretty, and I don’t have nice clothes or nice…anything. Why would he want to be my boyfriend when there’s a ton of pretty girls out there? “Um,” I say unsure on how to reply.

  “What’s wrong?” He slides off the bed and kneels beside me. His hands cup either side of my face and he looks me straight in the eyes. “You’re so beautiful, Lily. You have to know that. And if you say yes to being my girlfriend, I promise I’ll look after you and never let you go. You mean too much to me to let anything happen to you.”

  I can’t hold the intense stare his eyes are giving me. “Okay,” I finally answer. I’m not exactly sure what being someone’s girlfriend means, but I’m positive Trent will tell me.

  “Thank you,” he says. Trent moves his head, and kisses me. First on my right cheek, then my left. But he doesn’t move his face away from me, instead I watch his chest going up and down rapidly. His breath is shallow and I notice a bulge in his pants. “Thank you,” he whispers. Trent leans in further and softly kisses my mouth. With a small movement he sweeps his tongue over my lips and gently probes to open my mouth.

  His kiss becomes fevered. Trent moves his body closer to me. He slides his hands from my cheeks, down my arms and to my waist.

  He lifts me to sit on him, and I can feel his erection pressing into me. “Trent,” I sigh. I can’t give him sex. It’s not what I want. It’s way too early for that. But Trent continues to kiss me, his body engulfing mine. “Trent, please,” I beg as I push on his chest.

  “You’re my girlfriend now, Lily. This is what we do to show each other how much we love one another.”

  Love? Love? What? “Trent.” I use more strength to push him away, but he’s much stronger than me. “Please, I’m not ready.”

  “Come on. I love you. Don’t you love me?” He keeps kissing me, his mouth moving away from my mouth down my neck. He’s sucking, licking and nibbling on the exposed skin. His left hand leaves my hip, and he starts to fondle my breast.

  “Trent, please,” I say. But it comes out more like I’m begging him with a whine. “Don’t.”

  He stops kissing me, and pushes me off him. I fall backward and look at Trent, who’s already up and standing in front of me. “Fine,” he says with a fierce fire. He takes a step back and sits on his bed. Picking up my university offers he looks at the names of the three and tosses two on the floor beside my feet. “This is the one I’m going to, so this is the one you’re going to.” He holds it up showing me the name of the university. “You better go help Mom with dinner, I heard her calling you.” He stands, turns his back to me and goes to the far side of the room.

  “Are you angry with me?” I ask as I stand to my feet and take a step toward him.

  “No.”

  “Then why are you so short with me?”

  “You’re a prick tease, Lily. You flutter your eyes, and kiss me, begging me to take you. Then, when I want to fuck you, you back away.

  What? “When did I do that?”

  “Just now. But don’t worry about it. Just go help Mom.”

  I stand by the door and continue looking at him. Is that what I did? Did I indicate I wanted sex? I lower my eyes to the floor, not really sure how I did that.

  “Just go,” he says again, but still hasn’t turned to look at me.

  “I don’t want you mad with me. I’m sorry, I didn’t know that’s what I was doing,” I beg, as I take a few steps toward where he’s standing.

  “Whatever,” he spits, his back to me. “Just go.”

  “I can’t go knowing you’re angry with me.” I reach him and put my hand on his back.

  Trent turns to look at me and my eyes are immediately drawn to the bulge in his pants. “Yeah, this is what you did and now you just want to leave. I’ve now gotta go to the bathroom and jack off, all while you’re down stairs probably laughing and thinking how funny it is to give me a hard-on and walk out.”

  “I’m not like that. I don’t know why you’re saying that.” Tears begin to cloud my eyes, and I feel so terrible for him.

  “You’re my girlfriend, Lily. If you’re not gonna let me fuck you, the least you can do is jack me off or suck me.” I stand looking at Trent. “It’s only a blowjob. All the girls are doing it. Hell, my friends are all having sex with their girlfriends. You owe me at least a blowjob.”

  I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do that, but what if he gets madder with me for not doing it. I don’t even know how to do what it is he wants. “I’m not sure,” I finally say, as I look away from him.

  “Just get on your knees and I’ll do the rest.” He stands in front of me, stroking himself through his jeans. His erection is really big and I don’t want to do this, but he said all the girls are doing even more to their boyfriends.

  I slowly sink to my knees, and Trent takes his penis out of his pants. I feel tears burn in my eyes. I don’t want to do this, but if I don’t, he’ll be angry at me. I close my eyes tight.

  “Open your mouth, sweetheart.”

  I open my mouth, and do what Trent wants me to do.

  It’s been three days since I did what Trent wanted, and he’s had me do it again every day since. I don’t like doing it, but I hate it when Trent gets angry at me. Last night he said I must be stupid if I don’t do it, because all the smart girls are doing it.

  “Good morning, dear,” Mrs. Hackly says as I come into the kitchen.

  “Good morning, ma’am. Can I help you with breakfast?” I always ask and she always says no. Sometimes I lay awake at night and still hear her doing things around the house. I often want to ask her if she needs help, but she always says no.

  “No, breakfast is ready. Sit, and I’ll bring it to you.”

  I have an overwhelming urge to hug her. She’s the first woman who has ever acted like a mother figure to me. I wrap my arms around her and cuddle her. But Mrs. Hackly lets out a cry, like I’ve squeezed her too tight and she’s in pain.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, immediately unwrapping my arms and stepping back to look at where I’ve hurt her.

  “Oh no, it’s not you, dear. Last night as I was putting Mr. Hackly’s laundry away, I backed into the door handle and it hit me here on the ribs,” she says as she quickly puts the plate of pancakes down on the table.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, concerned I’ve hurt her further.

  “Yes.” She smiles at me, though her eyes say something else. Or maybe, they aren’t saying anything. Maybe they’re just devoid of any kind of emotion. Mrs. Hackly looks flustered and slightly awkward. “How about on the weekend you can help me cook for the barbeque?” She says, as she goes over to the sink to stack the dishwasher.

  “I don’t really know how to cook; but if you’re willing to teach me, I’d love to learn.”

  “I’m more than happy to teach you.” She looks over her shoulder at me and smiles again.

  Trent comes into the kitchen, followed by Mr. Hackly. “Good morning,” I say to both of them. Trent comes around and leans down to kiss me deeply. This is the first morning he’s been so passionate with me in front of his parents. I pull away, not really wanting hi
s parents to see. Because if they see him kissing me like this, maybe they’ll guess what else we’ve done.

  “Babe,” Trent says as he sits beside me and puts his hand on my thigh. “Hope you slept okay. I know I did,” he says and winks at me. Trent looks over my shoulder to his dad, and I turn to see his dad smirking at him.

  I feel so disgusting. Like a dirty, used girl. I can tell by his dad’s reaction, Trent told him what I did. I’m so humiliated and embarrassed. Lowering my head, I look at my plate and wish the world could crack open and swallow me whole.

  “Did Mom tell you, there’s a family barbeque on Saturday?” Trent asks, as he squeezes my thigh. I nod my head, too afraid to say anything in case I crack and begin to cry. “You alright, babe?”

  Silently, I nod again.

  “You okay, Lily?” Mrs. Hackly asks.

  “Leave her be,” Mr. Hackly barks at her, and in my peripheral vision I see her take a step back and continue stacking the dishwasher.

  “Here, babe. You have to eat. Get your strength up.” Trent puts a pancake on my plate, but his tone was almost comical.

  “Thank you,” I respond, still too embarrassed by the entire situation.

  “Trent told me you want to get a job,” Mr. Hackly says. I look to him and he’s happily eating his pancakes.

  “Yes, Sir. I’d like a job until Trent and I go to college. Save some money so I’ll have it in case I need anything.”

  “That’s a mighty fine idea, Lily. I can set up an interview with the grocery store. I know the manager there, she’s a nice woman,” he says as he lifts his eyebrows at me.

  “Thank you, I’d appreciate it.”

  “Good, consider it done.” He keeps eating, and when he stands to leave, Mrs. Hackly quickly takes his plate.

  “Have a good day,” he announces to all of us as he leaves. “I won’t be home for dinner.”

  I turn to look at Mrs. Hackly, and I notice her shoulders drop just marginally. “Okay,” she says without questioning him.

  Trent and I finish, and I go to brush my teeth. When I’m through, I meet Trent by the front door so we can walk to the bus stop together.

  “Is there an occasion for the barbeque?” I ask Trent as he walks beside me, holding my hand.

  “It’s Uncle John’s birthday. Every year we go to their place for lunch. Mom usually cooks a few dishes, and we just have a good day. He’s got a pool so we spend the day in it and just chill.”

  “I don’t know how to swim.”

  “You’ll be helping the women in the kitchen.”

  “I will?”

  “Yeah, that’s what the women do, and then we all eat, and the women go in and clean the kitchen and get dessert ready.”

  “Oh,” I say. It sounds so backward, like things were in the 1950s. But what would I know? I’ve never been around functioning families before. Maybe this is normal. “You once said your dad came from a big family. How big is it?”

  “Dad has four brothers, and two sisters. But we only talk to Uncle John and Uncle Martin. Dad fought with everyone else, so we don’t talk to them.”

  “And your mom?”

  “She doesn’t talk to any of her family, I don’t know why.”

  “Does she have any friends?”

  Trent laughs. A big belly laugh. “No way. She’s got no time for friends.”

  We keep walking, hand in hand toward the bus stop. This morning’s humiliation is really prominent in my mind. “Trent, can I ask you something?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why did you embarrass me this morning?”

  “Embarrass you? How?”

  Heat is rising through my body as I become mortified by Trent outing me like he did at breakfast. “You know, by saying what you said at breakfast?”

  “My dad knows,” he says casually.

  “What?” I whisper. “Please don’t say that. I’m so embarrassed.”

  “He asked me if I’d had sex with you, told me to wear a rubber so I don’t get you pregnant. I told him you’re too frigid for that. He said now you’re my girlfriend and I should just take what’s mine.”

  “What?” I mumble. Now I’m completely horrified.

  “Well, you are my girlfriend now, and like I said, all the other girls are doing it. Some of them are even letting their boyfriends put their cocks in their asses. I haven’t asked you to do that yet, and I think I’ve been fairly patient with you. But if you don’t give it to me soon, I might just have to go to someone else to get it.”

  “But…” I don’t say anything else, because I don’t understand.

  “You know I love you, Lily, but I really can’t wait forever before you decide to give up your virginity.” He stops walking and pulls me to a stop too. “You are a virgin, right?” he angrily asks.

  “Yeah, I am.”

  “Good, because if you weren’t, I’d have to kick you out and dump your ass.” He leans in and kisses me on the cheek then starts walking again.

  “Oh, um… okay.”

  The bus approaches just as we reach the bus stop. Trent gives me a kiss then whispers in my ear, “I can’t wait until my cock is deep inside you.”

  I pull away and get on the bus, not really saying anything. Truthfully, I feel disgusted by the entire situation. If Trent goes to another girl to get what he needs, maybe he’ll dump me. And I’m not pretty enough, or smart enough to be able to cope on my own. My dad told me I better learn how to suck a man’s penis, because I’ll never be good at anything else.

  Maybe he was right.

  My phone has been buzzing in my pocket all through English. But Mrs. Richards has a rule in her class, if you’re on your phone, you lose it. Up until recently, I never had to worry about that. But since Trent gave me the phone, he’s always sending me messages. And sometimes he gets angry if I don’t answer them right away.

  It has not stopped vibrating against my leg and I know it must be Trent. I don’t want him angry with me, so I ask to go to the bathroom.

  When I get out of the classroom, I look at the screen and see I have twenty missed calls from both Trent, and Trent’s dad. When Trent moved me in, Mr. Hackly put his number in the phone and said I can call him if I need anything.

  The phone starts ringing again and this time it’s Mr. Hackly. “Hello,” I answer it quietly.

  “When I, or my son, call you, I expect you to answer it promptly. Understand?”

  “Yes, sir, but I’m in class.”

  “I don’t care. I got you an interview at the grocery store straight after school this afternoon. The manager’s name is Stacey, and she’ll be waiting for you at four. Do you need a lift getting there? I can come get you,” he says into the phone.

  The hairs on my arms stand and I involuntarily scrunch my nose. “I’m okay, thank you. There’s a bus that will get me there.”

  “You know which store, right? I can come get you,” he instantly says.

  A shudder of ice rips up my spine. The sooner I can get some money together, the better. I’m not ungrateful, truly I’m not. I just think it would better if I found a studio apartment on my own. “Thank you, but I’m okay.” I tuck some hair behind my ear as it limply falls over my face.

  “Make sure you look presentable. She’s a good friend of mine and I told her you’re a good kid. Don’t disappoint me, Lily.”

  “No, Sir. I won’t.”

  He hangs up without saying another word and I walk back into my English class.

  At lunch, I sit at a table on my own, and I eat the sandwich Mrs. Hackly has prepared for me. As I’m looking over my math homework, Audrey, one of the popular girls, comes and stands in front of me. “Hey,” she says to get my attention. I look up from my math homework and smile at her. “Are you going out with Trent Hackly?” she asks. There are four of them standing together in their designer clothes, with their perfect hair, flawless make-up and incredibly low vocabulary.

  “Yeah,” I say as my gaze flows among the four girls.

  Trisha and C
andy laugh, while Audrey quickly sends them a dangerous scowl. The fourth is holding in a laugh, though her face betrays her. “He’s going out with you?” she asks condescendingly. She looks down her nose at me and sneers.

  “Yeah,” I say again, but my voice is so small.

  “Must be good a lay,” Audrey snorts to the other three girls as she turns her back and walks away.

  What a nasty person. But what does she mean by that? I know I’m not pretty, and I don’t look anything like those girls, but what does she mean?

  I quietly sit and eat my lunch, but I’m distracted by Audrey and her words. Ordinarily, she’s not a nice person. She’s horrible, a bully. And one day it’ll come back and bite her on the butt, but her words have cut straight through me.

  All these years I’ve been invisible – a shadow, simply walking behind everyone else. No one knew me. And I liked it that way, because it meant no one got close to me. If I had no emotional connections to anyone, they couldn’t ask me questions. They couldn’t see who I was. I was just the girl everyone ignored.

  But now I have someone’s attention. And I don’t want it. I don’t want the looks, the laughs, the pointing, or the stares that come with hormonal teenage girls who are naturally nasty.

  “Hi, I’m Lily Anderson and I’m here to see the store manager, Stacey,” I say to one of the girls working the front counter at the supermarket.

  The girl looks at me with a smile and says, “I’ll call her down.” Her name badge reads ‘Shayne’ and she seems really friendly. And beautiful. Her hair is long and a rich mahogany, and she has the biggest, brownest eyes I’ve ever seen.

  “Thank you,” I say as I step back and adjust my school bag on my shoulder.

  Shayne calls Stacey then looks over at me. “You here for an interview?” she asks.

  “Yeah, I am.”

  She looks over her shoulder then whispers, “She likes hard-working people.” Then she winks at me.

  I smile at her, feeling comfortable already. Strange, because I don’t feel comfortable around anyone. Except for Mrs. Hackly, I like her. Even Trent doesn’t let me fully relax. Something about him niggles away at me.