Consensual

by Evan Placey

  At the same time:

  (Off.) The hot water takes a few seconds to come on, well, more than, more like more like forty-five seconds so just gotta keep at it, or you can boil the kettle. But I usually just wait it out. The landlord keeps saying there’s nothing he can do, ‘can’t control the weather, pipes get cold’ but it’s nothing to do with the, it shouldn’t really take forty-five seconds to get some hot water, which actually is rather lukewarm. I only did laundry this morning so none of that’s dry, so trying to find, I usually turn the heat off when I go out. Are you cold? I can turn on the heat, I only just got in so I haven’t – it’s just by the sink, the boiler, there’s a little – I can do it in a second.

  DIANE enters with a pink hoodie and matching sweatpants.

  Sorry, it’s the only thing I thought would be big enough.

  (Seeing him.) Sorry, I didn’t –

  What are you drinking?

  FREDDIE. Calms my nerves. Is that alright? (Sips before she can answer.)

  Sorry. I shouldn’t just take your stuff without asking. Sorry, miss, are you angry?

  DIANE. No.

  I’ll um, put these here.

  She goes to exit.

  Heat.

  Goes quickly to boiler, turns on heat, without looking at FREDDIE who is standing a foot away by the sink, then exits again to the bedroom.

  He dries himself off with the towel. Slides off his wet underwear and puts on the sweatpants.

  Hangs the wet underwear on a kitchen-cupboard handle.

  You decent?

  FREDDIE. You’re alright.

  She re-enters. Averts gaze from his bare torso.

  DIANE. I’m going to make some coffee. Would you like some?

  FREDDIE. No you’re alright, miss.

  DIANE. Aren’t you chilly?

  He puts on the sweatshirt, she makes coffee. Tries not to make an issue of the fact she has to touch his underwear to open the cupboard. Checks her phone. Frustratingly, no one’s rung back.

  FREDDIE. Do I look a bit gay, miss?

  DIANE. It’s all I had. I decided to go all fairtrade, clothing where they actually – but quickly I realised that you can’t really shop anywhere and by then I’d thrown out most of my clothes, well, donated, so.

  FREDDIE. But I mean do you reckon if I was to walk down the street like this people’d think I was gay?

  DIANE. There’s nothing wrong with being gay.

  FREDDIE. Do you think I’m gay?

  DIANE. A person’s sexuality is their business.

  FREDDIE. Do you think my sexuality is gay?

  DIANE. No.

  FREDDIE. Even if you met me wearing this?

  DIANE. A pink suit wouldn’t make you gay.

  FREDDIE. No, but would you think I was gay?

  DIANE. No.

  FREDDIE. Even dressed like this?

  DIANE. Yes even dressed like that.

  FREDDIE. How do you know I’m straight though?

  DIANE. You’ve talked about your girlfriend.

  FREDDIE. But like the first time you met me, did you know my sexuality?

  DIANE. Yes.

  FREDDIE. Did you? How?

  DIANE. I don’t know. I just… knew.

  The kettle goes, she turns away.

  FREDDIE. You alright, miss?

  You’re not like

  Standing still.

  You should eat something. Sober you up quicker than coffee.

  Trust me.

  Think I saw in your

  Goes to cupboard where squash was and pulls out some biscuits. The kind with cream layer in the middle.

  Takes one for himself. Holds packet to her.

  Go on.

  She takes one. Holds it.

  DIANE. Why weren’t you at your exam yesterday?

  FREDDIE. I was.

  DIANE. Freddie, you’re in my flat. In the middle of the night. Eating my biscuits. You could at least do me the decency of telling me the truth.

  FREDDIE. I weren’t in the mindset.

  I can resit.

  DIANE. You should’ve come to me before. Before you didn’t sit it.

  FREDDIE. How’d you know I weren’t there?

  DIANE. I have eyes.

  FREDDIE. But you weren’t moderating the exam.

  Were you looking for me, miss? Checking up on me?

  Beat.

  That’s nice, miss. Well nice that you noticed. Sorry I lied.

  DIANE. I care about you, Freddie. I’m trying to help.

  FREDDIE. It was just the break-up with Charlie. Complicated innit? Messed with my head innit?

  DIANE. You should have come to me.

  FREDDIE. Yeah, it’s just, it was sort of about you and that.

  DIANE. What does it have to do with me?

  FREDDIE. Can I have some more JD?

  I just still feel really wound up.

  He pours one, downs it, pours another, and also one for her. Hands it to her before she can object.

  Charlie asked me about the bracelet. (Holds up a string bracelet around his wrist.)

  DIANE. And you told her I gave it to you.

  FREDDIE. No. And that was part of it. Tried to make like I bought it but then she were asking lots of questions like where I bought it from, knew I was lying, so started accusing me of cheating on her with someone else.

  DIANE. Why didn’t you just tell her I gave it to you?

  FREDDIE. Dunno.

  Just thought. Like it’s our thing, you know?

  Like I’d have to explain how you said your mum used to make you a bracelet as a good-luck charm to help you focus, and that’s why you – but I’d be like telling your personal stuff about your family.

  DIANE. If that’s why she broke up with you, then tell her. I don’t mind. Really.

  FREDDIE. But I don’t want to. I like that it’s this thing that just you and I know. The bracelet. Something you gave specially for me. And it’s kinda more special if it’s a secret.

  You said that didn’t you, about the bracelet being a secret.

  DIANE. I don’t think that’s exactly what I said. It’s like, what it means to you, the fact that it’s good luck or meaningful or reminds you that you can do things or whatever it is you make it mean, then that’s, that’s the secret I guess, but the bracelet itself is not…

  Now I’m confusing myself.

  FREDDIE. No one ever gave me nothing before. Charlie never did. Always said it was for the boy to buy the girl stuff. And she’d always be on at me. Got a spray tan for her one time. Joined a gym for her. And she’d still be on at me like was I going and was I seeing results. Like I weren’t buff enough, like I had a shit body compared to other guys she could be with, you know?

  DIANE. You don’t have a shit body.

  FREDDIE. Do you think?

  DIANE. Anyway most girls will be interested in your… thoughtful personality.

  FREDDIE. Shit, that’s totally code for I have a shit body.

  DIANE. No.

  FREDDIE. That I’m bare ugly. ‘But he’s thoughtful.’

  DIANE. Freddie, no. You’ve got a very nice I was just trying to say that that’s not all that you have.

  FREDDIE. Thanks, miss.

  DIANE. And I think. Truthfully. That you’re better off without Charlie. That you might concentrate better on your studies, on your life.

  FREDDIE. Guess I’m just worried that after Charlie, even though I’m better off, no one would ever fancy me.

  DIANE. They will. There will be lots of girls that will fancy you. That I’m sure do.

  She bites into her cookie.

  FREDDIE. Do you fancy me, miss?

  That was a joke.

  What you doing? You can’t do it like that. You gotta lick the middle out first.

  DIANE. But then you don’t get the biscuit with the cream.

  FREDDIE. Yeah but then you don’t get the sugar high. And it don’t last as long.

  He takes the top off his cookie. Starts licking the centre. She watches.<
br />
  As a kid could make it last an hour. One biscuit. Cos knew I’d be sad when it was over. Just gotta go really slowly.

  Go on.

  DIANE. I’m alright.

  FREDDIE. You have to. Killing me knowing you ate it like that.

  She laughs. Takes another. They’re both licking the middle.

  DIANE. I feel stupid. I feel like I’m eight.

  FREDDIE. Good to feel like a kid sometimes.

  Beat. She drinks her Jack Daniels.

  DIANE. You never called your brother. Don’t you think you should call him? Tell him you’re here?

  FREDDIE has noticed her CD collection.

  FREDDIE. Hold up. You have CDs? No one buys CDs any more.

  Flips through them. Stops on one.

  Holy shit. ‘Under Pressure’? Can’t believe you have this. It’s like my favourite song.

  DIANE. How old are you?

  FREDDIE. My mum used to sing this to me.

  DIANE. Your mum?

  FREDDIE. We’d jump around to it together with our eyes closed.

  DIANE. Queen fan, huh?

  FREDDIE. More just Freddie Mercury fan. Why she named me Freddie?

  DIANE. Seriously?

  FREDDIE. This song. Him and David Bowie singing. David’s my middle name.

  DIANE. Freddie David.

  Our mums must’ve been alike. Named me after her favourite singer too.

  FREDDIE. Diana Ross or something?

  DIANE. I wish. John Mellancamp.

  FREDDIE. Your real name’s John?

  DIANE. No. She named my brother Jack.

  Jack and Diane?

  (Sings.) ‘A little ditty about Jack and Diane. Two American kids growin’ up in the heartland.’

  FREDDIE. You American?

  DIANE. No. She just liked the song.

  (Sings) ‘Oh yeah life goes on. Long after the thrill of living is gone.’

  Bit weird really. Brother and sister. Specially since the first verse is Jack fingering Diane.

  (Laughs.) Sorry. Ignore me.

  FREDDIE. Do you miss her?

  DIANE.…

  Every day.

  FREDDIE. Me too.

  Not like, not your mum. I didn’t know your mum.

  I meant

  DIANE. I know what you meant.

  FREDDIE. She why you work with fuck-ups like me?

  DIANE. Freddie.

  FREDDIE. I’m only joking, miss. But it was her, right? You told me she was a teacher.

  DIANE. Yeah.

  FREDDIE. She’d be proud of you. You’re a good person, miss. Diane. You’re a good person.

  Dunno, you like properly care. Do all this small stuff with your organic clothing, and volunteering and helping kids like me.

  DIANE. You make me sound like – it’s just small things. It’s nothing. Tiny imprints.

  FREDDIE. But all them tiny imprints eventually make a dent. What your mum said, right?

  DIANE. You remembered that.

  FREDDIE. Course. I remember everything you say.

  You know what the first thing I thought when I decided not to turn up to the exam? How I’d disappoint you.

  You’re better than our school, miss. Better than kids like me.

  DIANE. Freddie, if you only knew what – how much potential you have. And I know people throw that around, and it’s a cliché, but if you just applied yourself. If you only saw in you what I see in you.

  FREDDIE. Do I turn out alright, Diane? In the future? I try to see past school, and my dad, to when I’m like you, twenty-one

  DIANE. Twenty-two

  FREDDIE. Twenty-two, and I can’t see it. Do it turn out alright?

  DIANE. Yes.

  Pause.

  Let’s make this bed for you.

  Goes to start to make the couch into a pull-out bed.

  FREDDIE. It’s fine. I can just sleep on it like this.

  DIANE. You sure?

  FREDDIE. Yeah, slept on couches plenty of times.

  DIANE. Here’s some blankets.

  He takes off the hoodie. Stands in just the sweatpants.

  I can see if I have some pyjamas.

  FREDDIE. I’m alright.

  DIANE. Sure.

  FREDDIE. Why didn’t you tell your friend I was here?

  When she rang earlier?

  Pause.

  He holds the hoodie to his face.

  Smells like you.

  With a hint of me now.

  Beat.

  When I wank off I think about you sometimes.

  Most times.

  But can never quite conjure the smell.

  DIANE. Freddie.

  FREDDIE. Diane.

  He kisses her. She pulls away.

  DIANE. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.

  FREDDIE. Right.

  Right.

  Fuck.

  Shit.

  I’m always. Always.

  Feel like a right twat now.

  DIANE. You shouldn’t.

  FREDDIE. Stupid. Stupid to think you’d actually, fit like you, nice like you, would actually

  DIANE. Where are you going?

  FREDDIE gets his wet T-shirt. Puts it on.

  Freddie, don’t overreact.

  FREDDIE. Just a pussy like my dad said, why would you

  DIANE. Freddie, would you stop it

  FREDDIE. I’m so embarrassed.

  I thought you

  So stupid

  I actually thought you

  DIANE. I do! I do alright.

  I…

  Fuck.

  I look at you and I…

  Like the teachers, they don’t, and the men in bars, and the boring tax guys or finance guys who are always the ones it seems that end up chatting me up, they don’t

  But you. You do. You make me

  So it’s not that I don’t

  It’s that I do. I do.

  I wish you didn’t come over tonight. Because I want you to be here.

  So I wish you hadn’t. Do you understand?

  I’m trembling. I’m actually…

  You’re a hurricane you are.

  A fucking hurricane.

  And I’m gonna be the wreckage.

  He goes to her. Holds her shaking hands.

  She kisses him forcefully.

  It’s suddenly going very fast.

  Pulling each other’s clothes off. Touching bodies. Months of built-up tension unleashed.

  Have you

  FREDDIE. Yeah. I’m not a virgin.

  He goes down on her.

  Her mobile phone rings.

  It fleetingly catches her attention from across the room but she ignores it.

  You don’t know how long I’ve thought about this.

  Can I fuck you?

  Diane, can I fuck you?

  DIANE. Yes.

  Do you have a condom?

  FREDDIE. I’ll pull out.

  DIANE. You don’t have one in your wallet or something?

  FREDDIE. I’ll pull out. Trust me. I’ve done it before.

  DIANE. Okay.

  They begin having sex.

  The rain begins pelting the windows.

  Outside somewhere a metal bin crashes to the ground or the wind slams an unlatched gate door.

  FREDDIE. Does that feel good?

  Diane, does that feel good?

  It does but she doesn’t answer.

  I wanna cum inside you.

  DIANE. Don’t.

  FREDDIE. Please.

  DIANE. No.

  FREDDIE. Does that feel good?

  Diane, does that feel good?

  Miss?

  DIANE. Yes.

  He continues penetrating her then suddenly stops.

  FREDDIE. I came.

  I came inside you.

  DIANE. You what?

  FREDDIE. Put your fingers inside and feel if you don’t believe me.

  He pulls the sweatpants back on. She remains where she is, frozen, feeling violated. Unable to mo
ve.

  FREDDIE starts eating a biscuit. He watches the rain.

  Long silence.

  DIANE exits to the bedroom.

  FREDDIE sits on the couch, under a blanket.

  Turns on the TV. Flicks. Stops on a programme, occasionally laughs.

  The phone begins to ring.

  DIANE re-emerges in a robe. Answers the phone.

  DIANE. Hello… Suzanne, hi… no, it’s fine. I was awake… what?… I… sorry, I realise it must have seemed. Urgent. Me leaving a voicemail in the middle of the night. I just. It can wait till Monday. It was just about. The inset day. Sorry, I wasn’t really. Thinking… I’m sure, nothing urgent. Speak Monday… goodnight.

  FREDDIE. This is completely mental. Have you seen this?

  He laughs at the TV.

  Pause.

  He gets up, starts to get dressed again in his wet clothes.

  I was thinking I should probably go home. Dad’ll be passed out by now. Prob have forgotten everything by the morning. Looks like it’s barely raining now anyway.

  But thanks for the clothes. And the biscuits.

  See you on Monday I guess. (Exits through the back sliding door.)

  Pause.

  She turns on the garden light. He’s gone.

  She opens the back door. It’s still raining, but much lighter now.

  She goes outside. Lets the rain wash over her. Staring out into the darkness beyond.

  End.

  EVAN PLACEY

  Evan Placey is a Canadian-British playwright who grew up in Toronto and now lives in London, England. His plays include Mother of Him (Courtyard Theatre; winner of the King’s Cross Award for New Writing, RBC National Playwriting Competition, Canada, and the Samuel French Canadian Play Contest); Banana Boys (Hampstead Theatre); Suicide(s) in Vegas (Canadian tour; Centaur Theatre Award nomination); Scarberia (Forward Theatre Project/York Theatre Royal); How Was It For You? (Unicorn Theatre); Holloway Jones (Synergy Theatre Project/schools tour/Unicorn Theatre; winner of the Brian Way Award 2012 for Best Play for Young People; Writers’ Guild Award nomination); Girls Like That (Synergy/Unicorn Theatre; first produced and commissioned by Birmingham Repertory Theatre, Theatre Royal Plymouth and West Yorkshire Playhouse; winner of the Writers’ Guild Award for Best Play for Young Audiences) and Pronoun (National Theatre Connections). Work for radio includes Mother of Him (BBC Radio 3/Little Brother Productions).

  Evan is a Creative Fellow and Lecturer at the University of Southampton, and also teaches playwriting to young people for various theatres, and also in prisons.

  A Nick Hern Book

  Consensual first published in Great Britain as a paperback original in 2015 by Nick Hern Books Limited, The Glasshouse, 49a Goldhawk Road, London, W12 8QP