by Renee Simons
"Are you implying I have a death wish?"
"Not exactly, but you do - how did that bloke Wolfe say it - 'push the outside of the envelope?' You court danger, testing the limits of each situation, as if you wanted to see how far you could go before some thing or someone gave way. I've hated that, hated that you always insist on getting in the line of fire. But you can't help it, I guess. It's part of who you are. And that's why my country would be right for you.
"It would let you, even force you toward those limits by the distances, the open space and the extremes. You'd need all your resourcefulness, strength and determination to make a life and a living. Those are the worthwhile struggles, as far as I'm concerned, that leave you with concrete results at the end of the day."
"I'll see concrete results here, too, Ethan."
"If you manage to survive." She started to leave. "Don't do that."
"What?"
"Don't run away. Stay and face me. And yourself."
"How can I face you while telling you the opposite of what you want to hear?"
"Try."
Anger sparked in her eyes for a moment and her cheeks flushed, but she held her place. "Knowing that you still care for me, even after finding out what you have, means the world to me. But you deserve better and more than I can give. There will come a time when what I can give won't be enough. And to tell you the truth, that scares hell out of me." Tears filled her eyes and she added, "So maybe we'd just better call things off right now."
"Do you love me?" he softly asked.
"Yes."
"Do you know that I love you?"
"I know."
"Well, know this, too. You have everything it would take to make me happy. Anything you can't bring to a relationship, I'll supply or do without. The only thing I can't supply for you is the courage to give it a go. That's something you're going to have to find somewhere inside of yourself. I've seen plenty of proof it's there. All you have to do is tap into it, the way you have over and over in order to survive."
He ran this fingers through his hair and leaned back against his pillow. "I won’t ask again. There's a limit to how much punishment I'm willing to take.”
There seemed little to say when he'd finished, so Jordan left. His words stayed with her, haunting her, because they echoed what she’d already thought in the quiet moments without distractions to keep her from facing her true feelings.
His invitation to "come along" to Australia contained an implicit hope that they would eventually become more than friends. Wracked with doubt and insecurity, with the fear that letting someone get as close as he wanted to be would end in more pain than she could handle, she had no answers for herself or for Ethan. Worse yet, she couldn't predict when she would.
Chapter 15
Vito met her at the nurse’s station. "Could you come with me, Miss?"
"Why?"
"The boss wants to see you before he goes on the stand tomorrow."
Why not, she thought with a shrug. "Sure, I've got a few minutes."
Vito pointed to the closed door whose sign read "Private," ushered her inside, then left them. Terence stood with his arm around a woman as they looked out the window.
She cleared her throat and the couple turned toward her. "Candi, this is Melissa's daughter."
The woman walked toward her, a tall, slender and serene looking champagne blond with large eyes in a thin face. She held out a hand. "I'm Candi Conlon. Your mother and I were good friends many years ago."
Because of what she'd heard about the woman's physical and emotional state, Jordan was surprised to see her.
"Candi knew I needed her, so she left the sanitarium and came here to be with me." Once again, Terence put an arm around his wife and held her against his side. "We're going away together as soon all this is over. Maybe we can have a few good years."
"So you've been granted immunity." He nodded. "Will you go into the witness protection program?"
"No. We'll find ourselves a secluded villa somewhere and put in a good security system. We'll do fine on our own."
"I refuse to live as a prisoner any longer than I already have," Candi said.
"I don't understand," Jordan said.
"First we lived in dread that Terry would be exposed as a government agent, like your poor father was. Then we feared the government would go after him for switching sides and finally that Tony would turn against him. I've never known true freedom in all the years we've been married. Enough's enough."
"Why did you switch sides, Terence?" He didn't answer. "If that's too personal, I'll withdraw the question."
"He was protecting me," Candi said. "I was a regular at a private gaming club run by your Uncle Dino." Tears filled her eyes. "I got in so deep the mob threatened to go to my father. Terry convinced your uncle to be patient, that eventually, I'd repay my debts.
"Terry appointed himself my personal knight errant, repeatedly putting himself between me and the bosses. By the time my father passed away we were too firmly entrenched in mob business to break away."
"You're not afraid Tony’s people will come after you?"
"If there are any left after the Feds mop up, the security system will take care of them."
"But won't that be like being a prisoner living under guard?"
"Not when we've picked them and we make the rules."
"It's all over, then?" she asked with a sigh. "Our job is done?"
"Yes, my dear. So you can go on with your life. I hope it will be with Caldwell."
"How will I know you're okay?"
"I've hired Wallace Patterson to handle our legal affairs. He'll know how to get in touch with us."
"Would you tell me why my uncle turned his anger against me? I was an innocent bystander, and an innocent child. What happened to the code of honor that should have protected me - as well as my mother?"
A strange expression passed over Conlon's features, one she couldn't identify. After a long silence, he replied, "You were not a child but a symbol of his humiliation. Your mother became his enemy by introducing a viper into his nest. Your parents' betrayal cut so deep he saw it as a threat to his position and power. Therefore, you all had to be punished, quickly and so thoroughly no one would ever again attempt to undermine him. It worked."
Jordan’s eyes filled with tears at his dispassionate recital of her family's destruction, but she could find nothing to say.
"I'm sorry to be so blunt," he said. "But it's time you knew it all." He reached out and passed his hand gently down the side of her cheek. "Now you can move on. That's what we plan to do."
He and his wife turned back toward the window as Jordan closed the door behind her.
At the house, she turned her key in the lock and reached for the doorknob. Inside, an envelope waited for her on the hall table. She took it with her to her room. There, she kicked off her shoes and went to the window seat, stretching her legs out and examining the contents - a passport with her name and photo and a visitor's visa to Australia. Included was a round trip ticket routed from New York to Los Angeles to Sydney, with a two-night layover in Tahiti. Last of all, was a note from Ethan.
"Dominique worked her bureaucratic magic to get the passport and visa," the note said. "As for the ticket, you will see that the flight is scheduled for one week from today. It's for an open-ended round trip, so you have a way of getting back here, if things don't work out to your satisfaction. I have no doubt they'd work out to mine - but only if you decide to come with me, and to stay.
"I love you, but I won't see you again, unless we catch each other up at the airport. I've moved out of the house and will stay with Kevin and Lacey until it's time to leave. If this is the end of the road for us, remember I'll miss you and I'll never forget you - Ethan."
She folded the note and slipped it inside her passport, before the hot tears rolling down her cheeks smeared the ink on words she might come to cherish in days and nights to come. She'd earned the right to cry. With her knees to her chest and her
arms wrapped around her legs she made no attempt to stem the flood.
Resting before the fireplace in Drew's study, she watched the flaming logs and thought about Ethan, as she had every day since they’d parted. He surprised her by coming into the room and sitting on the hassock where her feet rested.
"I thought you went back up to the Cape."
“Not yet.” He reached over and lightly touched the bandage on her cheek. "You'll have a scar, I'm afraid."
"Does that bother you?"
"Nothing about you could ever bother me." He took her hand and pressed it his lips, the warmth of his kiss heating her blood. "Except leaving you behind when I go home. I came to find out if you've considered my invitation."
"Enough to know I can't go with you."
"Are you sure?"
"There are things that need doing here. That need settling."
"But Volpe's dead. Your father's name has been cleared and so has mine. Drew's book will have a slam-bang finish and you helped make all of it happen. Even Conlon is about to start a new life. What's left to do?"
"I need time to figure out where I'm going next. How I want to get there. A new environment would make finding my way more difficult. Entering into a relationship before I'm ready would make it impossible. And I don't think I'm ready."
He rose and went to the fireplace, standing with his back to her as the flames formed a flickering backdrop for his long, spare body. He spoke in a tone heavy with resignation.
"When I'm settled I'll send you my address. Would that be okay?"
She walked over to him. He turned and she touched his cheek where a new beard had begun to grow. "I'd like that, but I know there's someone back there waiting for you. When you find her you'll forget all about me."
He folded his strong arms around her and kissed her, his lips warm and gentle yet insistent, telling her without words of his hunger, his need, his understanding. She felt it all and more - a familiar stirring deep within her, a whisper of something even more precious than the gift he'd already given her.
He released her and stared into her eyes. "No, love. There's someone waiting for you."
Behind them, Drew cleared his throat. Ethan turned. "Hey, Andy. Came to say my good-byes and pick up the rest of my stuff."
"When are you leaving?"
"Early in the morning."
"Taking anything with you besides clothes? Someone special, perhaps?"
"No such luck." He gave Jordan another long look and clapped Drew on the shoulder. "Watch out for her." And then he was gone.
They stared after him for a few moments. She turned back to the fire, swatting at tears she could not suppress. Drew stood beside her and rested an arm on the mantel. "You love each other, don’t you? So why aren't you going with him?"
"It wouldn't be fair to him."
"I think you'd best explain."
She sighed. "I can't have children. If I went with him and we ended up together, he'd want them. I won't be responsible for depriving him of something so important."
"Have you ever discussed this with him?"
"Not exactly, although he knows about...the problem."
"Did you ever ask him how he feels about - the problem?"
"He might not care right now, but eventually he will. It would get in the way of our relationship. He might even come to hate me. I can't take that chance."
"Now, that's not fair. You're making a decision that affects both your lives without giving him a vote. Just as he did with me, until you set him straight."
"Maybe so, but he might feel obligated to vote for something he'll regret later. I want to protect him. More than anything, I want him to be happy. If I'm wrong, then so be it. It wouldn't be the first time."
She sounded so sure of herself and more in control of her feelings than she knew herself to be. Drew’s words had only rekindled the mental debate raging since her discussion with Dr. Torino. Was she protecting Ethan from unhappiness or herself from rejection?
* * *
She barely slept that night as conflicting emotions bombarded her and memories of all they’d shared hovered around her like loving ghosts. When she finally succumbed to fatigue, a new dream invaded her sleep. She saw herself wandering alone in the desert, a hot wind kicking up sand and sending it swirling around her as she walked. The sun blazed overhead, its glare blotting out all details of the country through which she walked.
Suddenly, as sometimes happens in dreams, the scene cleared. She looked around and noticed a tall tree whose wide branches shielded her from the intense light and heat. She stood beneath the tree with a hand on its paper smooth trunk, enjoying its strength and solidity. Outside the wide circle of shade the heat-blasted earth simmered. Inside, she smiled because she knew she had arrived where she was meant to be. When she woke in the morning she was still smiling.
* * *
Jordan called Kevin and Lacey's house where she got no answer and then the Pub where she discovered they’d left to drive a friend to New York City and weren't expected back until very late the next evening.
Why had he left Boston early, without giving her the opportunity to go with him? Had he changed his mind about wanting her along? Or had he just become tired of waiting for her to get off the fence? "Not that I'd blame him if he had," she remarked aloud.
She considered the problem and decided there was no reason to panic...yet. She still had time to take care of a couple of details and to pack before getting a reasonably good night's sleep. Tomorrow, there would be a shuttle to New York's JFK Airport and a two-hour layover before the departure for Los Angeles. She would find him then.
She called Terence to tell him what she was planning and then Gray Hamill to ask him to handle the disposing of her condo and its furnishings. "And the proceeds of the sale?" he asked.
"Set up an account for me at your bank. I'll call you and let you know where you can reach me, once I'm settled. We'll worry about transferring the money later on."
She had only to pack and enjoy a quiet dinner with Drew and the Willises. Restless with anticipation and concern that perhaps she'd made her decision too late, she fell asleep at around midnight, only to be awakened at five by a knock at her door.
"It’s Drew.” She opened the door.
“I just wanted to let you know that Logan International is socked in by fog; all flights were canceled. I called Conlon. In about twenty minutes, his chauffeur Vito will come get you to drive you to New York. If he can't get you there on time, nobody can."
"Thanks for your help, Drew."
"Do you want me to page Ethan at JFK Airport at around ten o'clock and tell him what's happened?"
"No. I want to surprise him."
"Isn't that a little risky? You might miss each other."
"I have to see his expression; that's the only way I'll know if I've made the right decision."
She dressed, grabbed her bags and ran downstairs.
"Has Drew come down yet?"
"He's in the library, dear. Should I bring you a bite to eat, some tea and orange loaf? You'll need something before you go."
"I don't think I'll have time."
Jordan found Drew at his desk. He looked up at her and grinned. "You couldn't have gotten all your things in two small bags."
"You'll have to send the rest when I get settled. Do you mind?"
"I'm just glad the two of you will be together. Do you have your passport and tickets?"
She nodded. "I don't know what to say, Drew."
"Don't say anything. You've given me more than I could ever repay." He took her hand. "Please keep in touch."
"Take very good care of yourself. If things don't work out, I’ll be back and I’ll need a job."
"I might have work for you even if they do. Now, best of luck and off you go."
Jordan was never quite sure whether the luck that rode with them was good or bad. It must have been good, she supposed, since they made the trip without a serious accident, despite Vito's penchant for cor
nering on two wheels and taking curves at the same speed that he drove the straight-away. It was bad, however, when she considered the fog that followed them all the way down to New York, the massive traffic jams on the bridges and a ten-car pile-up that turned the parkway out to the airport into a gigantic used car lot.
Jordan sat beside Vito in the front seat. They kept up a steady stream of talk for most of the trip, not only to relieve the boredom, as if traveling at seventy miles an hour left any room for boredom, but also to provide a distraction from Jordan's certain feeling that they would not make it in time. They knew they were in trouble when the topic of conversation turned to a debate over who had been the better ball player, Ted Williams or Joe DiMaggio, a debate that had raged for forty years and would go on for forty more.
At the terminal, they pulled into a spot at the curb to hand Jordan's luggage to a redcap. She waved good-bye to Vito, who started back to Boston, Jordan was sure, at exactly the same breakneck speed he'd used coming down to New York. According to Jordan's watch, she'd missed her flight; but fog seemed to be causing the same havoc in New York as it had in Boston. She hoped the plane was still sitting on the ground. It was, along with an entire day's schedule of flights.
She found the terminal packed with people sprawling on the hard plastic seats, sitting on everything from luggage to the floor or standing with noses pressed to the windows that looked out on the runways and planes still parked at their boarding gates,. All the snack bars, coffee shops and cocktail lounges were deep with would-be travelers trying to pass the time and make the best of a horrendous situation. So far, people were calm and relatively pleasant. Jordan didn't give that much hope if the delays continued.
She went down to her boarding gate and passed through the metal detector, then walked slowly down the ramp to the waiting area, where some three hundred people duplicated the scene she'd just passed in the main terminal building. She looked around for a man towering above the milling crowds or someone asleep with his chin on his chest and long legs stretching before him. She found no one familiar and didn't know whether or not to be relieved. If he wasn't here, then where was he?
