Until Tomorrow

by Rosanne Bittner

  “Oh, these things take time, but I’m sure you’ll adjust quickly.”

  Stuart Collingswood, a hefty man with white hair and mustache, stepped down from the carriage, offering his hand to Addy. She obliged, all the while feeling Cole Parker’s eyes on her from somewhere. “You’re a lovely addition to our city,” Collingswood told her as he helped her step down. “If you need anything, you just let me or Hester know.”

  Addy smiled. She liked Stuart Collingswood. He had kind blue eyes and seemed a genuinely nice man. He walked with her to the door and Addy thanked him and went inside. She waited a moment for the carriage to leave, then walked down the hallway to her room. She removed her gloves and laid them aside, seriously considering not going back out to talk to Cole. He was still a dangerous man … dangerous to her heart, her best interests.

  She walked to a window and looked out, left her room again and quietly stepped down the hallway. She looked into the dining room, saw a lantern lit in the kitchen beyond it. Ada was standing at a counter peeling potatoes, apparently unaware Addy had returned. She hurried to the door then and stepped outside, closing the door quietly and walking off the porch. She moved out of the light of oil lamps that hung on the front porch. “Cole?” she called softly.

  A horse whinnied nearby. “Over here,” Cole spoke up to her left.

  Addy turned, walked toward the voice, then gasped when he suddenly stepped out from a thick shrub. He grasped her arms and drew her farther away. “Quite a party they had for you.”

  She suddenly felt a little sorry for him for the mere fact that she was suddenly getting celebrity attention from Central’s elite, while Cole Parker had to hide in the shadows and couldn’t even let himself be seen with her. She well understood what a lonely man he was, but she reminded herself that feeling sorry for a man was no excuse for letting him have his way with her. “Yes. Most of them are actually quite boring, but they did pay my way here, and they have given me a home and a job and have been very gracious.” She caught the scent of whiskey on his breath, and she pulled away from him. “What do you want, Cole?” He sighed, but she could not see his eyes. Was he angry? Insulted? Or perhaps he thought that if he got her off alone again …

  “I wasn’t even going to come to Central,” he answered. “But I got to thinking.”

  “About what a cruel and thoughtless thing it was to just ride off like that back at the stage station, after what you’d done to me in the shed?”

  Cole felt stunned and angry. “Why don’t you let me finish what I had to say?”

  “Because I’ve heard it all,” Addy answered. “You’re lonely. I’m lonely. We became good friends. None of those reasons is good enough for allowing ourselves to …” She turned away. “I can imagine what you think of me. The first time was one thing, but to let it happen again … You half forced me the second time, Cole, then just rode away. I could almost hear you laughing at me! Now I have this guilt to live with, facing people like those tonight, people who think I’m a prim, proper lady, people who—”

  He grabbed her arms and turned her to face him. “You still are prim and proper! You know goddamn well I’d never think less of you for any of it, and you also know I never forced you to do a damn thing! We wanted each other, needed each other, but we’re not right for each other. That’s not the end of the world, Addy. It doesn’t even mean we don’t love each other.”

  She yanked herself away. “Don’t talk about love. It’s a little late for that. We both know we didn’t know our own minds. I still don’t! I’m just getting oriented, Cole, meeting people, trying to think about my teaching, trying to … forget about you, because I know it’s the wisest thing to do.”

  Cole let out a snicker of disgust. “Yes, let’s make sure we do what’s right and proper, Mrs. Kane! That’s why I’m here, to do what’s right. I rode off because I thought that was the right thing to do! I had complicated your life enough, without being able to say I was ready to settle, or to say that I loved you, or to be able to give up the kind of life I’ve been leading. I couldn’t promise I could find decent work, or that I could quit drinking.”

  “That’s obvious! I can smell it on your breath! And where have you been staying while you’re here? I suppose with some fancy painted woman in town!”

  The air hung silent for a moment. “That bother you?”

  Addy bristled. It was not supposed to bother her. This man did not belong to her and never could. “No! It only makes me understand that you are not the kind of man a decent woman considers caring about. In fact, you’re the kind of man who destroys decent women and makes them ashamed of what they’ve done.”

  They both talked heatedly but in a near whisper for fear someone would hear.

  “Damn you!” Cole growled. “Why don’t you let me finish what I came here to say.”

  “Then say it and go! Go! You keep riding out of my life, Cole, telling me each time that it’s ended, that you’ll never see me again. I’m left alone to try to figure out what happened to me, who I am, what I should do. Each time you go I feel more lost and lonely and confused than before. And just when I begin to adjust and think I can go on with my life, save some of my dignity, you show up again, and I never quite know why. I hope you don’t think that you can just get me off in the dark and have a good time with me in the grass. In spite of what I’ve allowed to happen between us, I’m not that kind, Cole, and you know it!”

  “Of course I know it!” He grasped her arms again. “How many times do I have to tell you that you’re no less honorable and good in my eyes than the day I saw you in the bank at Unionville? And let’s not forget who saved you from Jack Slater’s bed! And for God’s sake, woman, you saved my life! There are some special things between us that we’ll never forget, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  Addy closed her eyes, hating him, loving him. “Finish it, Cole. You said you just wanted to explain why you needed to see me again.”

  He squeezed her arms gently before letting go of her. “Like I said, I got to thinking … about what we did, and the fact that we … you know. We weren’t very careful. I started worrying I’d left you in a bad way. You could have gotten out here and discovered you were carrying.”

  Addy almost groaned at the words, words that only reminded her how brazen and careless and lustful she had been. She turned away and rubbed at her forehead. “I’m all right,” she answered quietly. “You didn’t … leave me in a bad way, as you put it.” She heard him emit a deep sigh of relief. She wondered if he was relieved for her sake, or for his own. “I guess I should be grateful you bothered.”

  “Addy, it’s not a bother when it’s for you. I would have done the right thing by you.”

  But not because you really would have loved me, she thought.

  I love you, Addy, were his thoughts at the same moment. Why couldn’t he tell her? But then why should he? She didn’t know her own heart, except to feel they weren’t right for each other. And what did he have to offer? Nothing. He couldn’t even trust these feelings of love, because the real Cole Parker was Nick Coleman, and he had lost the real Nick Coleman somewhere years ago—the Nick Coleman who farmed, tried to raise a little girl without her mother.

  “I’ll always care about you, Addy. I hope you find some man who’ll be the kind of husband you deserve.”

  Addy turned to face him in the moonlight, so handsome and virile, so lonely. “Thank you for coming to make sure …” She had to look away. “What will you do now?”

  Cole rubbed at his neck. “I don’t know. I’m not even sure I’ll leave Central, but we’ll be moving in two very different circles, Addy, so don’t worry about running into me. Even if you did, I wouldn’t acknowledge that I know you. It was obvious when you passed me in that buggy this morning that you didn’t want that woman you were with to realize you knew me.”

  “Cole—”

  “That’s okay. I understand.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “I hope you find a goo
d life here, Addy.”

  She turned to him. “And I hope you find love and happiness again, Cole, wherever you go. Please try to stay away from what you left back there. You were a good man once, still are in most ways. You’ve got to stop letting the memories destroy you. Just ask yourself, would Bethanne and Patty be proud of me if they saw me now? Are they watching me from somewhere, crying over what I’ve become? If you can’t pull yourself out of the saloons and away from the whiskey and stay away from the outlaw life for yourself, then do it for them, Cole, in respect for their memory.”

  He only looked at her a moment, then leaned down and kissed her cheek. Addy felt the heat begin to stir deep inside again, but she forced herself not to let her mouth turn to meet his own.

  “Bye, Addy,” he said. He turned and walked away, and she heard the squeak of leather as he mounted Shadow. He rode close to her then, looking big and dangerous on that horse, every bit the Nick Coleman she had first met.

  “Good-bye, Nick,” she answered, suddenly only able to call him by his real name. He turned his horse. “Nick,” she called out. He halted Shadow, and she ran up to him, reaching up. He grasped her arm and hoisted her up in front of him. She flung her arms around him, and they kissed, a long, hot, hungry, painful kiss of a true good-bye, for this surely was the right thing to do, each go his and her separate ways … yet there would always be this sweet thing they had shared, something that simply had to be in order for each of them to survive and want to go on with life.

  The kiss lasted several long seconds, tongues exploring, hearts pounding, until finally Addy tore herself away. “Go now,” she whispered.

  His hand moved over her breasts as she slid off the horse, and Addy kept her back to him when he rode off. Finally, she put trembling fingers to her lips, closed her eyes and wept. This simply had to be the end of it.

  Sixteen

  Ethel Brown held her chin proudly as she marched into Hester Collingswood’s parlor, her heavy frame billowing through the double doors and causing the floorboards to creak wherever she stepped. “I wanted a moment with you, Hester. I know you’re busy today, but we should talk before the women’s group meeting tomorrow.” She faced Hester authoritatively, judging her to be much too trusting a woman. “Before Addy Kane has a chance to charm you even more, and to equally charm the rest of our group.”

  Hester frowned. “Whatever do you mean, Ethel?”

  Hester’s maid carried in a tray of tea and crackers, which Hester had already requested when it was announced Ethel had come visiting. Ethel waited until the tea was poured and Jenny was out of the room before continuing. “I mean that there is more to Mrs. Kane than meets the eye, as far as I am concerned. I am not so sure she is to be trusted.”

  Hester frowned in surprise. “Do sit down, Ethel.”

  The woman obliged, hardly able to fit between the coffee table and love seat that Hester offered. “We must discuss this,” she reiterated, reaching over and pouring some milk into her tea. Hester joined her, remembering that last night at the reception, Ethel seemed a bit ruffled at the way her husband reacted when he set eyes on Addy. Hester supposed Addy was one of the prettiest women in Central, and Ethel Brown very well knew it. She had obviously decided that someone so young and pretty might only cause problems. “What are your concerns, Ethel?”

  Ethel sipped some of the tea, then leaned closer, lowering her voice. “Think about it, Hester. What do we really know about this woman? We only know what she has told us. Has any one of us talked to anyone back in Illinois who knew her? For all we know, she might have never been married, might not be a widow at all. Perhaps she was a soiled woman back there and came here to get away from a bad reputation. Who’s to say? Nowadays anyone can use the war as an excuse to run off and start life new someplace else.”

  Hester smiled softly and shook her head. “What difference does her past make, Ethel, if she is a good teacher and if she conducts herself properly while she’s here?”

  “Oh, Hester!” Ethel spoke the words scoldingly as she set her cup aside. “This woman will be teaching our children. Your sons are grown, but my daughter is fifteen and still impressionable. I intend to look a little deeper into the reputation of a woman who will be teaching her. Not only that, but it just doesn’t look good for such an attractive young woman to be working with six men!”

  “Ethel, I have spoken with Mrs. Kane quite a bit. Yesterday we had breakfast and shopped together. She seems quite sincere, intelligent and worthy. Why don’t we just let her teach and see how things go?”

  Ethel’s plump cheeks turned pinker with indignation. “It isn’t just her questionable past, Hester. I happen to agree with Mr. Rhodes that women should not teach at all. Teaching is a job for men. They can be firmer, can better control young people. I’m a woman, too, but it is my opinion that a female simply cannot learn and retain all that she should to be a good teacher. I know that Mrs. Kane went to Hope College in Michigan, which, I might add, is much too independent a thing for a young lady to do—going away alone to school like that. Be that as it may, a woman simply does not have the mental ability to learn as men do. How she managed to graduate from such a good college is beyond me. And there again, we have only her word. Maybe she did not graduate at all. Maybe she never even attended!”

  “Oh, Ethel, don’t be ridiculous,” Hester grumbled. “Anyone can see after talking to her only a little while that she is well educated and most certainly a fine lady.”

  Ethel sniffed. “I have my doubts, and I’ll tell you why.” Her dark eyes narrowed in that way the woman had of preparing to spring juicy gossip on someone. She folded her plump hands in her lap and held Hester’s full attention. “My suspicions about her reputation were only verified by a visit I got this morning from John Withers, the male teacher who is also living at Miss Ada’s.” Her eyes lit up with delight at being able to tell the story. “He tells me that last night, after you and your husband left Addy Kane off at the boardinghouse, she came inside and went to her room. He knows it was her because he was already home, and his room is beside hers. He heard her go inside her own room, and then she walked out again! He opened his door slightly and looked out and saw her go outside alone. He supposed she wanted another breath of fresh air for some reason, so he closed his door and did not think much else about it until he was sure he heard voices somewhere in the darkness outside his window.” She straightened, smiling victoriously.

  “Voices? Was one of them Addy’s?”

  “He couldn’t be sure, because he could not hear what exactly was being said, but one of them was definitely a woman. Who else would it have been that time of night? The point is, she walked outside alone. Mr. Withers heard two voices, and the other voice was a man’s! Who in the world would she have been talking to in the dark late at night like that? A few minutes later Mr. Withers heard a horse whinny and trot off, and he was sure that soon after that he heard a woman crying! Now don’t tell me you don’t find that very mysterious and questionable.”

  Hester looked away, sipping more of her tea, trying to digest everything she had been told. “As far as I know, Mrs. Kane knows absolutely no one else in town. She seemed so lost and lonely when I first met her, and I’m certain she’s never been to Central before. She did agree to meet with Grant Breckenridge today to visit one of his mines, but she just met him last night. They certainly would not have made plans to meet alone in the dark later. Mr. Breckenridge is too much the gentleman for that. And there would be no reason whatsoever for Mrs. Kane to be crying about anything to do with a man she just met.”

  Ethel snorted with indignation. “I’m not suggesting it was Grant Breckenridge. I am suggesting that she knows some man intimately, that she came here to run away from him and that he followed her here! If she really is a widow as she claims, then she is lonely. Something that young and pretty won’t want to go for long without a man in her life. Who knows what has been going on, or why she might want to stay away from this man? Al
l we know is that she met a man alone in the dark last night and was heard crying after he left.” She rose, folding her arms. “I’m telling you, Hester, something is not quite right, and I intend to find out what it is.”

  “How do you intend to do that?” Hester stood up, facing the woman.

  Ethel’s eyes showed her determination and confidence. “I am going to write to the sheriff of Unionville, Illinois, ask him if he can refer me to people who knew the woman, tell me what he himself knows about her—if it’s true she went to college, was widowed; and tell me if he has any idea if she was romantically involved with anyone in Unionville. Perhaps he can shed some light on the truth about Mrs. Addy Kane!”

  Hester put a hand to her chin and walked over to look out a window. “I don’t know, Ethel. There is something about Addy that I like very much. I don’t think she has lied to us or done anything wrong.”

  “I hope that you are right, but I have said all along that you people on the educational committee should have done a better job of investigating this woman before hiring her, rather than simply take her word on everything. Alfred Rhodes is the only one who voted against the hiring, but everyone else just blindly accepted the woman’s credentials as truth. I know that we all want to show that Central is a forward-thinking town, willing to give a female teacher a chance, but we can still at least make sure the woman involved is truly as educated and reputable as she claims.”

  Hester sighed with irritation. Ethel Brown seemed to take innate pleasure in sticking her nose into other people’s lives. “I can’t say that you’re wrong, Ethel, but why have you come to me about it?”

  Ethel placed her hands on her hips authoritatively. “Because I feel Mrs. Kane has already won your complete confidence. I came to warn you not to be too intimate with the woman, and not to encourage the ladies of our circle to be too receptive at first. What if she turns out to be some soiled dove who’s been cast out from some other town? Just think how embarrassing that would be for all of us, welcoming her into our homes, introducing her to our husbands, allowing her to teach our children! We must be very careful, Hester—friendly, but not too intimate. It will probably be a good six weeks before I get an answer from someone in Unionville, and in the meantime, we must all be skeptical and watchful. I will tell Miss Ada to keep an eye open for the woman’s comings and goings at night.”