Exhale

by Jennifer Snyder

  “Geez, stare much? The look you’re giving him is creepy. Take a sip and soften your face a little,” Missy muttered. She was one of those boldly blunt people in life who rarely think about how their words will affect others, making her one of those people that you either loved or hated. Fortunately for her, her word usage and condescending tone didn’t bother me like it did everyone else. “Derek, over here!” she shouted as she flailed her arms above her head. My face grew hot and my stomach twisted from her outrageous outburst, but I did as she had ordered, or at least attempted to.

  Derek’s eyes snapped to Missy, then shifted and grazed over me, before locking back on her again as he smiled and nodded his head in greeting. I watched him as he walked, noticing how his face was now clean shaven, and I tingled with the anticipation of being able to brush my fingertips against its smoothness as I pressed my lips to his at some point tonight.

  “Hey, what’s up?” He grinned when he finally reached us.

  “Hey,” I smiled, tapping the metal of my thumb ring against my newly opened beer bottle. “Nothing much.”

  “Oh, please, you’re both here now, so you can both be deliciously happy and go find yourself a patch of sand to make out on like the rest of us,” Missy said bluntly, before grabbing two beers out of the cooler and stalking away toward Kyle again.

  My face flamed and Derek gave me this look as if he couldn’t believe I had told her about us. My stomach hardened and a tingling sensation entered my chest and spread outward. Did Derek not want me to tell anyone about us? Was he worried Kyle would find out from her? I felt like I had just been caught telling someone’s big secret, when I’d promised not to. I took a long swallow of my beer to avoid speaking first.

  “She knows?” he asked, and all I could do was nod as my chest constricted even more. “When did you tell her?”

  “I didn’t really tell her. She kind of just figured it out.” I avoided his eyes as I spoke.

  “If she knows, then everyone will know and then Kyle will find out soon, too. No offense, but Missy can be a blabbermouth.” There was no harshness in his tone as he said this; it was just the words themselves that bothered me.

  I took another sip of my beer in an effort to refrain from saying the first thing that came to my mind. Turned out it didn’t matter, and I said it anyway. “Is that a bad thing? Isn’t he going to find out anyway?”

  Derek’s face twisted. “I just don’t know how to tell him. I know he likes you, shit, he practically has since we were little.”

  “I know.”

  He bent down and grabbed a soda; he never was one to drink alcohol. “This will crush him.” I knew this too, but I didn’t say it. Instead, I said, “So what do you wanna do?”

  My hands grew clammy as I waited for Derek’s response. In that moment, I didn’t care about Kyle and his feelings. All that mattered was that I didn’t lose Derek, not when I’d finally gotten him in my grasp the way that I’d wanted to for years. I silently prayed that he wouldn’t tell me what we had done, what we had been doing, was a mistake. I realized then, when my heart was pounding too fast as I waited for what he was going to stay, that if he called it off, we could never be friends again. Not the way that we had been, because I couldn’t just be Derek’s friend, and that’s not what I wanted.

  “I don’t know,” he finally said, his head shook slightly as his eyebrows drew together and he dropped his gaze to the white sand beneath our feet.

  I swallowed hard and glanced around, allowing my eyes to wander everywhere except back to Derek. They locked on Kyle dirty dancing with Missy. He nodded in my direction and winked.

  “Come talk with me,” I finally said, after Kyle had shifted his gaze from me. I gave Derek’s arm a quick tug before I walked away from the party and Kyle’s observant eyes.

  CHAPTER NINE

  I weaved through the groups of people, looking behind me only once to make sure Derek was following, as I searched for a quiet place where we could talk, hidden from view. Once we broke away from the parties, we only had to keep walking a little bit further in order to get away from the random couples doing things that would get sand in places I didn’t even want to think about.

  I sat down once I felt as if we’d put enough distance between us and the last couple we’d stumbled upon. My heart raced almost as rapidly as my mind. I didn’t know what I was going to say, I had no plan, all I knew was that we needed to talk. I needed to know if Derek was having regrets.

  “I’m sorry,” Derek said as he sat down beside me, his guy scent mingling in the air around me. I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them tightly, my heart still pumping faster than it should.

  “For what?” Please don’t let him tell me he’s sorry that we ever kissed.

  He ran a hand through his dark hair and sighed. “Everything, I guess—kissing you, making things so complicated when they used to be so easy, and then acting like my world dropped from beneath my feet when I found out Missy knew.”

  “I’m fine with everything except for that last part, the part where you made me feel like this was some big secret I wasn’t allowed to share,” I said, picking at my chipped blue toenail polish absentmindedly.

  “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way,” he sighed.

  I took in a deep breath. I needed to say something, but my throat felt as if it was going to close up on its own accord, just to keep the words down. “Do you…think this was a mistake? I mean, I thought you wanted this just as much as I did,” I finally managed to choke out.

  Derek’s fingers lightly stroked against my anklebone in slow circles. “I do want this and I don’t think it was a mistake. Not at all. It’s just—he’s my brother and I know how he feels about you,” he said. “God, do I know how he feels about you, which means I also know how he’s going to react when he does find out about us.”

  About us, I liked the sound of that. “I know, I’ve thought of that.”

  “I’ll tell him, you’ve just gotta give me some time to think of the right way to do it. Please?”

  “All right.”

  Leaning in, Derek swept his soft lips against mine. I intertwined the fingers of one hand within his dark hair and brushed my fingertips of the other lovingly across his smooth jawline as I had envisioned earlier. Shifting to get closer to him, I knocked over my beer bottle and let out a startled squeal as the cool beer pooled around my bare toes unexpectedly.

  “We should probably get back to the party before Kyle notices we’re both gone,” Derek said.

  I sighed and stood up, dusting the sand off my butt as I walked to the water’s edge and wiggled my toes around in it in an effort to wash off the beer before we started back. Derek slipped his hand in mine and I wanted to bottle the warm, fuzzy feeling that entered my stomach. There was something so perfect about this moment, so right. The way the half moon looked against the midnight blue sky. The dark ocean waters rippling like black velvet for as far as the eye could see. The way my hand fit perfectly in his.

  The ethereal sensation didn’t last nearly as long as I would have liked, because once the sight and sounds of the party came back into view, Derek released my hand. I continued staring straight ahead and fought to keep my back straight and all traces of rejection from my face. It was stupid, even after our conversation and the kiss we had just shared, the way that I felt from that simple gesture, but I couldn’t help it.

  Derek leaned into me when we were just a few steps away from the edge of the party, his lips brushed against my ear, his hot breath tickling my skin. “Meet me back there in fifteen minutes.”

  I smiled and nodded as my eyes met his and warmth radiated through me. I was going to get round two of stolen kisses later.

  * * * *

  “Kat, Kat! Come here,” Kyle slurred. “Tell these fools how I got this scar above my right eyebrow, they don’t believe me.”

  I walked away from Stephanie Vega toward Kyle and grinned at the memory. “You kissed me when we were in second
grade and I karate chopped you in the neck.”

  “No, back up. Tell it from the beginning. You can’t just dive straight to the end. You have to tell the whole story.”

  “I’m going to get something else to drink,” Missy said, her annoyance clearly audible in her words as her gaze flickered up toward the sky. “Anyone else need one?” she added a little more perkily. Her question sounded directed to everyone, but I knew that it was meant only for Kyle. She was trying once again to get his attention, and this time, just like all the others tonight, she had no luck. In a way, I felt bad for her. Did she not see how desperate she looked?

  “Go. Tell it,” Kyle prompted, ignoring Missy’s question completely. She rolled her eyes and stalked off toward the coolers.

  “Okay,” I said, thinking back to how it began. “Billy Yonce had dared you to kiss me, or so I’ve been told, but now that I know you pretty good, I don’t think it was a dare at all, I think it was just something you’d wanted to do. Anyway, so Billy had dared you, and you, being the badass that you are, accepted.”

  “Badass, huh? Woo, I love it when you talk dirty to me,” Kyle smiled, his words almost inaudible as he tipped his beer back for another long swig.

  I rolled my eyes, but still felt my cheeks flush from his comment and turned my stare to the group surrounding us. “Back to the story, Romeo. Anyway, it was recess and I was climbing up the steps of the slide, Kyle was right behind me. Seriously, right behind me. I’m talking as-close-as-he-could-get, practically-my-shadow behind me. As soon as I got to the top, I stopped and asked him what his problem was.”

  “No, what she said was, correct me if I’m wrong, ‘What’s your deal, shadow boy?’” Kyle chuckled, his eyes locking with mine. I broke his stare, uncomfortable with the gleam that twinkled in his eyes. This was when I noticed Derek, standing off to the side of the party, staring at me. As soon as our eyes locked, a small grin twisted his lips and he turned to walk away. I knew where he was going, it had been fifteen minutes and now it was time for some more stolen kisses. “I laughed so hard I nearly slipped off the fucking last step,” Kyle said, forcing my attention back to him and our conversation.

  “So she was a little spitfire even then, huh?” one of the guys who I thought was named Eli said.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I muttered, eager to wrap this story up now that I had seen Derek walk off. “So Kyle tells me ‘nothing’ and then proceeds to kiss me. I shifted away from him and said, ‘I’m part ninja, don’t kiss me unless I ask you to’, and then karate chopped him right in the neck,” I laughed, remembering the entire moment vividly.

  “And then I fell from the top of the slide…granting me one sprained wrist and a gash above my right eyebrow,” Kyle added as everyone surrounding us burst out in laughter. “And I’ve been waiting for her to ask ever since,” he uttered in a low tone, his eyes softening as they grazed across my lips. My muscles tensed as he continued to stare at them. “Pssh, whatever,” I rolled my eyes and pushed him playfully before I started to walk away to meet Derek, but Kyle caught my wrist.

  “Where are you runnin’ off to?”

  “To get something to drink,” I lied, holding up the nearly empty beer bottle I had been sipping on all night.

  “Drinks are that way,” he pointed to the coolers behind me. “Even I know that, and I’m sloshed.”

  I glanced past him to where I had seen Derek disappear and wondered how long he would wait for me before he started back. “Oh, right.” I turned around to grab another beer, knowing that Kyle would be watching me now to see what I did, or where I would go.

  Kyle circled around me quickly, his chest so close it was nearly touching mine. “So how about it, Kat, are you ever going to ask?”

  “You know the answer to that, Kyle,” I said with a small smile, not wanting to lead him on, but not wanting to seem rude either.

  “You’re right, I do.” He swayed slightly as he spoke, his smoldering green eyes locking with mine. “That’s why I’m taking matters into my own hands tonight.” Before I could turn my head to deflect his lips, they were pressed firmly against mine.

  My heart seemed to skip a beat or two as my brain cramped, unable to process what was happening. Kyle’s hands snaked around my waist as his lips grew soft. His warm tongue brushed against my bottom lip and it was like I had been shocked. I jerked back and pressed my palms firmly into his chest.

  “What the hell?” I snapped.

  “Come on, Kat, that kiss was inevitable, don’t deny it,” Kyle said, his hands refusing to let go of my waist. Howls and catcalls from his buddies surrounding us filled the air, they liked what they had just seen. “Give in to me; deep down you know you want to. You know you love me just as much as I love you. It’s there, Kat, don’t keep ignoring it.”

  I felt every drop of blood drain from my face as I focused on only three of the words that he had just said—I love you. He couldn’t love me. He shouldn’t, because that would make everything between me and Derek that much more complicated and it would make him hurt one hundred times worse once he found out about us.

  Kyle released me, waiting for a reply, and I took a step back. A heavy feeling entered my stomach, and I became fully aware of the smoky blue eyes framed by blond ringlets boring a hole straight through me from directly behind Kyle. Missy had seen our kiss and heard Kyle’s confession. I pleaded with her through my eyes not to say what I knew was on the tip of her tongue—that Derek and me were secretly together. She didn’t speak, thankfully, but her heated glare didn’t lessen any.

  “Kyle,” my voice came out sounding like I was talking down to a kindergartner and I hated it. My eyes watered as I gathered the words that needed to be said, this time with more conviction than ever. “I just don’t feel that way about you. I’m sorry.” I started to walk away before I could see any emotion on his face attach to the words I’d just said.

  “Why not?” Kyle questioned as he caught up with me. “We’d be good together, everyone knows it. Everyone sees it, but you. Give me one good reason why you won’t give us a shot.” He reached out for my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. I stared at them for a moment, feeling his heat seep into the coldness of my soul.

  One good reason, huh? How could I tell him that the only reason I couldn’t give him a shot, give us a shot, was because I was already dating Derek behind his back? How could I tell him that I was in love with his twin brother?

  I untangled my fingers from his hands and folded my arms across my chest tightly. “Kyle, I…” I trailed off, unsure of what to say and remembering how Derek had wanted to be the one to tell him. “It’s just not like that for me. I just don’t feel that way about you. I’m sorry.” My voice cracked.

  “Fine,” he said in a monotone. “I get it.” He tossed his hands up between us in surrender and slowly walked away backward. “Can’t blame a guy for trying. You’re gorgeous, Kat, never forget it.”

  I let out the breath I had been holding when he finally turned his back to me and shifted my gaze to Missy. She still stood in the same place. I’d expected to see a sour expression on her face, but there wasn’t one. Instead, as our eyes locked, she shook her head and softened her stare.

  I closed my eyes and turned to walk away. I knew Derek had been right when he said that Kyle finding out about us would crush him, I just didn’t know how right he’d been until that moment. I headed in the direction I had seen Derek go moments before, my heart feeling like a piece of it had broken. I had always known Kyle liked me, but I had never thought that it was more than that, that he loved me. I pinched my lips tight to keep them from trembling, as I quickened my pace, hoping I could reach Derek before he decided to come find me.

  CHAPTER TEN

  A tear slid down my cheek, I wiped it away and cleared my throat as soon as I spotted Derek’s silhouette in the distance. This was it, Derek had to tell Kyle, and after this night, nothing would ever be the same again between the three of us. It would all change and I could only hope for the bet
ter.

  “There you are. I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to be able to get away from Kyle,” Derek said, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck.

  I opened my mouth to reply but nothing came out, tears constricted my throat.

  “What’s wrong?” His eyebrows drew together as concern sharpened his features. “Are you upset or something?”

  I nodded and wiped my nose with the back of my hand as I stopped directly in front of him. “Kyle just kissed me.”

  Derek’s jaw tensed. “What?”

  “He kissed me,” I repeated, even though I knew he had heard me the first time. My cheeks were on fire and my stomach flip-flopped all over the place as I waited for some sort of a reaction from Derek.

  He dropped his eyes to the white sand we stood on and stared at it with the most confused expression on his face, as though he were trying to figure out what it was and how it had gotten there. A warm breeze blew; ruffling his hair and making him appear even more bewildered.

  “You said you were worried about whether or not I thought kissing you was a mistake, that you wondered if I wanted this as much as you did…I guess the true question here is do you want this?” Derek’s eyes lifted until they met mine. I noticed how pained they were, how worried. “We look exactly the same, Katie. You know us both better than anyone else. We all three pretty much grew up together—” He cut himself off. Silence built between us, letting me know that he did not intend to finish his thoughts.

  “I don’t understand what you’re getting at,” I said, shifting on my feet and folding my arms across my chest. He shifted his eyes out to the ocean and shook his head slightly as he shrugged his shoulders at the same time. “Are you sure it’s me that you want?”