by Jennifer Rae
‘I was just leaving.’ She gathered up the papers she had strewn across the sound board. She’d written and rewritten the script so many times there were dozens of pages lying around.
‘Wait. I want to see how the show ended up.’
‘You’ll see it in a few hours when it goes to air.’ Her skin prickled as he sat in the chair next to her. Still she didn’t look at him. Couldn’t look at him. Just the scent of him was too much. Her stomach rolled and she tugged her sleeves up at the immediate heat that spread throughout her body. She remembered last night. The way she’d thrown herself onto him. She didn’t wait. She didn’t listen; she just kept going and going until he couldn’t stop.
‘I’d like to see it now.’
Finally she looked at him and his eyes hit her as she knew they would. But she went on regardless. ‘Fine, look at it. Go through it. It’s my last one. You were right. Sex is just sex. I’ll pack up my desk and be gone within the hour.’ But as she stood to leave he grabbed her. His strength always surprised her but right now he was even stronger than ever. He pulled her quickly and expertly into his lap.
‘You’re not going anywhere.’ He was so close now, his lips tempting her. His breath hot on her mouth. A rage of hot need sang through her and she wanted him all over again.
‘Let me go.’
‘No. I won’t. Not until you tell me what the hell happened last night.’
‘We had sex.’
‘Yes, we did. But there was more to it than that.’
‘No, there wasn’t. It was just sex.’ She didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to be sitting on his lap and feeling him hard beneath her and she definitely didn’t want to look into his eyes. Those beautiful dark eyes that seemed to look right into her and see her for who she really was.
‘You were upset and angry and I want to know why.’ His arms slackened so she used the opportunity to stand up. She couldn’t be near him; she didn’t want to be with him—just as he didn’t want to be with her.
‘Last night was a mistake. I let you do something I shouldn’t have.’
‘You let me in.’
‘No. I didn’t. I let you have sex and I shouldn’t have.’
He stood up and moved closer and Faith held steady. Never let them see you cry, she remembered. Don’t show them emotion. But for some reason she wanted him to see. She wanted him to see her and catch her, but he wouldn’t. She knew he wouldn’t.
‘What happened?’ he asked, his voice so gentle and deep it disturbed her pulse.
‘What do you mean?’
‘What happened?’
What happened? He wanted to know what happened? She’d lost it, that was what, which was what she felt like doing right now. ‘You want to know what happened? I have no idea if sex is just sex or something more because I know nothing about sex. I’m no expert, I barely know what I’m doing and last night I got everything wrong. I always get everything wrong.’
TWENTY-THREE
Cash stared at the emotional woman in front of him. His stomach had been rolling all day. He felt sick every time he thought about what she’d said when he left. It was just sex. But she’d been so desperate and seemed to want it over so fast. And then she’d been so distant and emotional when it was over. A panicked thought grasped his brain.
‘Faith—are you... Have you... How many times have you had sex?’
Faith’s face fell.
‘You know, don’t you? You realised last night. Three. That’s my number. Three. And I’ve never had an orgasm. Never...before...you. At the dock. I have no idea what I’m doing.’
Cash watched her in stunned silence. Sydney’s sexpert had been with only three men? Faith? The hottest women he’d ever met had never had an orgasm? But she had, with him. A crazy feeling of possession grasped at him. That she was his. Her shoulders shook so he reached for her. Pulling himself up next to her, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her head to his shoulder.
‘Faith, it makes no difference how many times you’ve done it. Last night, that was hot. You’re hot. You did everything right.’
Her eyes met his. Challenging. Not letting go. ‘No, it was...just sex.’
‘That wasn’t “just” anything. That was amazing. You’re amazing.’
‘Cash, don’t say that. You don’t know. What I am...who I am. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I’m no sexpert. I’m a sexflop.’
Cash leaned down to kiss her forehead. ‘What you are is sexperfect.’
He watched her and she watched him back. Then she smiled and let out a little laugh.
‘That’s not even a word.’
‘Neither is sexflop.’
Faith became aware of his arm around her. She liked the feel of it—warm and comforting. As if she belonged. As if she were his. She snuggled in a little closer.
‘Cash, I can’t help it.’
‘Can’t help what?’
‘Thinking sex is about more than just sex.’
He hesitated, then she felt his hand on her jaw, moving her face to meet his eyes.
‘Maybe you’re right.’ He kissed her eyes and she closed them briefly before meeting his gaze. ‘With you, sex could never be just sex.’
He felt her still beneath him.
‘Wasn’t that...just sex...for you?’ she asked, her voice shaking a little.
He’d tried to stay away, he’d tried to resist her, but he wanted her and he didn’t care if it hurt. He had to have more.
‘No.’
‘No?’
‘No. That was more than just sex. That was...’ What was it? He couldn’t even begin to figure it out. All he knew was that he wanted more. He wanted her. ‘Something.’
‘Something?’
‘Something.’
Cash sat back in his chair before lifting his hands to her waist and placing a big hand either side of her, pulling her closer and pressing his lips to her stomach.
‘You once asked me why I did this, Cash, why I researched sex and love and relationships. It’s because I don’t know anything about it. No one has ever wanted that from me. I left home when I was seven. I never fitted in at boarding school—the other girls would push me and tease me and I learned to be small. I learned to disappear—but after...’
She stopped so he kissed her again. He wanted to know more. He wanted to know why she acted so tough and as if she needed no one, because he wanted her to need him. ‘After I made a mistake and slept with that teacher, I decided I didn’t want to be small any more. I wanted to matter. To someone. I needed to know how. I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved and how to have an orgasm and what it’s like when someone makes love to you. I don’t want just sex. I’ve never wanted just sex. I want more.’
Cash hesitated. She wanted more. Could he really give her more? Could he really make her happy? He wasn’t sure but as he looked up at her he knew that he had to try. He had to trust her.
‘I want to make love to you, Faith. I want more.’
Faith’s heart swelled. She knew she shouldn’t let it but it did anyway. His voice was deep and vibrated through her skin and his hands held her steady. Did he really mean it or was this just about sex again? She wanted to believe him. She wanted to let him in but after he left last night it had hurt so much.
Carefully she leaned down and touched her lips to his. They parted and he let her in, waiting for her to let him know when she was ready for more. Her hands smoothed over his hair and settled around his neck. His hands held tighter around her waist and he pulled her even closer.
‘How about I come and see you tonight? We can watch your show together.’
She wanted that. She wanted him—but what then? He was cancelling her show. Would he feel obligated to keep it on now even if he didn’t want it? She di
dn’t want that. She wanted him for no other reason than he wanted her.
‘I’ll take the job.’
‘What?’ He pushed her back a little and stared up at her, confusion on his face.
‘On the breakfast programme. If you can’t make my show work, I’ll take the presenter’s job.’
‘Why?’
‘Because there’s something I want more than recognition and awards.’ He blinked and she hesitated. Her heart felt raw and open and she wondered if she was doing the right thing. ‘You.’ There. She’d said it. Her heart was open to him. She was bare and now he could hurt her more than ever.
He pulled her towards him and kissed her stomach again. ‘Good. Because I want you.’
TWENTY-FOUR
That night Faith changed her outfit seven times. She poured some wine then put it back in the bottle. Too obvious. She turned off the light and lit the lamps. Too dark. She turned the lights back on again. No, then he’d see the pimple that had formed in the last hour on her chin. Her palms were damp and her hair wouldn’t sit right but when her buzzer rang she knew there was no more time left. He was here. And he wanted her.
He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek but she’d gone for his lips and they mashed together somewhere near her eye. She giggled and he laughed and they said nothing as she led him into the living room and turned on the television.
‘Wine?’ she asked. He nodded and she left to pour the glasses again.
She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous. They’d done this already. They’d seen each other naked. They’d kissed each other so many times she knew exactly where he liked to be kissed. On the neck, just below his ear. But her hands shook as she poured the red liquid into the oversized glass. Because this meant more. He’d agreed. This wasn’t just sex. This was more.
‘Has it started yet?’
The music that indicated the start of her show sang through the nervous atmosphere and Cash reached for the remote to turn it up. A comfortable feeling enveloped Faith’s body. She curled her legs up and shifted until her shoulder was against his. His arm came down and around her shoulder and she sat still. Not wanting to move an inch. Not wanting to break whatever this fragile link between them was. She had to be cool, calm. She couldn’t want this so much because if she did—she was sure she’d stuff it up.
‘Fantasies. We’ve all got them. Some dream of winning the lottery, others of playing sport for our country...’ Faith heard Cash’s snigger as a flash of Faith dressed in cricket pads flashed on the screen. Faith winced. She really did some ridiculous things for this show. ‘But there are some fantasies all of us have but most are too afraid to share.’ The scene changed to Kitty’s dungeon. Faith’s shoulders twitched. Their first kiss was in that dungeon. He’d dominated her in that dungeon and she’d dominated him. Faith tried to breathe normally. Cool. Calm. ‘Sexual fantasies.’
The show went on. Cash laughed in all the right places. He went quiet when he should and when the scene of her dressed in the schoolgirl outfit came on his large hand settled protectively over her thigh. Comfort. Protection. Understanding. Faith felt her heart swell and her eyes itch. Don’t push it, she reminded herself. Don’t show him how much you care. She’d learned that the hard way. When she let the group of day-girls at her school see how much she loved the comfort pack her mother had sent. It was the first one she’d ever received and it had had all her favourite things in it. A Sweet Valley High book, a packet of McVities and a letter from her mother. Those girls had pushed her until she’d dropped the parcel, laughed as they’d read the letter out loud, eaten all her biscuits and stolen her book. Don’t show them how much you care.
The credits rolled as the show ended and Cash heard Faith suck in a deep breath before finally she turned his way till their eyes locked. Brown eyes locked with blue. The land meeting the ocean. Her eyes were beautiful. They’d held him prisoner since the day he first tried to cancel her show. They were the eyes of someone who couldn’t be held down—who couldn’t stay still. Faith was someone always searching for answers and tonight’s show was no different. Funny, irreverent, insightful. He was an idiot to think her show couldn’t work. She just needed more help—more direction.
It was as if he’d been living in the shadows and suddenly they’d cleared. He needed to tell her. Grant had called today. But he didn’t want to tell her; he didn’t want her to know. Not yet. Not while he had her here. Needing him. It felt so good, so right and he wanted it to last. At least one more night. Tomorrow this could be all over but he had tonight and even if it broke him he’d show her how he felt and that she mattered to him. Always had.
‘So, what did you think?’ She looked nervous. He pulled her in tighter. He knew why she doubted herself, because he hadn’t shown her any faith.
‘It was...’ she looked up at him in anticipation ‘...brilliant.’
Her smile spread slowly and he leaned in to kiss it. He wanted to kiss her all over but she pulled away. ‘Didn’t I tell you I was brilliant?’
‘No, you didn’t. But you are. Brilliant and beautiful.’
‘You’ve finally seen the light.’ She laughed and his chest hurt. She had no idea.
‘You shouldn’t be doing it all on your own.’
Her smile faltered and she went a little stiff. ‘It doesn’t matter now.’
He wanted to tell her it did. He wanted to tell her he’d changed his mind, but if he did she’d think he was only saying that because he wanted sex and that wasn’t true so he didn’t say anything. His urge to speak up and be honest about that lay still and coiled deep within him. But he could be honest about something else.
‘You know what matters? This. You. Us. Right now. Here. This matters. You matter. To me.’
Her eyes locked with his and he felt it. Burning. Heating. A look that crept slowly through his eyes and hurt his chest.
‘And you matter to me,’ she whispered. Before she could say another word Cash reached for her. He lowered her until he was lying on top of her on the lounge and his lips shifted to her mouth, where he kissed her firmly and eagerly. His mouth moved to her neck and she let out a whimper of pleasure and pushed herself into him—wanting him close, needing to feel his hardness and strength. Needing her to believe that he wanted her.
‘So you think the show was good.’
‘It was perfect.’
‘So which fantasy did you like best?’
He met her eyes. ‘I have the only fantasy I need right here, in my arms.’
* * *
Cash kissed her. Over and over and over. Kissed her until she couldn’t breathe. But he didn’t go any further. Faith knew he was holding back. And she knew why. He was making love to her; this wasn’t just sex. He was giving her everything she’d ever wanted and as she felt his hands move through her hair and over her shoulders she knew what she wanted. To be with him.
Slowly and deliberately he lifted her fingers to his lips and with his eyes still on hers he kissed them. A slow, sluggish pleasure ran through her as if he’d released a drug into her system. Warm fog enveloped her mind and her body became boneless. She pushed on his chest.
‘I want to go to the bedroom.’ He smiled but she didn’t. This wasn’t sex. This was so much more and she wasn’t sure if she could go through with this. But he got up and held out his hand for her to take as she stood.
‘Tonight we go slower,’ he said, leaning down to kiss her. One side of his mouth turned up in a small smile and she finally smiled back at him.
‘OK.’
‘Tonight I want you to enjoy it as much as I do.’
This wasn’t just sex; it never would be. Tonight she was going to have sex with him to prove to herself that sex wasn’t just sex and that there was something between them. And that she mattered.
‘Then you better get started.’ Faith smiled as he
walked her into the room. Nervously, she lay on the bed but her stomach settled when he lay down next to her. He let his finger move over her eyebrow and down her cheek.
‘Are you sure this is what you want?’ His voice was gruff and quiet and laced with a rawness that made her shiver.
‘Yes.’ A simple answer. An unfamiliar clarity that pierced her brain, her heart and her soul. Yes.
He held her hand still until she met his eyes.
‘I want to know you, Faith.’ His words were gentle and made her hesitate. He wanted to know her. He wanted to see her. This wasn’t an act, this was real and she wasn’t sure if she was prepared. ‘Even if this doesn’t work out, I want to know you.’
She heard the hesitation in his voice. Like her, he was unsure of what this was. Whether it was anything, but she had to find out.
‘I’m not easy to get to know.’
‘Yes, you are. I can read you like a book and I know you’re scared.’
Faith shivered at the way he’d read her thoughts. ‘I just want this, Cash. I just want to enjoy this. Just this.’
He cocked an eyebrow and she waited, holding her breath. She still wasn’t sure what he wanted.
‘And I want to seduce you.’
A wide smile planted itself on her face and she knew it probably wasn’t very sexy but she left it there as she struggled to unbutton his shirt. Her hands were shaking a little. She shifted and moved closer, then shifted again, moving on top of him, then slipping off again.
He laughed and gripped her by the waist. ‘You’re not terribly good at this seduction caper, are you?’
She couldn’t help but laugh back. ‘I’m a little out of practice.’
He lifted his hands and put them either side of her face. That simple movement made her feel vulnerable and small. She lifted her hands to cover his. She wanted to be in charge but with his large hands either side of her face she felt his attention again. His focus. It made her feel as if she was under his power. But his whispered words soothed her.
