“Well, that’s truly sad that they think I’m that shallow. Did you believe the same thing?”
No, not what she was expecting. She opened her mouth to say no, absolutely not, but the truth was she had believed he’d done just that. How could she not when, as far as she was concerned, he’d up and left without a word, without trying to contact her? “Yes, I did. When you didn’t come home for the winter break, I felt left behind. What else was I to think?” How could he not understand? “Put yourself in my place. If it were me who left…”
“But you did.” He brushed past her. “You married someone else, Kim, and that left no chance to straighten anything out.” He was behind his desk, putting distance between them, glancing down at some files and then shifting them to the corner of his desk as if he didn’t know what to do. “Kim, it’s water under the bridge now. I got over it a long time ago.”
She didn’t want to hear that, afraid that next he would tell her he’d gotten over her. To hear that would truly be the end of any hope she was still holding on to. Maybe it was the heartbreak she couldn’t hide that made his expression soften.
“Kim…”
“Don’t say it,” she begged him, “because I never got over you. You’ve haunted my dreams every night, and you’re the reason I’m doomed to be alone, because I gave my heart away to you and never got it back. I can’t love anyone else.”
He started to say something, then closed his mouth. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“I’m sorry, I should go,” she said. “You have patients waiting.”
She was shaking when she started to the door and reached for the handle. Then she felt his hand on her shoulder, and she turned to face him. He placed both of his large hands on her shoulders holding her there in such a caring way, and she breathed him in. When you love someone so deeply, the smell of him is better than any drug out there. His was a scent she craved, and it drove her crazy when she was near him. Not willing to have just that one fix, she needed to be with him, but she didn’t have any idea how to make it happen without seeming crazy.
Then he did the most unexpected thing: He leaned down, touching her forehead with his, nose to nose, sliding his hands up and over her face, into hair she had left loose and hanging down. Then he pulled away, stepped back, and said, “Have a great day.”
Leaving her no choice but to leave.
Chapter Seven
She stared up at the starry sky, fantasizing about a life that could have been, a life in which she could spend every day and night with the man she loved, to really know him, understand what he was thinking before he even said it. She thought she could’ve had that with Bruce, but as she wiped her face, which ached from the tears she’d cried all the way home from Columbia Falls, she realized she’d now played her last card. She’d opened her heart to the man, but after she hurt him so badly, he’d used his time and distance from her to heal. How could he? She had never healed, and it hurt to believe he was capable of moving on. She realized she would never be able to, not as long as she remained here, but where could she go and what could she really do? This was her home, where she’d grown up and where she expected to die.
Living way out here in the country in the peace and quiet had its perks, but it could also be the end of a person when it left so much time to think about things that were best dealt with and put aside, never to be thought of again. She could hear her horse nicker before she heard the sound of a vehicle in the distance. Maybe someone lost. Maybe a neighbor down the road. But the sound was closer, and she spotted lights in the distance coming down her driveway.
It was late for Kim. The sun had set an hour before, but the summer heat had really spiked the thermometer that week. It was so hot she wondered if the house would cool off any time before dawn.
She heard a door shut, then footsteps on her porch. She couldn’t see the front of the house, and she walked as fast as she could in the dark. She heard him before she saw him.
“Kim!” he shouted as he pounded on her door.
“I’m right here,” she said.
He turned and looked her way even though he’d have a hard time seeing her from where she stood in the shadows. “Kim, why don’t you have any lights on? What are you doing out in the dark?” He started down the stairs and stumbled off the last step.
“Oh, watch that last step. There’s a rock there. You can’t see in the dark.”
“Yeah, great, Kim, you could break your arm or your neck. You need an outside light on for safety.”
She actually shrugged, then realized he couldn’t see it. “Can’t afford it, Bruce. I keep the lights off so my electricity bill will be low. Besides, I know where everything is.”
He was right in front of her, so close she could reach out and touch him—but she didn’t, because she didn’t know why he was here. She squeezed her fists, and he put his hands on his hips, then moved another step closer, putting his hand on her elbow. “Come on in the house,” he said.
“Why? It’s cool out here.”
He slapped his hand to his neck. “Yeah, and the mosquitoes are out here, too.”
“Not that bad,” she said. She heard a few buzzing around, but they apparently really liked Bruce, as he slapped his hand to his forehead next.
“Kim, seriously, inside.” He nudged her forward, and she started up the steps. He was right with her, and she could feel every part of him even though he wasn’t touching her. She opened the screen door, and he followed her inside the dark house. She did turn on the light as she heard the screen door slap closed.
“You’re right, it is hot in here,” he said. “Did you open the windows?”
What did he think she was, an idiot? “I can assure you every window in this old house is open as wide as it can go, but they’re small windows and there isn’t much of a breeze tonight. By morning it should be cool enough.”
“By morning you’ll be a cranky mess from not getting enough sleep.”
“Cranky? Did you forget what it’s like out here?” she said. He was behaving as if this summer heat was new to him.
“I have air conditioning.” He smiled in that cocky way she loved.
“Spoiled, you are,” she said. And then they stood there, watching each other, the moment stretching out into an uncomfortable silence.
“Would you like some water? Or there’s wine still, the white you brought over. It’s in the fridge, so it’s cold.”
“No wine. I’m on call. I came to talk to you, Kim. There are some things I need to say to you.”
“Okay.” She stood there in between the living room and kitchen, her heart hammering as she watched him. There was sweat on his brow, his forehead shiny from the heat. Then he reached out and turned her, guiding her into the living room, sitting her on the edge of the faded brown sofa with the purple blanket she’d crocheted folded over the back. He stood in front of her, and she wondered if he saw the old furniture, the plain table, the lamp that had belonged to her parents. It was neat and tidy and clean, but it was nothing fancy. His legs brushed the coffee table, and he pulled the edge out and sat down. It was solid wood and sturdy—he obviously thought it would hold his weight. His knees surrounded hers as he leaned forward, resting his hands on both sides of her legs.
“Kim…” he started, but she reached up and put a shaky palm over his mouth.
“Don’t say it. I can’t bear to hear you say you got over me. I feel like such a fool, coming to you today.”
He pulled her hand down but didn’t let go of it. He held it in his. Did he pity her? Was that why he was there? “I didn’t say I got over you,” he said. His voice was so low and sexy, and he was watching her, his expression filled with emotion and something else that terrified her. It wasn’t a fear of him but a fear of finding something she’d never had.
“I don’t understand.” She swallowed. “You said…”
“I said I got past it. The hurt, the betrayal. When you love someone so much and you trust them, it’s that tru
st that holds the relationship together. When I went off knowing that you were going to be here waiting for me, you have any idea how much it hurt, calling you, hoping you’d understand how important this opportunity was for me? It didn’t mean forever. It was just a little while longer. Talking with your mother about this trip and where I was going, and for her to say she’d have you call…and then you didn’t call. I had to go, because it happened so quickly. We were leaving, and I was wondering and worrying the entire time, flying over there. Then I hear Craig Edwards has set his sights on you and is spending time with you. I almost lost it, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do, halfway across the world. I almost got on a plane to come home to see you a dozen times. I would have thrown away everything I worked so hard for.”
“But you didn’t come,” she said. Why hadn’t he come? It was selfish, wanting him to have dropped everything to hop on the first plane over. She felt her eyes dampen and burn when the thought hit her that maybe she hadn’t been important enough to him after all.
“I had every intention…until one day this kid walked into our camp. There were so many orphans and broken families who’d lost everything. It was something I’d never seen before. The boy stood in the middle of the camp alone, and there was a line of younger children waiting for food, others medicine. There was so much need and not enough of anything. My professor, who’d made the arrangements—he’d been a doctor for twenty years, teaching, giving. I mean, he was an amazing man. He saw the kid, too, standing there.
“Just as I was about to walk over to him, Dr. Jackson yelled out at me to stop. Everyone was suddenly on edge. It was one of those moments where time slowed. I watched Dr. Jackson walk with his hand out in this calming gesture as if he’d recognized something, and I was standing there frozen with a bunch of kids, and he said calmly to me, ‘Bruce, move the kids to the other side of the camp.’
“I didn’t want to leave, but at the same time I wanted to get the hell out of there. Jackson was saying something in one of their local dialects, and then I realized the kid was holding a grenade. I was moving the kids, telling them to run, and the entire camp had cleared except for my teacher standing there with that boy. Someone had trained a gun on the kid, and there was so much yelling, and Jackson was saying no, no, he had this. The boy looked so lost, and I don’t know how, but whatever he said to that desperate little boy, he convinced him to put the grenade in his hand. There was Dr. Jackson with a metal bomb that could kill so many in one hand, and his other arm was around the boy, holding him.
“So no, I couldn’t leave, because in that moment, I saw a man risk everything to save one child, and if I left to come back to you, then maybe someone would have died or that child wouldn’t have been saved. Dr. Jackson said that if I hadn’t gotten the other kids out of the way, someone could have died,” Bruce said.
Well, crap. How could she have been so selfish? “I didn’t know,” she said.
“I know you didn’t, Kim. I’m not telling you this to hurt you but so you understand my decision to stay. I became a doctor to help people where there was a need, and even though I wasn’t a doctor yet, I was where I needed to be. I could make a difference. So I stayed. Unfortunately, after hearing about your wedding to another man, you made the decision easier for me, so I gave everything I had to making a difference. I stayed away because I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing you with Craig, and I hated you for so long, believing you’d found it that easy to move on when I never could.”
“But I didn’t move on, Bruce, not really. I’m so sorry about Craig. I really wish I could go back and change what I did. He didn’t deserve to be with someone who couldn’t love him, but I felt torn, having my parents push me his way. I was confused and young and stupid and selfish.” She shook her head as she thought about the young Kim who’d listened to her father, believing fairytales really didn’t exist. He had told her that marriage was about compatibility, being with someone who could look after her, who had the right qualities to be a good husband. But what her father had never talked about was love. Where was love? She needed love, to feel it, to give it to a man she loved deeply, otherwise what was the point of marriage and being together? “I realized, after two years of eating my heart out, missing you and hurting a man I could never love, that my father was wrong, and unless I could have love, I’d rather be alone.” She paused. “Is that why you chose to be a pediatrician, your time in South Africa?”
He seemed to consider something. “Some of it, I suppose. You don’t really decide your specialty until your residency, and then something happens that helps figure out what you’re meant for. Kids are so innocent, and so much of what happens to them is beyond their control. I’ve seen a lot of things, neglect, abuse, and I needed to be one more voice that some of these kids need.”
He’d grown so much. He’d had a lifetime of learned wisdom, and it was something he’d done without her.
“You said before that there was someone else and you were together a long time?” she asked, trying to lay all the cards on the table. She didn’t know if she could feel any worse than she did right now.
“Grace, she was a good friend. We were roommates for a while, studied together, shared everything. It’s inevitable when you’re with someone day in and day out. There was always an attraction, and we just kind of fell together. After we passed the boards, I got an offer from the children’s hospital in Columbus. Grace was surgical, specializing in cardiology. Wexner was on the table, but she had other offers: Hopkins, New York Pres, Cleveland, too. She settled for me. Not that Wexner’s not a good program, but she wanted the best, and she settled so that I could have the best instead. We moved and stayed together as friends, and then suddenly fourteen years had passed and we were comfortable. Then one day I asked her to marry me because it felt so logical, like the next step.”
Kim couldn’t have been more shocked. It hurt to listen.
“She said no. I was angry and rejected, and after three days of having to deal with my wounded male pride, she said, ‘I didn’t turn you down to hurt you, but you don’t love me with everything. I’m not the love of your life. I know you care about me and love me, but it’s not enough. If you want to marry me, I have to be the one.’ Then she begged me to tell her she was wrong, and I started to, I really did, because I wanted to have a chance to be happy, too. But I couldn’t. She was right: I loved her, but she wasn’t the love of my life and she never would be, so we broke up. She ended up going to New York, and I decided it was time to come home.”
Kim didn’t know what to say. Her hands were so warm, surrounded by Bruce’s. He wouldn’t let her go, and she didn’t want him to pull away. “I wish I could go back in time and undo what I did.” Her voice sounded so weak.
“I was so angry at you for so many years, but I forgave you long ago. You didn’t trust me. I promised you I was coming back for you, that I would love you forever. You said you’d wait for me.”
“I’m so sorry!” She dropped her head as tears slipped out. She tried to pull her hands away, to cover her face, but Bruce pulled her forward and she slipped onto his lap, tucking her face into his chest, his chin resting on the top of her head. She fisted her hands in his shirt, feeling him pull her closer. She felt so secure in this place where she’d always wanted to be. She’d waited for so many years to be here. After all the heartache and loneliness she’d lived with for so long, she wasn’t willing to go back to that.
“I know you are,” he whispered as he held her, his arms telling her more than words ever could.
Chapter Eight
She ran a damp cloth over her face, wiping away the tears that had left her skin feeling raw. She could hear him in the kitchen as she left the bathroom, stopping in the doorway and watching him as he drank a glass of water. He set it on the counter beside the deep sink with the large single faucet that had to be over fifty years old, and then he noticed her standing there.
“You’re still here,” she said, finally able to speak withou
t hiccupping. “I thought I would’ve chased you out, with the way I fell apart.” Kim had never cried in front of anyone like that before. Oh, she’d blubbered like a baby, but when she truly let down her guard to fall apart, she always did so alone.
“Are you okay?” he asked. He seemed worried, the way he watched her. Was he afraid she’d fall apart again?
“Yeah, sorry. I don’t usually carry on like that.”
“You mean you never allow yourself to be that vulnerable?”
“No, I don’t,” she said, wondering whether he had any idea how deeply she trusted him.
“Why not?” He seemed so curious, prying and pushing.
“Because I’ve never loved anyone like you. I don’t want to hide from you. I feel like I screwed so many things up.” She took a step inside the kitchen, closer to him. It was still so warm in the house, but her body felt chilled without his touch, without being near to him. “I don’t want you to leave,” she said, stepping closer still until she was in front of him. She was so nervous as she reached out and slid her hands up and over his arms. She shyly looked up at him, feeling his hands slide over her hips and hold her. She wanted him to lean down and kiss her. She remembered like it was yesterday what it felt like to have his lips on her. They were warm and firm and full—oh, and could Bruce kiss. The way his tongue teased her, tasted her, took all of her. That was how she remembered it, anyway.
“Maybe we should take some time, take this slower.”
Was he serious? “After twenty years, eighteen of them alone with only memories, you want to take this slow?”
“No, what I want to do is scoop you up and take you to bed and do what I’ve dreamed of doing for what seems like half a lifetime,” he said.
