by Kaylee Ryan
“Mr. Chamberlin, come on in. There’s a chair.” The nurse points to a stool that is up close to Misty’s head.
I mumble a half-assed, “Thank you,” and take my spot on the stool, thankful for the chance to sit. My legs are shaking. Hell, my entire body is trembling. The doctor comes in followed by a team of people dressed just like me.
“This is your team. Baby girl Chamberlin will be in good hands,” he says, stopping beside us. “Misty, do you have any questions?” he asks her.
“No,” she replies. Still showing no emotion, she answers just as she would if someone was asking if she wanted fries with her burger.
“Evan?” he asks.
“I don’t . . . I don’t know,” I tell him honestly.
“Once we take the baby, if all is well, which I’m optimistic about and is the reason I didn’t want to wait any longer, we will allow you to see her, but the staff behind me will take her, run some tests, and clean her up. Once she’s been assessed, you will be able to hold your daughter,” he explains.
“Okay,” I say because what else do you say to that? At least they are going to let me see her before they take her away.
The doctor nods, and just like that, a flurry of activity happens around us. Even though I blame her, I’m sure she’s scared as hell. At least I am. Reaching over, I take Misty’s hand in mine. She doesn’t speak, but she does turn to look at me. I hold her stare until she squeezes her eyes closed and points her head back toward the ceiling. Still nothing. I wish I knew what she was thinking. I wish I knew how she could be so indifferent to everything that’s happening.
I continue to hold her hand, offering her silent support. At least I tell myself it’s for her. In reality, it’s just as much for me. I hear the doctor ask for a scalpel and my chest tightens. I focus on trying to suck in deep, even breaths, waiting for them to tell me she’s okay.
There’s no semblance of time as I wait for them, just trying like hell to keep breathing. That is until I hear it, hear her. The moment I hear my little girl cry, I release a heavy breath at the same time the doctor announces, “It’s a girl,” to everyone in the room.
She’s here. My daughter. My little girl.
A nurse walks around the curtain and holds her up so we can see her. I don’t bother checking to see if Misty is paying attention. I know she’s not. Instead, I take her in as tears begin to fall.
My daughter is testing out her lungs as she screams, apparently not impressed with her arrival into the world. I don’t care. In this moment, her cries are the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard. She’s here and I love her more than I ever thought possible.
This is real.
“We need to take her for some tests, but you can wait for her in the nursery if you want.” I nod, not bothering with the tears as they fall.
I’m a father.
I watch as the team places her under a light and wheels her out of the room. Once she’s out of sight, I turn to face Misty. “Misty,” I say her name, but she doesn’t bother looking at me.
“I know you can hear me. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for giving me my daughter.” I don’t waste time waiting for a reply I know will not come. Instead, I rush out the door in hot pursuit of the nursery.
Quickly stripping out the blue getup, I toss it in the trash and make my way back to the maternity department. Aaron and McKinley are there, waiting for me, just like I knew they would be.
“Well?” Aaron asks.
“She’s here. She’s got a set of lungs on her,” I laugh. “They took her for testing, but said I could wait for her in the nursery. Will you guys come with me?”
I need them there.
“Does a cat have climbing gear?” Aaron asks, causing me to throw my head back and laugh. I know she’s not out of the woods until they run all the tests, but her lungs are strong and I have faith my little girl is a fighter.
“Have you called your family?” Kinley asks.
“Shit, no. I just . . . I came straight to you guys from the operating room.”
“Do you want me to call them?” she asks.
I run my fingers through my hair, torn. “Yeah, I don’t even know how much she weighs or anything. Can you just let them know she’s here and doing well and I will call them when I get to finally hold her?” I ask.
“Sure. You guys go on. I’ll make the calls and catch up with you,” Kinley suggests.
I hesitate, because out of everyone, I want her there with me. She’s been there for me more than anyone else and I want to share this with her.
She picks up on my hesitation and she says, “I’ll hurry. Now go, both of you. You better get your time in because I can’t wait to hold her.” Her eyes mist with tears. Reaching out, I give her hand a gentle squeeze and mouth, “Thank you,” before turning to Aaron. “Ready?”
“Let’s do this,” he says, handing me a pink cigar.
Aaron and I stand outside the glass of the nursery, peering in at all the babies. One of the nurses notices us and comes to the door. “Who are you looking for?” She smiles.
“My daughter, um, Chamberlin. Baby girl Chamberlin,” I say.
“Oh, she’s a cutie that one. We just finished with all her tests. Do you want me to bring her to your room?”
My room. Shit, I didn’t think about that. Normal couples would be in the room together, but Misty wants nothing to do with my little girl. “Uh, her mom, she doesn’t—-—” She holds up her hand to stop me.
“We are well aware of your situation, Mr. Chamberlin. We’ve moved you to a room at the end of the hall. It’s one of the small rooms that we hardly ever use. It will be yours while you’re here. I’ll send her in with the doctor. It’s room 612.”
Aaron and I make our way to the room and wait. More waiting. “You nervous?” he asks me.
“You have no fucking idea,” I admit.
The door opens and in strolls a nurse pushing a bassinet of sorts with a little bundle wearing a pink hat, the doctor right behind them.
“Evan, everything looks good. Her lungs are strong and she passed all her tests. You have a healthy little girl. I’ve instructed the staff that no one is to be left with her except for you. Misty is on the opposite end of the hall and has made it clear she wants to be discharged as soon as possible. As for you two, she will be able to go home in the morning. We just need you to fill out some paperwork, give this little one a name, and you will be all set. We ask that you follow-up with your pediatrician within three to four days of discharge due to her low birth weight.”
“H-how much did she weigh?”
“Six pounds one ounce and she’s nineteen inches long. Congratulations, Dad,” he says.
I can’t speak, so I nod. The nurse scoops her up and brings her to me. “Would you like to hold your daughter?”
What is it that Aaron said? Does a cat having climbing gear? What kind of question is that? Hell yes, I want to hold her. “Yes,” I croak out. I’m an emotional fucking basket case. I’m nervous as hell. My hands are shaking and my palms are sweaty. What if I drop her? I’m excited to meet her. To be able to hold her after wondering all these months what she would look like.
I finally get to meet my little girl.
The nurse hands her to me, explaining that I need to always support her head. My nervousness must be showing.
“Why is she wrapped up so tight?” She looks like a little white and pink burrito.
The nurse smiles. “Babies like to be swaddled. It makes them feel secure. She was in her momma for all this time, not a lot of space in there,” she patiently explains. Everyone here has been amazing.
“Can I unwrap her? I need to count fingers and toes.” When I was in Alabama visiting my parents and grandparents, Dad made the comment that when he held me for the first time he had to count all my fingers and toes. I remember thinking about how I would feel in this moment; nothing could have prepared me for this.
Nothing.
“Of course you can,” she says.
I feel like I’ve been on the phone forever. I called Evan’s parents and his mom continued to pepper me with questions I don’t have the answers to. After promising her multiple times that I would call as soon as I knew more, I was finally able to hang up.
My next call was to his grandparents here in Kentucky. Ethel ran me through the same stage of questions multiple times, until I too had to convince her I would call as soon as I knew more.
The last call was to my parents. Mom didn’t ask near as many questions, understanding I didn’t have the answers yet. However, she too insisted I call when I had them.
I get it. They all love him and even though they’ve never met that little girl, they love her too. I feel bad for his family in Alabama, unable to travel to see her and living so far away. I’ll be sure to take lots of pictures to send to them.
Stopping at the nurses’ station, I ask, “Evan Chamberlin, baby girl Chamberlin.” I’m directed to the room all the way at the end of the hall. I quicken my step to get to them.
Slowly pushing open the door, I step into the room. I stop in my tracks as a take in the scene before me. Evan is holding his daughter, her tiny finger tightly gripping his. Aaron is sitting in a chair next to him and they’re both looking down at her like she’s . . . everything.
I wish I had my damn camera. Deciding this moment cannot go without being captured, I reach in my back pocket and pull out my phone. I tap the screen. The shutter sound that the photographer in me refuses to turn off alerts them to my presence.
Evan and Aaron lift their heads to look at me, both wearing grins that light up the room. I can see from my spot just inside the door that Evan has watery eyes and if I’m not mistaken, Aaron does too. These “tough guys” are brought to their knees by this precious baby girl.
“Kinley,” Evan breathes my name, grabbing a hold of my heart.
Walking further into the room, I stop in front of Evan and bend down. He adjusts his hold on her, so I can get a better look. I reach out and touch her tiny hands and she latches onto my finger. My eyes find Evan’s and I can’t describe the look in his eyes. My heart is racing and I’m overwhelmed by what’s happening. This little girl brought us together. Our friendship grew because of her. Now, here, on the day we finally get to meet her, she’s still bringing us together.
“Evan, she’s beautiful,” I say as tears begin to fall. “Is she okay? How much does she weigh? What did the doctor say?” I fire off some of the questions I just fielded with our families. “Can I hold her?” I blurt out.
Evan chuckles. “Yeah, I just need to wrap her back up.”
A nurse, who I hadn’t notice was in the corner, speaks up. “Let me show you. Lay her down on the bed.”
I step back, allowing Evan room to stand and do as she has instructed. The three of us listen intently as the nurse shows us the proper way to swaddle her. When she’s once again snug in her blanket, Evan ever so gently lifts her back into his arms and motions his head toward the chair he was just in. “Sit,” he tells me.
Without hesitation, I do as I’m told and hold my arms out for her. The sound of Aaron’s ringing cell phone startles her and she jumps. “Shhh, I got you,” I say, gently rocking her.
“It’s Mom. I’m going to step out and take this.” Aaron keeps his voice low and quietly steps out of the room. I told Mom he was here; apparently, she’s not as patient as I thought. Of course that could be because I was a little snippy with her.
I’m so lost in this little angel in my arms I don’t notice Evan is now kneeling before me, observing me just as I had him only minutes ago. “Evan, she’s so precious.”
Nodding his head, he lifts his hand to my face and wipes my tears with his thumbs. His big brown eyes so full of happiness and love, they’re sparkling with it. I’m just about to comment that I hope she has his eyes—-I love his eyes—-when he leans in and softly presses his lips to mine.
“There is no one I would want to share this with more than you. You’ve helped me so damn much, Kinley. I just—”
“Does she have a name?” I interrupt him before his over emotional brain says something he won’t be able to take back, something that my sentimental brain will never be able to forget.
“Yeah, well, no, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I was thinking about Lexington. It’s Mom’s maiden name,” he says. “I want to call her Lexi.”
“Lexington Chamberlin. Lexi.” I love it. I beam at him. “Good call, Daddy,” I say with a wink.
I see a slight blush creep over his cheeks. Damn, I really wish I had my camera to capture this moment. “So does Miss Lexi have a middle name?” I ask, focusing my attention back to the little angel sleeping peacefully in my arms.
“Rae,” he says softly.
It takes a few seconds for my brain to register what he said. When it finally hits me, I jerk my head up to find him staring at me. “W-what did you say?”
“Rae, her name is Lexington Rae Chamberlin.” He pauses to let the fact he’s naming his daughter after me sink in. “Lexi Rae,” he says as an afterthought.
Tears, big fat crocodile tears, are rolling down my cheeks. “Evan . . . I . . . you can’t . . .”
Both his hands hold my face and he softly wipes them away—-at least he tries to. My eyes are like a damn faucet. “You, McKinley Rae Mills, are an amazing woman. Every step of the way you’ve been there for me and for my daughter. You’ve helped me prepare for her, when I otherwise would have been on my own. I love Aaron, but he’s not much help in the baby department.” He smiles. “I owe you so much, and if my daughter grows up to be anything like you . . . well, I couldn’t ask for more. Hell, I hope she does. I pray you continue to be a part of my life, of both of our lives, and she will grow up learning how to be a remarkable person just from watching you.”
“I’m honored and I promise to always be there for both of you,” I choke out as the waterworks continue.
Aaron chooses this moment to walk back in the room. “Uh . . . everything okay?” he asks. His eyes dart between Evan, me, and baby Lexi.
Evan stands and takes a seat on the bed. “Yeah, man, everything’s good. I was just telling Kinley her name.” He smiles.
“Let’s hear it,” he says. “No, wait. I need my turn, baby hog.”
Reluctantly, I allow Evan to take her from me and hand her over to Aaron, who is now sitting in the chair beside me.
“Uncle Aaron says no dating until you’re thirty,” he coos to her. “All right, so what are we calling this little beauty?” he asks.
“Lexington. It’s Mom’s maiden name. I’m going to call her Lexi,” Evan says.
“That’s a kick-ass name, man. Does Miss Lexi have a middle name?”
“Rae. Lexington Rae Chamberlin.” Evan’s voice is strong with conviction that this is what he wants, to name his daughter after his mother’s family and me.
Aaron studies him then turns his gaze toward me. Our conversation about me being careful is running through his mind; I know it is. I smile broadly to let him know I’m good with this. He doesn’t say anything, but nods his acceptance.
Leaning his head down, he whispers, “It’s nice to meet you, Lexi Rae.”
Today’s the day I get to bring my little girl home. I’m not gonna lie, I’m scared as hell. This little angel depends on me for everything, me alone. I don’t want to fail her. Last night, I kept her with me in the room they gave me. I’m surprised they gave Misty and me both a room, and when I mentioned it to the nurse, they said that census was low and it wasn’t an issue. Lucky for me, I was able to keep Lexi with me all night. McKinley and Aaron offered to stay, but I told them to go. Lexi is my daughter, and I’m not going to have them ther
e when we get home. I need to get used to this.
I also needed some . . . distance from McKinley. The more time I spend with her, the more the lines blur. It’s a constant struggle to keep it to myself. Those lips—full, soft and so damn sweet—I can’t help but think about the kisses we’ve shared. Apparently, we’re friends who kiss. Friends, who kiss and don’t talk about it. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Not the kissing——that’s hot as hell. I’m not sure how I feel about not talking about it. On one hand, it’s a relief she’s not reading more into it. On the other hand, it kind of pisses me off that she’s not. Like she thinks those moments with her don’t mean something to me.
I’m a fucking mess.
Lexi whines from her bed and even though she barely slept last night, I can’t prevent the smile I know I’m sporting right now. Her being awake, again, means I get to hold her. The nurses said I’m going to spoil her. Of course I am, she’s my little angel.
“Come here, sweet girl,” I whisper as I lift her from her bed. She immediately goes quiet and closes her eyes. I take a seat back on the bed and lay her against my chest. My little girl wants her daddy. It’s a heady feeling, one that has twisted my heart around her chubby little fingers.
I wake up to the sound of soft voices. “He’s held her most of the night.” I open my eyes to see who’s talking. McKinley is here, talking to one of the nurses.
“Hey, sleepyhead.” She smiles softly—my smile, the one that makes her eyes sparkle. I could get used to waking up to that smile.
“Hi.” I kiss Lexi on top of the head and slowly sit up.
“Can I?” Kinley asks, her eyes never leaving my daughter.
I nod. My throat is tight with too much emotion from her simple request. My daughter’s mother wants nothing to do with her, yet this amazing girl can’t seem to get enough of her.
“Hello, sweet girl,” she whispers as she pulls her close and breathes her in. “I brought her some clothes,” she says, her voice soft and low. “I also brought the car seat, but we’re leaving it in my car. No way are we taking Miss Lexi home in your truck. I thought you were going to get a new one?” she asks.
