Heartache

by Danielle Allen

“Thanks for keeping me out of trouble tonight,” I replied, ignoring what he had just said. “And for working your IT magic.”

  Malik laughed. “You still owe me. Make the call. I’ll hit you up tomorrow.”

  I waved goodbye and took a seat on the porch. I ran my hands up and down my face trying to clear the fog my mind was in.

  If I had talked to her, if I had listened to her, if I had been there for her, she may still be alive. I was just so angry at her for cheating and then she was gone and I was left feeling confused and hurt and angry. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it aloud because it felt wrong to be angry at her.

  I watched the car slowly drive up the street toward the park and I took a deep breath. My pain in my chest wasn’t letting up.

  But I was hurt and I had a right to be hurt; she cheated on me. I was on the other side of the country being faithful and she was fucking with someone in her study group. That hurt. That hurt like hell. We’d grown up together. We made plans to move to New York together. And then she just— I didn’t even get a chance to work through my anger at Tia for what she did and how she betrayed me. I was mad and then all of a sudden she was gone and then I wasn’t allowed to be mad anymore.

  I shook my head and focused on the first thing I could find to distract me. A couple was holding hands, walking to one of the houses up the street. I didn’t remember their names, but I remembered the matching orange jackets they wore. Even in the dark, they glowed.

  I ended the friendship with Bianca because I wasn’t looking for what she was looking for. I was doing it to protect her. I didn’t want to hurt her. I would never want to hurt her.

  I put the heel of my hand into my chest, right over my heart, and pressed down. The pain intensified.

  But that’s exactly what I did. I hurt her anyway. I never wanted it to be like this. Bianca left here crying because of me, because I hurt her. I can’t leave things like that.

  I stood up and rubbed the chill off of my arms. It wasn’t a chilly night, but I couldn’t get the cold that had settled on me to go away.

  And I need to tell her who was sending the messages, I rationalized. She deserves to know. She was helping me look for her. It’s only right.

  I went back inside the house, grabbed my phone and keys, and then ran to my car. Trying not to speed, I drove to Bianca’s side of town. When I turned onto her street, I saw that the gate was closed. I parked in front of the gate and looked for her car. It wasn’t in the driveway.

  Picking up the phone, I called Bianca. She didn’t answer.

  I sent a text message asking her to call me. She didn’t respond.

  I reclined my car seat back and waited. She didn’t come back.

  I fell asleep waiting and was startled awake by the knock at the car window.

  I looked around groggily as the light shined in my face.

  “Excuse me sir,” the police officer greeted me once I sat up. After she flashed her badge, I rolled my window down. “We received a call about a man parked outside of this residence. Do you have identification on you?”

  “Yes,” I replied huskily.

  What time is it? I reached in my pocket for my wallet and pulled out my license. Glancing at the clock on the dashboard, I did a double take. Four o’clock in the morning!

  She handed the license back to me. “Have you been drinking?”

  “No ma’am.”

  “What is your business outside of this residence?”

  “I was waiting for the woman who lives here. She—”

  The officer interrupted, “Does she know you are waiting? Because that seems a little unorthodox.”

  “No, she doesn’t know, but I need to see her. I called and texted and—”

  “That sounds excessive, sir,” she cut in. “Did you have plans to harm her?”

  “No, not at all!” I realized how my earlier statements sounded and I tried to redirect. “There was a situation earlier and I just wanted to make sure she was okay, that we were okay.”

  “Sir, most stalking situations sound sweet in the stalker’s mind.”

  “With all due respect, I am not a stalker.”

  “With all due respect Mr. Harper, wouldn’t a stalker deny being a stalker?”

  I dropped my head back against the headrest. I was tired and fatigued and this cop was starting to piss me off.

  I can’t lose my contract with Charlotte Spence because I got arrested for loitering or stalking. And I’m not even stalking! I’m here to tell her that I found out who was stalking me! What the hell? Is this karma?

  I rubbed my eyes and cleared my throat, trying to wake myself up. She was still shining the light in my eyes so I had to face forward.

  “Ma’am, I understand how this looks and how it sounds, but I swear to God I know the woman who lives here. This isn’t anything malicious or creepy.”

  “Verify you know the resident of the house and I’ll consider not taking you in. I’ve gotten a lot of calls about where and how you’re parked.”

  I sighed. I stared up the darkened street, gripping the steering wheel. “Bianca Baker is twenty-six. She went to boarding school in New York. She got her degrees from VCU. She drives a red two-door coup. She drinks imported wine or water, nothing else. She chews the corner of her lip when she’s nervous. She swears like a sailor and is quick to call someone out on their bull—on their BS. She’s beautiful and strong and funny and sweet and thoughtful and talented and intelligent and witty and I could go on, but I won’t. I know her. I. Know. Her. She’s my best friend. If I need to leave, I’ll leave. But I’m here because I hurt her—not like that,” I corrected quickly, knowing how the cop was twisting my words around. “I wasn’t honest with her and I hurt her. Emotionally. Not physically.”

  “Okay, I’m convinced.” She nodded, but didn’t stop shining the light in my face. “I won’t write you a ticket or take you in for trespassing because I don’t believe you to be a threat and I do believe you know her, Mr. Harper. I believe you’re even in love with her.”

  She paused and I didn’t correct her.

  What would be the point?

  “But if she isn’t answering your calls or acknowledging that you’re outside of her home, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

  “Yes ma’am. Thank you.”

  Starting my engine, I pulled off. I didn’t even look into my rearview mirror until I was a few houses down. I didn’t see anything so I breathed a sigh of relief.

  All clear.

  Driving aimlessly, I wound up at Art House. Only one car was in the lot so I figured it would be a quiet night.

  Might as well get some work done, I thought as I swiped my card to get into the building. If I finish up the first two, I’ll be ready to meet with the models tomorrow. I looked at the time on my phone as I pressed the elevator button. Well, technically in five hours.

  Walking into my studio, I immediately turned on some music, cranking it up. Moving the painting I’d done earlier out of the way, I sat in front of the unfinished paintings. Working well into the morning, I finished them both and was pleased with the final product. Taking a picture of each one, I sent them to Charlotte Spence.

  This is what I’ve worked for. This is what matters. There are no risks that can hurt me with art. It’s self-expression. It’s raw. It’s gotten me through everything, I realized, getting up and setting the canvases in the back of the room to dry.

  Looking at the clock, I had twenty minutes before my eleven o’clock model was scheduled to arrive.

  Calling downstairs, I was surprised when Monroe answered the line.

  “Art House, Monroe speaking.”

  “Hey, it’s Roman.”

  “Roman, oh my God! I’m so sorry about last night. I have a meeting with Meredith today where we will discuss—”

  “I don’t want to talk about it right now, Monroe. I was just calling to let you know that Mica Li has an eleven o’clock appointment with me. Please send her up as soon as she arrives. I have a o
ne o’clock appointment as well that can be sent up. Her name is—shit!”

  Bumping into the table, I knocked over a glass jar full of water.

  “I have to go,” I muttered, disconnecting the call and turning my phone off.

  Picking up all of the large pieces of glass, I used the broom to sweep up the rest. I wiped up the water, but I felt like I was missing a piece of glass somewhere.

  My hunt for the glass was cut short when there was a knock at the door. Opening it, I smiled.

  “Hi Mica. How are you?” I greeted her, stepping back so that she could walk in.

  “I’m good,” she said flirtatiously, flipping her dark hair over her shoulder. “Better now that I’m here.”

  Ignoring her tone, I went over the paperwork for me to use her image. Mica didn’t appear to be listening as every time I looked up from the contract, she was staring at me.

  I sighed.

  I’d never slept with a model that I was painting and I hated when models came in with that expectation. Instead of focusing on posing and keeping the same pose, they focused on trying to be sexy. Looking at Mica, I could tell she was one of the ones who thought we were going to sleep together.

  Because who wears a short ass dress to a face modeling job?

  Mica signed the paperwork and then found two excuses to touch me while I sat her in the chair next to the canvas.

  “As I told you over the phone, this is an abstract collection so your face will be the focal point of the piece, but it won’t be a traditional portrait.”

  “You’re so talented so I know whatever you do will be amazing. You are seriously one of the greats.”

  “Thanks.” I sighed and my chest tightened.

  One of the things I miss about Bianca is that she never felt the need to kiss my ass. All of her praise felt honest and sincere.

  Mica talked about herself the entire time, not-so-subtly mentioning how all of her friends thought that we’d be hot together. What should’ve taken an hour took an hour and a half because she wouldn’t keep still. When I finished, I was more than ready for her to leave.

  As I walked her to the elevator, she gave me her card. “You should call me. For some fun outside of the studio.”

  I smiled politely. “Have a good day, Mica.”

  Once I was behind the closed studio door, I let out a harsh breath. Shaking my arms out, I tried to shake off the annoyance that was creeping up.

  Between everything that’s happened over the last twenty-four hours and my lack of sleep, the next model would be better off canceling our appointment.

  I had time to grab a bottle of water before my next appointment knocked on the door.

  Opening it, I froze.

  “B,” I breathed, looking at her as if it was the first time I’d ever laid eyes on her. My gut twisted, causing my breath to come out in jagged bursts. She looked beautiful. Sad, but beautiful.

  “Hi, Ro. Can I come in?”

  I backed up, holding the door open for her. “Of course. Have a seat.”

  My eyes memorized her body as she walked across the room to the couch in her tight jeans. Turning on her heels, she took a seat and crossed her legs. My eyes roamed over the soft angles of her face and the fullness of her lips as she licked them. With her hair pulled up in a ball on the top of her head, it emphasized her neck and the deep V-neck of her shirt. I tried not to look, but was unsuccessful.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” I said, breaking the silence.

  Walking across the room, I sat on the stool in front of her. I didn’t trust myself to sit next to her.

  “I went by your house last night to tell you I figured out who was sending the messages.”

  Her eyes widened and her eyebrows shot up. “Who was it?”

  “Meredith.”

  Bianca’s mouth dropped open. “No way! That’s fucking insane.”

  I smiled. “Yeah. And you want to know how she got the information about Tia and everything else?”

  “How?”

  “Benjamin.”

  Bianca took off her heels and leaned forward with her forearms on her knees. “Tell me everything.”

  I recapped the events starting with the last email exchange and ending with my drive to her house.

  “So I must have fallen asleep waiting for you to get home and I was questioned by the police. I kept thinking about how crazy it would be for me to get arrested for stalking you while I was coming to tell you that I caught who was stalking me.”

  She laughed and I joined in. After I’d stopped laughing, she continued.

  “Okay, it wasn’t that funny,” I joked, rolling my stool closer to her so I could push her shoulder.

  She sat back on the couch and laughed harder. Everything about that sound filled me with happiness.

  “What is so funny?”

  “Did you ask to see a badge?”

  I felt my eyebrows furrow. “No, she flashed one and the light was in my eye.”

  Bianca’s laugh tapered off, but there was still a lightness in her voice. “It’s not funny. But it kind of is. Last night, that wasn’t a police officer. That was Amber.”

  My stomach dropped. “What?”

  “Amber, my best friend. She came into town last night. She was supposed to be coming to get away from her boyfriend, but she ended up coming to help me pack some of my stuff.” The laughter had left her voice and the sadness had returned.

  “Where are you going?” I asked carefully.

  Just thinking about Bianca leaving was making my chest hurt. I brought the heel of my hand to the spot directly over my heart and pressed.

  “New York. My parents sold the house. I thought I had more time, but I don’t have a job here, I don’t have a home here, so there’s really no reason for me to stay. For me to do what I want to do, I should probably be in New York anyway, you know?”

  Nodding, I swallowed around the growing lump in my throat.

  “I’m going to go to New York with Amber to look at a few places to live in the city. Once I find something, I’m coming back to finish packing my stuff and coordinating what needs to go into storage for my parents.”

  “So when you get back, you’ll be here for the rest of the month?”

  She shook her head. “Not even. A few days, at best. There’s no reason for me to stay here.”

  “Oh. Okay.” I didn’t know what to say, but I couldn’t sit still anymore. I started pacing with my arms crossed.

  This is good news. This is what needed to happen. Even though I pushed her away, I kept being drawn to her, so this is for the best. This is what needs to happen. This is good news, I tried to convince myself.

  Bianca got up, crossed the room, and started pacing in the opposite direction. “I know you said you didn’t want to be friends or anything anymore, but I will miss you,” Bianca admitted.

  I looked over at her and immediately looked away.

  She has no idea how much I will miss her, how much I miss her already. God, why can’t this be easy? I know this is the way it has to be. I know that my past is the reason it has to be this way. I know this whole thing is on me, but I’m doing this for her. I’m doing this so that she can be happy. I need her to be happy. I don’t want to kill her happiness. But that doesn’t mean it’s not going to hurt like hell to see her go.

  “I’ll miss you, too.” My throat tightened around the words as I said them.

  “After the way we left things, I was surprised when Amber came in from her walk and told me you were outside. She told me that you were sleeping outside of the gate and that she ran you off. After I told her what happened with us, she convinced me to come and talk to you instead of just leaving.”

  Thank God for fake cop Amber.

  “You were going to just leave without saying goodbye?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound as pathetic as I felt for asking.

  She looked away from me. “I don’t know. I’d like to think I could’ve and would’ve. But…I don’t know.”

  I didn
’t know how to respond to that so we paced in silence for a minute.

  “Ow! Shit!” Bianca screeched, hopping on one foot. “I stepped on something.”

  The glass!

  Taking the three steps to get to her, I scooped her up in my arms and carried her to the couch. Each step was a struggle because feeling her body, smelling her scent, and looking at her face that close up was overwhelming. I held my breath until I put her down.

  Going to grab the first aid kit, I sat down beside her with her legs in my lap, feet in my hand. With tweezers, I pulled the small piece of glass out and then cleaned and bandaged her foot.

  “All done,” I announced, still holding on to her legs.

  Bianca’s eyes were glistening when I looked up at her. “Thank you,” she whispered, chewing on the corner of her lip before she continued. “I should probably get going.”

  Her brown eyes were opened wide, staring at me, seeing through me. It was a terrifying feeling to know that she could see right through me, but I didn’t look away immediately.

  The moment I felt something in me break, I shifted my eyes quickly.

  Still holding on to her, I agreed, “Probably so. My next appointment should be here soon.”

  I heard the trembling sigh before her voice cracked when she said, “Okay then.”

  Pulling her legs out of my lap, she stood, sliding her heels back on.

  I ran my hands down my face a couple of times before I stood and followed her to the door. My heart was hammering in my chest. My breathing was coming out in erratic puffs. It felt like I was on the brink of an anxiety attack.

  She’s about to leave. She’s about to move away. I’m about to lose her.

  As Bianca reached for the door handle, I reached for Bianca. Spinning her around, I pinned her to the door with my hips as I slid my hands over her shoulders to her neck, cradling her head with my thumbs.

  Neither of us said a word, but I could see in her eyes that she knew exactly what I was thinking.

  Looking into each other’s eyes, I closed the two-inch gap between us and just barely brushed my lips against hers. Her lips were soft and warm and I tried to savor as much as I could in the brevity of the kiss. Pulling away slightly, I looked into her eyes again and saw that they were wet with tears.