Degrade

by T. L Smith

  “You look lost,” he says as we pull up at the beach. I manage a smile and shake my head. He comes around and takes hold of my hand walking next to me. I wonder if this is a fine line we’re walking. Even though nothing is overstepping the mark, I wonder if I really should be out with him today.

  “What are we doing?” I ask as we head to the beach. He stops and points to the two Jet Skis sitting out in the ocean.

  “I don’t know how to ride one of those,” I say shaking my head.

  “It’s easy,” he says pulling out a wetsuit and explaining to me what to do. When my feet hit the water, it’s cold and I don’t want to walk in the water. Jagger notices my reaction and walks over to me already wet, lifts me up and throws me over his shoulder. I laugh at him until he places me on the Jet Ski and shows me what to do.

  It’s fun, I want one. I wonder if I should move closer to the beach so I could do something like this every day. Feel nothing but the wind in my hair and the spray of the ocean. Jagger laughs when I go to fast and get thrown off, my teeth chattering from the frozen ocean. He gives me a hand up and I manage to catch him off guard and pull him down with me. When his head rises from the water, he shakes it off and smiles. I try to swim away as fast as possible, but he catches me by the leg and pulls me back. I laugh, but he holds me in place treading water. His face is mixed, it’s as if he wants to say something but can’t get the words out. My laughter dies down as I look at him.

  “Do you love him?” he asks still holding me above water.

  “Zeke?” I ask, already knowing who he’s talking about. He nods his head and I do too.

  “I don’t want to love him. Actually it’s probably the last thing that I want to do. I just can’t stop,” I tell him, my emotions mixed.

  “He isn’t good for you, Bexley.”

  “My head knows this, just not my heart,” I tell him. He releases me and we climb back on the Jet Skis. He doesn’t say much, little to nothing as we finish up and drive back to Zeke’s home. When we come to a stop at the front, I turn to see a pained expression on his face, he tries to hide it when he looks at me.

  “I want to tell you to go in there and get your things, so I can take you away. Show you something better.” He stops and takes a deep breath. “But I know you won’t when you look at him. I know it’s only him. Just remember, if you can’t do this anymore, call me,” he says and leans over and places a soft kiss on my mouth. I don’t stop him, he’s a beautiful man, no a stunning man. I know he means the words he’s spoken. I break away and get out of his car, waving to him as he drives off. When I turn to go into the house, Zeke is standing there watching me.

  I don’t walk toward him at first, staying where I am. Watching him, he’s angry, his face is hard. He opens the door and gestures me to come in. My steps are slow and deliberate, not knowing what’s to come or what he even saw. When I reach him, he doesn’t move, he’s standing in front of me. Hard body and a harder stare.

  “Have a nice day?” he asks angrily.

  “I had a great day,” I whisper, looking into his eyes.

  “I gathered that,” he says nodding his head in the direction where Jagger’s just left. I go to walk past him and he stops me with his hand on my arm.

  “You want to fuck him, Bexley?” he asks leaning down so he’s in my face when he asks.

  “No,” I say getting angry. He notices and his head tips to the side assessing me.

  “Why were his lips on you?” he sneers.

  I want to slap him, I did nothing wrong. I didn’t ask for his lips on me. “Fuck you,” I say pulling my arm free and walking inside the house. He follows me. I can hear his heavy footsteps coming closer. I make it to the bedroom and close and lock the door just before he gets there. He tries to unlock with no luck and starts cursing.

  “Bexley, open the fucking door. This conversation is not finished,” he says punching the door. I jump from the shock and cover my erratically beating heart with my hands. I manage to calm down, knowing he’d never hurt me and try to even out my breathing.

  “Bexley, grow the fuck up and open this door. We’re having a conversation…now! Stop acting like a fucking child and open the fucking door,” he screams the last part. I ignore him, which maybe proves that I am being childish as he suggested.

  He stops yelling and I go for a shower, it’s late and I want to go to sleep. When I finish I wonder if I’m actually being childish. But then, I remember I don’t give a fuck if I am and roll over and go to sleep.

  I wake sometime later to Zeke crawling into bed with me. I don’t fully wake. He doesn’t say anything when he climbs in bed and wraps me in his arms as he pulls me closer to him. I lay there while pretending I’m still asleep when he kisses my head and holds me tight for a few seconds longer. Then sleep claims me again.

  Stolen kisses are always sweetest.

  ~Leigh Hunt~

  I’m glad I couldn’t see her last night and I’m glad she locked the door on me and didn’t open it. After I had stood there for another five minutes with no answer, I left. I went straight to Aria’s house to pay her brother a visit. He wasn’t shocked when he saw me; he merely opened the door to let me in. I didn’t have the right words for him straight away, I simply walked up and punched him straight in the face and broke his nose. I heard it crack under my hand. He started laughing and I wanted to hit him again.

  “You want a broken knee cap to go with that nose?” I ask him, stepping closer. He lifted his hand to stop me then replaced it back to his nose to stop the bleeding.

  “I needed to see if you loved her, I guess I got my answer,” Jagger says with his hand partially covering his mouth.

  “You kissed my fucking girl to see if I loved her? I should break your fucking knee cap for being so stupid,” I seethe and take a step closer as he steps back.

  “Do you know what today is?” he asks mumbling the words so I can barely understand him.

  “What has the day got to do with anything?” I yell at him.

  “It’s her birthday, man, and I knew you wouldn’t do anything. So I took her out,” he says shaking his head. I step back from him. Not really looking at him, but staring blankly. I know when her birthday is. I know all her history, I carried out a full check on her. I grab my phone and look at the date. June the first. Fuck! It is her birthday and I was a fucking asshole.

  I don’t say anything when I leave, just leave him on the porch of the house with a bloody nose which is most likely broken. When I get home, I wonder if she’s pissed at me for not doing anything, or even remembering. It’s not something I do. Fuck, I don’t even remember my own fucking birthday, let alone some else’s. But I want to do something, need to do something, to make up for it. I Google what to get your girlfriend for her birthday, ‘cause I sure as shit have no fucking idea. The top hit seems to be flowers. So on my way home, I stop at a flower shop and buy as many as I can that will fit in my car. Then I purchase chocolates, and order jewelry, all online and guaranteeing they will be delivered tomorrow.

  I pick the lock on the door when I arrive home and see Bexley sleeping. She has a pillow on either side of her and her legs wrapped around one. She’s wearing my shirt and nothing else. I shower and climb in behind her, and when I lay next to her, I bring her to me and kiss her head. Hoping and praying to the Gods above that we don’t shatter each other. But I have a feeling it’s inevitable.

  There is no remedy for love but to love more.

  ~Henry David Thoreau~

  He’s asleep when I wake up and still has me secured by his side. I often wonder how one person can stay in the same spot all night. I know, I don’t. I woke to his face this morning, meaning I turned around instead of having my back to him. I lift his arm gently and manage to get out of bed without waking him. I go to the bathroom, then move to the kitchen to make some breakfast. When I step into the living room, a scream rips from my mouth as balloons attack my face. I calm myself down enough to actually look around. The floor is covered in flowers,
the coffee table is covered in chocolates, all sorts of chocolates, even strawberries covered in chocolate. I hear running and turn to see Zeke standing in the doorway naked with a gun raised in preparation.

  “Ummm,” is all I manage to say? He turns to me and sees the questionable look on my face. He looks around one more time before he lowers his gun and I take my time assessing his body. It never gets old, the look of him. Even the scars that maim his body make him that much more attractive. He notices me staring and smirks.

  “You like?” he asks gesturing to the room. I have to remove my eyes from his now growing cock to understand he means the room instead of him. I nod my head and my eyes wander around at all the different kinds of flowers that are everywhere. And I mean everywhere; on the floor, the couch, the television. Pink, yellow, white, red; all the colors you could think of. And then there are balloons that are pinned to the roof, not to mention the chocolate. I turn back to him and he’s watching me, waiting for my reaction.

  “You did all this?” I ask. He nods his head and I have to ask, “Why?”

  “For your birthday,” he simply says.

  “Today isn’t my birthday,” I say stating the obvious.

  “I know this, it was yesterday.”

  “And you only just remembered?”

  “Well, I may have had help,” he says, looking down at his hand. When I look, his knuckles are red.

  “Who did you hit?” I ask, wanting to know.

  “Apart from the wall,” he says to which I nod. “Jagger,” he states shrugging like it’s nothing.

  “Why…why would you do that?”

  “His lips were on you and they’re mine, not his.”

  “Have you gone full blown caveman?” I ask raising my eyebrows. His lip twitches and I can tell he wants to smile or laugh.

  “I’ll always be a caveman on your ass, Pixie,” he says stepping closer.

  “Pixie?” I ask him.

  “Yes, my little blonde pixie. Who is mine! And the next man that touches you will get a bullet instead of my fist.” I go step toward him when the front door is slammed open and a very pissed off Aria walks in straight to Zeke and clobbers him in the nose. Zeke takes a step back from the force of her punch and stands there.

  “Aria, do you know what happened to the last person who touched me like that?” Zeke asks in anger. Aria shrugs her shoulders like she doesn’t give a fuck.

  “I get home this morning to find my brother in a pool of blood with his nose broken. And when I asked who did this, he smiled and responded that it was you. So, of course, I had to return the favor,” she says calmly rubbing her hand. I stand there shocked watching the whole thing play out, mainly because he’s naked, and it seems Aria’s just noticed as well ‘cause she looks down and smiles wider.

  “If your brother learned to keep his lips off my girl, he wouldn’t be harmed,” he tells her, to which she looks to me then back at his cock. I can’t help the laugh that forms from her boldness. “Aria, if you’ve finished staring, I would love for you to get the fuck out of my house.” Her head cocks up and she laughs at him. She turns to me still laughing. “Any good?” she asks pointing to his cock. Zeke grabs her arm and takes her to the front door, pushing her through then slamming it in her face. He mutters something on his walk back to me shaking his head.

  “I swear, that girl has more than a few screws lose.” I can’t help the laugh that bursts from me this time. He doesn’t even care that she saw him naked. Fuck! He hasn’t even cared enough to get dressed. “I like you in my clothes, it makes me all caveman and shit,” he says stepping closer, then closer, until he reaches me.

  “Well, I’m pretty sure a caveman wouldn’t be buying me roses,” I say gesturing to the beautiful display that is the living room. He nods his head and smiles. “True.”

  He reaches for the table and hands me something in a box, I open it to find a small diamond ring, it’s laced with diamonds all around the band. I know it’s not an engagement ring. I breathe out a sigh and then slide it on my hand.

  “I love it,” I tell him. He looks happy, his face has lost the stone cold look he usually carries.

  “How did you come up with all this at such late notice?” I ask, looking at him then back to the flower display.

  “Google,” he tells me.

  “You Googled what to buy a girlfriend, didn’t you?” I hold my lips tight knowing I’m seconds away from bursting into laughter. His facial expressions confirm it.

  “How the fuck else was I meant to know?” he asks rubbing his jaw, which has grown a slight stubble.

  “You know, most only get a bunch of flowers and chocolates, not the whole store,” I tell him. He looks surprised at first.

  “Why would they buy just one? What’s the point in that shit?” he looks clearly confused.

  “Do you honestly believe you needed to buy the whole store?” I say to him reaching down and picking up the stunning yellow tulips.

  “Yes,” he says like I should know this.

  “It’s very thoughtful and beautiful,” I tell him, his smile grows wide.

  “Does that mean I get extra brownie points for buying the entire store? Like…maybe, sex in bed all day?” he asks picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder while walking me back to the bedroom.

  “Well, there you go, I thought you’d lost your caveman instincts for a second, but lo and behold, here we are again.” I laugh and reach for his ass. It’s gorgeous, and watching it move as he walks I want to grab it.

  “Stop looking at my ass, Pixie,” he says just as we reach the room.

  “I wasn’t,” I lie.

  “Liar,” he says throwing me on the bed. He then is undressing me and taking me nine ways to Sunday. How could I not love this man?

  Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

  ~Emily Bronte~

  We stayed in bed all weekend with no distractions, both of our phones were turned off and if someone knocked on the door, we didn’t answer. We ordered take out, I cooked for her, and I pleased her both orally and sexually. So when Monday came around and we both had to resume our normal lives, I was disappointed, surprisingly so. I enjoyed it, I enjoyed spoiling her. Making her feel the way she has always made me feel which is above cloud nine. That’s the effect she has on people, always putting others before herself, and it felt awesome.

  I’m sitting in a meeting with Quinton and it’s playing on my nerves because I want to get back home. I want to lay her back down and never leave the bed without her. I don’t know how to control these thoughts and feelings that are consuming me. I don’t know why I have them. I didn’t want to love her. I didn’t want to love, period. But I do, I love her something fierce, and it took me losing her to see that.

  I manage to escape later that afternoon, and I’m anxious to get back home, though when I do arrive home I don’t see her anywhere. I check everywhere in the house. When there’s no sign, I walk to the front of the house where my office is and see her sitting at my desk reading things she should not be reading. I cough to alert her to my presence and she jumps and puts on a fake smile. I stay where I am in the doorway wondering what it is she’s found that has her so focused. Her face flushes and she looks down at the papers and stacks them back where they were. I look down on the desk from the door and see that it’s my gun shipment. Something, she definitely should not be reading.

  “What are you doing, Bexley?” I ask. She raises herself from the desk and walks toward me.

  “I was looking for Aria’s number, I don’t have it,” she says trying to look innocent, but I know when someone lies straight to my face. You can see it in their body language.

  “You could have called me,” I tell her, not moving out of the doorway to let her pass. I want to be mad, I want to hold her down and torture the words from her mouth. But I know, I know she won’t say anything. She will lie through her two front teeth.

  I step aside and let her pass, she doesn’t look at me when she d
oes and she walks faster to be out of my way. If I didn’t suspect anything before, I do now that’s for sure.

  I manage to calm myself down enough to see her, after an hour sitting in my office looking at everything she could have seen today. These papers would normally not be here, they would be stacked securely in my safe if it weren't for the weekend we’d had. I cringe knowing what she’s seen.

  She’s on the sofa when I find her, her legs tucked up under her ass and she’s transfixed on a reality television show. She looks to me and smiles then looks straight back to the television.

  “Would you hide things from me, Pixie?” I ask her sitting down next to her. She turns the television down and faces me.

  “Like the way you hide things from me, Zeke?” she asks firing my own question back at me. I want to shake my head and do bad things to her, but I could never bring myself to hurt her, even if she is perhaps my enemy.

  “I do it to protect you. Things you shouldn’t know about, things that would get you killed.”

  She takes a moment before she answers, her blue eyes looking into mine. “I’d do the same,” she says turning back to the television, returning the volume to its normal level. I grab her and pull her to me. She comes willingly and lays down in my lap. I stroke her short blonde hair wondering when the day will come that everything is destroyed.

  We both fell asleep, but when I wake that next day, she’s gone, and so are all her things.

  I have searched for her, but she’s completely disappeared.

  I’m losing business. My head isn’t in the game anymore. I just want her, and then the next minute I wish to hurt her.

  Nothing! But I have a feeling everything is about to explode.

  Only do what your heart tells you.

  ~Princess Diana~

  I have been going out of my mind, I can’t find her anywhere. She has just disappeared. And I can find anyone at any time, I have the resources to do so. It’s part of who I am. I wonder if she really loved me like she said she did? If those eyes that sparkle just for me, also sparkle for someone else.