PUCK (A BAD BOY HOCKEY ROMANCE)

by Marx, Jessica

  “Nothing new. What can I get you? Usual?” I ask.

  “Of course,” he answers. His brow furrows like he’s concerned. “You sure you’re okay, though?”

  “I’m very okay, Ken,” I reply, trying to sound more like myself, “Are you sure you’re okay? You forgot to give me your ‘dark and sweet’ line.”

  “Shit. This could have been my day, too,” Ken jokes back. We fall into the familiar routine and carry on. I’m glad he didn’t persist.

  The afternoon turns to evening and we die down fairly early in the night. Ken left sometime after dinner and I feel better than when I came in. Sometimes pretending everything is okay makes it so—at least, for a while. I clean up, close the register, and get my coat. It’s freezing outside, so I bundle up and prepare to walk home. I step outside and shiver. I let the cold hit me and then take off in a slow jog toward my apartment. I just want to get home and into the heat again. I’m also anxious to see if Ryan came back yet.

  I run up the steps of the building and inside. It feels nice in here and I climb the stairs to the apartment. I turn my key in the lock, being sure to make some noise as I do to alert Ryan that I’m here in case he did come back. I prepare myself for whatever is on the other side of the door, but when I step inside, the apartment is still empty.

  My short-lived happiness is immediately drained. I can call Ryan, but I wouldn’t know what to say.

  I wistfully walk through the apartment, not knowing what to do. I shower and get into bed for lack of any better idea, but I just lie there. I flip through the channels on the TV, but nothing is catching my attention. I just keep waiting to hear him coming in the door, but it doesn’t happen. I give in to exhaustion and fall asleep late well past midnight.

  I wake up much later, knowing already that Ryan never came home. There’s this… absence lingering in the air, a void where Ryan once was. I can feel it in my bones, and it does nothing but unnerve me even more.

  I get out of bed and walk to the door to peek out, just in case I am wrong, but I’m not. I brew some coffee while I brush my teeth and use the bathroom then pour myself a cup of coffee. I sit silently at the kitchen table, staring blankly. I feel like I lost my best friend, which seems appropriate, since that’s exactly what happened.

  I decide I should work out or do something productive today before my shift starts this afternoon. I force myself up from the table to head to my room and hear the familiar click of the lock in the door. I stand there, frozen.

  Ryan pushes the door open and casually walks in. He sees me standing in the middle of the room and pauses for a moment. Then he continues to the kitchen.

  “Hey, Eve,” he says with a friendly smile as he walks past me.

  What the fuck? Why is he acting like nothing happened? How is he acting like that? I thought I wanted everything forgotten, but maybe I was wrong.

  “Hey Ryan,” I reply hesitantly. “Where have you been?”

  “Tony’s. Just needed some space to think,” he answers.

  “Oh. Okay.” I want to expand on what I’m thinking, but I don’t want to wind up in the same place we were when this all started.

  “I know you’re not into talking about your feelings, Eve,” Ryan begins, “so I’ll just talk and you can listen. I understand why you don’t want to do this. I respect that… I just want you in my life and if it means only being friends, then so be it. Let’s just forget everything—the kiss, the fight, the whole weekend, and go back to the way we were.” He can’t look me in the eyes when he is speaking, which is very unlike him. I can tell he’s not being honest, but this is what I hoped for, so I have no choice but to concede.

  “Okay, Ryan,” I say slowly. I’m still trying to process what was said. “If you think that’s what is best, then that’s what we’ll do.” It’s a lame answer, and not what I really want to say, but it’s the best I can come up with.

  “I don’t know what’s best, Eve,” Ryan says in a raised voice, but quickly calms down. “I’m trying to respect what you want and hold on to our friendship. For now, that’s all I can do.”

  “Thank you, Ryan,” I say. “That means a lot.”

  This is so wrong. I think I might be in love with him. I‘m almost sure of it. But after what we just went through, I can’t tell him. I can’t treat him like that. I’ll just have to let things play out and let nature take its course.

  “So, are we cool?” Ryan asks with a hint of a smile and his old self.

  “Yes. Cool,” I reply with a cheesy grin, holding up my hand for a high-five. I feel totally lame, but I can’t hug him right now. I don’t want to be that close to him. I need a little more time to get back into the friend zone.

  We talk briefly about a few random things, and then I excuse myself, saying I have to work out. Ryan happily ends our conversation with a smile and disappears into his room. Even though we aren’t chatting about anything important, it feels like there are so many things not being said. I can only hope we will be able to repair the damage we have done—that I have done. Ryan is only doing what he thinks I want him to do. Then again, if he was in love with me, would he let me go so easily?

  Chapter 10

  Ryan and I spend the next couple of days being overly polite and walking on eggshells. We are trying to be friends again, but no matter how many times he calls me Sis, it’s just not working. I don’t feel like a stepsister anymore… He doesn’t feel like a roommate. Still, we have dinner together on the couch and watch a movie, and things start to feel like the old days again. With the end of the week approaching, we won’t see each other as much because of our schedules, but I don’t think that’s such a bad thing.

  We walk together to our class at AGR on Monday and I’m tense. I assume that since the reading we did last week was romantic, this week will be something different, but you never know. We meet up with our friends in the studio and everyone seems to have forgotten about last week—not that they even knew the effect it had on me and Ryan, anyway. Sarah comes in and explains what we will be doing today and I relieved to hear it will be something comedic. I glance at Ryan and notice he looks more relaxed, as well. Neither one of us wants to relive last week’s episode.

  After the workshop is over, we all go out for drinks and some food. There’s one more week left of taking this class together, and we are all going to miss it. Somehow, the topic of “when we make it big” always finds its way into the conversation. I love having this group who shares and understands the dream of being that one in a million who actually succeeds.

  Ryan and I continue the ebb and flow of repairing our friendship, and by the time the following weekend comes, we seem to have gotten our groove back. We have successfully left our debacle behind us. I have also managed to repress my own feelings and hope that eventually they just go away. I believe they will, because we really do make great friends.

  The couple of nights Ryan went out with his friends, he came home alone. Not that he would hook up every time he goes out, but a small part of me wonders if he’s doing it to protect me. An even smaller part wonders if he is waiting for me to have a change of heart. I’m sure he will move on soon enough. He’s a man, and that’s what they do… Right?

  With Christmas only a few weeks away, we decide to buy a small tree for the apartment to make it festive. We bundle up one evening and go to the parking lot around the block where a temporary Christmas tree lot has been set up. We find the nicest of the miniature trees and bring it back to the apartment to decorate. I had already purchased a small bag of ornaments, and Ryan bought one of those boxed sets, and together they are enough to cover the tiny sapling. We play some holiday music and drink hot chocolate while we hang the ornaments on the tree. Doing this with Ryan is one of the best nights I’ve had in a very long time. It feels like being back home…

  Spending that time together, relaxed and just being ourselves is exactly what we needed to seal the deal. We are getting along again and there doesn’t seem to be any more tension between the t
wo of us—at least, on the outside. I am still completely confused about my feelings, and I had to fight myself not to drift into dangerous fantasies when I was alone in the dark, but I’m not going to bring Ryan into that. I don’t need to complicate things between us again.

  We brave the cold for our final class at the Atlantic Green Room. I hope we can all manage to get into another, at some point, but for now, this is it. We settle in and take our usual seats in the cozy room. Sarah comes in with our final instructions and we have a great time. In the last part of the class, she has us cold read parts for the last day of high school as a group. Between the scene itself, our friendship, and our acting skills, most of us are crying by the end like a bunch of teenagers. It’s perfect.

  We applaud each other, and our acting coach, and are smiling again by the time we are ready to say our goodbyes. Each of us give Sarah a big hug before we put on our coats. She asks Ryan if he can stay for a few minutes and of course he agrees. He says he’ll catch up with us after so we go ahead to the bar without him. We’re wondering what she wanted to see him about. I suggest that maybe she wants to talk to him about a part or something. Tony thinks she wants to bang him. I guessed I’d find out soon enough.

  We are halfway through our first round of drinking when Ryan walks in the bar smiling ear to ear.

  “I knew it. She definitely blew him,” Tony says before Ryan gets to the table.

  “You’re such a dick, Tony,” Tara says with a laugh. Ryan stands at the edge of the table.

  “So?” Tara says. “What happened?”

  “Possibly the most amazing thing ever,” Ryan replies, still standing, but he doesn’t indulge. He always was a pro at suspense.

  “What?” we all ask excitedly at almost the same time.

  “Sarah told me that a casting director who works with Pacific Green Room, AGR’s office in Los Angeles, is looking to fill a supporting role in a big feature film,” Ryan explains. “The actor they had lined up took a different part. She thinks I will be perfect for it and wants me to do a recorded audition tomorrow.”

  We all give him words of encouragement and high-fives and fist pumps—this is the most amazing news any of us have ever heard. Even though it’s happening to Ryan, it’s almost like we are all a part of it.

  “Hell yeah!” Tony shouts and comes around the table to give his friend a pat on the back.

  “I didn’t get the part yet, guys,” Ryan says, taking us down a notch as he sits. “I still have to audition.”

  “Dude, you will definitely get the part,” Tony replies. “You have the skills, and who can say no to those baby blues?”

  We clink our glasses and say cheers to our first friend with a very good chance of becoming a star. We order another round of drinks and talk about Ryan and his possible big break for the rest of the night. I am so happy for him. This part could make his entire career. My heart does sink a little when I realize that it will also mean he will have to leave. And if this movie is a hit, he might just move to California and never come back.

  We stay out late to celebrate, but Ryan wants to be in good form for his audition tomorrow, so he only has one drink and then takes it easy. He leaves earlier than the rest of us, who continue to party in his honor.

  When I arrive back home, I’m pretty drunk. I don’t usually drink a lot, but I needed it. I have had so much going on in my head lately it’s nice to just get silly and forget about it. Ryan is sleeping on the couch when I open the door, so I try to keep quiet, but in my drunken state I make more noise than usual. I see him start to stir and shush myself.

  He opens his eyes halfway, just enough to see I’m there, and smile at me before he closes them again. I smile as I look at him, and then clumsily trip over the edge of the coffee table when I try to pass. Ryan wakes with a start. I scramble to get up and poorly try to straighten my clothing and look like nothing happened.

  “Watch out for that table. It jumps out of nowhere,” he says, smirking at me through sleepy eyes. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Totally,” I reply trying to sound sober. “Think I’m gonna go to sleep now.”

  “That’s probably a good idea,” he says.

  “Goodnight. Will I see you in the morning?” I ask, stumbling as I try to walk and talk at the same time. I am way drunker than I thought I was. I never get sloppy like this. There is definitely a spinning room in my future.

  “Why don’t I help you?” Ryan offers, standing up and approaching me. “I’m not sure you’re going to make it to your room, and I have too much to do tomorrow to spend the night in the ER with you.”

  “I’m fine, dude,” I answer, but I am definitely nowhere near fine.

  “I’m sure you are, but I’ll come along anyway just to make sure,” Ryan insists. “Let’s get you a glass of water, first.”

  Ryan pours some water and makes me take a drink. Together we walk to my room. I am leaning heavily against him for support. I hate this feeling of helplessness and not being in control, which is why I never drink like this in the first place.

  He walks me to the bed, where I plop down and lay back with my feet on the floor. I slowly sit back up because the room starts spinning.

  “Hold your foot out,” Ryan commands and I lazily straighten my leg. He pulls off my shoe and then does the same for my other leg. He then helps raise both legs onto the bed.

  “Okay, now slowly lie back,” he says, placing his arm behind my back to steady me as I recline. When my head hits the pillow we are dangerously close—closer than we’ve been since we kissed.

  I look at Ryan, and for a minute, he holds my stare. So many things are being said without being spoken. He breaks our stare and removes his arm from behind my head. I take his hand before he walks away.

  “I love you, Ryan,” I confess.

  “I love you too, Eve,” Ryan replies casually. “Now get some sleep.”

  “No, Ryan. I love you, love you,” I say, looking into his eyes. I’m trying to convey my honesty, but my eyes are half shut and I’m probably slurring, so I don’t think it’s coming off as well as I hope it is.

  “You’re drunk, Eve,” Ryan says.

  “I’m not,” I say. “I mean, I am, but that’s not why I love you.”

  “Okay. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Get some sleep.” He kisses the hand I was holding him with and leaves the room.

  I don’t have time to think about what I just said. I quickly fall asleep before the room starts spinning on me again.

  Chapter 11

  When I emerge from my bedroom in the morning, Ryan is in his room, but the door is open and I hear him talking. I’m pretty sure I professed my love to him last night, but if he doesn’t bring it up, I plan on forgetting all about it. He could tell I was shit-faced and will assume I didn’t know what I was saying, anyway—which I didn’t. I never would have done that in a sober state.

  As I approach his door, I see Ryan looking in the mirror and reciting lines. He must be getting ready for his big audition. I listen until he is done and then smile.

  “You’re going to nail this audition,” I say after he finishes.

  “I hope so,” he replies. “How you feeling this morning?”

  “I’ve been better,” I answer. I don’t feel great, but not as bad as I expected.

  Ryan smirks a little, and his eyes glitter. “Seems like you had a lot of fun after I left.”

  “It was fun. But I definitely drank too much,” I add sheepishly.

  Ryan’s smirk widens and he raises his brows. “Really? I didn’t notice.”

  I shake my head. “Yeah. Won’t be doing that again any time soon.”

  “Probably a good idea.”

  “So, what time are you going?” I ask, changing the subject before he has a chance to mention what I said.

  “Leaving in a few. I have to admit, I’m nervous for this one,” he confesses.

  “I don’t blame you. This could be life-changing.” Even thinking of the impact this could have on Ryan’s lif
e is bittersweet.

  “Thanks. I feel much calmer now,” he jokes.

  “Sorry. But you know what I mean. It’s okay to be nervous, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. They sought you out for this part, not the other way around.”

  “You’re right.” Ryan lets out a breath, then smiles. “Wish me luck?”

  I return his smile. “Break a leg.”

  “Thanks,” he says. Then he takes his things and leaves for the audition.

  I make a pot of coffee and some toast to try and settle my stomach. It’s still in knots from all the alcohol last night, and I’m also nervous for Ryan. I hope with all my heart that he nails this audition today—he deserves it. I just can’t silence the small part of me that hopes he doesn’t have to leave.

  I could kick myself for telling him I love him last night. I was obviously not thinking clearly, because I still don’t know if that’s even what these feelings are.

  I go back and forth in my head in the now familiar yo-yo of “do I, or do I not,” but the more I think, the more sure I am that my feelings are real. I’m only kidding myself trying to pretend they’re not.

  I take a shower and muster up the energy to leave and run some errands. I’m so glad I don’t have to work today, because I don’t have it in me. I know I’ll be crashing pretty early tonight.

  I don’t remember the last time I went food shopping, so I get some of the staples we need. I stop at a couple of shops and pick up some fun things, too. I haven’t bought too many things for myself since moving here, and I’ve been trying to stay within my budget. I waste a large part of the morning and early afternoon getting things done, and Ryan is home when I get back.

  “How’d it go?” I ask as soon as I open the door and see him there.

  “I don’t know,” he replies. I’m sure he’s been wondering the same thing all day. “I think it went well. Sarah seemed happy.”

  “When will you find out?”