Give Yourself Away

by Barbara Elsborg

  Caleb wiped away the tears that had trickled down his cheeks. It was a wonder he hadn’t washed away his lenses. He was angry March had made him cry. The last person who’d— Oh fuck, not now.

  He sat in the stall and waited for a long time. Waited until he knew March would be back at home eating his biscuits. Waited until he was sure there was no trace of tears on his face. Waited until he had his emotions under control.

  He switched off his phone—not even a fucking apology?—took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom, then cursed himself for being disappointed March wasn’t waiting.

  Instead of going back the B and B, he went looking for a student café. There was a small row of shops close to the parking lot, and between the bank and a bookstore was a café called the Beanstalk. Some guy was playing a guitar in one corner and the place was busy. Caleb ordered a coffee, baked potato and cheese, and then couldn’t find anywhere to sit. It was too cold to sit outside but he sat there anyway.

  “Mind if we join you?”

  Caleb looked up to see two young guys carrying trays of food. “Go ahead.”

  They jostled the table as they sat down and Caleb’s coffee sloshed onto the saucer.

  “Sorry.” The pair spoke in unison.

  “It’s okay.” Caleb lifted the cup and slipped a napkin over the liquid to mop it up.

  Caleb was certain both guys were gay. He’d always thought gay guys who weren’t obviously gay had an easier time, less likely to be picked on, but maybe he was wrong. Caleb didn’t think of himself as effeminate, but people always seemed to know what he was.

  “Saw you climbing,” said the guy with glasses.

  Oh shit. “Ah, my inch-by-inch safety inspection of the wall? It passed.”

  They laughed.

  “Your first time?” asked the blond one.

  “I’m shocked you could tell. I thought I was brilliant.”

  They snorted into their Cokes.

  “I remember my first time,” said the glasses guy. “I didn’t even get to the top.”

  That made Caleb feel slightly better.

  “What you studying?” asked the blond.

  “I’m not a student.”

  “But you know Dr. Durant.” The guy took off his glasses and rubbed them on his sweater.

  “Sort of.” Caleb ate faster. They’d seen him with March. In a minute, they were going to ask a question he couldn’t answer.

  “Is he a friend of yours?” asked the blond.

  “No.” Shit, that hurt. “Yes, sort of.” That hurt too.

  The blond put down his fork. “You know he’s been suspended, right?”

  “Yeah.” Hopefully the lifeboat station would have him back soon.

  “I can’t believe that bitch,” said the blond.

  “Jemima would do anything to get a first.”

  “In her dreams. That essay was crap.”

  “So was yours.”

  “Yeah, but not as crap as hers.”

  Caleb felt as though he’d stepped onto another planet. “What did she do?”

  “Not her,” said the glasses guy. “Dr. Durant. You said you knew?”

  “Not why.” Caleb’s mouth had gone dry because he thought he might have guessed.

  The blond one leaned across the table. “She claims he said if she gave him a blowjob, he’d give her a better grade.” He sat back in his seat. “I’m sure she’s lying, but it got him suspended.”

  Oh God. “Why are you so sure she’s lying?”

  “Because Dr. Durant isn’t the type. I mean there are some lecturers you could see trying that on, but not him. He’s a good guy. Plus we think he’s gay.” The one in glasses smiled.

  “No we don’t,” said the other. “Well, we didn’t until today. We just wanted him to be gay. That’s why we followed you. We thought if you and he were…good friends, you could get him unsuspended. I mean, you looked pretty close. He never took his eyes off you, and you did spend a long time in the bathroom.” They exchanged a grin.

  Caleb felt chilled. “March is working on getting unsuspended.” He pushed to his feet.

  “You’ve not finished eating,” said the blond.

  “Lost my appetite.”

  Caleb’s head was spinning. Had this all been a set up? After he’d returned to March’s cottage, had March come up with this plan?

  Pretend to be gay. Check.

  Make Caleb think they had something. Check.

  Take him climbing at the college, hoping they’d be seen. Check.

  Ask Caleb to hold his hand so that they’d definitely be seen. Check.

  Then he’d thrown up. Didn’t that tell him everything? March was so disgusted with himself he’d vomited. Caleb wanted to be furious with him. He’d liked him and the guy had used him.

  He reran everything from the moment they’d first set eyes on each other in that cave but stumbled to a halt at the kiss. Had it really meant nothing? Because it hadn’t felt like that to Caleb. Shit.

  What did it matter anyway? Even if he gave March the benefit of the doubt, the guy didn’t want to see him anymore.

  By the time Caleb reached the B and B, it was dark. He’d just started up the stairs when the landlady came out of the kitchen.

  “Hi,” she said. “Glad I’ve caught you. A guy was here earlier asking for you.”

  March? But, then, he didn’t know where Caleb was staying. “What was he like? Did he give his name?”

  “No name. He said you’d know who it was. He was tall. Big, solid guy. Mid-thirties, maybe older. Wore a beanie.”

  Caleb heard his heart stop beating. That description could have fit loads of people, but it just happened to sound like someone he thought was dead. “Did he say he was coming back?”

  “He said he’d catch you another time.”

  Shit. “Did you tell him this was my last night?”

  “Yes. Is there a problem?”

  Caleb made himself smile. “No, it’s fine.”

  “Do you want to leave a forwarding address in case he comes back?”

  Fuck no. “No, he’ll find me.” Oh God, I hope he doesn’t.

  Caleb went up to his room and took a deep breath before he opened the door, but there was no one in there. Then he regretted putting on the light. He strode to the curtains and pulled them closed. There was no way he could stay here now. But maybe that was what his stalker would expect. He packed up everything but his box, then lay on his bed fully clothed. Caleb had thought he was lonely before, but somehow being alone when there were plenty of people around, yet none of them his, was even worse.

  He opened the box and unwrapped his birds. He’d made them from wood and tiny scraps of nothing, lavished as much care on them as if they were living things. As Caleb ran his fingers over their wings, he thought how having hope and clinging to it hadn’t saved him, but instead had killed something inside him. No wonder March didn’t want him. Caleb was broken.

  Chapter Twelve

  When he heard footsteps on the other side of the wall, Baxter held his breath.

  “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” Liam sang.

  Baxter didn’t move a muscle, even when Liam wrenched open the little door Baxter had crawled through.

  “Shit,” Liam muttered. “Where the fuck are you?”

  Baxter heard the sound of liquid sloshing and the hairs in his nose prickled. Was that petrol? Liam’s footsteps grew fainter and Baxter was too scared to stay where he was. He crawled back out into the attic and the smell of gasoline was almost overpowering. Liam had splashed fuel up the walls and over the floor.

  He was going to set fire to the house. Oh God.

  Baxter crept out onto the landing. He could hear Liam on the floor below. When Liam went down to the ground floor, Baxter hurried down the stairs and hid in one of the be
drooms. The stink of the fuel mixed with the disgusting odor in the house made Baxter heave. His heart was racing.

  But he juddered to a halt when he heard the whoosh of fire and then the slam of the front door. He came out the bedroom to see flames shooting up the stairs and knew he was trapped. Even if Tye was still in the house, he couldn’t get to him.

  Please let Tye be outside. Even if Liam has him.

  * * *

  March wondered if he could hate himself any more than he did. Actually, probably not. He’d panicked when he’d seen the students heading toward them and he’d hurt Caleb. He’d driven all the way home before he turned and drove back. He could have at least offered him a lift to wherever he was staying. When the words “I can’t do this” had come out of his mouth, he hadn’t anticipated that he couldn’t do this either, just walk away and carry on with his crap existence. Caleb had opened a door March couldn’t shut, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

  That was one problem.

  The other problem was that Caleb hadn’t understood the reason why March walked away, and March wasn’t sure he could explain. But he knew he had to try.

  When he couldn’t find Caleb, he called him. Left a message. Left another message. Stopped himself leaving a third.

  Back at his cottage, March made himself something to eat, and couldn’t eat it. He didn’t know what he wanted, and he wasn’t thinking of food. It was too dark to go out and do something stupid, something to take his mind off life for a short while. Perhaps that was just as well.

  Can I move on? Can there be something between me and Caleb? He kept asking himself the same questions over and over. What if he made the wrong choice? March pulled his pillow over his face. What if he did? Was the world going to end? How did he know whether or not it was the right thing to do if he didn’t try? But if he wasn’t ready, he risked hurting Caleb. If he wasn’t ready, how could he have a workable relationship with another guy?

  But…

  That kiss. He’d come in his pants from Caleb’s kiss. Didn’t that tell him everything?

  March wanted more. There had been something between him and Caleb. He didn’t want to walk away from it.

  And he couldn’t have decided this earlier? He could imagine what Caleb thought of him. Not much.

  His phone rang and March threw off the pillow and grabbed it, but it was Brian from the RNLI.

  “Hi, Brian.”

  “You’ll be pleased to hear no action’s going to be taken over the rescue. You can come and collect your pager tomorrow. You’re back on call.”

  “Right. Are you okay with that?” Something in Brian’s voice told March he wasn’t. “Because I don’t want there to be an awkward atmosphere on the boat. If you don’t want me, say so.”

  “You know I had to do something. You jumped overboard without even saying anything. Having a reckless team member endangers us all. Anyway, it appears you’re a local hero. Someone’s given us ten thousand pounds because of that rescue. Doesn’t mean you were right and I was wrong.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. Christ, ten thousand pounds? Who the hell would do that?”

  “We’re not supposed to know, but it was the guy you saved. Don’t tell anyone I told you, but he just happened to give the check to my wife.” Brian laughed.

  Caleb had that sort of money?

  “The press office wants to talk to you. When you come to get your pager, I’ll give you the number. They’d like to do an article on the rescue for the Lifeboat magazine and for the papers.”

  March groaned. “Have Kev talk to them. My official position is no comment.”

  “Right. See you tomorrow.” Brian ended the call.

  Ten thousand pounds? Was that all the money Caleb had? Why the hell had he done that?

  When Caleb pulled through the gates of Sandbery Cove Holiday Village the sun was just rising. He’d slept badly. The usual nightmare, along with fear he’d wake and see a familiar face looming over his. At least he’d not been followed this morning. There had been no headlights behind him all the way here.

  But maybe whoever was after him thought they could find him whenever they wanted. Not a comfortable feeling. Caleb had been so desperate to believe it was March who’d come to the B and B, but it didn’t sound like him. Nor did it sound like Jasim who had to be in his forties and hadn’t been that big when Caleb last saw him four years ago.

  The administrative center was dark, with no vehicles parked next to it, so Caleb carried on driving. He spotted a couple of white vans and an SUV outside one of the lodges and pulled up next to them. The houses looked bigger and grander than he’d imagined. Timber A-frames with a lot of glass. When the sun was fully up, the views out over the sea would be spectacular.

  Jed stood by the SUV talking to three guys and Caleb walked up to them. “Morning.”

  “Morning,” Jed said. “This is Caleb, who comes highly recommended as being an expert at handling wood.”

  Why did everyone always make that joke?

  “Caleb, meet Billy, Keith and Dwayne. Dwayne’s the plumber. Billy’s the painter and Keith can do just about everything. Keith’s in charge.”

  “Hi, guys.” Caleb smiled.

  They nodded at him. Billy and Keith looked to be in their forties. Strong, stocky men with not much hair. Dwayne was in his thirties and had too much hair.

  “I’ll show Caleb around while you get started.” Jed beckoned Caleb to join him as he walked toward a unit at the far end of the site. “There are fifteen lodges. Five of them have been refurbished. I’ll show you a before and after.”

  He opened the door of a lodge, flicked on the lights and went inside. It opened into a large open-plan space that held the kitchen, dining and living areas, with another A-shaped window at the rear with great views out to sea. The sky in the east was flushed with pink. The kitchen was similar to March’s but with matte-white cabinets and a gray-marble worktop. The brushed-steel appliances looked new. The sink and taps gleamed. Everything smelled freshly painted.

  “So this is before, right?” Caleb asked.

  Jed chuckled. “I need you to assemble the kitchen cupboards. Flat-pack stuff. I expect you can do it in your sleep.” He kept talking as he walked. “TV unit needs building from scratch though, just like this one and then stain it. Anywhere the floor looks bad, replace the boards. Beds need putting together, along with the bedside cabinets and chests of drawers. Bathroom cupboards too. You need to work in conjunction with Dwayne when plumbing’s involved. Plus some of the doors to the other rooms don’t fit well and they’ll need rehanging. Any woodwork that looks past its sell-by date, I want you to fix. But this is basically what I want the places to look like, okay? Stylish and smart. Upmarket.”

  “Got it.” Not the most interesting work, but not difficult. Jed was right. Caleb could put flat packs together in his sleep.

  He followed Jed to another lodge.

  “In case it escaped your attention, this one’s been stripped out,” Jed said.

  An understatement. Nothing was left, not even a toilet, though the new sanitary ware lay wrapped in plastic near the fireplace, and the boxes heaped up near the windows were presumably the flat packs Caleb was to assemble.

  “Erm, I thought you said I could live in one of these?”

  “Ah, so I did. Sorry about that. They might not have gutted all of them. Ask Keith for the keys.”

  Caleb hid his disappointment. He didn’t bother asking if he could stay in one of the finished units. He knew the answer would be no.

  He had to hide his disappointment again when the other men turned out not to be very friendly. They laughed when he put on his safety goggles, laughed at his gloves and his tool belt, laughed when he tidied up after himself, but Caleb put up with the teasing because he wasn’t going to change the way he worked.

  Despite all the jokes about handling wood, Caleb
did love it. Even the way wood could turn into something as insubstantial as sawdust. He loved the way sawdust felt and smelled. He loved the feel of sawn wood, to run his fingers over it, imagining the tree it came from, how long it had taken to grow. He liked how bark could be so different, depending on the tree. He even liked the knots, though they were a carpenter’s nightmare, but to think the death of a branch could result in something that was often beautiful took Caleb’s breath away.

  When they stopped to have a break, Caleb saw they’d brought their own flasks of tea and coffee. No one offered to share. He went back to his car to get a bottle of water and a packet of chocolate chip cookies from the boot. As he reached to push open the door, Caleb heard them talking.

  “He’s a poofter,” Dwayne said. “S’obvious.”

  “Don’t turn your back on him,” Billy chortled.

  “I’ve seen him drooling over your butt crack,” Keith said.

  “Fuck off,” Dwayne retorted.

  Caleb felt something tighten in his chest. Before they said something he didn’t want to hear, he plastered a smile on his face and went back in. “Like a biscuit?” He held out the packet.

  “Thanks,” Dwayne said and took one.

  The other two shook their heads.

  Caleb sighed. They’d either come around or they wouldn’t. He shoved a biscuit in his mouth.

  “Where did Jed find you then?” Keith asked.

  Caleb chewed and swallowed. “I mentioned to a guy in the pub that I was looking for a carpentry job and he told Jed.”

  “Hey, and you’re just the guy to fill holes.” Dwayne sniggered.

  Caleb stared at him. “Let me know if you’ve any big ones that need filling.”

  Keith almost choked himself laughing.

  “Jed said I could stay in one of the units that hasn’t been worked on yet and I was to ask you for the keys.”

  “They’ve all been stripped out,” Keith said.

  “I can manage for a night while I sort something else out.”