Give Yourself Away

by Barbara Elsborg

  “I don’t need a court order. He’s dead.”

  March gave a startled gasp. “You’re not saying you think whoever is doing this is a ghost?”

  The color leached from Caleb’s face. “Christ. No. I don’t believe in ghosts…except sometimes… Oh fuck.” He yanked his hand free. “This isn’t a good idea. I’m going to bring you trouble. I’ve already brought it. If anything happened to you…” Caleb let out a choked sob. “I need to get as far away from here as I can. Running is the only thing I can do.”

  “No it’s not. I haven’t hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. That means I’m not in danger. You were with Mike for four months with no roses, no interference. I think we could risk a little longer than a few days. I’m not the jealous type and there is no way I’d ever hit you.”

  March’s pager went off in his pocket and he jumped up and yanked it out. “Shit. Bad timing. I have to go. There’s a call-out. Lock the door. If you’re worried, phone the police.” At the door he turned back. “But don’t leave. Please.”

  As March drove to town, he’d hoped Brian would already have chosen his crew and he’d be surplus to requirements, but it was a yacht in trouble farther out. The seas were rough, and they needed the Tyne, the offshore lifeboat which required a crew of six.

  He quickly kitted up and they were heading out to sea within ten minutes of the alert. March had to stop himself thinking about Caleb while he did his job, or he’d mess up. In a way it was better that he’d had this call-out, because it gave Caleb a chance to decide what to do. March didn’t want him to leave, but he couldn’t force him to stay.

  Caleb was going to leave, despite March’s request that he not, but now he worried about March going out to sea on a wild night like this. Fuck it.

  Caleb locked up and drove to the lifeboat station. The weather was awful. Apart from the torrential rain, the wind was howling, and dark clouds scudded across the sky.

  He left his vehicle in the parking lot and headed across to the lifeboat station, bent over against the force of the gusts.

  He couldn’t see anyone around and decided he’d sit and wait inside.

  “What are you doing here?” a man asked.

  Caleb spun round to see the guy who’d opened the door when he brought the biscuits. “Waiting for March.”

  “Well, you’ve got a long wait. It’s only October.” He laughed. “You’ve no idea how long I’ve been waiting to use that line.”

  Caleb smiled but he was too nervous to feel amused. “Who have they gone to rescue?”

  “A yacht’s in trouble. Mayday went out from the two-man crew. They were taking in water.”

  “Is it okay if I wait?”

  “They could be hours.”

  “I’d like to wait.”

  The guy smiled. “I’ll bring you a cup of tea.”

  Caleb looked out of the window into the night. It was hard to see anything, but the waves were huge, rolling breakers crashing onto the shore. Exciting if you weren’t out on them, but terrifying to think March was riding them in a small boat. He was brave.

  I’m not. Caleb sighed. Could he risk staying? Could he risk telling March the truth? He’d have to trust him not to reveal his secrets and Caleb didn’t know March well enough for that. Not yet. But that he was even thinking about it said a lot.

  “Here you go.” The guy held out a mug and the almost-empty box of biscuits Caleb had bought. “There are a couple left. This lot are like gannets.”

  “Thanks.” He took a chocolate chip cookie.

  “The least we can do is a cup of tea and a biscuit when you give us ten thousand pounds.”

  Caleb groaned. “It was supposed to be anonymous.”

  The guy laughed. “Good luck with that in a town this size. Seriously though, it will make a huge difference. It costs just over four hundred thousand pounds a day to run the entire organization. All donated by the public.”

  “A day?”

  “A fair sum, isn’t it?”

  Wind drove the rain against the window and Caleb flinched. “They’ll be okay out there?”

  “They’ll be fine. They’re wearing top-of-the-range all-weather gear. The boat has an enclosed wheelhouse and it’s self-righting.”

  He disappeared back into the office and left Caleb staring at the malevolent sea through the rain-spattered window.

  Don’t do anything stupid, March.

  Caleb knew March hadn’t believed him when he said he had no idea who was behind the roses. Liam hadn’t come back from the dead. Caleb could only think of one person who might be behind it, even though it didn’t make sense. Jasim. The man who’d bid for him. The man Caleb had begged to help him. The reason Liam had destroyed Caleb’s back.

  It was two hours before the boat pulled back into the harbour. Caleb had gone through a deluge of emotions, worrying March was dead being the prevailing one. He stood up, wondering if March would be annoyed he’d come to the lifeboat station. As Caleb headed for the door, a woman came through shaking the rain off her jacket.

  “They’re back,” she called.

  “Aye, I know, Maggie,” the man shouted from the office.

  The woman smiled at Caleb. “Who are you waiting for?”

  “March,” Caleb said.

  Somehow, Caleb thought he’d always been waiting for March, maybe from the moment he was born. The idea that his entire life had been spent waiting for this guy stole his breath. The thought that maybe March had been waiting for him made Caleb’s heart clench. March had known he was gay, he’d just chosen not to come out, but Caleb didn’t think it was because of fear. So why?

  “Come on.” Maggie beckoned him. “We’ll go down to where they tie up.”

  Caleb followed her, turning his collar up as they went outside. He could see March on the boat, knew it was him without even seeing his face. He knew his build, but it wasn’t just that. Caleb sensed it was March.

  And as if March knew Caleb was there, he looked up and stared straight at him.

  Don’t be angry. Caleb wasn’t sure he could cope with March being pissed off.

  But once the boat was secured and two shivering guys wrapped in blankets had been helped ashore, March stepped onto the jetty and made straight for him. Caleb opened his mouth to apologize for being wet, in more ways than one, but March didn’t give him the chance. He pressed his lips to Caleb’s and wrapped his arms around him.

  Oh God, his kiss.

  Caleb heard whistles as the other crew members walked past, but March didn’t stop kissing him, their tongues tangling as March ate at him until finally, finally, March let him go.

  “Did you nearly die?” Caleb asked.

  March laughed. “No, why?”

  “That kiss.”

  “I was just happy to see you.”

  Caleb glowed. How long had it been since anyone had been so happy to see him? Not including those he hadn’t wanted to be happy to see him.

  He hung around near the door, waiting for March to change out of his gear. As the other crew members passed him, they smiled. Caleb wondered if they were smiling because he’d donated ten thousand pounds or because they were okay with March being gay and being with him, but he just stood and smiled back, and felt a sense of belonging he didn’t think he’d ever had before.

  “Home,” March said as he walked toward him.

  He bustled Caleb out of the door and held his hand as they walked across the parking lot.

  “You must be exhausted,” Caleb said. “Want to leave your car here and I’ll drive?”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  March gave him another kiss before they got in their vehicles.

  Caleb set off after him, thinking March had to be on an adrenaline high. He was a risk taker, a fan of activities like kitesurfing, climbing and heading out to sea in terrible conditions. There w
as probably a whole load of others Caleb didn’t know about, which was a good thing. Highly stressful and dangerous situations sent Caleb hurtling toward a panic attack, but for March they had the opposite effect and energized him. He got high on life and Caleb envied him that at least. Though it didn’t tie in with his reluctance to come out as gay. March was as mixed up as he was.

  March was driving too fast. Caleb followed at his own pace. Pushing down on the accelerator would make his stomach churn. He wished it didn’t. He wished he were brave and reckless, but he wasn’t.

  March was pacing as Caleb pulled onto the drive. After Caleb locked his car, March tugged him into the house. “We were interrupted. You were going to show me a hundred ways to use lube.”

  Caleb laughed.

  March unzipped and removed both his and Caleb’s jacket, hung them up, took Caleb’s hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom. “Did I buy enough?”

  Caleb gaped at the pile of boxes.

  “I figured the more we had, the better,” March said.

  “That’s not necessarily true. Too much and you can’t get hold of anything. Like trying to catch a fish with your hands.”

  Caleb glanced at the light.

  “If we have the light off, I’m not going to be able to see what I’m doing,” March protested.

  “It’s not that difficult.”

  “I want you naked. I want to see you.”

  Caleb glanced again at the light. “Bathroom light on. Door pulled almost closed. Okay?”

  March nodded.

  Caleb switched off the bedroom light and adjusted the position of the bathroom door until he felt sure March wouldn’t be able to see his back clearly. But the way he wanted to do this would mean March would be looking at his face anyway. When he turned, March lay naked on the bed, tissues, lube and condoms at his side, together with a packet of chocolate chip cookies.

  “In case you get peckish,” March said. “I don’t want you leaving this bed. All I could think about when I was out at sea was getting those guys off their boat as fast as possible and coming home to you.”

  Caleb stood at the end of the bed, stripped and March didn’t blink.

  “And was it worth it?” Caleb asked, wishing away the note of insecurity in his voice.

  “So far.”

  Caleb crawled onto the bed, planting his knees and hands on either side of March’s body. As he bent to kiss him, March pulled him down so they lay plastered together, their cocks wedged side by side. The kiss was gentler than any that had gone before. Although March clutched his back tightly, as if he was scared Caleb would run, March’s mouth was soft on his and Caleb melted against him as their tongues twisted and played.

  “Tell me what to do,” March whispered. “I have to cover myself with lube, right? Shoulders as well?”

  Caleb laughed.

  “Can I fuck you?” March spun them over so Caleb lay beneath him.

  “I just knew you were going to be a pushy top.”

  “Does that matter?”

  “As long as you listen to a pushy bottom, then no.”

  March ran a hand down Caleb’s thigh. “Tell me if I do something wrong.”

  “Have you read Gay Sex for Dummies?”

  March gaped.

  “I hope you went through all seven volumes.” Caleb frowned. “Maybe we ought to delay this until you have.”

  “Maybe you ought to shut up.”

  “Maybe you should make me.”

  March licked Caleb’s lips and Caleb gulped.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Liam’s eyes no longer lit up when he fucked him, and Tye found himself trying to please him. When he woke for the second time in the room overlooking the sea, he understood Liam no longer cared enough to want Tye to himself. He was selling him. This dark-haired foreign man called Jasim was buying him.

  Tye tried to concentrate on what the man said, but his head swam with the whisky Liam had poured into him and the drug he’d given him, leaving him drowsy and confused.

  Jasim had dark-brown eyes, was from Saudi Arabia and was a prince. He told Tye he was going to name a polo pony after him because he was so good to ride. Jasim tied him up, did things to him, and Tye let him. Told Tye to do things to him and Tye did. Jasim spent all night biting him, kissing him, fucking him, hurting him. He told Tye he loved fucking him, but even though Tye’s head wasn’t on straight enough for him to get away, he understood it wasn’t love. But he also understand it was a chance.

  “When…see…again?” Tye asked, not able to make his words come out properly.

  “So desperate for me?”

  “Yes.”

  If Tye knew exactly when Liam would bring him back, he could pretend to eat, act drugged, throw up the alcohol, make more of an effort not to swallow any pill Liam gave him, and maybe, just maybe, Tye could escape.

  The words don’t let Liam take me back bubbled in his head but he couldn’t get them through his lips. Plus something in the man’s eyes frightened him, some coldness. Tye wondered if he’d be exchanging the devil he knew for one he didn’t.

  * * *

  When March shifted to lie at his side, his hands clenched into fists, Caleb worried he’d changed his mind.

  “Here I am, all laid out for you.” Caleb spread his legs, wrapped his hand around his dick and stared at March. “All you need to do is take it steady.”

  “Damn. I don’t take anything steady. Fast and Furious are my middle names.” March’s jaw was twitching.

  Calm him down. “You have middle names? What are they?”

  “One name. Begins with B. If you guess in three, you can fuck me first. And hands off your cock. That’s mine.”

  “Beetlejuice, Beelzebub and…Badass.”

  “Badass isn’t a name.”

  “Okay. Brenda.”

  March growled, a low rumble that sounded like a grumpy bear waking up. He knelt between Caleb’s thighs, took both their cocks in his hands and stroked them together.

  “Shit.” March shuddered and let go, his fingers wet with precome. “That wasn’t such a bright idea.”

  “Yeah, it was.” Caleb grabbed March’s wrist, brought his hand to his mouth and licked it.

  “Oh fuck. How long would be considered a respectable period of time before I explode?”

  “A couple of hours, but I’ll settle for twenty minutes.”

  “I might manage twenty seconds.”

  They were both nervous, but for different reasons. Caleb wasn’t worried about anything March could do either accidentally or on purpose because he’d already been through everything Liam and Jasim could think of. But he was nervous about this being good for March, about him enjoying himself. Caleb wanted this first time for March to be the best he could make it.

  March might usually look and sound like a confident guy, but his hands shook as he tried to open a box of lube. He ended up ripping the box apart.

  “Er…as a lesson for what’s to come, when things don’t open up on the first attempt, don’t resort to brute force,” Caleb said.

  March gave a strangled laugh and tossed the tube next to a condom before he shuffled down the bed.

  Caleb thought for a moment he was backing out and felt a jolt of disappointment before the brush of silky hair against his thighs told him how far down the bed March had moved. Caleb’s whole body shivered in an entirely delicious way. Oh fuck. Strong hands pushed at his legs but Caleb was already widening them again, wanting this, wanting March.

  When a hot tongue licked up the side of his cock, a half squeak, half groan burst from Caleb’s lips and he changed it to a full-on moan. “Mmmhmm.”

  “Trying to disguise that unmanly whimper you just made?”

  “I was speaking Swahili.” Caleb was surprised he could speak. “It just slips out occasionally when someone does somet
hing I like.”

  “I better do it again then.”

  Caleb shuddered with pleasure, goose bumps racing up his legs, his torso, and down his arms until everywhere tingled. His heart pounded faster and faster and his breathing turned ragged.

  March slid his hands under Caleb’s backside and nudged up his legs with his shoulders. He gripped Caleb’s butt cheeks and held him immobile while his tongue performed magic tricks on Caleb’s cock and balls.

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.” Caleb’s back arched and he clung to the top of the bed to try and keep himself anchored because floating to the ceiling seemed a possibility.

  As March explored with his fingers and mouth, accompanied by brushes of scratchy stubble, soft hair and the occasional gentle bite, Caleb’s ability to hang on to even a sensible thought began to slowly slip-slide away. For a guy who hadn’t done this before, March did everything right, nipping, licking, kissing, sucking on Caleb’s cock, his balls and his taint—nothing was left untouched—and when he slow-breathed on Caleb’s hole before he touched it with his tongue, Caleb actually thought he might expire with delight.

  “Oh God, oh God, oh God.” Stop saying “oh God”. But Caleb couldn’t help it. He felt pressure at the base of his cock, something pushing onto his balls—realized it was his hand and had no memory of putting it there. Precome soaked his fingers as he stroked himself with his other hand, and as March teased his hole, a sweet press with hot lips, Caleb slid deep into a sea of pure bliss.

  “Okay?” March asked.

  Caleb resisted the impulse to yell “Don’t stop doing that”.

  “Caleb?” March lifted his head to look at him, concern on his face.

  “Volume seven, rimming is,” Caleb blurted. “Jedi definitely you are. Master of everything.” He stared down at March who stared up at him with a ridiculously pleased expression.

  “Smug is not attractive,” Caleb said. “Shyly pleased is preferable.”

  “So I’m doing okay?”

  “You want to talk? Now? Just keep going. You obviously wrote this section in the book, you bloody fraud.”

  March laughed, dropped his head again and Caleb felt the pressure against his thighs, the softness of March’s hair, before March’s tongue pushed into Caleb’s body and locked Caleb’s lungs. One of Caleb’s hands remained glued to his own cock, but his other had found a way to March’s head. He involuntarily clenched the fingers of both hands.