Porridge the Tartan Cat and the Unfair Funfair

by Alan Dapré

  “What’s wrong, Porridge?” said Isla. “You’re acting very odd.”

  “Och, I feel a bit odd,” said Ross, rubbing his belly.

  Suddenly the sign swung up.

  KA-LUNK!

  And right in front of us stood the FangFair owner, with nasty Nibbles by his side.

  Me-gulp!

  7

  Tattieburgle Town

  Quick as a tartan flash, I pretended to be a cushion again. The FangFair owner was grinning. His wolf was whining. She could smell cat – even though I’d washed behind my ears this morning.

  “Shush now, Nibbles,” snapped her owner, beaming at the twins. “It’s time I introduced myself properly. I’m Fangus McFungus. The meanest triplet in all of Tattiebogle Town. And Scotland. And the world. And that twinkly stuff up there.”

  My mega-super-well-OK-not-bad eyes glimpsed a wee label on his wonky wig.

  Then I glimpsed a tattoo on his arm.

  Aye, it was Fangus McFungus all right.

  The name was known to every scaredy cat in town. No one dared meow his name aloud. Instead, it was whispered. Or mimed very badly. Fangus McFungus was no fan of cats. Not since the day a cat sat under his wig to keep out of the rain, thinking it was a bush. Fangus sneezed that cat into next week, poor thing. He had a CAT-astrophic cat allergy.

  “We’ve met your brother and sister,” said Ross.

  Fangus raised a hairy eyebrow in surprise. “Really? Then you’ll know ma brother Fergus wants to rule the world. And Windy Wendy wants a cat the colour of that tartan cushion. As for me? Och, I just want to steal things and become disgustingly rich!”

  He rubbed his hands together greedily, then rubbed his crooked nose, which had become red and itchy. “Are you sure you got rid of that cat?”

  “I can’t see a cat,” Isla said, truthfully.

  (Me-cushion)

  “I need you two clever kids to help me,” urged not-to-be-trusted Fangus. “I read in the newspaper that a smelly space rock once crash-landed by Tattiebogle Castle. I plan to sniff it out and create a really big stink across the whole town! One whiff of it, and everyone will be sleeping like babies – even the babies. Then, while they’re snoozing, I’ll take whatever I please. Gems, jewellery, antique furniture, some toilet rolls because I’m running out…”

  “We won’t help you,” said Ross, boldly.

  “You will, once that ScareJuice has turned you both into scarewolves.”

  The moon peeped out curiously from behind a cloud, and bathed the creepy courtyard in a pale blue light.

  “Ross, look at your hands!” gasped Isla.

  “This is scary – they’re turning hairy!” Ross spluttered.

  “You’ll soon be a mega-whiffy, ultra-sniffy scarewolf,” cackled Fangus. “Then you’re going to sniff out the stinky space rock with my other scarewolves and help me bogle all of Tattieburgle. I mean burgle all of Tattiebogle.”

  “Nooooooooo!” howled Ross, and he leapt out of the carriage.

  What happened next was beastly. I’ll yowl it for you:

  Ross sprouted a snout

  And whiskers too,

  His teeth became fangs

  And big paws grew,

  His eyes became orange

  No longer blue,

  He howled at the moon

  Like scary wolves do!

  GRAAGGHH!

  Aarggghh! I roared back, reusing the same letters because it’s good to recycle.

  “It’s Roaring Ross,” chuckled Fangus. “When I blow this whistle he will do whatever I command!”

  SCHWEEEEEEEP

  Fangus blew the whistle. Isla heard nothing, but I heard a horrid high-pitched instruction.

  Naturally, I ignored it. No one tells us cats what to do! But Roaring Ross sprang forward and stood as still as a scary, hairy statue.

  Me-gulp!

  8

  Rabbiting On

  The HowlerCoaster still reeked of rotten fish. I’ll tell you this for free: scarewolves might smell really well with their noses, but they smell really bad to everyone else’s noses.

  Me-whiff

  “Hmmm.” Fangus glared at Isla. “You should be a scarewolf by now too.”

  “I spilt my drink,” said Isla, pointing to a puddle by the carriage. “Now change Roaring Ross back! You’re being really stinky. And he’s really stinky too! And why aren’t there any other visitors at your FangFair? What have you done with them?” she asked. These were very good questions (but not as good as “Porridge, would you like some fishy biscuits?”)

  “I’ve turned them all into scarewolves. And it’s time for you to join them,” boomed Fangus, rubbing his itchy nose. He held up another bottle of ScareJuice. Suddenly, a cushion became a cat and I gave the bottle a sneaky squeeze. Startled, Fangus let out a squeaky sneeze!

  SQUACHOOOOOOO!

  “Nice one, Porridge,” said Isla as the ScareJuice squirted harmlessly onto the floor.

  Fangus blew his whistle.

  SCHWEEEEEEEP-PEEEP-PEEEP

  And Roaring Ross roared!

  GRAAAAGGHHHHH!

  More scarewolves appeared and joined in, and soon they were wailing and moving in time together, like a hairy boy band. They all crouched down and looked up and howled at the moon.

  The moon took the hint and disappeared quickly behind a cloud. Now everything was nearly as dark as the letters on this page.

  “Follow me, Porridge,” whispered Isla, darting past Roaring Ross into the the castle ruins.

  What else could I do? (Well, I could buy a box of fishy biscuits. Pour out a box of fishy biscuits. Eat a box of fishy biscuits. Buy another box of fishy biscuits. Pour out another box of fishy biscuits. Eat another box of fishy biscuits. Buy another box…)

  Me-yum!

  Och, forget fishy biscuits – I needed to run after Isla! This was no time for standing there like a frightened rabbit. This was time for running like a frightened rabbit and escaping like a frightened rabbit and hopping into the next chapter like a frightened rabbit.

  Me-hop

  9

  One Good Turn

  Of course, one wee hop doesn’t get you very far.

  Fiendish Fangus was on my tail!

  Me-ouch

  Really on my tail!!!

  Time for a quick getaway! Turn the page! Hurry!

  10

  You Did It!

  Me-sigh

  Thanks to your nimble fingers, I freed myself from furious Fangus and ran after Isla. I dashed faster and faster, just like you’re speeding through this suPURRb story! (Don’t you worry, there are still plenty of exciting chapters left. Here’s one coming up now.)

  11

  The Workshop

  When I stopped running I was bathed in a ghostly green light in a strange room high in the castle. All around me tubes spun, flasks twirled, pans bubbled, wheels whirled and pipes hissed (but not as well as I do).

  There was no sign of Isla.

  “I’m over here, Porridge,” a small voice whispered from under a cobwebbed worktop.

  Isla! I meowed, happily hurrying to find her.

  “I think this could be Fangus’s laboratory.” She scratched my head thoughtfully. “What do you think?”

  It’s really stinky! I hissed.

  We crept over to a stack of whiffy bottles.

  “I can see ScareJuice bubbling inside them,” said Isla, keeping her distance (and her cat) away from it. “I bet this lab is where Fangus McFungus makes his monstrous mixture. Let’s see if there’s an antidote, so we can change Roaring Ross back.”

  We searched up and down. I did the down bits because I’m nearer the ground. After lots of picking things up and putting them back, my curious paws found something incredible.

  “Porridge, put down that ball of string,” sighed Isla.

  Me-play

  Then Isla found an empty cardboard box, which soon became full of Porridge. (It’s a cat thing.) After I’d torn it into hamster bedding, we came across a photo of an o
ld lady standing next to Fangus. Someone had drawn an arrow pointing to his crooked wig.

  “Who is she?” Isla turned the photo over. Aunty Dot was scribbled on the back.

  There was no antidote. Just Aunty Dot.

  Och well.

  Without any warning, things began clinking. A carriage was coming up from the direction of the creepy courtyard! Soon two glowing wolf eyes lit up the track. Was it Nibbles? We ducked…

  Mmmm. Duck.

  …behind a worktop, just as carriage 13 clattered through the cluttered green room.

  “There’s Roaring Ross,” whispered Isla. Her beastly brother was sitting next to Fangus, while the other scarewolves clung on bravely behind.

  “It’s time I put you pongy scarewolves to work!” cried Fangus. “I want to find that stinky space rock tonight, and rob all the houses in Tattiebogle Town.”

  With that, he stuffed two sprouts up his nose to block out the scarewolves’ disgustingly fishy whiff. Then, with an awful laugh and a rotten wig, they rode off around a corner and were gone.

  “After them!” shouted Isla, as carriage 14 rumbled into the lab.

  When I saw the empty seat, I knew just what to do.

  Me-jump!

  12

  The Hole Truth

  My four feet flew four feet onto the seat. What a feat.

  Isla leapt in beside me. “Great thinking, Porridge. With any luck this carriage will take us back out. Let’s buckle up and enjoy the ride.”

  Enjoy the ride?

  HERE IS A WEE LIST OF THINGS I WOULD ENJOY MORE:

  a) fishy biscuits

  b) biscuity fish

  c) anything to do with fish and biscuits

  We rolled away from the loopy laboratory and gratefully left the green gloom behind. I felt the cool night air waggle my whiskers as we corkscrewed up a twisty track, CLACK-LACK-A-LACK-LACK, that wound around the old castle. It got whizzy.

  Me-dizzy

  “I can see Roaring Ross and Fangus down there,” exclaimed Isla, as we rose ever higher on the rails. Roaring Ross and Fangus were still in Carriage 13, slowly approaching the end of the HowlerCoaster with the other scarewolves hanging on behind. Fangus leaned out, pushed a lever and a section of track in front of him shunted sideways.

  CLONK-SHUNK

  “They’re going off the rails,” gasped Isla.

  She was right.

  Carriage 13 flew through the air, clattered onto the grass and bounced and bobbled on beyond the unfair funfair. We heard Fangus’s far-off whistle…

  SCHWEEEP

  …and saw the scarewolves claw the ground. The carriage slowed down, and rolled to a stop by a watery loch. Fangus wasted no time. A second blow of the whistle started the search for the buried space rock. Roaring Ross and the rest of the scarewolves ran off, sniffing and scrabbling and licking things (which was a bit disgusting).

  Me-yuck

  In carriage 14, we wound around, high off the ground.

  CLACK-LACK-A-LACK-LACK

  “We need to work out where the space rock fell,” said Isla urgently.

  Aye, I meowed, enjoying my bird’s-eye view of the castle.

  Mmmm. Birds.

  Suddenly I spotted something strange with my mega-super-well-OK-not-bad eyes. Two round holes in the ruined castle walls. The bright moon beamed down through them and onto the loch.

  Me-eureka!

  That space rock Dad read about must have punched two holes through the walls on its way to Earth four hundred years ago, and then landed in the loch – just where the moonlight was landing now!

  As we stopped at the top of a very steep drop, I pawed Isla, keen to tell her my news. All she heard was my mews.

  “Sorry, Porridge. I don’t understand you,” she said.

  I do, growled a deep voice right behind me.

  I spun round and saw…

  NIBBLES!

  13

  Off The Rails

  Nibbles was clinging on – and swinging on – the back of our carriage.

  Fangus told me to follow you. I’m glad I did. Now I can show him where the space rock splash-landed, she growled.

  Me and my big (but brawsome) mouth.

  The yellow-fanged wolf grinned, looking ready to launch. And lunch!

  Me-gulp

  But before nasty Nibbles could nibble some tasty Porridge, the carriage screeched downwards and picked up speed. I screeched down too… at a hundred yowls an hour!

  Me-yowwwwwl!

  “Hold on!” cried Isla, as we rolled off the rails and bounced across the bumpy grass. The carriage careered through the FangFair, and sent lots of things flying – especially the birds.

  Mmmm. Birds.

  “Hold on, Porridge, something’s up…” yelled Isla.

  KA-THUMP

  It’s us!

  We hit a big bump and soared into the sky. And when the carriage landed, its four rusty old wheels broke off.

  SPLANG-FLANG-BLANG-CLANG

  Now it slid like a sledge towards the loch!

  Me-gulp

  Loch out for the look, I yowled, metting byself in a mit of a guddle.

  Nibbles unhooked her claws and howled, I’m off!

  Aye, she did whiff a bit. In one bound, she was on the ground. It was the end of the ride for the stinky wolf.

  The carriage came to a sudden stop in the horrid WET loch.

  “It’s OK, Porridge,” said Isla. “It floats like a boat.”

  Me-phew

  As we bobbed on the water, Nibbles loped off to find Fangus. That sneaky wolf knew where the space rock had landed and was off to tell her nasty master! The two stinkers were planning to pong out the town!

  14

  Hide And Seek

  Isla took off her shoes and socks and scooped me up in her arms. Then she bravely stepped into the DEEP water. It went all the way up to her ankles. I told you it was deep! She splashed to the shore and put her socks and shoes on her feet, because that was the best place for them.

  Hiding behind a tree, we saw Nibbles trotting towards Fangus in the distance. Hold out your thumb as far as you can. That’s how big Fangus McFungus would look to you. And me (if I had a thumb).

  Fangus was blowing his whistle and strolling about as if he was the world’s best football referee. His eager scarewolves scratched at the grass and tore up paths, tipped over tubs and ripped up shrubs. Some sniffed. Some whiffed. Some huffed, some puffed. And did lots of other rhyming stuff.

  “Where’s Roaring Ross?” whispered Isla.

  Good question. I hadn’t seen him since Chapter 12. Maybe Roaring Ross had found an antidote? Maybe you’ll find out if you turn the page?

  Maybe not. Ross had found us and he was still Roaring. Hold your nose! I’ll yowl to tell you how bad he smells:

  Think of kippers and stinky seals,

  Mouldy prawns and reeking eels.

  Whiffy whales in salty brine,

  Jellyfish and sea slug slime.

  Stir until you rot the spoon –

  Take a sniff and leave the room!

  He stepped closer, claws glinting, eyes squinting in the bright moonlight. He was supposed to grab us, but his paws paused, as if he didn’t want to! Before the boy-wolf could do anything beastly, the whistle blew.

  SCHWEEEEEEEP

  He scampered off to join Fangus and the other scarewolves. Nibbles was there too, pawing at his pesky owner. Fangus’s crooked face was growing angry and his crooked wig was, um, not growing at all, because it was a wig.

  “What is it, Nibbles?” he shouted. “I need to find that space rock fast! I don’t have all night.”

  Search the loch! howled Nibbles.

  “I don’t understand what you’re saying,” snapped Fangus, pointing his whistle at the wailing wolf. Nibbles snatched the whistle from her master’s hand, took a deep breath and blew.

  SCHWEEEEP

  It was a new command, just for Roaring Ross. The beastly boy-wolf hopped, skipped and jumped into the loch (he was so fast he
would have won a gold medal if he had been doing the triple jump in the Olympics instead of just trying to find a stinky old rock).

  Fangus still wasn’t sure what was going on. “What is that scarewolf up to?”

  His ankles, I muttered.

  We watched him scarewolfy-paddle to the spot where the moon lit the loch, then reach under the shimmering surface. Would Roaring Ross be the one to find the space rock?

  We crept closer to get a better view, trying to stay hidden from Fangus. Isla’s feet made no sound on the grass. My feet made no sound on the grass… but LOTS OF SOUNDS ON SOME TWIGS INSTEAD!

  SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!

  Me-oops

  15

  Hold Your Nose!

  When the twigs snapped, Fangus snapped too. “Och, not you two again! Don’t move! Whatever that scarewolf brings out of the loch is MINE!”

  “I’m guessing that the stinky rock is in the loch,” Isla whispered to me.

  Aye, I meowed. I could have told you that back when we were still on the rails.

  If only humans were clever enough to speak Cat. I pointed my tartan tail at the round holes in the ruined castle. The moon shone through them like a torch, lighting up the water. Finally Isla understood. “Ohhh! The space rock must have bashed through the castle and splash-landed in this loch!” she said, a little too loudly.