PPP Box Set

by Charmanie Saquea

  He just looked at me. “Damn baby, a nigga could have died and you coming in like you mad at me,” he said with a groggy voice. I checked out the I.V. fluids he had going in. He had some morphine going in. I wanted to inflict pain on him. I still didn’t say anything. His mom and Slim both looked at our interaction in silence.

  I stood up and kissed him on his cheek. “I’m glad you are ok,” I said and meant it. I didn’t want to bring up the baby momma situation or Essence. I just stayed by his side. I slept in the bed with him and rubbed his head like he liked. My mind was racing. I couldn’t stay with a nigga that wasn’t keeping it one hundred, but I couldn’t leave him when he needed me. I fought with that for a few hours then I couldn’t take it anymore. Fuck that! I couldn’t do it. I got my purse and called a cab. I left about 4am.

  I sent balloons and cards to Nell and Dash the next day. I knew Slim had filled Nell in on the events in the lobby. Nell had called and texted me several times. I just ignored him and then told him to get better after he started to really annoy me. He started explaining his relationship with his BM. How he didn’t know if it was his or not. How she was a one-night stand. Then he started spilling his guts about him and Essence and how her baby might of not been his either. I ignored all that shit and texted back.

  “Look Nell; focus on your health and your brother and your baby. I hate a lying nigga, Nell. You didn’t lie but you didn’t tell the truth either which is just as bad. Besides that being with you and your bro almost got me killed. I’m good!”

  His texts didn’t stop that first day, the next, or the next. I just ignored his ass.

  I heard Nell got out of the hospital three days later. My mom and I attended Diamond’s funeral. It was nice. We just wanted to show our respects. I saw Nell there but I avoided him by not going to the burial. He texted and called me every day. School was out and my summer started off depressing. I guess a near death experience would do that to you. Dash remained in the hospital for another two weeks after that. With some physical therapy, he would be good I heard. The bullets didn’t hit any major organs. They also knew who was involved. They as in Dash and Nell, and not the police. It was something about Dash robbing somebody’s safe house for over $150,000 a few months back. Well the person wasn’t taking the loss well. Who would? $150,000 is a lot of money.

  If I knew Dash and his family though then I knew that wasn’t the end of the drama. It was going to be a long summer and some more blood would definitely be shed. I didn’t need to be in that war. That was the end of Nell and Cherokee.

  Journal Entry June 2002

  The summer always brings the fun out of people. The sun was great, the outdoor activities, the beach, barbecues, and the clothes. Me, I was depressed. The shooting was over three weeks ago. Everybody was home and healing except for Diamond. I thought of her often. Felt sad for the baby that would never remember her mother. I stayed in the crib since school was out. I hardly answered my phone or did anything but talk to my Mom, eat, sleep, and go to my rooftop. My weed intake has increased. My Mom had to make me get out of the bed some days. I was just not feeling life at this moment. Luckily, school was out. My grades were good and I can chill before my senior year. I was so ready to graduate. Maybe I will get me a job. My Mom and I was looking for me a car I needed my own transportation. I sat in my room on my computer and put in a few applications each day. I ended up getting a reception job at a hair salon by walking by. I had to answer the phones, file, schedule appointments, get lunch, and occasionally wash hair. It was cool because I felt professional in my all black attire. Plus I only worked four hours a day. I worked around the majority of white women, so I could even go heavy on the makeup. They sure did. I wasn’t a cosmetology kind of girl but the manager hired me because she thought I was. I just liked to look nice. It was cool for the summer though and I got a Mall discount.

  I finally got a cute red Alero with my Moms help. It was nice, clean, and all mines. I washed it up and parked it. Still not feeling like going out. I went to work and the store. I even rinsed my hair black. Guess to match my state of mind. My phone rang all the time. Nell just depressed me more by calling. I never really broke up with him but under the circumstances, I would have thought he would get the picture. He even came by the crib a few times. I told my Mom to tell him I went out of town for the summer. After a while, I just changed my number. I’m good on the drama. I was very anti-social for the month of June. My Mom suggested I go home more often but I wasn’t even in the mood for that. She also suggested I make a friend. I was so tired of people saying that I could scream. I’m good Mom I would always say. I knew she wanted me to get out of my funk, but she also understood and gave me my space.

  I have been in this town for three whole months. I had a boyfriend who became an ex who almost got himself, his brother, and me killed. Well technically his brother almost got us all killed. Nell’s ass was probably a part of that shit too. No wonder he was spending so much money, him and his damn brother. Well, mysteriously the person who shot them, in broad day light at that, was a nigga named “Lo.” He was found two days after the shooting slumped over in his whip in front of his crib. “Noodled” as we would say back home. White brain matter everywhere as the papers described it. Nell and Dash were free of being suspects due to their hospital stay. I knew Slim had something to do with that shit. Hell, I knew Slim did it. Nobody was talking though. The cops came and questioned me again, but like I said, I ain’t see or know shit. An innocent girl was killed behind that whole ordeal. That was stuck in my mind all day and even in my dreams. I couldn’t shake the images. Plus, my face had nicks all over it from the glass breaking in the truck. I was shitty. The memory was on my face every time I looked in the mirror. I put cocoa butter on faithfully every day.

  At least school was out. The majority of the graduated senior girls hated me, because all the guys loved me. They called themselves making my days at school hard but that didn’t phase me at all. I’m not concerned until I need to be concerned. Bullying, I guess you can call it that, was dead. They wasted their time and energy. Essence was still on my shit list though. More like my hit list. I know she was calling me private. She was the leader behind this even if she didn’t do any of the shit. It was because of her. The problem started with her and I will end it with her.

  I called to confide in Tiara almost every day after the shooting. I’m sure she was tired of my ass. She was on bullshit immediately.

  “Fuck Nell, he tried to play you,” she would say. “His ass is alive so let him deal with his baby momma and his other bitch,” she said with an attitude. I don’t think she was sympathetic once. Maybe she was for the girl that got killed but not for Nell. I felt everything she was saying. I just needed somebody to talk to. She was the wrong one though. She had me on bullshit too.

  “Yeah, bitch, that nigga did try to play me. His ass ain’t tell me shit about a baby coming,” I said trying to find more reasons to hate him. “That’s some bullshit! He’s got me walking around here looking dumb.”

  Although I did reap many benefits, it still didn’t outweigh the fact that he played me. “The bitch couldn’t have seen him these past three months because he was with me.”

  “Niggas will be niggas though and the shit is possible,” she reminded me.

  “Another thing,” I had to laugh. “Bitch, why when niggas cheat on us we shitty and ready to kill something and the majority of the time we were cheating anyway.”

  She laughed too, “Right!”

  “I just put the works on Yung the other week,” I informed her of my acts. “Yet I’m mad about Nell’s so-called relationship and babies with Prego and Essence. Still though, bitches!” You know you have to talk about the other chicks.

  “Essence ol’ big lip ass,” I said. “She better move around before I embarrass her ass.” “Lop sided ho,” I kept going. “Get an ass bitch!” We both started laughing.

  “Then the secret BM,” I started back. “Bitch he obviously not claiming you
r baby. Why you all up there crying and shit? Snot and shit running down her nose. Had on a raggedy ass dingy Baby Phat t-shirt and some dirty ass flip flops. The kind with the flower too. Bitch get ya shit up. Yo BD got money. I see it, shop with it, and wear it, so why you still looking like a dust bunny? Get yo’ I wanna be Nell’s baby momma ass outta here. He don’t claim you because you are embarrassing.” I was saying whateva was clever yet it was real shit.

  I felt better though and Tiara was cracking up.

  “Back to Essence working at Popeye’s and shit,” I continued. “Bitch make me a two piece and a biscuit. Wait, gimme two biscuits cuz they fire!”

  Tiara had had enough. She said her damn stomach was hurting from laughing so hard. “Kee shut up girl,” she managed to get out between laughs. “Let me go to bed,” she said. “I’ma come out there in a few days.”

  “Aight girl,” I said and we hung up.

  Journal Entry June 2002

  Yeah, journal! It’s me again today. I feel a little better but I still want to beat up Essence, Nell, and the BM but her at a later date. I ain't catch a case or kill nobody baby. I love the kids. Couldn’t help but think bad thoughts though. I hate to be played, to look like a fool, to be the last to know some shit that’s going on in my own life and I don’t even know about it. These bitches got me fucked up. I want to be the bigger person in a way, but I’m not that mature yet. I can be mature enough to admit that. I have to do something. I already know this summer is going to be nuts. I need to put some gym shoes in my trunk. Might catch a bitch slipping at the right time for me but wrong time for her. My mind just shifted to Yung. His stupid ass! I want to do bodily harm to him too. I got a lot of hate in me. I laughed out loud. People got me so messed up. I hate EVERYBODY! I texted Yung that. I hate you! He responded with the same SORRY! That shit irritated me more so I went in on him. Bitch, how the fuck you have ANOTHER baby on me???? I knew the bitch word would offend the shit out of him but I wasn’t scared. He called immediately. I knew he was SHITTY then! I didn’t answer or answer his texts. He was even shittier. Is that a word? Fuck him and Nell. I’m taking my anger out on the world.

  I fucking loved my cousin. As soon as she got off the train, I was excited. She looked cute walking on the ramp with her short blue jean skirt and Chucks. The sun was already setting. I HATE to be hot and mid-day is too hot for me to be out. Tiara shared that same hate for the sun. She came in on the 6pm train. She was excited about my car.

  “Cute cuz,” she said.

  I was glad she was excited because I made her drive. She was all about some action so she was like, “Lets go get dressed.” I immediately started scanning my closet in my head. I was single. Nell was semi-healed so I hoped he was out and I saw him. I needed to wear something short, tight, and low cut. All I could think to do was see who was out on “the strip.” If Nell was out then he was on “the strip.”

  “Let’s get dressed then,” I said.

  Then I cut Beyoncé’ up on the radio. I needed some girl power. We both sang at the top of our lungs, dancing, swinging our hair, and really feeling ourselves. It was a good start to a good night.

  My momma had the nerve to be out of town on a business trip. Tiara and I got dressed all over the house. I was in one bathroom and she was in the other. We were matching clothes. Checking out each other’s shit. Tryna put something spectacular together and we did. We wore our hair in some loose up do’s. Tiara was the shit with the hair. Five bobby pins and she gave us a whole different look. We had the same texture hair. Hers was about an inch longer and brown. Mine was the blackest black with a bang those days. I looked like a black china doll. Tiara hated it. She was used to me rocking different colors and taking risks. Black was boring to her. I loved it. I was even thinking about keeping it for quite some time. I was the shit with the makeup. I was ready to get to that part. Tiara liked when I did hers too. I hooked her up just as good as I would do my own. Once again, all that took three hours. We were ready about 9ish.

  I saw the girl next door sitting out on her porch on her phone. She looked like she was crying. We don’t pry so we kept it moving. We hopped in the car and popped in a mixed CD that was kind of old. The first song was “Slow Motion” by Juvenile. That song did something to me. It was the epitome of the summer in my eyes. The song didn’t have shit to do with the summer but I loved it. We headed straight for downtown. I was tired of telling Tiara when to turn and shit. It was starting to irritate me. She was getting irritated too. We were always getting into it but we would be cool seconds later. After “Slow Motion” went off, I was ready for something upbeat. My mood was getting better. Lil Jon always handled that hood crunkness that anybody needed when it was that time.

  “So, if you see Essence let me know,” Tiara said. I laughed. I was shaking my head imagining the shit Tiara would do to that girl. I didn’t know if I felt like fighting due to the huge blunt we just smoked, and Tiara opened a 5th of something. I took a few swigs. Well, I drank half.

  “Why not,” I thought.

  I might get my ass beat tonight if I tried to fight. Especially right about now. The strip was nice and crowded. We rode down it a few times. I was trying to spot Nell’s car or Dash’s truck. Tiara wanted me to point out Essence’s Impala. I ignored her for a few. Then we parked and Tiara started getting into the scene.

  “My my my,” Tiara said. “We have some decent candidates out here,” she said and we both started laughing. I told her that they were serious about their paint jobs and rims around these parts. “I like, I like,” she had to admit.

  Classic car colors on old schools, flip-flop paint jobs, cereal boxes, college logos, you name it and it was on somebody’s car. Made me want an old school. Something purple and pretty for a pretty young thang such as myself. It was a nice night. I was selling ass and titties. I wanted to get out and walk.

  “Fuck it,” I thought. I didn’t have to remind myself that I was single. I lived the single life daily. We parked the car in the most packed parking lot and observed the scene. Already there was some chicks fighting. The crowd just shifted towards the action. We stood on the hood of my car, which gave us the perfect view.

  Everybody else started hopping on their shit too. They were really banging too providing enough action to keep my interest. It was not just the usual pulling hair wind milling fight. Chick in the pink started winning then it looked like all the other chick’s friends jumped in. Damn, that’s what happens though. I saw Nell’s stupid ass hug some chick from across the parking lot.

  “Bitch ass nigga,” I was pissed. I told Tiara what I saw. She wanted to roll up on them. I just wanted to enjoy my night. “I will kick his ass in his side,” I said and rolled my eyes.

  The fight was over and the crowd died down because the police pulled up. Niggas were hopping back in their cars. We followed suit. People were getting pulled over but they couldn’t catch everybody. Tiara liked the whole rush of it all. She was hooked. She was laughing and whipping my little car through the crowd like a pro. We went to the next crowded spot some ways down the street. We parked next to some chicks that were “rolling up” talking about the fight.

  “Shardae’s ass is always getting beat up,” a fat chick said.

  “That bitch need to stop fucking everybody’s man,” another chick said.

  “She a nasty bitch,” the fat chick said shaking her head.

  “Well, that explains that ass whooping,” I thought. I think Nell, Dash, and Slim fucked Shardae, so I believed she was a hoe. Nell said her coochie stunk. I believed that too.

  I guess we caught some attention while we were standing on the Alero.

  “Weren’t y’all just down the street,” we heard somebody say. We both looked to our left. Some niggas parked up on the side of us looking all in the car. We had the windows rolled down but immediately rolled them up when we saw who they were and what they were driving. No action for the five niggas that were stuffed in a Focus. Glad I had tinted windows. We didn’t even discuss or s
ay anything about that. We just parked at another spot. Tiara was feeling herself off that liquor and weed, so she got out and sat on the hood. I jumped out too. Like I said, “Ass and titties.” I had gained a little weight from sitting in the crib depressed and eating everything. My size seven shorts were a little tight. I’m sure I had some cheek action hanging out. I just decided not to bend over the whole night.

  Dudes started flocking over after a few minutes. It was pretty intense. They had no concern for each other. They were grabbing our arms, “Ay where you from Ma?”

  “Come here sexy.”

  “What’s y’all name?”

  “Ride with us,” was I all heard. You know I loved the attention and I was hoping Nell saw me. I was being pulled in different directions by different conversations. Tiara was eating the shit up. She collected a few numbers. They were pulling us away from other niggas when we were talking to them. Niggas were straight disrespectful I saw. I didn’t know what to say. I just tried to focus on the finest applicant. I could tell some of them were even friends. Vultures!

  Like I said, “Niggas will be niggas.” Some of those niggas were too damn old to even be out here and out tryna holla at us especially. They probably had kids my age or close to it. That was just nasty.

  Somebody came through the crowd and snatched me up real aggressive like. The person was pulling me from behind so I immediately got on the defense.

  “What the fuck,” I screamed. The person let me go and it was Nell.

  “This what you on huh?” he asked.

  “Wasup Nell,” I crossed my arms over my breasts. I suddenly felt under dressed. He looked cute. He was a little skinnier, yet healthy. I guess he didn’t want to argue.

  “How you been?” he asked. “You look good.” He sized me up. Kinda mad at my outfit I could tell and I was pleased so I unfolded my arms. My cousin finally noticed my disappearance and walked up.