I slowly begin walking over to my bed, staring down at the disheveled sheets that Matt and I had managed to toss in every single direction. It’s a reminder of the hope that I had for us, the hope that is no longer there.
The reminder only pisses me off, making me start yanking at the covers. Grabbing them with the force of anger that I have inside of me, I pull with all my might; I want them off the bed. I toss them across the room, not caring where they land, as long as they are not anywhere near me right now. They smell too much like Matt and I don’t want a reminder of what I don’t have.
I throw myself on the bare mattress, curling myself into a ball, forcing myself to shut out the world. After a minute I hear the door shut, the darkness engulfing the room again as I hear Trey’s footsteps retreat down the hallway.
My body starts trembling, the shock of the morning catching up to me as I hold myself tight. With my eyes closed, the exhaustion takes over as it pulls me into the darkness of my dreams.
I’m excited. The blissful feeling that is inside me is uncontainable as I’m beaming from ear to ear. It’s hard not to smile, even with the doubt that is coursing through me, but deep down inside my heart, I know it’s worth the doubt to know I’ll make him happy.
I take one last glance at the piece of metal sitting in front of me before I turn to go back into the house. Matt is expected home soon. Since he didn’t have practice today, I informed him to come straight home after school, but hadn’t told him I would be here when he arrived. I wanted that to be part of the surprise.
I shut the door leading to the garage and I can already hear him walk into the house through the front door, a rowdy crowd following him in. I shake my head as I chuckle at myself. Of course he would bring the crowd here, as usual. It shouldn’t surprise me. I am a little disappointed, though. I had wanted it to simply be the two of us when I gave him his present, but what can I do now?
I make my way into the living room, the crowd already taking up refuge on the couches, Laura sitting in Matt’s lap since there isn’t enough room, making me shake my head. They’ve been getting a little too close lately, worrying me and making me wonder just how close they have become. I know I’ve had the talk with him, so I’m hoping my words stayed with him, something I had dreaded doing, but was necessary, regardless.
From where I’m standing, still hidden from their view, I watch when he starts kissing her. Simple at first, but it quickly grows heated, even with the crowd. When I see his hand start to creep into her shirt my eyes grow wide. “Matthew!” I shriek at him, freighting both of them as Laura jumps off him, allowing Matt to stand up.
I give him the fiercest glare I can give as he turns to look at me, making sure he can see the shock in my eyes. “Em, I didn’t know you were home,” he tells me, looking ashamed as his head whips back and forth between Laura and me. He should feel ashamed. I know I raised him to respect women.
He walks over in my direction, placing a kiss on my cheek. “Do you really think you kissing up to me is going to make things better?” I ask him, trying to sound as if I’m still disappointed, even though I no longer am.
He leans back, looking at me with his lips turned up to the side as he smiles, a twinkle of laughter in his eyes as he answers, “Of course.”
I can only roll my eyes as I turn to walk away from him, leaving him to follow me. “I have a surprise for you,” I tell him, still walking into the kitchen.
“Oh really?” he says, his curious tone making me smile.
“But, now I’m beginning to wonder if you really deserve it,” I tease him.
When I reach the kitchen, I go to pour myself a glass of water, waiting for his curiosity to kick in and start questioning me. It doesn’t take long before it does. “So, what’s this surprise you’ve got for me? You’re finally going to let me get a tattoo?”
“No,” I respond while glaring back at him, making him laugh. “You know how I feel about tattoos. You can get one when I’m six feet under and I don’t have to see it on your body,” I tell him.
He shrugs his shoulders. “I thought I’d try again,” he says with a teasing smile.
Tilting my head, I ask, “How badly do you want a car, Matt?”
“Badly.”
I act as if I’m considering his answer, the desperation clear in his eyes as he waits for a response. “Okay.”
“So when can we go car shopping?”
“I already bought you a car.”
His eyes light up, but his smile turns into a frown. “You didn’t buy a damn hybrid like yours, did you?” The scowl in his expression is tempting me to laugh.
“And if I did?” I question him.
I watch as his face grows disappointed and I force myself to contain the laughter threatening to escape. “It’s sitting in the garage,” I tell him.
He sighs to himself, dragging his body over to the door leading to the garage. As he gives me his back, my lips gradually form into the smile I’ve been containing. When he turns on the light, I watch as his body freezes up as he takes in the car. His body spins around, eyes wide in shock as he looks at me then back at the car.
“Are you serious?”
I nod my head as I’m smiling at him.
He turns to look at the car again, rushing to touch it. “It’s obvious it needs a lot of work done to it, but it’s your responsibility to come up with the funds to do so. I want you to get a job to pay for the repairs. Don’t expect me to give you a penny out of my pocket for the car. I’m only paying for the insurance. Even the gas money is your responsibility. Do we have an understanding?” I ask him.
He turns around, the exhilaration still in his eyes as he rushes back to me, picking me up to spin me around. “Of course, I’ll do anything you want me to do,” he replies as he places me back down on the ground.
I reach up to place my hand on his cheek as I look him in the eyes. “As much as I hate this car, you deserve it, Matt. You deserve a little bit of happiness.”
Disoriented, he draws his eyebrows down. “You really think I need this car to make me happy, Emily?” he asks, shaking his head. “I was happy without the car and I’m pretty sure I would have continued being happy without it.”
“I know, Matthew, but you wanted this car and after much consideration, I decided you deserved it.”
“Thank you, Emily. I won’t disappoint you. Ever.”
I smile, pulling him towards me to hug him, making sure I convey just how much I love him in return.
My dream slowly begins to fade as I wake up, the despair taking over my thoughts as I open my eyes. With every new memory I discover something important about Matt, and with this memory I’ve fallen deeper in love with him. My love for him came so easily, even when I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. I’d known it wasn’t safe and now I’m paying the price. As badly as I want to hold onto my love for Matt, I was going to have to learn to live without it and let him go.
My body is completely weak, feeling lifeless, and my head is pounding. My eyes are burning, even with the darkness that is surrounding me. My head feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders and I don’t have the strength in me to move.
The outside world means nothing to me at this moment. I don’t care. The only thing I want to do is sleep. So I do. Letting the darkness drag me back with it.
I AWAKEN, THIS time my body is demanding I get up. Willing myself out of bed, I slowly tread my way off to the bathroom, not bothering to turn on the light when I enter. The darkness is a reminder of what I’ve lost and I welcome it.
Still weakened, I stretch my arms down on the counter, allowing my mind to escape to the memory I hold from being in here. The agony of those last words cause the tears to return, my heart surrendering to the pain all over again. I relinquish to the pain slamming against my shattered heart, allowing it to remind me that I have nothing left of his promises.
Gripping the counter, I scream; the anger replaces the pain with every bellow I let out. I want the agony to end, but
it won’t. It’s only gets worse.
I’m still screaming when Trey comes bursting into the room, the door slamming against the wall as he rushes into the bathroom. “What’s wrong?” he asks, his panicked voice booming in the small space. I keep screaming, collapsing to the floor, my body now convulsing from crying as I give up the fight to hold it in. I feel his large arms wrap around me, engulfing me against his warm body as I sob, refusing to fight against the pain anymore.
“Let it out, supermodel, let it out,” he whispers against my ear, his arms tightening around me as he rocks me back and forth, allowing me to cry into his chest. I don’t know how long Trey holds me, but he never once complained or said anything more. He simply sat there on the floor with me, holding me, letting me know he wasn’t leaving.
My body is soon weak again, unable to move, my tears now dry, and my throat feels raw. With my eyes still shut tight, I cannot get the image of Matt’s desperate face begging for forgiveness out of my mind. No matter how hard I try to push it away, it doesn’t leave, so I do the only thing I can do to make it go away. I sleep.
I awaken once again on the bed, but I’m not alone in the room, which makes me panic thinking it’s Matt. As my eyes adjust to the darkness, I take in Kelly’s form across the room. Squinting my eyes against the illumination of the bathroom light, I watch her take clothes from the hangers in my closet, stuffing the items into my large travel bag.
“What are you doing?” I ask, the words gnawing at my throat.
She spins around at the sound of my voice, her face at first startled, but soon relaxes. “What does it look I’m doing? I’m packing your shit,” she grimly replies, going back to her task.
“Why?”
With her back still facing me, she says, “Because I’m pretty sure you no longer want to be here. Unless you do?” She turns to me with a curiously raised eyebrow.
Still miserable as I lie in bed, I take in her question before shaking my head to respond. “How did you find out?”
Dropping the bag, she slowly makes her way over to me, taking a seat on the bed. “I kept trying to call your phone to see how you were doing today. When you didn’t answer I called Trey. He told me about Lisa,” she explains with a bitter tone.
Pushing the same bitterness aside, I ask, “Can you get me some water?”
“Of course,” she answers before she heads out of the room, soon returning with a glass of water. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was until I completely drank it all. She takes the empty glass from me, placing it on the bedside table. “Why don’t we finish packing up your clothes so we can get you out of here?” she asks, the animosity clear in her voice.
I don’t have to answer, even if I tried to deny her request I know she wouldn’t let me stay here. I can tell by her determination of how she continues packing. I sit there unable to do anything else at this moment but watch her at the task.
“I didn’t know what you wanted to do with this,” she says as she hands me something.
Kelly’s body is blocking the light preventing me from seeing what it is she’s handing me, but the moment my hand wraps around it I already know it’s my bracelet: the only token I have as a reminder of him. I sit there, pondering what to do with it. It doesn’t take me long to make the decision as I clutch it in my hand, refusing to surrender it. Besides the memories, it might be the only reminder of Matt that I will ever have.
Looking up at Kelly, my vision is blurry again; I fight the tears and force myself to stand up. After going to the bathroom, I walk back into the room and take one last look at it. I remember the night I had found a sanctuary from the pain I was running from, but now I was leaving it with the same type of pain, if not worse.
Grabbing for my purse, I head out the door with Kelly’s arm wrapped around my shoulder to guide me into the living room. My eyes are already searching for Matt, feeling disappointed that he isn’t here.
“He hasn’t come back,” Trey’s deep voice startles me. “So you’re just leaving?” he asks, taking a look at the bag in Kelly’s hand, then back to me with his eyebrow curiously raised.
“Trey, I can’t stay here,” I reply. The words pierce at my heart as I say them, wishing I didn’t have to.
“Why not?”
“Trey, don’t,” Kelly asserts back at him.
He ignores her. “I don’t see why you have to leave, supermodel. I thought you were done running?” he mocks, making me glare at him. “You’ve both had your problems before and still managed to live under the same roof, what difference is it now?”
The reminder of his words takes me back to the night that I found Matt with Lisa on the table. “Not this time, Trey,” I clip out.
Trey frowns, but comprehending my words he gives me the briefest of nods. He walks over and hugs me. “Don’t become a stranger. Give me a call if you need me to kick his ass,” he says into my ear.
His words make me smile, but not enough to evaporate the ache deep within my shattered heart.
“Thank you, but this is my battle to fight,” I muffle into his chest. I pull myself away from him and start walking towards the front door without looking back. It would hurt too much to do so. I make my way to Kelly’s car, climbing into the passenger seat, but I cannot help myself as I steal one last glance at the house while Kelly pulls away.
My thoughts return to the night I showed up to it needing somewhere to escape. I had run to Matt in hopes that he would be the answer that I was looking for, praying that he wouldn’t turn me away. Ironically, I was doing just the opposite this time. The only difference now was I wasn’t escaping because of fear. I was leaving because I was brave.
HAVING DRIVEN ALL night, my mind is now feeling exhausted. I didn’t even stop to rest. I hadn’t wanted to at the time. With the endless open road ahead of me, it left too much time to think. My mind was in a constant battle against itself as I kept remembering all the mistakes I made.
It had gotten to a point of pure torture trying to fight my thoughts. I keep remembering all the times I had with Abigail, kicking myself in the ass for not taking my chance sooner than I had. That alone was the biggest mistake of them all. There was no one to blame but myself. Maybe if I had given in to my heart long ago I wouldn’t have fucked up the first time.
The idling roar of the engine is the only thing keeping me relaxed as I sit in my car. The whole drive here I could not wait to get here. I needed to see her, but now that I’m parked on the street, I don’t have the courage anymore to get out. Regardless of the mistakes I have made, she will never judge me. It is the reason I need to talk to her. Tell her how I’ve fucked things up … yet again.
I kill the engine, but stay in the car looking over in the direction of where she is at, pondering what I plan to tell her. No matter how much I go over my words, there is no simple way to say I’ve fucked up and I need her forgiveness.
Taking one last deep breath to prepare myself for what I’m about to do, I open my door and get out of my car. The day is cloudy, an overcast gloom from the clouds in the sky, as if it’s replicating the depression deep within me. The chilly air adds to the bitterness of my mood.
Staring out at the hills ahead of me, I take the first step needed to get me to her. I know exactly where she’s at; it feels like years since I’ve seen her, although it hasn’t been that long. The realization of knowing that I’m going to see her again is starting to sink in and I have to force myself to keep walking. Each footstep forward feels heavier than the next.
When I reach her, I look down at her below me. The guilt of not coming sooner cuts deep inside of me as I hang my head in shame. It’s been nine months, to be exact, since the day I buried her. When I walked away I’d made the decision to never return. The reality of knowing I was never physically going to see her again had torn my heart apart. Regardless whether I can see her or not right now, I need to be here with her; to know this is as close as I’m physically going to be with her.
Emily always had a way of making me see t
he answer to my problems. While growing up, she was always there to lend an ear. Listening without judgment to every single word. I don’t know how many times I depended on her for an answer, and no matter how many times I asked, she always responded.
The day she died, it felt as if she took a part of my soul with her, and I had let her. She deserved it more than I did. It wasn’t until the day Abigail walked into my life that I knew that part of my soul had returned. It’s as if Emily was giving it back to me, knowing I desperately needed it.
Abigail was the light at the end of a darkened tunnel that I was trapped inside of. I had refused to keep walking forward when Emily died, but Abigail finally forced me to take the steps to awaken her. She helped me find the light within myself.
Dropping down to the ground, my knees hit the earth, sending a jolting pain up my legs. I stare down at the grave marker, realizing it’s the first time I’ve laid eyes on it. The elegance of the black marble represents the extravagant taste of her husband’s family. I had blown off their countless phone calls when they had contacted me to help choose the marker. I didn’t care. It would have made me face the reality that she was never coming back. The agonizing disbelief of seeing it brings tears to my eyes.
I sit there with the silence surrounding me as I allow the tears to fall and the agony takes over me. I miss her so fucking much. I keep wishing that she were still here with me. Just a phone call away like she was before. I’m selfish, I know, but I hate the fact that she’s no longer by my side when I want her to be.
After what seems like hours of sitting there crying alongside her, I somehow find the courage to speak. “I fucked up, Em,” I say crying at her grave. “And I don’t think she’s ever going to forgive me. You always told me that me fucking around was going to come back and bite me in the ass and you were right.” The words come out as a whisper as I continue to speak. “I can’t stand the thought of losing her, as I did you,” I cry down to her, expecting an answer, but all I receive is silence.
Unspoken Promises Page 2
