Unspoken Promises

by Gabbie S. Duran

  We continue to sit there together in silence as she sympathetically comforts me. Matt’s words are still fresh in my head. My disoriented mind keeps me from doing anything more than stare ahead in a dazed filled trance. It isn’t until David returns that I’m forced to leave it. Dishearteningly looking over to him, he looks torn whether to speak or not.

  “What did he say?” Kelly asks, digging for the information I’m desperate to know.

  He looks hesitant to answer. “Do you honestly think he was telling the truth?” I ask through clenched teeth.

  “I honestly think this is all a misunderstanding,” he says before I give him a piecing glare. “I know you both have a lot to work out, but it’s never going to happen if you don’t talk to each other,” he bravely answers.

  I don’t know what has possessed me, but I stand and grab my purse, heading straight out of the door. I jump into my car and drive off, my destination clear in my mind. When I arrive I go to my trunk and pull out the duffel bag with my spare running clothes, changing in my car. I do the only thing I can do to help me logically think; I run.

  The sun is starting to set and with each mile I add my thoughts keep bringing me back to Matt. It isn’t until I’m done that I allow myself to cry. The pain is still taking over my body, but the despair of knowing I have to make a decision to either believe him or walk away is tearing at my mind. My heart feels empty when I began running, but with every memory of Matt, it begins to fill again; this time with love.

  Taking a deep breath, I text him.

  Do you remember the first run we ever took? – Abigail

  Yes. I took you to my favorite park. – Matt

  If my heart wasn’t already sunken to the pit of my stomach, it would have with his response. I have to close my eyes to take a deep breath. Opening them back up, I type my next message.

  I’ll be here for the next fifteen minutes before I leave. – Abigail

  I grow worried when I see the notification telling me he’s read the message, but hasn’t responded. I sit alone in the park telling myself I’ve made a fool of myself and I should just leave. Looking down at my phone, I see it’s already been fourteen minutes. What’s another minute if he hasn’t already shown up? Standing up, I walk my way over to my car. As I’m about to open my door, I see Trey’s Jeep speeding its way into the parking lot. The screech of the breaks as he brings it to a halt makes me flinch. Matt climbs out of the driver’s side and rushes to me. Without giving me a chance to speak, he grabs my face in his palms and kisses me. I try to push him away, but I’m weak from his kiss and my heart is protesting my request. Instead, I fiercely grip his waist to keep him from pulling away.

  Breathless, we part and his dark eyes are staring back at me. “That is how I kiss the person I’m meant to be with,” he rasps out. “I will never kiss anyone else like that ever again, I swear.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whimper. “I shouldn’t have reacted that way.” Matt is about to speak, but I stop him. “Please, I have to let it out.” His silence allows me to continue. “I hate the person I’ve become. I’ve turned into this raving bitch and my only excuse is because I’m afraid of losing you.”

  “Beautiful, that will never happen.”

  “You kissed her, though. When I saw you with Laura, I snapped. I felt like your words were nothing but a broken promise. How am I supposed to believe your words when you do things that make me believe otherwise?” I whimper out as I lay my head on his shoulder.

  Lifting my chin, I look up at him once again. “It was a mistake. I know that now,” he confesses. “At the moment it seemed like I was in the past with her. I never meant for any of it to happen, beautiful,” he apologizes with a whisper. “You can tell me to go to hell if you want, but even if you did, I’d still find my way back to you,” he says against my temple. “I’m going to fix this, Abigail,” he promises.

  His words are my breaking point. My weakened heart has succumbed to them as I lean my head against his shoulder again. “Can we just put this all behind us, please? I don’t ever want to talk about it again.”

  “I’d like nothing more,” he whispers.

  Minutes pass and the sky has now darkened as we stand wrapped in each other’s arms in silence. “I’m not moving back in now,” I indicate, feeling his body stiffen, but I add, “I need more time, Matt.”

  I feel him nod his head before answering. “Not too much time. I can’t stand not having you near.” I don’t respond. I’m too exhausted from fighting with him to bother.

  AS I DRIVE up to Lisa’s apartment, I start to grow anxious. I’d been dreading the thought of taking her to the doctor, but now that the day has arrived and I’m waiting outside her apartment to pick her up, I’m excited.

  Although I still have my doubts about the entire situation, I have to force myself to push them aside. As much as I fear being a father so soon¸ the thought is starting to grow on me. I see Lisa come out as she briskly walks her way over to Trey’s Jeep. She climbs in with a radiant smile on her face.

  “Where’s your car?” she curiously asks, looking around inside Trey’s Jeep.

  I focus on the road ahead as I pull off. “It’s in the shop,” I curtly reply without any further explanation.

  “You excited?” she enthusiastically asks and I’m thankful that she’s changing the subject.

  I force a smile as I answer, “Sure.”

  “How was school today?”

  “It was good,” I shortly reply, looking down at my phone to double-check my directions of the address she texted me earlier.

  She continues on with her bubbly conversation, but I focus on my driving to shut her out. Out of the corner of my eye I can see her face turn to a frown, looking agitated.

  “Well?” she annoyingly asks.

  “Well what?”

  “I was suggesting we go shopping for baby supplies together.”

  Her statement takes me by surprise. “Don’t you think it’s too soon to be doing that?” I say, looking down at her stomach. I haven’t seen her much but on occasion around campus. It’s usually brief, as I make sure not to linger so not to give her the wrong idea.

  “It's never too soon,” she states as she starts rubbing her stomach and my mind forms a vision of Abigail’s hand doing the same. Directing my eyes back on the road, I give my head a shake to bring myself back to reality. “Do you have a preference?” I hear her ask.

  Confused, I ask, “About what?”

  “Do you want a boy or girl?” she clarifies. “I want a girl, but I know most guys want a boy so they can name it after themselves.”

  “Look, Lisa, I’m sorry I don’t seem as excited as you, but to be honest, I’m still trying to take it all in.”

  “How can you not be happy?”

  I look at her like she’s lost her mind. “I’ll just let you be excited for the both of us,” I clip out, focusing on the road again. I hear her utter something under her breath, but I pay no attention.

  Before long we’re at the clinic and when inside they give Lisa her paperwork to fill out. Taking a seat in the waiting room with her, we’re surrounded by several different pregnant women and a couple in front of us. I watch as the man caresses the belly of his significant other. My mind returns to my earlier thought, this time envisioning my hand on Abigail’s swollen stomach. The thought makes me close my eyes and swallow the lump now lodged in my throat. When I open my eyes, I look over at Lisa who is giving me a smile before she returns to filling out her paperwork.

  As I wait I use the time to send off my daily text to Abigail.

  I miss you – Matt

  Within a minute I receive a respond.

  I miss you too – Abigail

  I take in her response and my mind returns to the conversation we had after we left the park.

  I’m miserably lying in bed thinking of Abigail. It’s been an hour since I’ve left her, but her dispirited expression I left her with has been haunting my mind. I hear the ping of a text message. I look
down at my phone expecting it to be Lisa again, but instead I brighten up when I see it’s Abigail.

  I miss you, too. - Abigail.

  Her words can’t keep me from calling her. As she answers she says:

  “Are we ever going to stop making mistakes?” she whispers into the phone.

  My heart sinks. “I hope so,” I sincerely reply.

  “I never meant to hurt you,” I remind her. “Please, Matt, we agreed to not talk about it anymore,” she reminds me.

  “Okay, but just remember that I love you too much to lose you,” I explain.

  She sniffles. “I love you, too. I just wish it would have never happened,” she whimpers into the phone.

  “Me, too,” I agree.

  My thoughts are broken when they call for Lisa. As we’re walking, Lisa curiously asks, “What are you smiling about?”

  “Abigail,” I happily answer.

  Her expression turns sour, almost angered. “I thought you guys broke up?” she mutters, her question laced with a hint of bitterness.

  “No, we didn’t,” I reveal to her.

  We follow the nurse who is a couple of steps ahead of us. “How does she feel about you having a baby with somebody else? I doubt she likes being a fourth wheel,” she claims. The nurse is peering over her shoulder, looking confused from Lisa’s words.

  Ignoring the both of them, I follow them into the exam room. The nurse immediately begins to give Lisa instructions to remove all her clothes and put on a papered gown for examination, pointing to something sitting on an exam table.

  Realizing what Lisa needs to do, I speak up. “I’ll wait outside,” I tell her.

  “Oh, you don’t have to leave the room. It’s not like she has anything you haven’t seen before,” the nurse jokes, but I don’t bother responding, already exiting the room. The only naked body I want to see from this day forward is Abigail’s.

  The nurse follows me out of the room, asking before she leaves, “I take it you don’t want to be there for the vaginal exam either?”

  I don’t need the details to what that exam entails. The words alone are enough to tell me I don’t want to be there. Giving her a quick shake, she chuckles again and tells me I can take a seat in a chair placed across from the exam room. Before long, I see a doctor knocking on the door to enter. Ten minutes later the door opens again and I see the doctor.

  “You can come in now. I’ve finished my exam,” she informs me.

  Following her back into the room, I take a seat in the chair against the wall. “Lisa wanted you to be here for the rest of the visit,” she informs me.

  Giving her a short nod, I see her pull a machine from the corner of the room over to the side of the bed. “Lisa tells me you’re the father. Are you excited?” the doctor asks, not bothering to look at me when she asked. Instead she’s making notes in a chart. I don’t bother to answer, not wanting a repeat of what happened in the car.

  The doctor looks up at me as Lisa’s eyes bore into mine. “Of course he’s happy,” Lisa answers for me. I’m about to dispute her response when my phone starts to sing Here Without You, the ringtone I’d designated for Abigail after she left. It was fitting at the time. The chorus doesn’t get too many words into it before I’m digging it out of my pocket to silence it.

  “Sorry, that was my girlfriend,” I slowly clip out, earning me the continuous narrowed eyes from Lisa.

  For a moment the doctor looks confused, but professionally continues at her task. Within seconds my phone starts ringing again, but this time it doesn’t make it past the first three words before I push ignore on the screen. The doctor dims the light and a minute later I hear the ding informing me Abigail has left a message. The regret of not being able to take her phone call is coursing through me. It’s the first time I’ve ever had to ignore her call. Another minute later it’s followed by the ping of a text message and curiosity gets the better of me.

  I’m sorry for bothering you. – Abigail

  Her message stabs at my heart knowing she’s resenting me for not taking the call. I silently question whether she knows I’m at Lisa’s appointment with her. I know I didn’t tell her. The only way she would know is if she’s spoken to Trey and that’s why she’s calling. I’m forced to push the thought away when I hear a loud, fast thumping coming from the machine the doctor is standing near. When I look up, I see a black and white blur on the screen. At first I’m confused, until I realize it’s my baby. My heart speeds with the realization of knowing this is a life I’ve created. I stand up to take a closer look and I’m left breathless when I see it flutter on the screen. A hundred different images of my future with this child course through my mind in that spit second.

  “Since you said you can’t remember when your last period was, we’ll just take some simple measurements to determine how far along you are, Lisa,” the doctor mentions, concentrating on the screen while pushing at some buttons.

  “That’s the baby, right?” I ask the doctor, wanting confirmation.

  She looks over at me, a smile on her face. “Of course.”

  My breath hitches as my heart is rapidly beating with the sound surrounding the room.

  “According to the measurements, I’d say you’re about twelve weeks along,” the doctor informs Lisa, punching at buttons with her hand. The excitement is further rising through me, but when I take in her comment, my heart completely stops as the blood sinks to the depths of my toes. “What did you say?” I utter.

  The doctor looks over at me. “She’s twelve weeks along,” she repeats.

  Doing the math in my head, I know that cannot be right. “It’s only been nine weeks since Chicago,” I say, trying to contain the anger replacing my excitement as I look over to Lisa.

  Her face pales, looking just as shocked. “Maybe she’s wrong, Matt. Right, doctor? Those measurements can be wrong. I’m nine weeks like he says, right?” she asks, sounding desperate at this point.

  The doctor is looking between both Lisa and I, confused and apprehensive to say anything. “I’m sorry, Lisa. The measurements can be off by maybe a week, but not by three. You’re sitting at around twelve weeks, maybe thirteen since the baby is sitting on the larger side,” she conveys, sounding confident in her assessment.

  “You lied to me?”

  Lisa doesn’t respond, but instead begins crying. The doctor immediately stands up, reaching for some tissue to give her.

  “Why did you lie?” I demand of her.

  She continues to cry, but I’m no longer sympathetic because of her deceit. Lisa looks at me with desperation in her eyes. “I didn’t know what to do,” she cries out.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I snarl out at her.

  The doctor is standing there, looking uncomfortable over the entire situation. “Lisa, why would you lie and say this young man is the father of your child when he clearly isn’t?”

  “Because I don’t know who the father is,” she announces with a wail.

  “What do you mean you don’t know who the father is?” the doctor asks, beating me to the same question I wanted to ask.

  Lisa’s crying is now making her convulse. The doctor tries her best to calm her, informing her it isn’t good for the baby. “I went to a frat party and I got really drunk. All I remember is having sex more than once that night, but it wasn’t with the same guy,” she says between sobs. “I think Trey was one of them. That’s why I went to your house that night. I wanted to tell him I was pregnant, but you were drunk and it was easy to have sex with you. I knew that if I told you I was pregnant you would help me raise the baby.”

  The doctor looks surprised, while the blood drains from inside of me all over again.

  “How could you expect me to raise a baby that isn’t mine?”

  “Why not?” she whines out.

  I watch as the doctor’s eyes, along with mine, go wide. “Because I love someone else, Lisa. I can’t believe you did this to me,” I bellow before storming out of the exam room, not bothe
ring to wait for Lisa. I know it’s wrong to leave her there, but at this point I’d rather leave her than risk strangling her for her little stunt.

  Making it back to the Jeep, I sit there, angry. I cannot believe I let myself fall for her shit. The moment I saw that baby on the screen I’d looked forward to holding that baby in my arms, only to find out it’s not even mine. The rage inside of me is already taking over as I turn the ignition and speed out of the parking garage.

  “HOW MANY ARE we planning on running today?” Julio skeptically asks, looking up at the grey sky that is beginning to darken by the minute—a downside of living in Portland.

  The weather is always unpredictable. It’s always hit or miss on good weather, especially now that the winter is upon us. I look up to the sky with him, praying the weather holds up long enough for me to finish my run. “According to my schedule, I’m supposed to run sixteen today, but I doubt it will be that much.”

  Julio’s lips go flat as he looks back to me. “Let’s hope. The last thing I want is to get caught up in the rain storm,” he states, not sounding happy about it. “Neither do I,” I add.

  We begin walking over to the entrance of the trail that we’ve chosen for today. Julio is already climbing onto his bike and I’m about to bring my playlist up on my phone. I hear the ping of a text message and when I open it up, my lips turn up wide.

  I miss you- Matt

  Without hesitating I respond.

  I miss you too – Abigail

  I look over at Julio who is already pedaling on his bike, making me chuckle as he gains distance on me. I still can’t get over the fact that he cannot keep up with me sometimes, even with the bike. But then again, once I hit my zone with running, I forget he’s even riding next to me half the time. I get so lost to the music blasting in my ears that my legs automatically move faster against my own will. When I reach into the pocket of my jacket for my earphones, I come up empty handed. I check the top pockets, but find them empty as well.