by Sonya Jesus
“Who else is it supposed to be from?” Okay, he’s very confrontational tonight. Must be the whole not getting a release thing. I’ve always heard blue balls are not fun, at least that’s what Robins told me. So, I’m going to cut him a break and not acknowledge his outburst because I’m responsible for this state of irritation. “It’s the rest of your gift. Haley was supposed to give it to you before you went to practice.”
Fucking Haley. Eeyore.
My confession can wait. “What is up with you and Haley anyway?” I back up.
He looks uncomfortable as he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a familiar purple envelope. “She gave me this today. Showed up at my dorm in tears, saying you didn’t want us being friends?”
“That girl is driving me insane!” I can’t control how my anger makes my arms move exaggeratedly. “That-that shit-” I stammer, pointing to the stupid envelope, “that’s not normal.” I wait for him to say something about it. All I get is an unconcerned shrug. What?
“I thought it was cute.”
“Let me get this straight? You think the fact that Haley bought you an anniversary card on our anniversary is okay?” I make sure to emphasize our. “Because I think it’s fucking creepy and that she has some sort awkward crush on you.”
He doesn’t deny it. Heck, he probably encourages it.
“Do you hang out often? Like without me?”
He shifts his weight, “She comes over, sometimes, to talk.”
“Talk about what? Because there shouldn’t be any talking between the two of you.”
“Amelia? You’re acting crazy- “
“I’m what?” I heard the actual snap in my voice. I don’t even know where that came from.
He runs his fingers through his hair, trying to think of the right answer.
There is no right answer; the right answer would have been not to say anything in the first place. Now, it’s too late. “You think I’m acting crazy because I’m mad that you have a relationship with my suitemate, who has a weird fucking fetish with you? You should consider yourself lucky that I am even giving you the opportunity to explain because I’m this close to making you leave.” I hold up my thumb and forefinger to indicate how close I am to kicking him out of my life.
“Are you jealous?”
He thinks this is funny, does he?
“No, Connor. I’m pissed.” I move to the bed, grabbing the chocolates and shoving them against his chest in one fluid motion.
His hands fly up to hold the chocolates, some of them topple to the floor from the loose box.
“Go wish your second girlfriend a happy anniversary. Maybe she’ll connect with you.”
“Come on, Lia! She has a crush on me. It’s harmless.” He should wipe that stupid smirk off his face.
“It’s not harmless if I don’t like it. You encourage it.”
He starts shaking his head no.
I raise my voice. “Yes, you do! You give her stupid pet names. She told me about Eeyore. It’s weird. Why do you call her that?”
“I don’t,” he shouts. “It was once. We made fun of you and your ‘Robins’.”
“THERE IS NO MORE ME AND ROBINS BECAUSE OF YOU!”
Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. I lower my head, close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. I’m such a bitch.
“I’m done,” I say, crossing my hands in front of my chest. “I’m done with this night. With this anniversary.” I lift my head up in order to avoid his eyes because I don’t want to see what’s there. “I just want to go to bed.” I give up. I just can’t do anything right tonight. “You can stay or go. It makes no difference to me.”
“Fuck,” he shouts throwing the chocolates across the room. They hit the wall and scatter all over the floor.
I pushed him too far.
“I knew it was a matter of time before you threw Robins back at me. Lia, sometimes you piss me the fuck off!” He yells so loudly I’m sure the Soccer Gods heard that.
“Good,” I focus on the chocolates. “Now you know how I feel.”
He tromps over to my closet.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting my stuff,” he growls from inside.
It’s over. It knocks the wind out of me. I sit on my bed, deflated because he’s taken all the energy out of me.
He comes out of my closet, holding two t-shirts and a hoodie and wearing a wistful expression
The image of our end makes me want to burst into tears. He’s officially breaking up with me. I have to repeat it to wrap my head around it; the Freshman is breaking up with me.
Everyone was right. I’m incapable of having a relationship… a functional relationship. Where did my relationship with him get me? I’m fighting with my suitemates, and I’ve lost Robins. I massage my forehead with the palm of my hands. I’m not feeling well.
“Tonight wasn’t supposed to end like this, Lia,” he says softly.
“Yea! I know how you wanted it to end.” My voice hardens with sarcasm.
“You’re impossible!” His hands clench around the shirts tightly. “I’m going to go.”
I shrug indifferently.
“This is absurd. This is it?”
“What do you want me to say, Connor?”
“I want a reason.” He doesn’t go; he’s waiting for me to answer. “You blame me for Robins ignoring you? You’re pushing me away because you blame me? That isn’t fair, Lia. I never asked you to choose.”
He has a point. Robins chose for me.
“You really want to end us like this? It doesn’t have to be a me-or-him scenario. Talk to him. I trust you.”
Ugh. Why is he being so fucking vulnerable?
“I’m a virgin,” I blurt it out in case it changes something.
He glares in my direction. “What? Now you are trying to be funny?” I wasn’t joking. He doesn’t come towards me. “I don’t buy it.”
“It’s the truth.” I bite my lip and look away, so I don’t watch him leave me.
His hand finds my cheek, “You’re serious?” He tenderly grabs my chin between his thumb and pointer finger. “That’s why?”
My eyes answer him.
Understanding comes over him, but deep inside I know it’s too late. I move my head, releasing my chin. He doesn’t reach for me again but sits down next to me. “It’s hard to believe.” He pauses a moment. “But, it would put a lot of things into perspective. The thought has crossed my mind a few times, but then you-” he smiles knowingly. “You don’t seem like one when we’re alone.”
“I said I was a virgin, not a prude. I know some things.”
He shakes his head okay and looks towards the box of chocolates on the floor.
“So, you not sleeping with me tonight…?”
I nod yes, finishing his thought.
“You’re nervous?”
I answer with a nod again.
He nods too, giving me time to find my words.
“Does this change things?” Half of me wanted it to end things, while the other half would be devastated if it did. I would hate to prove people right. Maybe I just didn’t do relationships?
He sighs and contemplates what to say. “This is what this…” he says, looking at the floor, “is all about isn’t it?”
“No, I’m still pissed off about Haley.”
“Don’t push me away, Lia.”
I grunt. It would be so easy to push him away right now, but a nagging feeling inside keeps me from it.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t think it would matter.” I lie. “Does it?” I ask again, making myself vulnerable. What if he said it did change things? Where did we go from there?
“I’m guessing celebration sex is out of the question anytime soon?”
I wanted him to be joking, but he wasn’t. I expected more from him and gave him more credit than he was worth. I wanted him to understand me; I wanted him to be the person he just promised me he would be a couple hours ago. Or was t
hat promise dependent on sex? Was all this for that? A way to get me in bed? Is that what a relationship meant to him? Couldn’t he see that there is more to intimacy than being intimate? The tears came now because I felt stupid.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s not exactly what I was hoping for, but tell me one thing. Is it eventually a possibility… or is it off the table?”
I should just tell him it’s off the table, end it here. I felt like we were already over before we even started. I let myself get carried away in the moment, and now I am regretting it. I feel like with that one question he put a time limit on us.
“Lia?” he pulls me out of our end. “Don’t do that. Don’t shut me out. This is new for me, and you have to give me some time to deal with it. I love you. I swear, and I would never pressure you to do anything. I just need to know why you’re a virgin. I guess that’s the better question.”
“I guess I’m picky who I let in…and it’s a way to keep people from hurting me.”
“I promise not to hurt you.” He shouldn’t make promises he can’t keep. “We will take things slow, and I promise that if I feel like I can’t handle it I will tell you and we can go from there. Okay?”
“Okay,” I agree. But I don’t know what exactly I am agreeing to. To a tentative relationship? To a future ex-boyfriend? To the next guy who is going to end up breaking my heart? What did I get myself into?
“I’m sorry,” he says again when I give him a fake smile.
He comes over to me, drops his shirts on the bed and bends down in front of me. He’s on the ball of his feet, squatting, with one hand on each of my outer thighs. He rests his forehead on mine. “This is a lot, Lia.”
“Mmh Hmm,” I mumble.
“Maybe I should go tonight, give us both some time to think?” He pushes himself up a little, leans and kisses me on the cheek before standing to full position.
“A little time?” I squint my eyes, not exactly sure what he’s asking me for. I’m too tired to try and figure it out, so I nod. He heads to the door, and I watch as he walks away. He turns around before stepping through the door. “Lia, maybe you should call Robins?”
“What?” My forehead crinkles.
He smiles and shuts the door, not elaborating. I can’t just go to Robins, not after everything. He didn’t care enough to come to me. Life is so much easier if I keep the penis-bearing population out of my bubble.
The chocolates scattered all over my floor are perfect evidence that the male population is detrimental to my sanity. I walk over to the box of chocolates, bend down to throw each one in the trash individually, bursting into tears.
Not because of Connor, but because I miss Robins. I want to call him and tell him what happened. I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is okay and that he missed me. Two weeks without him and I can barely function. I’m making stupid decisions, not thinking things through, and blurting things out— I’m a mess.
I round up some more chocolates, then grab my jacket and go for a walk to clear my head.
As soon as I get outside my building, the cold air hits my face, chilling my tears. I wipe them away and head towards Lovers’ Well, my favorite place to think. I have no idea what time it is, but it’s too quiet outside. I cut through the bushes behind my dorm, and hear a noise behind me. The hair on the back of my neck stands up; I get shivers down my spine. I stop moving and try to focus on what I am hearing. After a few seconds, the noise stops. I don’t turn around. Someone is standing behind me.
I let out a breath and turn around to confront whoever it is. No one is there. Goosebumps prickle my skin. I debate on going back, but the overwhelming feeling that someone or something was in these bushes with me, pushes me forward.
Of all the times to forget my phone. Shit.
The noise returns and I stop again. “Who is there?” I say, trying to keep my calm. There is no answer, but the noise is closer to me now. I tell myself it’s just an animal, but what kind of animal hangs out in bushes on campus? I call out again, demanding a response, but nothing or no-one is forthcoming. Not even the noise I heard before. If it was an animal, I spooked it; if it wasn’t I spooked whoever it was anyway. Either way, I run the rest of the way.
Once I reach the well-lit path that leads up to Lovers’ Well, I hide and wait to see if something emerges from the bushes. Nothing comes out or makes itself known. I was hearing things before, and engaging in a sciamachy created by my agitation, no doubt. I study the path leading to the well, and as much as I love the comfort it brings me, I’m no longer feeling the need to be alone.
Chapter 6: 100 Acre Woods
Lia
I reach my destination in a few minutes and bang on the door hard enough to wake him up if he’s sleeping. I had to see him tonight. I didn’t plan on coming here, but somehow I ended up in Robins’ hallway. Knowing him, he’s probably not home, or he may not even want to see me, but it was a risk I was willing to take because I simply can’t take it anymore.
Even Connor said for me to talk to him. Though, I doubt he meant run to him in the middle of the night after us almost breaking up. Or maybe breaking up? I’m not exactly sure what the hell Connor and I are at the moment. Or what we will be tomorrow. All I know is that I’m self-destructing without Robins. Everything feels off because he was the one that kept me on my axis.
And maybe, I don’t want to miss him anymore.
When he doesn’t open the door, I bang again, harder. If he isn’t home, I will wait for him. I’ll sit my ass down on this yucky green carpet and wait until he comes back… back to me. I knock, letting my knuckles tell him just how desperate I am for him to be home.
After what seems like an eternity, he opens the door, a look of shock plastered on his face. I don’t wait a single second. I throw myself into his arms and hold him tight against me, trying to make up for all the missing him in one single hug. I put no distance between us. There is no distance necessary when space is forbidden. I’m forbidding it.
When I don’t let go, he wraps his arms around me and holds me so close that I can feel his heart banging against his chest. My Vixen, Angel and I all sigh in simultaneous relief. We really like this kind of close.
His chin rests against my head as I nestle my face against his neck. For the first time in weeks, I feel normal again, yet completely overrun by a multitude of emotions. I can’t decide whether I want to cry or jump for joy or scream at him. So, I cling to him, even as the frustration starts to flow through my veins.
The utter joy that comes from his embrace is replaced with all the turmoil from the last two weeks. Everything that’s been happening to me, all of it, is because my world wasn’t meant to be Robinsless.
He did this.
I back up and punch him in the chest with the side of my fists repeatedly, not stopping. “Don’t you ever give me space again! Do you understand me?” The sharpness in my words are muted through my ragged breaths.
He cups his hands around my wrists, stopping my assault on his perfectly carved chest, and holds them between us. The confusion and defiance in his eyes do little to tame my tongue.
“I will never forgive you if you do that to me again! Do I make myself clear, Robins?”
He purses his lips and nods. Just as I am about to berate him for his silence, he uses his grip on my hands to pull me closer, squeezing me tighter than before, and not giving me a single nanometer of space.
Tears sting my eyes.
When he loosens his grip, I rub the pain in my eyes away with the palm of my hands. In an attempt to soothe me, he gently caresses my hair with one hand while tenderly rubbing my back with the other,
It feels like forever until he whispers, “I’ve missed you too, Pooh Bear.”
I sag into his arms. I’ve never wanted anything so much than to not have space between Robins and I.
You’re where you belong, my Angel says. My Vixen sighs, completely content with Robin’s presence. All of us are committing th
is moment to memory.
“God, I’ve missed the way you feel in my arms,” he blurts out.
I blink away the tears of relief. I should have stopped hugging him, but the idea of being away from him made my heart cringe.
“I’m so happy you’re here.”
“Are you sick of me, Robins?” The question has been in the back of my mind for the last two weeks. He adjusts my position so he can get a better look at my face, which probably looks like a disaster with mascara running everywhere.
“Why are you asking me that?” His eyes plea for me to see how much he cares.
“You gave me space when I didn’t ask for it. You said we spent too much time together. But you’re my best friend, Robins. My life is weird without you. You barely talk to me anymore, and you go out of your way not to touch me…” I confess what I have been holding in. “It’s messing with me, making me crazy. I flipped out on Haley today. I almost slept with Connor. I- “
“You what?” he raises his voice. “Because he sang to you tonight?”
How did he know that?
He doesn’t wait for me to answer. “Meg told me. I went to see it for myself. Pretty smooth for a guy who is just trying to get in your pants.”
That was the first time in two weeks he’s bad mouthed Connor, and I was so freaking happy I even agreed with him. I don’t want to fight with Robins. Not when he’s been right all along. “I let myself get carried away, then there was a fire drill, and it sent off alarms in my head, as well as the building. I am not ready, and he isn’t going to wait for me.” I bite my lower lip.
Robins tugs it out from under my tooth. “I hate when you do that.” The gesture, his touch, restores something in me… something that oozes warmth from my heart and relaxes every extremity. “Come inside. I’m in my boxers.”
How did I not notice? My heart was no longer the only thing spreading warmth to certain Vixen areas. I blush immediately, taking a moment to study the Pooh fur colored boxers, before averting my gaze. There was a Pooh on his left upper thigh, hugging Christopher Robins near the tree that happened to be stretched out over his magic stick.
These are new, my Vixen comments on his attire and demands I look again.
