“What kind of tests and what kind of doctor are you exactly?” Dr. Cummings looks at Dr. Leppin, but he shakes his head.
“You are her son, Cooper, correct?” Holy shit, is he for real?
“Yes, I am. Now I’ve answered your question, so answer mine.” I’m slowly losing what little patience I had.
“Cooper, we are going to run a few brain tests. Just checking for reactions from certain things.” I fucking knew it.
“I’d like to speak with you in the hallway.” I don’t even wait for him to reply. I just walk out. He follows me and leans against the wall, waiting for me to speak. “So you’re a psychiatric doctor?” He nods his head. “Listen, my mother is not fucking crazy. She has depression. I’ve explained this to Dr. Cummings already.” I am clenching my hands in fists I’m so pissed off.
“Cooper, no one said she was crazy. I’ve been in contact with her psychologist. How long have you known about her being bipolar?”
“What the fuck are you talking about? She’s not bipolar; she is depressed from losing my father.” He looks at me, shaking his head.
“I had a feeling she never told you. Cooper, your mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly after you were born. When your father was alive he took care of her, but since his passing she’s gotten worse. Her psychologist has been treating her since your father made her go. They thought it was postpartum depression, but after testing they found out it was bipolar. Losing your father has just made her have more manic and depressive episodes. She needs to be hospitalized until we can get her on the correct medicine and be sure she is no longer a danger to herself.” My head is about to explode with all of this. How the fuck could she never tell me any of this? I feel so fucking betrayed.
“So you’re telling me that she knows she is bipolar? She knew all these years and never bothered to tell me, just took advantage of me?” I’m pacing now because I’m so fucking pissed.
“Cooper, she didn’t do any of that to take advantage of you. Those were during her depressive episodes. She became dependent on you being there, and when you weren’t around, she did what she always wants to do, take her life. It’s not the first time. She did this about twenty years ago. She needs help, Cooper, let me help her.” Motherfucker, I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’ve lost control of everything.
“Help her. Do whatever it is she needs, but make sure she is treated with respect and understanding. I can’t be here right now. I need to go. I left my phone number with the nurse. Call me and let me know where she is going and when.” I don’t bother even waiting for a response. I need to leave, now. I need to do something to help the ache in my heart from my mom’s betrayal and the hole left there by losing Emma.
Once I’m home, I head down to the bar. I go behind it and pull out a shot glass and a bottle of vodka. I pour my first drink in almost four years. I bring it up to my lips and close my eyes. As soon as I do, I picture Emma playing her guitar by the lake and laughing when she misses a chord. I snap my eyes open and throw the shot glass across the bar, sending vodka everywhere. It hits the wall, breaking into a million pieces, just like my heart.
I AM SITTING ON MY ugly blue couch staring at my TV that is turned off while I drink my morning coffee. Today is exactly two weeks since I’ve seen Cooper, even though it feels like a lifetime. When Rowan picked me up from the hospital asking what happened, I ended up crying so hard that she had pulling over because I thought I was going to be sick. She stayed with me for the entire first week. She held me when I cried, made sure I ate, and even got me drunk. She listened tirelessly to me say I hate him, then crying saying that is a lie, I love him. She never let me get into my head for too long. Of course, she had to go home eventually so for the last week I’ve been alone. Not entirely alone because Rowan stopped by a few times, bringing Lane and Lacey.
I am done crying, now I’m pissed. I am so angry with him for hurting me, blaming me, and ignoring me. He hasn’t once called to apologize or simply check on me. I just can’t believe this is the same guy that made me fall in love with him. I sip my coffee and squeeze my eyes shut tightly. I know I need to come to terms with the fact this relationship is over, I just can’t. In my heart I don’t feel like it is, not yet.
After I finish my coffee, I go take a shower and get ready for my day. Terry has been so wonderful giving me paid time off. I don’t know any other boss that would do something so incredibly generous. Today, I have some things I need to take care of. I need to get some food in this house and get some laundry done. I’m meeting my mom for dinner and then I have plans. My phone rings as I am applying my lip gloss, and just like every time since Cooper left, I scramble to grab it. “Hello?”
“Hey, Em!” I smile even though tears pool in my eyes.
“Ryan. Is everything okay?” I love my brother more than anything and hearing his voice, knowing he is safe, makes my broken heart pound a bit faster.
“Everything is good. How about you? How’s my beautiful sister?” I never, ever tell him bad things. There is no point in getting him upset when there is absolutely nothing he can do. Why put that on him?
“I’m great. Getting ready to go food shopping.” He laughs because he knows I hate it.
“Well, listen, I can’t talk long, but I wanted to call you myself. I’m coming home, Em.” I squeal so loudly I actually hurt my own ears.
“Oh my God, this is the best news I’ve had in so fucking long. When?”
“Three months. We need to finish up this mission.” I wish it was today, but just knowing that he is coming home is enough.
“I can’t wait Ry. Do Mom and Dad know?” I hear someone talking and I know he is going to tell me he has to go.
“Yes, I called them right before you. Em, I need to go. I’ll call you as soon as I can. I love you.” I blink back my tears and quickly swallow the lump in my throat.
“I love you too, Ry. Be careful.”
“Always.” He hangs up and I can’t believe I actually have tears left, but apparently I do because I’m crying once again. Although with my brother, it’s a mix of missing him and relief that he is coming home.
After I stopped crying, I fixed my makeup and went to the food store. I came home and did all my laundry and even cleaned. I went to dinner with my mom at my favorite Italian restaurant. Most of the conversation was about Ryan coming home and I’m so grateful because I didn’t want to have to tell her what is going on with Cooper. When we were finished, I promised to call her during the week and I climbed into my jeep.
I’m now on my way to my appointment. I’m nervous, but I think my excitement keeps a small smile on my face. I park my jeep and check myself in the visor mirror. Satisfied, I flip it up and blow out a breath before opening the door and hopping out. Even though my heart is shattered in my chest, it is beating frantically. I pull open the door and step inside.
I walk up to the counter and smile. “Hi.”
“Emma. How are you?” I’m actually starting to feel a bit more nervous, but I hide it behind a smile.
“Good, Rain. How are you?” She gives me a shy smile and it’s all I need to see. Things with her and Levi must be great.
“I’m great. I’ll let Levi know you’re here. Hang on.” She gets on the phone and I start looking around at all the tattoo pictures hanging on the walls. Levi really does amazing work and that’s why I’m here. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to permanently mark me.
“Emma.” I spin around and Levi envelops me in a tight hug. I am trying damn hard to keep my tears at bay, but I’ve missed him. I didn’t even realize how much until now. “How are you?” he whispers in my ear, and a tear escapes falling onto his shoulder.
“I’ve been better, Levi.” He pulls away giving me a sympathetic face.
“Come to my office.” We walk the distance to his office, and we both sit on the couch. “I’m so sorry about everything. Is there anything I can do? Besides give you a kick ass tattoo.” I appreciate the shift because I don’t
want this to be about my broken relationship.
“Thanks, Levi. There is nothing you can do, but I’m not here for that. I’m here for my first tattoo.” He smiles and I can see how excited he gets. He loves what he does. He asks what I want and I tell him exactly how I want it.
“Shit, Em. That is going to look fucking hot. Alright, let me draw it up real quick and once you approve it, we will head out to my station and get to work. He sits at a drafting table drawing, while I sit on the couch getting more excited. When he is done and shows me, I hold my hand over my mouth. It is exactly what I pictured; no, it’s more beautiful.
“Levi, that’s it. It’s perfect.” We make our way to his station. He explains everything to me. He shows me the ink and the tattoo gun before putting the image on me. When I look in the mirror to see if I like it, I smile. I can’t wait until this is on me permanently. He has me lie on his table and turns on the machine.
“Just relax, Em. It’s going to be a little uncomfortable, but nothing you can’t handle. If you move, it won’t be perfect. I’m going to do the first line, you ready?” I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. He touches me with the needle and I want to pull away at first, but I don’t want to fuck this up. He was right, it was uncomfortable at first but nothing awful. “How you doing, Emma?” I don’t open my eyes but I do smile.
“I’m good. It’s not too bad. Ouch, shit. That was.” He chuckles and I crack one eye open to look at him. He’s leaning on my body but looking at me now smiling. Dick.
“Some spots are more sensitive. It’s looking really fucking good already. You’ll be done in no time.” We bullshit the rest of the time. Nothing heavy, just easy talk. Before I know it, he is wiping the extra ink off. “You are done, Em, and it looks fucking amazing. You ready to see it?” I’m so damn excited I almost fall off the table getting up. Levi laughs but grabs me. He walks with me over to the mirror and stands in front of it. “Thank you for allowing me to do your first tattoo, Em. I think it looks hot.” He steps out of the way, and I nearly fall to the ground. It is perfect. It is music notes running along my side, the basic chords of the guitar. I had him add a heart at the end of the scale. It curves up my side giving it a flowing motion. I feel a tear fall as I take in this amazing piece of art on my body. I look at Levi in the mirror and smile even with the tears in my eyes.
“I absolutely love it, Levi. Thank you so much.” He gives me a quick hug.
“I know this tattoo reminds you of Cooper. Are you alright?” He is spot on. This tattoo has everything to do with Cooper--music, the guitar, and love, all wrapped into one.
“You’re right it does, but I’m alright. You really did an unbelievable job.” He winks at me and pulls some papers out of a drawer.
“Alright, let’s go over how to care for this.” We sit down, and Rain comes rushing over with the phone. She looks worried and that puts me on edge.
“Sorry, Emma. Levi, it’s Roy. He says it’s an emergency.” I jump up when Levi grabs the phone. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest I can hear it in my ears.
“What’s up Roy?” I look over at Rain, but she shrugs her shoulders. Shit.
“What the fuck! Alright, I’ll be right there.” He hangs up and looks at me. “I need to get over to the bar.” Wait, what the fuck? I step in front of him and he looks down at me.
“What the fuck is going on?” He runs his hands roughly over his face before sighing.
“Come here and let me bandage that while I fill you in.” Fill me in? My heart is still pounding and I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. “Emma, Cooper has been on a destructive path. He’s letting the bar fall apart, he’s not booking bands, and he is being a complete asshole to customers. Even a lot of the regulars won’t go in there. He says he doesn’t give a shit to fight for anything anymore because it’s not worth it.” The tears are unstoppable. How could no one tell me?
“Why?” I choke out. He finishes putting the bandage on me and stands up.
“His mom lied to him, Emma. She is bipolar and never told him, plus he knows he fucked things up with you. I think this was his alternative to drinking. Listen; here are all the directions for how to care for the tattoo. I need to get over there because he is about ready to beat the shit out of Roy.” I pull my shit down and grab my purse.
“I’m coming. I’ll follow you.” He just nods and we rush out the door.
We pull up to the bar, and I’m shocked to see how easily we find parking. I jump out of the jeep and rush to catch up to Levi. We make our way inside, and holy shit, he wasn’t kidding. This place looks fucking disgusting. When was the last time he cleaned? No wonder no one wants to be in here; it actually smells. There are a few people, but nothing compared to what it used to be. As I get closer to the bar, I see dirty cups everywhere, old rags, and alcohol bottles knocked over. I shake my head, disgusted with him for allowing this to happen to his legacy. Levi rushes behind the bar when Cooper starts telling a customer if she wants to dress like a hooker, she should stand on the corner. Roy pushes Cooper back, and Cooper goes after him. Levi jumps in the middle. I’ve seen enough. I rush behind the bar beyond pissed.
“Cooper!” He spins around and pins me with the same horrible angry eyes he gave me in the hospital. Well, fuck that. I’m not taking his shit anymore. If he won’t help himself, I will.
“I already told you this was over, Emma. Get the fuck out of my bar.” Levi goes to stand in front of him, but I shake my head. I’ve got this.
“Believe me, Cooper, I don’t want to be in this dirty ass bar. But I’m going to tell you something, and you’re going to fucking listen. You may be willing to ruin your life, your legacy but I won’t allow you. When you told me I was yours, and I told you you were mine, I fucking meant it. I’m in this for good, Cooper, I’m not going anywhere. Only problem is you need to fucking man up and realize it.” I cross my arms giving him the same angry eyes he’s been giving me. He draws in his eyebrows searching my eyes.
“Emma, do you mean that? You’d come back to me after everything I said and did?” I blow out a breath trying to stay in control.
“If you would have bothered to get in touch with me, you’d realize I never left.” He pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes before looking back at me. A tear rolls down his cheek, and damn, I want to comfort him but I can’t right now. I need him to realize how serious I am.
“Emma, I’m so fucking sorry. For everything. I’m still the same guy you fell in love with. You’ve got to believe me.” I look at him then all around the bar then back at him.
“Prove it.”
THREE WEEKS AGO, EMMA TOLD me to prove it to her. I intended to do just that. I let shit get completely out of control. I was so pissed at my mom and heartbroken over Emma that I took it out on the only thing I had left, my bar.
In the last three weeks, I’ve busted my ass. I cleaned the shit out of the bar. I admit I am humiliated that I let it get that disgusting. I don’t blame people for not coming around. Pair that with my fucking unacceptable behavior and the bar was quickly going to hell. I hadn’t booked any bands, paid any of my employees or bills. I was really on a destructive path. After I threw that shot a few weeks ago, I never had the thought again. Emma has saved me so many times, and she has no fucking idea.
Not only have I gotten the bar back on track, but I am working on things with my mom. It’s not been easy but since I moved her to a facility that has constant medical staff, yet allows her the independence she wants, it has been much better. She won’t be able to stay there forever, but until we both learn how to deal with everything, it’s the best thing. We’ve both been to counseling together, and we are slowly building our relationship. She has cried and begged me to forgive her for everything. She cries every time I tell her how she made me choose and I chose her, which in the end made me lose everything. Like I said, we are working on things.
I took Roy and Levi out to lunch and apologized for the way I treated them and the customers, and for making them
have to deal with me. They really are amazing friends to not only accept my apology but for not punching me in the face for acting the way I was. Although, I don’t think anyone would have gotten to me like Emma. When I saw her after so long, it was like a punch in the gut. She looked absolutely stunning. I would do anything to get us back to the way we were. I need her. She is my life, and obviously, without her, my life turns to shit. I have never in my life loved someone as much as I love her. I may have been the world’s biggest piece of shit the last couple of weeks, but I intend to make it up to her the rest of my life. I will never again let someone else come between us, not even my mother. I needed to figure out a huge gesture to get her to realize I’m still the guy she fell in love with. It took me a while to work it all out, but once I did, I knew it would be exactly what it would take.
I get out of the shower, and instead of putting on my normal ‘James Bar’ T-shirt, I put on a blue-and-black button-down shirt. I roll up the sleeves, making sure to show off my tattoos. I throw my jeans on and fix my hair. When I’m finished getting ready, I go down to the bar to make sure everything is being taken care of. Roy is behind the bar stacking the glasses so I go back to help him. He looks up at me and whistles. “Looking great, boss.” I laugh and we get to work making sure everything is ready for opening. It’s going to be a busy Saturday since I finally have Wicked Union back. “You ready for tonight, boss? Are you nervous?” I look over at him and smile.
“Roy, if you would have asked me that a few months ago, I would have told you I was scared shitless. I can honestly tell you nothing scares me more then not getting Emma back, so this is nothing compared to that.” He gives me a slap on the back.
Dancing Hearts Page 19
