by Mz. Toni
Things with Quesha have been hard. I’ve never had to deal with someone going through the things that she is. It's difficult, but I'm going to keep supporting her and showing her love so she doesn't relapse.
“How are you?” I asked Quesha. She’d basically been in the bed since finding out.
“Can you pass me my pills?” she said ignoring my question. Passing her the pills, I turned to walk out of the room. I just couldn't bear to see her give up, but I was glad that she started taking her medicine. Leaving her room, I went downstairs to prepare dinner, she hasn't been really eating much, but I still offer it just in case. Knocking on her door, I waited for her to answer, when she didn't I got a little worried.
“Quesh baby it's me open the door!” I screamed trying to turn the knob. After knocking a couple more times, I rammed my body into the door. Of course, that shit didn't work so I had no choice but to call R.J. to help me with the door.
“When you get the door open I don't want you to look around, just walk out!” I said thinking the worst. Without even trying, R.J. was able to get the door open using a knife, I was happy he didn't have to go in there. Now go downstairs and call the ambulance son, I already knew what she had did and I'm a little upset with her for not fighting harder. Grabbing her body, I took her into the bathroom and into the tub. Ramming my fingers down the back of her throat, I watched as she vomited profusely.
“Why didn't you let me die?” she screamed soaking wet from the shower.
“What the fuck is wrong with you Quesha!” I screamed back at her.
“I can't do this Shana, I can't. Every time I see all those pills my heart hurts, when I think of all the stupid things I’ve done my heart hurts. I don't deserve to be here anymore,” she said as she bawled her eyes out.
“I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is for you, but do you really wanna die?”
“I do, I'm so tired of this life. I'm not strong like you, it feels like life is throwing me punches one jab after another and I'm tired of fighting. How long do I have to swing before I forfeit and give up this fight called life,” she said crying hysterically.
“I need you to fight. I need you to be strong because God doesn't give us more than we can bear. I finally got my best friend back and I ain't tryna lose you now, what about your son, he wants his mother back.”
“I'm so sorry!” she cried while hugging me.
“If you don't want to live for yourself then live for your son,” I said through teary eyes.
“I just feel so sad and lost, like I'm slowly disappearing.”
“Maybe you should speak to someone about how you're feeling.”
“I think it’s time that I do. I mean, I don't want to risk my sobriety and I don't want to be suicidal and right now I’m doing both.”
“Alright I’ll make a few phone calls but in the meantime just write how you're feeling, it helps.”
“I already been doing that for a long time.”
“You been writing, I didn't even know that.”
“Yeah I would feel so low when I was tricking, it helped for me to write.”
“I wouldn't mind reading your work, and maybe signing you.”
“Really you would do that?”
“Yup, and in the mean time I need an assistant, do you think you’ll be up to that?”
“Would I!!!” she said excitedly hugging me.
“Ok we can talk about pay, but trust me it’ll be good.”
“Thank you so much!”
“That's what best friends are for.”
It’s been over a month since Quesha started working for me and I swear she is a godsend. I know I won't have her for much longer because her debut book is set to be released in a couple of weeks and when I tell you it’s a banger, trust me it is. She even mentioned moving out of my house, I'm just not too sure how I feel about that. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of her I just don't want her to slip back into her old ways. She still doesn't have her son back but he visits every weekend and she also goes to see him more than three times a week. I feel like she’s doing great as far as her depression goes even though she still has her days. Last night I took her to Camille’s birthday party, she didn't touch an ounce of liquor or wine and I was very proud. She doesn't want to do anything to risk her staying clean and I respect that to the fullest.
“Hey friend,” Quesha greeted me, interrupting me from my thoughts.
“Hey what’s up?’
“Shit about to send out a few emails for you,” she replied, looking down at her phone she had the biggest smile on her face.
“Who got you smiling like that bitch?”
“Nobody, just a friend,” she said with a smile.
“Is this friend someone you met at the party last night?” I asked already knowing.
“Yeah, it’s Kasan’s friend.”
“What friend?”
“Christian,” she said happily. I heard all about Chris’ crazy ass. He’s been known to break nigga’s necks and I heard he’s a few colors short of a rainbow, but hey, if she likes it I love it.
“Oh ok…”
“Why you say it like that bitch?’
“Nah he just known to get a little crazy,” I said honestly.
“I don't know, I like him and he makes me laugh.”
“If you like him then so do I,” I said hugging her.
“It ain't that serious, I mean it ain't like we can go anywhere.”
“What you mean?”
“I'm HIV positive Shana! He cool to occupy my time because I've been a little lonely.”
“You can live a full life Quesha. Don't shut him out before even knowing him.”
“I can't stand when people say that shit, oh HIV isn't a death sentence! Would you fuck with a nigga that had it?” she asked.
“Honestly, I don't know that I would but if I honestly had feelings for him and wanted to build something then why not.”
“You full of shit!”
“How you gonna say that! I know you remember Patrick…”
“That boy from middle school you dated?”
“Yup he had full blown AIDS and we dated for over a year.”
“I didn't know he had that.”
“Yup he got it from a blood transfusion, he didn't tell me right away but when his mom noticed I was coming over often she sat both of us down and explained it to me,” I said honestly.
“How did you react?”
“I was upset because we were kissing and touching and he never told me. I was ignorant back then and I didn't know how you could get it.”
“Damn.”
“Yup, but I forgave him after a while and the only reason we broke up was because he moved.”
“So do you suggest I tell him right away even before we have something?” she asked.
“Honestly, I think you should tell him right away, why waste ya time on somebody that ain't gonna accept it.”
“You're right, I have a date with him tonight I'm gonna tell him then I mean wheat the worst that could happen if he accepts me great if not atleast I was honest and upfront,” she said. After talking to Quesha for a little while longer I prepared myself to pick up Sparkle. I think her and R.J. are officially dating even though he hasn't said anything about it. We been taking them to the movies and shit, which is all new to me. My son is only twelve years old and I damn sure ain't ready for this.
“Ma is you ready?” he asked.
“Don't rush me little boy!” I yelled grabbing my car keys. When I picked up Sparkle she looked so cute in her sundress and sandals.
“R.J. you sit up front with me so we can talk,” I said before Sparkle got into the car. At this moment it was a blessing that she couldn't hear what I was about to say to my son.
“What you doing with this girl?” I asked while driving.
“Man you sound like aunt Shante now.”
“She is a good girl, I know this is just puppy love but I still don't want you hurting her in the process.”
“I'm not, I like her ma.”
“Uh huh I don't wanna have to beat your ass!”
“I like you too R.J.!” she screamed, causing me to stop my car. When we looked back there she had the biggest smile on her face and I couldn't help the tears that formed in my eyes.
“You heard us?” I asked.
“Yes!” she replied.
“How?”
“My implant works!”
“I'm so happy for you Sparkle!”
“Thanks,” she replied. After pulling back off into traffic, I dropped them off at the movies, all while thanking God for being so good to us. Happy to have some me time I decided to go to the mall and treat myself to some pampering, I planned on getting my hair done, nails done and maybe buy myself something sexy. Hell I might work on snagging myself a young sexy big dick nigga, I been single long enough why should I continue to punish myself by being lonely when I did nothing wrong. I needed to step out and start mingling. I didn't see myself being in a relationship ever again but I could atleast get me a couple friends. Raymond and my sister seriously broke my heart and messed it up for any man that should possibly come along.Deep in my thoughts while driving, a song came on that really expressed my true feelings.
Now don't be mislead by the things that I’ve said in the past I was young and I was looking for a thrill, But it didn't last long I was in it for the wrong, wrong reason wrong season wrong person yeah, cuz he just wanted one thing and I just wanted something to smile at and live for and hug on, I’d rather have quality than quantity I just want someone that will keep it real with me, Is that too much? Cuz I been on a search and I'm losing my hope, Is that too much? Tryna find a love in a world so cold, Is that too much? I just want a answer I can't be the only one, Is that too much? Ain't gotta be perfect just give me a purpose to love, I just want somebody to treat me like somebody, But maybe I'm just asking for too much.
He has no idea how much he’s hurt and scarred me, I feel like I have so much emotional baggage I wouldn't even put that burden on another man. I try and act like work and the kids are enough but honestly it's not I miss the feel of a man, the touch of a man, the familiarity of a man, I just miss having a man even if it all was just a facade atleast I had somebody. Pulling up to the salon I hopped out of my car and up to the salon, grabbing the door to walk in someone walking out beat me to the punch, running smack dab into me making me drop my phone. I wouldn't of been as pissed if dude wasn't talking on the phone and not even paying attention.
“Damn excuse you!” I snapped.
‘My bad lil mama.”
“My name is not lil mama!” I said pissed. I had a lot going on and a lot on my mind and I wasn't in the mood for some ignorant nigga.
“Yo you got a nasty ass attitude you lucky I apologized to ya little bougie ass!” he snapped back. Shocked, I just stared at him and I’ll be damned if he wasn't the finest man I’d ever seen. Standing at 6’0 tall 260 lbs of all muscle, long dreads, a lightly trimmed goatee, beautiful dark chocolate complexion, and his swag was out of control. Wearing a red and black true religion fit with red and black retro jordans dude was sexy as hell.
“Whatever!” I said rolling my eyes and walking past his sexy ass.
“Hey Mama I’m almost done this little diva’s head and then I’ll be ready for you!” my hairdresser said with a smile.
“Alright take ya time.” I said pulling out my phone texting Shante.
“You're done pretty girl!” my hairdresser said to the little girl whose hair she was doing. When she turned the chair around a beautiful wide eyed little girl stared back at me.
“Your hair is so pretty just like you.” I said smiling at the beautiful girl.
“Thank you! You're pretty too.” The little girl said.
“Yes you are!” someone said from behind me. When I turned around it was that sexy thug smiling back at me. Ignoring his ass I continued to talk to the little girl, I mean what the hell was he still doing there anyways.
“Thank you baby girl where’s your mommy at so she can see your hair?” I asked looking around.
“My mommy died.” the little girl said sadly.
“I'm so sorry to hear that.” I said feeling horrible. This girl looked to be nine I couldn't imagine missing out on Zahniyah’s childhood, It's very sad when a child so young has to bury her mother.
“ I was a baby when she died I have my daddy though!” she said as her eyes lit up as she looked at her father the sexy stranger.
“Your daughter is beautiful and i'm sorry to hear about her mother.” I said sincerely.
“Thank you she passed a couple months after Chanelle was born and it's just been me and her ever since.” he said sounding so sad and lost. He looked so confident but at the mere mention of his daughter’s mother you could see the pain.
“Look I apologize for how rude I was before I have a lot going on and I guess I took it out on you.”
“It's cool with ya mean ass.” he said laughing causing me to laugh.
“Get her number daddy.” his daughter said trying to whisper.
“Maybe you should take my number we can hang out sometime.” I said pulling out my phone. Honestly as fine as he is if it wasn't for his adorable daughter I wouldn't be giving him my number right now. After exchanging numbers we just stared at each other for a minute I swear it was something about this man that just screamed swag and I couldn't keep my eyes off of him.
“Well this is awkward…..” his daughter said causing us to laugh
“Come on Chanelle lets go.” the stranger said grabbing the girls hand and walking out of the shop.
“That's so sad.” my hairdresser said.
“How long have you been doing his daughter's hair?”
“Girl since she was two and she’s nine.”
“Oh ok.” I said sitting in the chair so she can start my hair.
“Yeah girl he use to be big time in the drug game and a real hoe!” she said laughing.
“So he isn't anymore?”
“Girl you couldn't pay him to talk to these chickens that come in here.”
“Oh.” was all I said. We made small talk for the remainder of my appointment. After my hair was laid I headed to the mall to do a little shopping Walking around The King Of Prussia Mall I spotted a familiar face. Just when things were going half way decent it figures something would happen to fuck it up. I started to turn around and walk in the other direction but fuck it what am I hiding for. I held my head up high and proceeded to walk by the bitch that had fucked my life up to be honest she looked so bad I wasn't too sure that it was actually her.
“Shana?” she said before I could completely walk by.
“Hello Angel, how are you?” I asked even though I could care less.
“I've been better, Look I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you and Shante.” she said not even sounding sincere.
“Angel you are conniving, You're a liar and you're disloyal. Constantly I thought about what I would do if I ever saw you again, Would I bash your fucking head in, would I spit in ya face.
“Well fuck you too!” she said catching me off gaurd.
“No fuck you! I guess karma catching up to that ass you ain't looking to healthy sweety.” I said shaking my head.
“If I ain't healthy bitch neither is your husband, what you forgot we was sharing the same dick.” she said with a smirk.
“Ex husband, and trust me I'm healthy as hell best believe I got tested for everything under the sun after finding out he was fucking ya triffling ass.” I said before mushing the shit out of her, I wanted to be the bigger person but fuck that she had me ready to beat the brakes off her ass.
“Who the fuck is this?” a dude looking just as sick as Angel asked.
“Oh babe this my sister I was telling you about, the one that think she better than everybody.”
“And who the hell are you?” I asked. He looked so familiar I tried to put a name to his face or remember where I saw him at but it would re
gister.
“Oh this the sister huh.” He asked laughing. I was about to walk away when it finally clicked who the fuck he was, he was the dude Quesha was fucking with.
“Angel can I talk to you alone!” I said grabbing her arm.
“Don't put you're fucking hands on me, not after all the shit you was just talking.”
“Can you just shut the fuck up and listen!” I snapped.
“Let’s go!” the dude screamed causing Angel to jump. She didn't even think twice before rushing over to the dude. I tried to tell her, but I can't keep continuing to go out of my way for people who wouldnt do the same for me, all I can do is pray for her.
