When Our Worlds Stand Still

by Lindsey Iler

“Do you know which performance is my favorite?” I set my mug down at the same time she does. “Your first.” Across the table, I grip her hands in mine. “Your first performance is my favorite.”

  “Why?”

  “You looked nervous. You do this cute thing when you’re unsure of something.” She smiles because she knows what I’m referring to. “You scan the crowd, looking for validation or acceptance or whatever it is you seek.” Kennedy focuses on the rim of her cup. “The thing is, you always have it the second you step on the stage. You don’t realize your own worth sometimes, Kennedy.”

  “How did you become so sweet?” She searches my side of the table. Her eyes glisten.

  “A girl once told me she knew exactly who she believed me to be, and today, I realize she’s right.”

  For so long, I’ve blamed myself for things which were out of my control. It’s been easier than facing the reality of the situations we’re dealt. The only hurt resulting from my own actions is when I chose to take my hurt and anger out on Kennedy the night she was attacked. Did my actions create a situation where she felt she needed an escape? Absolutely. And maybe, they led her outside where the darkness swallowed her. What’s taken me a year to comprehend, is Craig set out to do what he did. If it hadn’t been that night, it would’ve been another.

  Kennedy does the courteous thing by ignoring my last comment, choosing not to dwell on who I used to think I was, and therefore accepting the guy in front of her now. She steals bites off my plate, and I eat the peas she’s pushed to the side.

  “Let’s head out before it gets too cold.” I throw a hundred-dollar bill on the table, waving to Rhonda.

  My hand rests on Kennedy’s lower back until I close the passenger door behind her. Through the glass, my eyes fall over the way she smiles at me. I pray she’ll continue to recognize the person she saw all that time ago.

  After a quick, cold walk through Central Park, we head back to the apartment. Violet has texted, saying a present with a golden bow on the top has been dropped off at the apartment. Graham looks perplexed and annoyed that I’ve received a present he didn’t send.

  When I push open the door, warm arms wrap around me. The intruder is so quick, I don’t see who the strong arms belong to. My feet leave the ground and swing back and forth.

  “Hey, Sis,” my brother whispers in my ear.

  “What are you doing here, Will?” When he sets me down, I smack his arm.

  “You must be Graham.” My brother extends his hand, and Graham gladly shakes it.

  “You must be the infamous brother she’s always yammering on about.” Graham mimics his introduction.

  “The one and only. Come on in.” My brother laughs. Will walks into my apartment like he owns the place. His confidence knows no bounds.

  “I don’t yammer.” For only Graham, I roll my eyes. “And I will come in, since it’s my apartment, Will. You going to explain why you’re here?”

  “I have an interview first thing Monday morning. Your big bro’s about to graduate.” He shouts a loud howl.

  “And here Mom and Dad thought you’d never amount to anything.” I tap him on the chest two times.

  “Not everyone can be a talented genius like you.” He blows me a kiss. “Now, how are you going to entertain me tonight?”

  “Graham came all this way, Will. I mean …”

  “No, it’s fine, Kennedy. You see me more than you see him.” Graham squeezes my side.

  “Are you sure?” I look up to him, secretly hoping he puts up a fight.

  “Of course, he’s sure.” Will slaps Graham on the shoulder. “Now, since you’re youngsters, and Mom and Dad will kill me if they know I stocked your liquor cabinet, I suppose there’s only one thing we can do that doesn’t involve staying in the apartment.”

  Amanda looks to Violet for clarification, then turns her eyes to my brother’s ass. Graham shrugs his shoulders.

  “Bowling.” His eyes shift around the room, landing on each of our faces.

  “Looks like we’re going bowling, ladies.” Graham answers for all of us.

  “I better dust off my balls,” Amanda shouts, standing from the couch. She brushes her hands off like they’re covered with dirt.

  “I’ve got a ball you can dust off,” Will jabs, poking her in the side when she passes.

  A flirtatious smile slips onto her face. A smile I don’t appreciate. I point to Amanda’s bedroom like I’m her parent trying to discipline her.

  “Oh no, none of that.” With a glare, I silently chastise my brother for flirting with one of my best friends.

  He grins as Amanda bounces out of her room, a low-cut top showcasing her large chest.

  “Try to relax. What’s the worst that can happen?” Graham whispers in my ear, guiding me out the door to Violet and Amanda’s chatter behind me.

  Graham opens the passenger door for me. My brother pretends to cough, but I hear him say ‘pussy’ behind us. Graham turns to Will with a grin and shrugs his shoulders as he rounds the car. Violet gestures for Amanda and Will to follow her to her SUV, and I thank her with a simple look. She nods once, knowing very well I can’t listen to Will attempting to impress Amanda. Not that it would take much. She’s easily wowed. Not one of her more endearing qualities.

  The bowling alley is bright lights and a bustle of people searching for a ball not too heavy, but not too light. Graham reserves our lanes while the rest of us journey to find our own. This garners more jokes than you can possibly imagine. A particular one I don’t appreciate comes from Amanda and is geared toward my more-than-willing brother.

  Will makes sure to include everyone in the conversation about minor moments in our lives. He’s always been good at making everyone welcome. Maybe a little too welcome, I think, when I witness his hand slide between Amanda’s knees.

  When Amanda stands to take her turn, Will shifts to the seat next to mine.

  “So, what’s going on, Sis?” His eyes travel to where Graham and Violet are in the middle of a heated debate over the rules and regulations.

  “I’m dealing with things, one day at a time.” I laugh at their mini-outburst.

  “I suppose Jackie’s words have been rubbing off on you.”

  “If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that it’s hard not to move on when you have something to look forward to.” My attention shifts to Graham in the bank of chairs across from us. His smile widens when he notices my gaze focused on his side of the lane. If I could have an out of body experience, I know what I would witness. A girl in love.

  “When Mom and Dad first told me about him, I gotta be honest, I wasn’t thrilled,” he explains. Will’s eyes bounce between Graham and me.

  “And why’s that?”

  “He’s me. I’m him. Guys like us are cut from the same cloth. We don’t take relationships seriously, and we take the girls we sleep with even less.”

  “Graham’s not like that.”

  “Anymore. He’s not like that anymore.” He grabs my knee and gives it a shake. “But it seems I’ve been wrong about him. Sometimes, all it takes is a good girl to dust us off and scrub out all the stains of our past.”

  A giggle escapes my lips. “You think there’s a girl out there with enough elbow grease to clean you up?” I joke, missing the easy banter the two of us have always been capable of.

  His eyes take the slow ride to Amanda. She holds the ball to her chest, and with every step she takes, Will’s stare moves with her. When she pulls her arm back, it breaks the spell he’s under, and he turns back to me.

  “Maybe.”

  Even though Will’s reputation is much like Graham’s, he wasn’t an athlete in high school. He doesn’t have the patience or the heart. Everyone knows how hard the football coach begged and pleaded for him to play, but he’s always said he had better things to do. Turns out, the better things had blonde hair and long legs.

  “How’s everything else going? Support group still helping?” Will takes a serious conversation turn.

&n
bsp; “The support group’s been helping, and Jackie calls once a week, just to catch up and let me talk.”

  “I’ve never said it, but I’m sorry I wasn’t there more.” Mid-sentence, his voice breaks. He looks to the ground, furiously wiping at the corners of his eyes.

  “I understand why you couldn’t, Will, and it’s okay. Traveling across the country is expensive.” The reminder of Will not coming home after the attack and during the trial stings even after all this time.

  When it’s Will’s turn, I’m thankful for the break in conversation. I cross the floor to sit beside Graham and lay my head on his shoulder. He presses his cheek against my crown and asks if everything’s okay. For once, I’m not sure how to answer.

  “Kennedy, you’re up,” Violet yells. It’s almost impossible to hear over the music.

  By the time we’ve played two games, everyone’s enthusiasm is wavering. Violet’s uncontrollable yawns force me into calling it for everyone.

  “Will, where are you staying?” I ask, handing my shoes to the guy behind the counter. Amanda bounces up next to him, and they smirk at each other. “Oh, no, no, no. You are not staying at the apartment, Will.”

  “I mean, it would only make sense. You’ll stay at the hotel with Graham, and Will can take your bed,” Amanda explains the obvious.

  I latch onto Will’s shirt, pulling him so close, our noses almost touch. “You better only be sleeping in my bed. You understand me?”

  “Yes, mother.” Will singsongs. “I’ll be on my best behavior. Cross my fingers, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.” He draws an imaginary X over his chest.

  When we were young, this is what we would say to each other when we made a promise. Will neglects to remember he always broke his promises.

  “Slumber party!” Violet bounces up and down, throws her arm over Will’s shoulder, and draws him in close.

  I yank Violet off him and drag her toward the front entrance. Graham follows close behind.

  “Vi, I swear to all things holy, if you let them fuck, I’m going to kill you.”

  Amanda’s arm links through Will’s as he whispers something to her. Irritated, a loud groan escapes me as I push open the door and step onto the sidewalk.

  “What do you want her to do, Ken? Handcuff Amanda to her bed?” Graham whispers behind us.

  “I thought I told you not to tell anyone about the handcuffs?” Violet stops in front of me. “Dan’s going to kill me.”

  Graham’s loud laughter makes me smirk. “It was a joke, but now that I know our Dan’s into kinky shit, I’ll be sure to make fun of him.” He grinds the knife deeper into Violet’s embarrassment.

  “Knock it off. No one cares about your BDSM phase.” I frown at my best friend. “What I’m worried about is Amanda corrupting my brother.”

  “Yeah, he really looks like he’s being coerced into something he doesn’t want to do.” Violet waves her hand behind her. Amanda sits in the front seat of her SUV with Will pushed up against her.

  I groan and pull on Graham’s sleeve, dragging him to his car. “We’ll see you in the morning,” I yell over my shoulder.

  “Which reminds me. Mark and Bea are going to come out of hiding. Breakfast at that tiny diner you love so much. Be there at nine.” Violet smiles.

  “Text Mark and tell him ten. I plan on keeping Kennedy up all night,” Graham states.

  “I heard that,” Will yells.

  “And I’m sure Will plans to keep Amanda up all night, too, so ten it is.” Violet’s voice is loud enough, I’m sure my brother heard her. “I’ll just cozy up in bed alone and give myself a good time. No one worry about me,” she mumbles, heading to her car.

  *****

  Tucked in the back corner booth of the diner, Graham and I find our friends. After receiving threatening texts from Mark this morning, we arrive promptly at ten. When I stride up, Will is beside Amanda, his arm draped on the booth behind her. I glance at Violet, discreetly motion to them, and she shrugs.

  “She wouldn’t allow me to handcuff her. I’m sorry. I tried my hardest,” Violet whispers when I slide in beside her. Her loud snicker forces me to send a warning glare, telling her to shut up.

  I tuck the news of what I assume happened last night into the deepest, darkest section of my mind. The new information will stay there for eternity, never to experience the light of day, if I have a say in the situation.

  “Nice of you to join us, Mark. Bea.” I address the blissfully happy couple.

  “I’m surprised the two of you came out of the hotel.” Mark smirks at us.

  Hidden under the table, Graham’s hand slides up my thigh. A small shudder courses up my spine from the contact, something I’ll never get used to.

  Will holds up his hand. “Before you say anything, please don’t. I’m right here, and I don’t want to hear about you two doing … doing whatever the hell it is you do.”

  “Tell Amanda to get her hand off your dick then,” I whisper yell. My body leans forward to chastise my big brother. My eyes dart to where Amanda’s hand slowly retreats from his lap. “I’m right here. It’s one thing to do it behind a closed door, but I’m literally sitting across from you.”

  Violet, Mark, and Bea break out into hysterics. Graham grips at his stomach, and then quickly straightens his back. He mouths ‘sorry’ and flashes me a mind-numbing grin. I melt into his side. I glance up to Amanda’s sympathetic smile.

  “Ken.” Her strong voice echoes in my ears.

  “I don’t need an explanation. You both are grown-ass adults. Do what you will.” I wave her off, but I have a hard time looking directly in her eyes, afraid of what I’ll find.

  On one hand, she could actually like my brother. And, on the other, she could just want to get in his pants. I’m not exactly sure which is worse.

  A bouncy blonde waltzes over and proceeds to take our drink and food orders. Our chatter turns to the usual catching up on everyone’s whereabouts. Turns out Bea and Mark have spent the entire weekend watching movies and lounging in pajamas. The smile on her face makes it impossible to look away from her. She glows with a radiance you can’t ignore. Mark’s eyes never leave hers when she recalls, through a fit of laughter, a movie they’d seen.

  I’m the last to finish eating, and Graham grins at me.

  “You know you didn’t have to eat so slow?” he whispers in my ear. With his hand out, he helps me from the booth.

  Outside, Violet and Amanda give Graham a quick hug and jump into the black SUV. Will offers Graham a bro-hug and follows after the girls. My goodbye isn’t as simple. I kick at the small pebbles along the curb, focusing on the largest of them. My eyes are distracted watching Bea and Mark in their own desperate goodbye.

  Graham’s hand cups my chin, forcing my eyes to his. “It will only be a few weeks, and we’ll be together again.”

  “You’re right.” I nod, wrapping my arms around his waist. My cheek lays against his chest. His hands wrap tight through my hair. “I love you,” I whisper.

  His hold on me tightens, and I hear him sigh in relief. Neither of us has spoken those three small words yet. Even when we hang up the phone, we always leave a long pause where they go. I’m not sure why this is the moment they pop out of my mouth, but it’s right.

  “I love you, too, Kennedy.” A sliver of a smile appears when he skims his lips over mine.

  My fingers trace through his hair, keeping him close for far too long on this public street. A loud honk startles me, and I jump.

  “I better go.” Graham nods at his car.

  After another quick goodbye, I send Graham on the path back to Connecticut. Tucked away in the car, Will wraps his arm around me and I rest my head on his shoulder. Through the front window, Graham’s taillights disappear within the traffic.

  “Come on, Sis. Quit sulking.” He rubs the lines on my forehead, pretending to wipe away my frown lines. He lets out an over-exasperated yelp when my hand connects with his.

  The ride back to the apartment is silent
. Every few blocks, Violet, always the attentive one, glances in the rearview mirror to check on me. I give her a few doleful smiles, then turn my attention to the passing buildings until we get home.

  Amanda and Will plop down on the couch, and Violet answers a call and rushes to her bedroom to talk.

  “I’m going to go lay down,” I say, but don’t wait for a half-ass beg not to pout alone in my bedroom.

  Snuggled up to the old, blue teddy bear Mom gave me for my fifth birthday, I rest my head on the pillow. My mind goes blank as I stare at the framed photo of Graham and me. It’s the same one he has in his room. After many demands, he finally had a copy made. I remember patiently waiting for it to arrive in the mail. Amanda ragged on me for a few days, saying I shouldn’t be this excited over a damn picture, but she doesn’t know what the picture means to me. To us.

  Something about a photo taken without the subject’s knowledge is magical. As if it’s the only way to freeze a certain moment, and in this instance, prom night. Even with the disaster, I wouldn’t change anything leading us onto the dance floor to share one good memory of our Senior year.

  My teddy bear and I sit straight up when a loud knock sounds on my door. “Come in,” I shout.

  Violet’s red locks poke through the small crack when she pushes on the door. “Hey, you got a minute?” She glances back to the living room, and shuts the door quietly behind her.

  “What’s going on?” I pat the mattress and she sits beside me.

  “I know you have a lot going on. You and Graham are finally back together, and everything is good, but I’ve–”

  “You’re right. My life is slowly getting back to normal. Well, as normal as it can get. I still have nightmares, but they’ve stalled a bit, you know?” I ramble, my hands flinging around in the air with my excitement of my hopefully luminous future. “Did you know Graham’s been talking to a few scouts for baseball? Like pro baseball?”

  Violet’s voice is a near whisper as she stares out the window. “Yeah, you told me last week.”

  “It’s crazy. It’s like all the turmoil and stress is finally turning around for the both of us.” I bounce up and down.