Here Without You

by Jennifer L. Allen

  I relaxed into his hold, feeling safe and at home cradled in his warmth…and then I cried.

  “It’s okay,” he said, rubbing my back with one hand, just like Ryan had. “Everything is going to be okay.”

  For the first time since I’d seen Ryan on the streets of Seattle, I believed everything really would be okay.

  In the background, I could just barely hear my mother thanking Ryan for bringing me home.

  “What is going on out there?” Ronnie’s voice echoed in the front hall.

  I pulled away from my dad and turned to my sister. She looked the same, maybe a little more mature, but still as gorgeous as ever. She had a different chair, which made sense since I doubted they lasted that long. This one looked fancier, and had cream colored vinyl with rose gold accents. Only the trendiest for my big sis. I was glad that hadn’t changed.

  “Anna?” Her mouth dropped and her face paled, as though she was looking at a ghost. In many ways, she was. I was a ghost of the person I had been years ago.

  “Hey, Ronnie.”

  “You look like shit.”

  “Veronica!” Mom scolded, but I just laughed.

  “It’s good to see you, too.” I dropped down to my knees, leaned across her legs, and hugged her. She held me back, squeezing a little too hard, but I’d never tell her.

  “I missed you,” she whispered. “I’m so glad you’re home.”

  ~ 4 ~

  Anna

  “I didn’t think mom was ever going to let you go,” Ronnie said as I laid beside her on her bed later that night.

  “I didn’t mind.” It had been so long since I’d been hugged and doted on and loved that if my mother had asked me to sleep in her bed that night, in between her and my dad like I’d done as a child, I would have dove right between them.

  “You’re here to stay, right?”

  “I think so.”

  “It will kill Mom and Dad if you take off again,” she said, her voice firm and her words blunt. So very Ronnie.

  “I want to stay,” I told her truthfully.

  “Good, because I missed my sister.”

  “I missed you, too.” I rolled onto my side and grinned at her. It felt good to smile again. It felt great to be here with her like this.

  My eyes scanned Ronnie. She looked good, real good. The years had been much kinder to her than they had to been to me. Of course, she was at home with a family who loved her, and she was taking care of herself. I’d been in the exact opposite position. All alone and broke, eating ramen noodles and drinking tap water. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten a vegetable.

  “So you’ve been in Seattle all this time?” Ryan had shared with my family how he stumbled upon me. My mom nearly swooned, talking about fate and making Ryan and me both extremely uncomfortable. Was it fate that put Ryan and me on the same street at the same time? I didn’t know. But if there was a force working for us that day, I appreciated it.

  “I wandered around a little bit before ending up there.”

  “Any exciting adventures?” Ronnie asked, nestling into her pillow.

  “Not a one.”

  “How did you end up in Seattle of all places? Couldn’t get far enough away?” She joked, but her words were close to the truth. I had set out for the west coast to get as far away from Lakeside as I could.

  “I took the train to Chicago and stayed there for a few months, then I hit Denver. I guess I didn’t find what I was looking for in those places, so I kept heading west. Eventually I ended up in Seattle. I was out of money so I needed to find work. I just ended up staying there.”

  Ronnie scrunched up her nose. “Wasn’t it cold? I think of those cities, and I think wind, snow, and rain.”

  “That was the appeal,” I admitted.

  “Cold, crappy weather?”

  I nodded, then said, “I wanted to be numb. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore.”

  Ronnie tugged on my arm, pulling my upper body over to her—the girl was strong!—and hugged me. I let her be the big sister and rested my head on her shoulder. I really, really missed her.

  “I’m so sorry you felt that way.” She began, and I started to tell her it wasn’t her fault, but she stopped me. “It’s honest time, okay?” She waited until I nodded, then continued. “I’m sorry about our fight,” she said, referring to the argument we’d had the night I got sent to Three Lakes.

  “It’s not your fault, Ronnie. You were only speaking the truth, I just didn’t want to hear it. I was messed up…I still am. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did,” I insisted, thinking back to that night.

  “You need to get your shit together.”

  I rolled my eyes, not in the mood for Ronnie’s shit.

  “Don’t roll your eyes at me, Anna. What you did to Ryan…that was bullshit. You know it, too, otherwise you wouldn’t have been in here crying your eyes out ever since he left.”

  “What the hell do you know?” I snapped, hating that she knew I’d been crying. I stomped over to the mirror on my closet door. Taking in my reflection, I scowled. If my damp cheeks weren’t enough of an indication, the puffy, red eyes gave it away.

  “I know that you’re miserable. You’ve been miserable for months. You’re pushing everyone away from you, including Ryan. Mom and Dad are beside themselves, and Ryan…I’ve never seen him like that before,” she finished in a quiet voice.

  I looked at my sister, still as beautiful and put together as she was the day we went dress shopping. The bullet might have caused enough damage to her thoracic nerves to result in paralysis, but it sure didn’t break her spirit.

  Ronnie was a fighter.

  She was kind, determined, and inspirational.

  She was everything I wasn’t.

  “He was devastated, Anna.”

  I looked away, as if not seeing her would stop me from hearing her words.

  “I get it, Anna. Ryan gets it, too. What happened to you—to us—was horrible…horrific. No one expects you to let it go, but you can’t just stop living. You’ve done nothing the past six months but sit in your room and stare out that damn window. You need to get help—”

  I shot my sister a glare as I laid down on my bed. “I’m not talking to a damn shrink again. That woman was crazier than I am.”

  “You can see another therapist, Anna,” she said, rolling over to me. “Maybe Dr. Peters? She’s been wonderful for me.”

  “No.” I said the word with finality, but Ronnie ignored me.

  “Yes. This is ridiculous,” she slapped her hands against her lifeless legs, the sound causing me to startle. “Ryan’s not going to wait forever for you to get your shit together. He already has the patience of a saint.”

  “I don’t want him to wait,” I argued, resting my head on my pillow and turning away from her.

  “So what? You want him to meet another girl? Someone who will fall in love with his big biceps and rock hard abs…someone who will get to see him look all sexy in his uniform? Then he’ll fall in love with her, too. They’ll get married and have babies, and you’ll be nothing but a memory,” Ronnie said. I could hear her sneer. “A bad one. Because all he’ll think of when he thinks of you is how you threw him away like a piece of trash even though he put his life on hold for you, over and over—”

  “Shut up!” I screamed, sitting straight up and pulling my knees into my chest. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” I pulled at my hair, rocking back and forth, as tears streamed down my face, screaming those two words over and over again.

  I was vaguely aware of my sister rolling away from my bed, calling for my mom.

  I heard my parents’ voices, but they sounded so far away.

  Ronnie apologized, “I’m so sorry, Anna,” over and over again.

  Then everything went black.

  “Ever since the shooting, I’ve felt so incredibly guilty,” Ronnie whispered, bringing me back to the present.

  “Why?” I asked, wondering if I’d missed something while I was lost in my mem
ory. “You didn’t pull the trigger. You got shot, for crying out loud.”

  “I know, that’s not why I felt guilty,” she paused, and I heard a sniffle. “I felt guilty because I bounced back. I thought that maybe there was something wrong with me, you know? Why wasn’t I as messed up about it as you were? I was the one who was shot. I worried that maybe you were holding the weight for both of us, and I felt so horrible about that.”

  I picked up my head and looked her in the eyes. “You know that’s not how it was.”

  She nodded and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I know that now. My therapist helped me understand how people can respond to the same situation differently. She reminded me that while I may have gotten injured physically, you…you saw stuff…that probably affected you emotionally.”

  The barista. Blood spatter. Tears. More gun shots. Glass breaking.

  “I see her every time I close my eyes. Every time,” I confessed, my eyes welling up. It was the first time I’d said the words aloud, and the next breath I took felt lighter, like a small weight was lifted off my chest.

  “You should to talk to someone,” Ronnie suggested quietly.

  “I know.”

  “I bet Dr. Matson will still see you…the one that got away,” she added wistfully.

  I laughed. God, I missed Ronnie and her weird sense of humor.

  “I did like her,” I said, thinking fondly of the doctor I’d seen when I’d spent a few months at an adolescent treatment facility after having a breakdown that night with Ronnie. “But I’m twenty-two now. She might not see me since I’m not an adolescent.”

  “Oh, pish posh. She’ll see you,” she said. I could hear the smile in her voice. She was always happiest when she was getting things done and making plans. “We’ll have Mom make you an appointment with Dr. Matson tomorrow.”

  “We?”

  She nudged my head with her shoulder, making it bounce. I giggled, the sound foreign to my ears. “Yes, ‘we.’ You’re not alone anymore, Anna.”

  Something warm and fuzzy settled over me at her statement. I wasn’t alone anymore. The idea of being part of something again—a family—made me feel like I could do anything.

  “So tell me about Ryan,” Ronnie asked, breaking the heavy moment with her suggestive tone.

  “There’s nothing to tell.”

  “Oh, come on. There’s got to be something; he swooped in and saved you like a white knight. Any old feelings still there?”

  “It’s been a long time, Ronnie. I’m sure he’s moved on by now,” I said, ignoring her question and the tingles that spread throughout my body.

  Did I still have feelings for Ryan? I was sure I always would. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first love, first…everything. He’d always hold a special place in my heart. But I wasn’t sure if I still had feelings for him.

  “That wasn’t what I asked.” She was so persistent.

  “I’ll always love him because our time together was so special, but what we had is broken. I broke it.”

  “Don’t sell yourself short. He called here all the time when you were gone, checking to see if we’d heard from you. If we did hear from you, he asked what you said.”

  “He told me,” I said, remembering our conversation at the hotel.

  “I think he still cares,” Ronnie yawned.

  I had no doubt that Ryan still cared. He wouldn’t have dropped his plans—important ones, at that—and brought me home if he didn’t care. But everything was different now.

  “It doesn’t matter. I need to focus on getting my head straight. I can’t get involved with anyone.”

  “That’s very mature of you,” Ronnie agreed.

  “So what about you? Any guys catching my big sister’s interest lately?”

  Ronnie’s high school boyfriend, Derek, had dumped her when he realized her wheelchair wouldn’t fit into their golden couple image. He was a douche with a capital D. Ronnie was all torn up about it at the time, but it’s been a while, and she may have found someone new. I had so much to catch up on.

  “Oh! There’s this guy in my abnormal psych class who is so hot,” Ronnie said excitedly. She proceeded to tell me all about Dave from class, and what a sweet and funny guy he was.

  Closing my eyes, I listened to her go on and on about Dave. I was happy for my sister, but I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering to the guy with eyes the color of the midnight sky.

  Did he still have feelings for me?

  Did he love me?

  Would I ever be able to right the wrong I’d done to him?

  Only time would tell.

  ~ 5 ~

  Ryan

  Getting to be part of Anna’s reunion with her family was a gratifying experience and not because I’d helped facilitate it. Seeing the joy on the faces of four people who’d been so hurt was something I’d never forget.

  Though I’d kept in touch with the Romano family, I hadn’t been inside the house since the day Anna had thrown me out and broken my heart.

  “Is today a good day or a bad day?” I quietly asked Mrs. Romano as we stood outside Anna’s bedroom door. Six months had passed since the shooting, and Anna grew more and more withdrawn every day. There were days when I visited that she didn’t speak at all. Those days were increasing in frequency.

  “Every day is a bad day, Ryan,” Anna’s mom sighed. The past six months had aged her. She looked exhausted, and I knew she and Mr. Romano were at a loss for what to do. Anna refused to go to therapy…she refused to talk to anyone, including me.

  “I have to leave,” I told her, choking on the agony of leaving Anna and moving on with my life without her. We were supposed to take this step together. Separate, but together. It was why I’d waited a year after I graduated high school to enlist. We were supposed to leave Lakeside together, then reunite wherever I was after she finished college.

  Best laid plans…

  “I know you do, sweetie.” Mrs. Romano gave me a sympathetic smile and patted my arm. “I’ll give the two of you some time.”

  I watched her retreating back as she went down the stairs, her shoes making light clicks as they met each step. I was going to miss the Romanos. They’d been like a second family to me, especially since my parents were constantly out of town traveling for work.

  Once Mrs. Romano was out of sight, I pushed open Anna’s bedroom door. She sat on the window seat like she did every day, staring out at nothing. It used to be her favorite place, but I wasn’t sure what it was for her anymore since she didn’t seem to experience any pleasure these days.

  I approached her quietly, but the sudden stiffness in her posture let me know she was aware of my presence. She could feel me the way I felt her. I never needed to touch her to know she was near. We were always that connected, since the moment we met in art class on my first day at Lakeside High. It reassured me that even though we were as far apart as two people could be while in the same room together, we were still close.

  I pressed a kiss onto the top of her head, running a hand through her long, soft hair. She didn’t exactly welcome the action, but she didn’t flinch either. I crouched down beside her, giving her the higher position in case she felt she needed it. I didn’t know what she needed anymore, and it gutted me. I hated not being able to support her; it made me feel like less of a man, even though I wasn’t yet nineteen.

  “Hey, baby,” I greeted her. No reaction. “Can you look at me, Anna?” My voice was soft and pleading, but, again, it had no effect. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” I said finally.

  Anna said nothing. She still didn’t move. She just kept looking out that window, as if lost in her own little world. I was worried sick about her, and as much as I wanted to stay by her side and try to push her to get better, I couldn’t put off my future any longer.

  “I don’t know what to do here, A,” I said, using the nickname I had for her, hoping for a reaction.

  I finally got one.

  Turning her head slowly, she looked me in the eyes for the
first time in months. I didn’t like what I saw. She looked empty, like she was completely dead inside. Those eyes that used to spark with life were glazed over, as if she were high. I’d consider that a possibility if not for the fact that she never, ever left her room and didn’t have any visitors. Her family would never slip her anything, either, and I knew for a fact that they started locking up all the medicine in the house at the suggestion of Anna’s counselor—the counselor she spent all of twenty minutes with before calling bullshit and never returning. No, Anna’s problems were all inside her mind.

  “Just go,” she whispered coolly, her voice emotionless.

  My eyes widened, and I reached a hand up to touch her face, but she turned back towards the window before I made contact. I dropped my hand as disappointment rushed over me like a tidal wave. I felt like I was drowning…I couldn’t breathe.

  Looking down at her royal blue carpet, I spoke softly, letting it all out one last time. “I love you, Anna. I want you to be better. I hate that I can’t fix this for you. I hate that no one can. I wish there was something we could have done differently that day. I miss you. I know that’s so fucking selfish of me, but I miss you. I miss the way things were. I wish we could go back…” I trailed off, doubting she was even listening to me. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  This was a moment we should have been celebrating. It was supposed to be the first day of the rest of our lives, the day we started our dreams. She was supposed to be leaving for art school in San Diego, and I was entering the Navy. We’d say goodbye, and it would suck, but we’d do it with the promise of seeing each other again soon, as better versions of ourselves. Instead, I was sad, missing my girlfriend of three years who was sitting right in front of me. She was the love of my life, and she was breaking my heart.

  “Go,” she said again, her voice more firm than I’d heard in weeks.