If I Loved You Less

by Noelle Adams

  “Because I’m an idiot and he’s... he’s not ready to trust me.” She shrugged, trying to sound like she’d accepted the reality when she hadn’t. “I should have known it from the beginning.”

  “Are you sure it’s hopeless?”

  “I’m pretty sure.” She turned and stared at the wedding dress. “It doesn’t really matter. I could never have...” She reached and traced the delicate fabric of the dress with her fingertips.

  “You know I’m not convinced that’s true.”

  “You know I can’t leave my dad.”

  “I know. But that doesn’t mean it’s totally hopeless.”

  “It is if Ward can’t trust me. That’s not something I can just let slide.”

  “No. You’re right about that.”

  “The most ridiculous thing is that I realized last night that I loved him. I was talking to... someone. And the conversation made it clear that Ward isn’t really mine. And I suddenly knew that I’m in love with him. I didn’t know it before.” She shook her head, relieved to at least have someone to talk about it with. “But that life isn’t for me.”

  “What life?”

  “Love. Living in love with someone. Sharing my life with someone. I want it. I’ve always wanted it. I pretended I didn’t—that I was fine without it—but I do want it after all. And I guess I have to accept that it’s not for—”

  “Stop it!” Anne interrupted sharply. “Stop it right now.”

  “Stop what?”

  “Stop talking like that. It’s not true. It’s just not true. Maybe things aren’t as hopeless as you think with Knightley. If you don’t tell him the truth, how will you ever know?”

  “But you know about my dad and—”

  “I know all that. People have romantic relationships and take care of their parents all the time. Why can’t you? And even if it doesn’t work out with Knightley, it doesn’t mean you can’t live in love. It doesn’t mean you can’t share your life with people who love you. What the hell is your whole Instagram account about if not just that? You’ve always believed it, so why can’t you believe it now?”

  Em stared. She didn’t understand.

  Anne continued, her brown eyes flashing and her voice breaking slightly. “I love you. Liz loves you. Jane loves you. You share your life with us. Your father loves you more than anything in the world. You share your life with him. What the hell kind of empty world do you think we live in where the only people who can live full lives are the ones who are lucky enough to find romantic love and are able to keep it? What kind of barren world would that be for the rest of us? Love is so much bigger than that. People are so much bigger. You already have love. You already share your life. You already have people who see how amazing you are, who want to be with you all the time and would do anything in the world to make you happy. And how dare you say that’s not good enough or that people can’t be happy having that? Love makes us fully human. Love. Full stop. Not coupling off. It’s what you’ve always known—you’re just too upset to remember the truth right now. You already live a full, complete life, and don’t ever listen to the lies that tell you that you don’t.”

  Tears had started streaming down Em’s face on the very first sentence of Anne’s outburst, and they kept coming as her friend continued. She choked out, “You’re right. You’re right. Oh my God, I’m never anything but stupid.”

  “No, you aren’t. You’re sometimes wrong. Just like the rest of us. Might as well just accept it.” Anne was smiling, although she was close to tears again too.

  Em turned back to look at her wedding dress, the image blurred through her tears.

  “Maybe you’ll get that. One day.” Anne’s voice was gentle now. “But it’s never going to be what makes your life complete.”

  Em nodded, wiping her face with her hands. “I don’t know what to do. I have absolutely no idea.”

  “Well, that’s not a bad place to start.”

  Ten

  A FEW HOURS LATER, Em decided what she needed to do.

  She walked across the grounds of Pemberley House until she reached Ward’s cottage. She knocked on the door.

  Her heart raced, and her hands shook, and she was washed with a cold wave of nerves. It had taken her a while to work herself up to this step, to realize that she needed to talk to Ward for real. Tell him how she felt, even knowing he probably didn’t feel the same way.

  It wasn’t in her nature to open herself up to being hurt this way, but it felt important for her to do this.

  Important to her, whether or not it led to anything good with Ward.

  When no one opened the door, she knocked again.

  Then again louder.

  Nothing.

  Ward evidently wasn’t even here, and she’d worked herself up to a frenzy of determination and emotion for nothing.

  She stood on the stoop, staring at the closed front door and trying to make her mind work. Trying to figure out what to do.

  Dramatic climaxes weren’t supposed to work this way. People were supposed to be in their proper places so other people could confess how much they loved them.

  She knocked one more time for good measure, but Ward always answered by the second knock. And he wasn’t going to be in there, hiding from her. There was no way he could be home.

  She turned around and took one step down the path that led back to Pemberley House.

  Maybe he was falling in love with Riot this very minute.

  She couldn’t even wrap her mind around that scenario, but Riot had been so sure that Ward was interested in her. Ward would never lead a girl on, never make her believe a romantic interest that didn’t exist. Ward was the last man in the world who would ever do such a thing.

  There must be something there.

  They had a date tonight evidently.

  He’d been Em’s—just two days ago. She’d had her hands all over him. He’d been moving inside her body. He’d looked at her with that soft, fond warmth that felt special, significant, meaningful. He’d been hers, if anyone had ever been hers.

  And she’d somehow lost him anyway.

  Her knees buckled. She sat down hard on the front stoop of his cottage, dropping her head down to her knees as her shoulders shook.

  Anne was right. She could have a full, happy life without a romantic partner. She didn’t need a husband to complete her life.

  But she wanted Ward just the same.

  And it was going to hurt her like an open wound to see that someone else had gotten him instead.

  She wasn’t sure how long she sat there. It couldn’t have been very long. She choked on barely repressed sobs as she tried to process how badly her heart was broken.

  “Em.”

  The word barely registered. Her head was lowered to her knees. Her eyes were tightly closed.

  “Em.” The same voice. Closer now. Male and urgent and slightly hoarse. “Fuck, Em, what’s the matter?”

  It finally pierced through the storm of pain in her brain. Ward.

  It was Ward. Right there beside her. Kneeling down and trying to lift her head so he could see her face.

  She lost it at the sight of his anxious expression. She burst into messy tears.

  “Damn it, Em, please tell me what’s the matter.” He was adjusting his position, trying to take her in his arms. It wasn’t exactly easy or comfortable, given their position on the concrete stoop, but Em went to him anyway, leaning against him and burying her face in his shirt.

  He smelled like effort and sunshine and crisp autumn air. Like Ward. The scent of him made her cry even more.

  “Em, please. Is it your dad? Is he okay?”

  Because Ward was obviously reaching crisis mode, she managed to control herself enough to choke out, “Dad’s fine. It’s... it’s nothing like that.”

  “Then what is it?” He drew back and tilted her head up so he could see her face.

  She didn’t want him to see it. She must look horrible with her nose running, her eyes swollen, and tear
s still streaming down her cheeks.

  But his eyes were so deep and sincere and urgent. He was so worried about her. She couldn’t let him think something worse had happened than a broken heart. “I... I... I just always mess everything up!” The declaration became almost a wail on the last two words.

  Ward made a rough sound in his throat. “No, you don’t.” He pulled her back into a tight embrace. “You don’t mess everything up. I know things got messy between us, but I promised you that you were never going to lose me, and I meant it. We’re going to work things out.”

  The words were balm to her damaged soul. She shook and sniffed and clung to him.

  He was still talking, the words mumbled just against her ear. “You’re not going to lose me. It’s okay if you don’t want to have sex with me anymore. It’s okay if you don’t love me. It’s okay, Em. We’re still going to be okay.”

  She was leaning into the intense affection she could sense in his tone and his touch, but eventually what he was actually saying broke through.

  It didn’t make sense.

  It didn’t fit the situation.

  Something strange was going on here.

  She pulled away from him reluctantly and straightened her back, swiping the wetness from her face with the back of both her hands. “What?” She blinked away the rest of her tears.

  Ward was straightening up too, still on his knees in front of her. He reached out to take her hands. “It’s going to be okay, Em. Things got messy when they weren’t supposed to, but you don’t have to be afraid of losing me.”

  “What?” It was a ridiculous thing to say. She was never so inarticulate. But nothing was making sense right now. She’d come here to spill out how much she loved him, and he was acting like she was here to let him down easy. “Wait, what?”

  He was holding both her hands very tightly. “You were right about me. About what I was doing. I wasn’t trusting you. I was expecting you to leave me. I was always holding back, trying to protect myself. And I know it’s too late. I know I blew it. I know that whatever chance I might have had with you is probably gone now.”

  She blinked as her heartbeat accelerated. Something was happening here. Something she never could have expected. Her lips parted slightly as she listened.

  “I know this isn’t the right time, after you ended things between us, but it was wrong of me not to offer you everything, just because I was so sure you’d never want it. So this is me. Right now. Right here. Offering you everything.”

  “What?” This time her voice was barely a breath.

  He let go of her right hand and reached into the pocket of his jeans, pulling out a velvet pouch. He opened it and pulled out a diamond ring with an engraved gold band. Pretty and vintage and sparkling in the fall sun.

  “What?” That was Em again. Naturally.

  Ward’s mouth twitched irrepressibly, but then his face sobered as he said, “I’ve known you all your life. I’ve loved you all your life. You’ve always been as close as family to me, but it’s only recently that I’ve realized I want you as more than that. I want you in my arms, in my bed, by my side for the rest of my life. And I know we’re broken up. I know it would probably have been too soon for this anyway. But it doesn’t feel too soon to me. I know I want everything from you, and I know I want to offer you everything. So that’s what I’m doing.”

  Em tried—really, truly tried—to say something else, something better, something more appropriate. But the only thing that came out of her mouth was another, “What?”

  Ward’s ardent expression shifted slightly into a frown. “You do get what I’m saying, right? I’m not any good at this. If I wasn’t so out-of-my-mind in love with you, I’d be able to say this better. But I want to give this ring to you. I want us to be together for real, in the eyes of the whole world. And I understand if you don’t want that. You’re still not going to lose me. But it wasn’t right for me to hold back on you, so I’m not going to do it again.”

  He dropped his eyes when she could only stare. His hand shook slightly as he started to put the ring back in the pouch.

  “No!” The objection burst out of Em as she grabbed for his hand. “Don’t put it away. I want it!”

  Ward sucked in a breath and raised his eyes. “You do?”

  “Yes! I do. I want it. I want everything. I want you.”

  “You do?” The expression in his eyes was transforming as she watched, shattering through his hesitance like a burst of light.

  It was her turn to frown. “Didn’t you hear me? I want the ring. Don’t put it up.”

  “You want...”

  “Everything. With you. Yes, I do.” Her voice wobbled. Her eyes burned. Her throat hurt. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so good in all her life. “I was here to tell you I loved you. I didn’t think you would care, but I was going to tell you anyway.”

  “You love me?” His grip tightened almost painfully on her left hand.

  “Yes. That’s why I want the ring. I thought that would have been obvious.”

  “Your loving me isn’t obvious at all. I can’t offer you very much. The Knightley name doesn’t mean anything anymore. We’ve lost Pemberley House. I don’t have a big house or an impressive job or any sort of real prospects. Just me. Loving you.”

  Tears were pooling in her eyes again as she leaned over to press a soft kiss against his mouth. “That’s all I want. You. Loving me. But I thought... I thought you had a date with Riot.”

  “What?”

  She almost giggled at his horrified expression. Nothing could have settled her insecurities more than that look on his face. “Riot told me that you two had a date tonight.”

  “A date? No way in hell. She’s been nagging me to help her prepare for an interview. It’s not a date by any stretch of the imagination. You really thought, after everything we’ve been to each other, I’d just go out and—”

  “I didn’t think so. It seemed so strange and wrong to me. But she said it was a date.”

  “It’s not. It wasn’t. I hope you think better of me than to think I’d ever—”

  “I think the world of you,” she murmured, interrupting both his words and his scowl. “No one thinks more of you than I do.”

  “Okay,” he grumbled, wincing as he moved off his knees to sit beside her on the stoop. He wrapped one arm around her and pulled her against him. “Then don’t ever let it cross your mind that I’d ever want to date Riot Berkley.”

  Em giggled and rubbed her face against his shirt.

  “So wait a minute. You thought I was moving on, and you still came over here to tell me you loved me?” His voice was almost awed.

  “Yes,” she admitted. “You weren’t the only one who was holding back. I was too. I made a lot of mistakes, and some of them were with you. I wanted to tell you the truth even if it never went anywhere.”

  He nuzzled her messy hair. “You have no idea what that means to me.”

  “I might have a little bit of an idea.” She was smiling as she nudged his arm. “Now are you planning to give me that ring or not?”

  He was smiling now too. His eyes were tender. He lifted her left hand and held the ring in place. “Will you marry me, Em?”

  She was laughing and sobbing both as she responded, “Yes, Ward Knightley. I will.”

  He was about to slide the ring on her finger when she suddenly remembered something important. She yanked her hand back before he could put the ring on. “Oh no! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.”

  “No?”

  “I can’t!” She covered her face with both hands as the reality caught up with him. “Oh God, Ward, I’ll love you forever, but I can’t... I can’t... oh God, my poor dad!”

  She was about to burst into tears when Ward gently pulled down her hands so he could meet her eyes. “Em, listen to me. We can work it out. You can have the life you want and still take care of your dad. You can.”

  “H-how?”

  He thought for a moment and then twined his fingers with
hers. “We can do as we’ve been doing for a while. You can come over to my place after your dad goes to bed.”

  “But... but...”

  “And then, after we get married, I can move in with you and your dad. You don’t have to leave him. You’re never going to have to leave him, Em. Not because of me.”

  Her eyes widened and started to burn again. “You’d... you’d do that?”

  “Of course I’d do that. I’d do anything to make you happy. Anything to give you a life that’s as complete as you’ve ever wanted. If you need to be with him, then I’ll be with him too.”

  Em was almost sobbing with relief. “Really? That would be okay?”

  “Yes, it will be okay.” He had both his arms around her now. He said into her ear, “Your place is much nicer than this little cottage anyway.”

  She burst into laughter and squeezed him hard.

  When he finally drew back, his face was soft and emotional. “Now can I please put the ring on your finger?”

  “Yes. Yes, please do.”

  Very slowly Ward lifted her left hand and slid the engagement ring into place.

  It looked perfect. Fit perfect.

  Was exactly what Em wanted.

  She couldn’t imagine ever being happier than she was right now, but then she suddenly realized something.

  “Oh God,” she moaned.

  “What is it?”

  “I’m going to have to break the news to Riot!”

  RIOT TOOK THE NEWS as well as could be expected—given her maturity level and nature. She burst into tears when she was told and avoided Em for a few days afterward. But she seemed to be over it a week later and was back to her normal self.

  Ward was relieved. He’d known that Riot didn’t have any real feelings for him, but there was no telling how long she might pout about not getting what she wanted, and he didn’t want Em to feel like she’d betrayed the girl.

  Em’s father had taken the news better than either of them had hoped for. As soon as he’d been assured that she wasn’t going to move out, he’d been pleased with the new development. In fact, he seemed to like the idea of having another person in the home to take care of him.