Polar Distress

by Sheila Grau

  Unlike the others, I already knew that Dr. Pravus had broken into the Great Library and stolen The Top Secret Book of Minions—Translated Edition. We’d stopped him from taking over the library and erased his memory of its location, but not before he’d passed the dangerous book to his henchman. The TSBM was believed to contain the secret instructions for creating an Undefeatable Minion.

  “As he mentioned, he’s currently training a minion so fierce it will put all others to shame. That minion, we believe, is the legendary Undefeatable Minion.”

  The five kids next to me gasped. Realizing I wasn’t supposed to know this already, I gasped too, a second later, which made everyone look at me like I was an idiot.

  “The only way to stop Pravus from taking over the minion business is to make our own Undefeatable Minion,” Professor Murphy went on. “Dr. Critchlore has the same information, but it’s coded in an ancient language that has been very difficult to decipher. This means that Pravus has a huge lead on us.”

  “What exactly is an Undefeatable Minion?” Janet asked.

  “They were first created accidentally hundreds of years ago, or so legend tells us. A freak convergence of random events gave birth to the most powerful, indestructible beasts ever known. They killed everything and destroyed entire cities. So devastating was their power that the knowledge of their creation was placed in a coded book, which was then hidden away.”

  “If they couldn’t be defeated, what happened to them?” Frieda asked.

  “We don’t know.” Professor Murphy said. “That’s why they are thought to be mythical.”

  “How does something become indestructible?” Jud asked.

  “We don’t know that, either. To re-create those random events, we think we need four things. The first one is a mineral, which Dr. Frankenhammer believes is the key ingredient for a potion of some kind. If we are to catch up with Dr. Pravus, we need to find that mineral.

  “Chances are, if it’s that vital, it won’t be for sale in the local mineral store. We’ll have to go out and find it ourselves, much as we do when we go on field trips to find the death flower that Dr. Frankenhammer uses for his zombie-repellent potion. Dr. Critchlore plans to assemble teams to search for the mineral.”

  Professor Murphy began pacing. “We’re using the Minion Games to evaluate every student here, to determine which minions will best be able to perform certain tasks.

  “You junior henchmen trainees are privileged to know this information, and it must remain secret.” He turned to me with an extra-hard stare. “To the rest of the student body, this year’s Minion Games are no different from any other year. A time for fun. But you junior henchman trainees will know that these games are the most important test the minions will ever face, because the fate of the school lies in the results. We expect you to do your best and, as future leaders, to get the best out of others.”

  Rufus and Jud fist-bumped. They loved the Minion Games, which they regularly dominated. The Minion Games highlighted monster skills, of which I had . . . none.

  “As you know,” Professor Murphy went on, “junior henchmen trainees are placed on teams with the minions they’re leading through the mentor program. For you third-years, this will be the first test of your skills as a leader. You’ve had a few months of training. Let’s see what you and your minions can do.

  “I shouldn’t have to tell you that this will factor into your final grade. While regular classes have been postponed, my evaluation will rest solely on your performance in the games. Those of you who are struggling”—he pointed to Rufus’s and my names on the board—“now have a chance to improve.”

  “But, sir?” I said. “I don’t have any minions to lead.”

  “Runt.” Professor Murphy sighed. “As I often say, one must learn to lead oneself successfully before leading others.”

  “So . . . that means?”

  “You need to stop relying on others to fix your problems.”

  I felt my face grow warm, and I slouched lower in my chair.

  When Professor Murphy dismissed us, I reached the door at the same time as Frieda, who looked as worried as I felt.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked her as we left the classroom. “You love the games.”

  “I do, but my ogre-men first-years don’t listen to me,” she said.

  “Because you’re a girl?” I asked.

  “No, because they’re ogre-men. They don’t listen to anybody.”

  Rufus turned around at this. “You need to be tough with them, Frieda. Scream at them, physically threaten them. You’re too nice. You have to rule by intimidation.”

  Frieda looked puzzled. I don’t think anyone had ever told her that she was too nice. She routinely sat on smaller kids, pretending she didn’t see them.

  “My mummies do what I say,” Rufus bragged. “Why? Because if they don’t, I’ll unwrap them.”

  “You can’t!” I said. That was a terrible threat.

  “Make ’em too scared to fail,” Rufus said, ignoring me. “That’s motivation.”

  We reached the castle foyer and everyone headed outside for free period, but I veered over to the dungeon stairs. Before heading down, I felt a hand on my arm.

  “Runt,” Janet said. She looked at the front door, which had just closed behind Rufus, then turned back to me. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving school for a couple weeks.”

  “Oh?” I said, unable to mask my disappointment. “Do you need someone to collect your homework?”

  “No, I’m fine,” she said. “I just wanted to tell you to be careful.”

  “Sure, okay,” I said.

  “No, you don’t understand.” She grabbed both of my arms, and my insides fluttered with happiness. Janet Desmarais was talking to me. Touching me. Where was that slow clock when you needed it? I didn’t want this moment to end.

  “You need to be really careful,” she said. “Rufus is so mad that you’re still in the Junior Henchmen Program. I don’t know why he hates you so much, but I’ve heard him joke about how accidents happen all the time, especially to weak little humans. I know he’s joking, but he also kind of isn’t—you know?”

  “Don’t worry,” I said. “I’ve gotten good at avoiding him. Have a great trip.”

  “Thanks,” she said. Then she hugged me and whispered in my ear, “Runt, you’re not who you think you are.”

  I gasped. Partly because of the electric thrill I felt from hearing those words, and partly because I’d just spotted Rufus coming back inside to look for Janet. And here I stood, hugging her. I think his canines grew two inches as he snarled at me.

  The Monoliths of Andirat are towering blocks of stone carved with huge faces. They are all that stand in the once proud capital of Andirat City.

  —ANDIRAT, A HISTORY

  I used to spend my free period with Syke. We’d walk around the grounds, pretending to spy on people. Or she’d try to convince me to sneak into secret places and then mock me when I wouldn’t, so I’d have to come up with something more fun to do, like a tree-climbing race, which she always won, even when she gave me a ten-minute head start.

  Unfortunately for me, that free time was another thing I’d lost. Now I faced my toughest teacher, in secret.

  Professor Zaida.

  Every free period I met her in Uncle Ludwig’s secret library, which was hidden below the regular library, so she could teach me about Andirat, a country that didn’t exist anymore, and how to be a prince, which was a ridiculous notion. Me? A prince? Whenever I took an online Minion Career Aptitude Test, I usually got something like “Dungeon Cleaner,” “Target Practice Dummy,” or “Blame This Guy.”

  But I was a prince, so I had to learn to act like one. My family, the Natherlys, had ruled Andirat, a country across the ocean, for two hundred peaceful years, up until eight years ago, when Andirat’s five generals revolted and took over. I was the only member of the royal family to escape alive.

  Before Andirat, my ancestors had ruled a country r
ight here on the Porvian Continent called Erudyten. It had been a peaceful and wealthy country until it was attacked by its jealous neighbors, forcing the ruling family to flee across the ocean. So that was twice in history my ancestors were defeated in battle and had their countries torn up. Not a good track record, if you ask me.

  I sat in front of a giant book about the fall of Erudyten, unable to stop thinking about Janet’s hug. Professor Zaida twice told me to get “that stupid smile” off my face and concentrate.

  “Your grandfather, Charles Natherly the third, was obsessed with reclaiming his ancestral homeland. Erudyten is now four countries—Riggen, Brix, Carkley, and Voran—which are ruled by four of the most oppressive evil overlords here on the Porvian Continent,” she said. “Your grandfather wanted to reunify Erudyten and free those people from their oppression.”

  “Huh? Oh, right. My grandfather. I called him Papa Chuck,” I said. “He read me bedtime stories and taught me how to spit.”

  She frowned at me. We both knew I didn’t remember my grandfather, or any of my relatives. I joked, but really I was sad that I had to learn about my family from a book, that they weren’t around for me to get to know them.

  “Runt,” she admonished. “This is important.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s just . . . Shouldn’t we be looking for the witch who cursed me? Why does it matter what my dead grandfather wanted? He’s gone. Erudyten is gone. It was destroyed two hundred years ago.”

  Professor Zaida was as obsessed with Erudyten as my late grandfather. She was a covert librarian of the Great Library, which had been built to save the books in Erudyten from being destroyed by the invading armies. Through the centuries the librarians have dedicated their lives to protecting those books.

  “Mistress Moira is searching for whoever cursed you. There’s nothing you and I can do that she can’t do better. My job is to prepare you for what comes next. You need to learn about leadership. Now—”

  She stopped abruptly as Uncle Ludwig passed by our table, muttering to himself, as usual. His life’s goal was to find the Great Library, the secret repository of all the world’s knowledge. He knew that an Archivist of the Great Library worked at Dr. Critchlore’s, and he was determined to find out who it was so he could find the library.

  I was sitting across from an Archivist, and she and I both knew exactly where the Great Library was located.

  “Why don’t you tell him?” I asked Professor Zaida as Uncle Ludwig disappeared with a handful of research papers. I knew that Professor Zaida was worried he couldn’t keep a secret, but she shouldn’t have worried about him—I was the one who couldn’t keep a secret. And I was supposed to be helping him. How was I supposed to keep pretending to look for it?

  “I cannot divulge anything about the Great Library.” She looked at me sternly. “And neither can you. Fortunately for you, we’re almost done moving it, so you have nothing to tell.”

  “That’s good. But I know Pravus’s henchman poisoned a bunch of your operatives. You must need more people. Why not him?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Are you still mad that he never thought you could be an Archivist?”

  “I’m used to people underestimating me, Runt,” she said, probably referring to the fact that she was a little person. “Now let’s get back to work. Your grandfather—and your father too—were disgusted by what the EOs had done to the beautiful homeland of their ancestors. His generals wanted to invade, starting with attacks on Fraze Coldheart in Riggen, the location of Erudyten’s former capital city, but your father was working on a diplomatic solution—”

  I shook my head. “Why do I need to know this?”

  “It’s your heritage,” she said. “Runt, you are the last in a line of great leaders. You must be ready to lead those who would follow you against the generals who overthrew your family.”

  “Nobody will follow me,” I said, laughing. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m kind of a joke around here. Everyone knows I spent my whole life thinking I was a werewolf. They know I’m an idiot.”

  “No, Runt,” she said. “You are a prince.”

  I sighed. “Tell that to Professor Murphy. Maybe then he’ll respect me.”

  “In other words, you’re not interested in earning his respect. You want it given to you for an achievement you had nothing to do with.”

  “Well, when you put it that way . . . yes.”

  “Runt, that’s no way to earn someone’s respect. It’s what you do that matters, not titles, or whom you know, or what you say about yourself. Prove that you are worthy of his respect.”

  That was an impossible task, but I was tired of trying to convince grown-ups that he hated me.

  “And we discussed this,” she said. “We’re keeping your identity a secret. For your protection.”

  “So I shouldn’t tell anyone?”

  “No!”

  Oops.

  I’d told Syke, and I was pretty sure that Janet knew too. Once, after she’d gotten my medallion back from the imp who’d stolen it, she told me that if I found out I was a missing prince, she hoped I would remember the people who had been nice to me. At the time I’d thought she was being silly, but now? She must know. But how?

  Uncle Ludwig returned from upstairs. He came right over to our table.

  “Critchlore asked me for a book on minerals,” he said. “They’ve reached a breakthrough in deciphering The Top Secret Book of Minions. He thinks we need something called sudithium. Ever heard of it, Professor Zaida?”

  “I don’t think so,” she answered.

  “He also wants a list of meteorite-impact craters,” Uncle Ludwig said. “I have my own mysteries to solve—without any help, I might add.” He glared at me.

  “Sometimes the greatest secrets are hidden in the most obvious places,” Professor Zaida said.

  Uncle Ludwig gave her a funny look and then went back to the stacks, mumbling something about quitters. Professor Zaida winked at me. She enjoyed toying with Uncle Ludwig.

  I leaned over to her and whispered, “Do you know what sudithium is?”

  “No, I really don’t,” she said. “But we’ve let Dr. Critchlore use the resources of the Great Library to decipher his book, and we’ll help him research that question as well.”

  “Okay, then, how about getting me a book about the Oti tribe?” I asked. My vaskor friend, Sara, had told me that she was “Oti,” but I’d never heard of that tribe, and Uncle Ludwig didn’t have any information about them in his library.

  “That’s not important right now,” Professor Zaida said.

  I slumped in my chair. I needed to learn more about Sara, and the rest of the vaskor. A few months ago, when I’d visited the Great Library, I may have, sort of, freed her from her spell of obedience to the royal family.

  It had seemed like a nice thing to do at the time.

  Three secret elements are not included in the periodic table. These elements are thought to be so dangerous that scientists refuse to share their information concerning their existence.

  —SECRETS OF THE MODERN WORLD, VOLUME 1,625

  I asked Darthin about sudithium as we sat down to lunch with Boris and Eloni.

  “It’s a very rare element, believed to come from outer space, and it’s found in places where meteorites have crashed. It’s pale greenish silver in color.”

  “How do you know all that?”

  “I overheard Dr. Frankenhammer talking to Dr. Critchlore about it in the lab this morning. Ever since Pravus escaped punishment, Critchlore’s been panicking.” He leaned in to whisper. “You guys, I think Dr. Pravus is trying to create the legendary Undefeatable Minion. That’s what he was implying during Evil Overlord Dinner Theater.”

  “Something’s up—that’s for sure,” Eloni said. “After PE I was helping Coach Foley put the dodge boulders away in the shed. Critchlore showed up. He didn’t know I was in the shed, so he started telling Coach Foley that he needs him to help arrange teams to go out on
search missions. It sounded like he knows where they want to go—they just need to decide who’s going.”

  This was exactly what Professor Murphy had wanted to keep secret. I wondered how soon it would be before I was blamed for the leak of information.

  “Field trips? To where?” Boris asked.

  “I’ve looked into it,” Darthin said, because of course he had. “Guys, one of the largest impact craters on the Porvian Continent is in Upper Worb.”

  “Hey, that’s where you’re from,” Boris said.

  “I know. What if he wants me to go?” Darthin looked worried now. “I don’t want to go back. You can’t imagine how terrible it is there. What if they won’t let me leave?”

  “What’s so terrible about it?” I asked. “I mean, I know there’s Irma Trackno and her crazy rules about nightly tributes. But your family is there. Don’t you miss them?”

  “I do. I’d love to bring them some lightbulbs. And toilet paper. They get only one roll a month. But the crater is way north, and I’ve heard stories . . . The beasts there are huge and vicious. There’s a reason why the Supremely Wonderful Irma Trackno has never recruited minions from outside her realm. She doesn’t need to.”

  “Relax,” I said. “I’m sure Dr. Critchlore won’t send you.” I didn’t want to be mean, but I’d seen baby rabbits that were braver than Darthin. Critchlore would have to be nuts to send him on a field assignment.

  Frankie sat down at the table, dropping his tray and resting his head on his folded arms next to it.

  “What’s up, Frankie?” Eloni asked.

  “Nothing,” he said into the table. His body shook with sobs, which was good. When he tried to keep his feelings bottled up, his head tended to pop off.

  “Want to talk about it?” I asked.

  “He’s been working with Dr. Frankenhammer,” Darthin explained.

  “That’s good, right?” I said. Frankie usually wanted to spend more time with his dad.

  Darthin shook his head and whispered, “Dr. Frankenhammer is studying him, to see what he did wrong, so he can make a better version. He feels threatened by this talk about an Undefeatable Minion, thinks it’s ridiculous that everyone believes a centuries-old book can create a better minion than he can.”