I run my fingers through my tangled mane of hair and sigh; jeez, I have a lot of work to do. I look haggard, my cheeks gaunt from my recent lack of desire for food. On the upside, my figure has never looked better, but I know this is evidence of my emotional trials, of my mom’s misplaced blame, and I sneer at the ribs poking out from under my camisole. I exhale again, remembering the loneliness that engulfed me over the last few weeks, how the memory of Orion was the only thing that kept me going. I go back to my bed and sit among the unmade sheets, lost in the memory of him. Is this madness? I wonder as I place a hand on my stomach feeling its flatness against the palm of my hand. The questions flood back to me once again in a flurry: Am I rushing into things with this man? Is it normal to feel this way about someone you’ve met twice? Is Orion really as wonderful as he seems? These questions, which before would have overwhelmed me, I push aside now as I realise what a month without him has taught me. I cannot live in a cave my whole life. Bad things happen whether you want them to or not, and above all, I have learned that I can survive whatever happens next. I have been through worse, much worse than meeting a nice guy. I repeat these facts in my head, slowly breathing, my hand feeling the rise and fall of my diaphragm. I get up slowly from the bed, sure now more than ever that I am in control of my destiny. That this life is mine to do with as I please. Mrs. Belle’s voice travels back into my head softly: You’re so bright Callie, and I feel confident as I remember her kind words. I am bright and I can handle myself. No man can ever make me feel worse than I have recently. I grin, doubtful no more, and get up standing firmly on the floor, ready to face whatever the night has in store.
I get dressed in blue velvet sweatpants and a white tank; I’ll do most of the renovations on my face and hair later tonight, all I have to do for now is choose something to wear. Yeah okay. ‘All’ implies that this is a small task, however for me as the most plain, gawky person in the world, finding something that makes me look ‘perfect’ may take a while. I open my closet and sit looking depressed at the selection of clothes. I have worn them a million times before. I hear a quick-paced step coming up the stairs before my door opens slightly and a flustered mom pokes her head round the door.
“You okay, Callie?” She blurts breathlessly, seeming as though she has a point she wants to get to quickly.
“Yeah sure, what’s up?” I ask casually, squashing down my excitement and listening to her frantic breath.
“I’ve woken up and I’m almost forty-five, with a closet full of frumpy nun clothes …” She pants a little and I grin comically as I see the woman I used to know as my mom reappearing after her Carl lobotomy.
“Yeah, I was just thinking that I have nothing to wear for tonight.” I admit, suddenly wishing I hadn’t said anything as her eyes light up with intrigue.
“Tonight? What’s happening tonight?” She queries, latching on to this little nugget of information smoother than a face-hugger in a sci-fi flick.
“Oh just a night out with the girls, we are going to a party.” I explain, lying quickly.
“I see. Do you want to go shopping?” My mom bribes and I bite the bait. I wonder if this is her way of trying to relieve her guilt over blaming me for Carl’s infidelity. I know it may seem shallow, but I love it when my mom feels guilty; this usually equates to new shoes. I mean, you should have seen the pair of stilts she brought home for me when she told me her and Carl were expecting Kayla. It was like Christmas, my birthday, and Easter all rolled into one; and then there’s my little red vintage she bought me for my 16th when they got engaged. I can’t say having a step-dad who hates you has been easy, but it sure made for a full rack of shoes and a sweet ride.
I smile smugly. Is this the beautiful calm after hurricane Carl that I’ve been waiting for? I nod keenly and my mom smiles knowing me too well.
“Okay, I’ll just go grab my purse and get Kayla’s shoes on, and then we’ll go, okay?” She says this speedily and dashes to Kayla’s room next door before I can respond. I get to my feet once again, close the wardrobe doors, and change into some jeans. As I slide my shoes on, I hear my mom call out for me from downstairs.
“You ready baby?” She sounds impatient. Oh jeez, ‘baby’? Well I’ll be damned; she must be feeling really guilty.
“Oh Callie, it’s beautiful!” My mother gushes as I step from behind a purple satin curtain and out into the dressing room walkway. Kayla looks me up and down from my mom’s lap and claps her pudgy hands together, giggling in approval of my new look.
We are in the dressing room of a shop with a name I can’t pronounce, it’s French I think, and the reason I’ve never been in here before is because the price tags would give any sensible person a coronary. I step in front of a long floor length mirror on the adjacent wall of the walkway, where other shoppers stand admiring their reflections, and take a good look at myself. I am standing in a stunning aqua maxi dress. It is made of gossamer and flows down to the middle of my calf. The bodice is peppered with lilac beading that forms a network of peacock-feather shaped patterns around my torso that trickle down into the long, flowing full skirt. I look beautiful, the colour accents my eyes and the curves of my body narrow within the fabric that is flattering me.
My mother speaks while I stand, mouth slightly open, glaring at my reflection and trying to be critical as the diamond teardrop necklace glimmers, throwing shades of aquamarine and lilac in the light.
“Would this be suitable for the party tonight?” She asks and I look over at her with a cocked brow; I’m one for window shopping and taking suitable advantage of my mom’s guilt, but this is a little excessive for my liking.
“Mom you don’t need to do this you know, I love this dress but it’s so expensive.” I admit, clawing at the side of the dress to retrieve the price tag from the folds of the fabric. The number printed makes my eyes pop out of my head.
“Oh shush Callie. I can afford it. I’ve just gotten a new job actually.” She announces. Surprised, I reach down to give her a hug.
“That’s fantastic!” I reply feeling genuinely happy for her.
“Yes, one of the learning assistants at Kayla’s nursery dropped out as she is going off to Malaysia or somewhere to do missionary work. She asked if I wanted to take up her shifts and I jumped!” Mom explains with a grin and a familiar glisten in her turquoise eyes. It’s the same glisten I get when I look in the mirror and I’m excited.
“Sounds like you’re going to be great at it, and you get to spend time with little monster over there.” I say reaching down to tickle Kayla as she screeches. A snobby shop assistant comes past to investigate and gives me an irritated look. I smile politely back, thinking all the while that if I’m spending as much as they’re charging she can stuff off. My mom and I share a knowing look and then we both burst out laughing as we roll our eyes in sync. The woman only glares more harshly and we both cover out mouths shyly with a hand out of faux guilt. I step back behind the satin curtain and begin to undress.
“So where is this party?” My mom questions, and for lack of inspiration, I go for partly truth.
“Chloe’s new beach house.” I respond lazily. As I begin to redress, I’m feeling slightly bad about lying to mom, knowing full well the party is far more private than I’m letting on.
“So you could do with a new bathing suit then to go under that dress?” She suggests and I hear the smug smile spreading over her lips. It’s the one she had when she passed over the keys to my little red vintage and it warms my heart. I’m glad we’re mom and Callie again.
The rest of the shopping trip passes slowly and with every outfit that I see I begin wondering, ‘Will Orion like me in this?’ He seems to consume my every thought, and to be honest, it’s driving me a little nuts.
As we walk towards the new blue mini in the underground parking lot I can’t help but smile at my little sister’s form as she is slung over my mom’s shoulder asleep. I am carrying a lot of bags containing my new swimsuit, ballet pumps, underwear, and of course,
the ridiculously expensive turquoise dress that I love. As we reach the vehicle it’s getting on to late afternoon and I know that as soon as we reach home I must start getting ready if I want to look perfect.
As we pile in the car and mom packs Kayla into her car seat, I am wondering about what the evening will bring. Will I finally get a kiss? It’s a question I’ve been putting off asking myself but this afternoon as we piled around underwear stores, I kept asking myself another question: ‘Would I mind him seeing me naked?’’ This question daunts me and suddenly, after imagining him unhooking my bra with one hand, kissing does not seem that scary. Could it in fact be magical with this mysterious person? I wonder this as I flash back to my drunken snog with Daryl. I remember leaning in slowly and having his tongue invade my mouth, foreign and unwelcome, pushing too hard against me, causing me to almost fall backwards as his lips possessed mine in a vulgarly desperate fashion. I shudder to myself at the thought of that night. My mom climbs into the driver’s seat and starts the engine, we begin our journey home.
When I get home, I’m hungry and feeling nervous as knots tie in my stomach. I wander through to the kitchen and fix myself some dinner. After standing over the stove, nervously hopping from foot to foot, I dish up the pasta and add grated cheese before tucking in and devouring the whole bowl quickly. My mom walks into the kitchen and catches sight of me stuffing my face.
“Honey, are you okay?” She asks and I blush slightly, wiping at the corners of my mouth for rogue cheese.
“I’m okay, just nervous about the party I guess.” I confess, feeling relieved at this small admittance of my anticipation.
“There’s a guy.” My mother says wide eyed with shock. She knows me too well and at this moment I hate that. How the hell could she tell there’s a guy in my life from the way I eat? I look down into the empty bowl and blush. “Oh my God, there is!” She concludes and rushes to sit beside me. “What’s his name?” she begs with her hand in one palm as if she is a teenager once again. There’s something behind the dreaminess of her expression, something sad.
I look up into her expression musing her sadness is because I’m growing up. She mustn’t know. He is my secret right now.
“I don’t want to tell you … I mean I’m not sure about him yet, okay?” I plead for her understanding, knowing deep down I am sure. I’m imagining him undressing me, that’s how sure I am.
“Okay, but you should look at his father, that’s how you know how he will treat you, okay?” She says and then it dawns on me, that I don’t really know that much about Orion’s family.
“Will do.” I agree trying to get her attention onto something else, although now that she knows I like someone this seems highly unlikely.
“I’m going to get ready, okay?” I murmur, putting my empty bowl in the dishwasher.
“Sure, but promise me something?” She raises her eyebrows and I’m half expecting the safe sex speech, my insides clench in horror.
“Yes mom?” I say innocently raising my eyebrows back.
“Let me do your hair?” She says smiling sweetly, knowingly. It is as though she asked me the question just so she could watch me to gauge whether or not I’m serious about my guy; whether I was thinking about the sex talk. I sigh slightly, feeling I have guessed her intentions correctly and wishing she would just butt out a little. I am an adult now after all.
“Thanks mom.” I smile at her, still surprised that the woman standing in front of me was a hot mess not one month ago. She instantly reverts to a shy look and then gushes a quick and sudden apology.
“I will make it up to you Callie; I will always regret leaving you here. Those things I said … I was awful to you. I wish I could take it all back.” I nod.
“I know mom.” I shift on my feet, feeling uncomfortable.
“No really Callie, I want our relationship to change. I don’t want you to think of me as just mom you know. I want us to be friends. You’re so grown up now.” She looks at me with wide turquoise eyes and I feel my heart break a little. I wish I had more time. I would be at college soon, no longer living at home with my family. I knew now I would miss my mom more than I wanted to admit.
“I know mom. You know you’ll always be my friend.” I say the words, hoping to comfort her, relieve some of her guilt but they pull at me too. I do want us to be friends.
“I love you, Callie.” She pulls me back into a hug. I sniff in the smell of her blouse and feel my eyes tear up.
“I love you too, mom.”
I stand in my new bathing suit, scrutinising myself in the mirror; I am a little worried about this to say the least. The bathing suit is comprised of a turquoise halter bikini attached to briefs by three turquoise stones that run from the base of my cleavage. The bikini barely covers my nipples, and my boobs are pushed up and in by the tight halter tie that is fastened around my neck. It is possibly the most flattering thing I have ever worn, and my mom’s eyes nearly popped out of her head when I tried it on in the store. I stand, unsure for a moment … do I want Orion to pass out at the sight of my chest? I smile to myself, knowing that answer already as I pick up the hanger with my turquoise peacock feathered dress on it. I slide the floating material over my head and continue to smile as I watch it accentuate my buttocks and hips further. My legs look smooth as they are newly shaved and I give an approving nod as my mom knocks and then enters.
“Oh Callie you look lovely, he won’t be able to resist you.” She compliments with cheeky sincerity.
“Yes well, with this bathing suit I’d be lucky if he could take a moment to look at my face.” I joke and she laughs.
“If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” She says simply and then takes my hand and leads me through to her bedroom. I walk with her into the lime green room; the walls bounce the light of the lowering sun onto the cream bedspread making the whole room warm. The vanity at the far end of the room beckons as she pulls my hand and I take a seat upon the cushioned cream velvet stool. As she brushes out my damp hair I am taken to a much simpler time, a much safer time, a time where fairy-tales were still real and Carl did not exist to me. She takes a straightening iron to my curls and pulls them into wafer thin locks of poker straight hair; they’re so much longer when straight and it makes my face look angular and my features acute. When she has straightened it entirely it comes down to the middle of my back and she then sets to braiding two locks of hair, one on either side of my parting and joining them at the back so I look like maid Marian from Robin Hood. It is truly gleaming in the sunlight and looks even more blonde when straight, due to lack of shadows cast by each ringlet. I turn and thank my mom feeling relaxed before heading to the bathroom to apply my make-up. I use blusher to make my cheeks look a little fuller and turquoise eye liner that makes my eyes seem more luminous than usual. After applying mascara, perfume, and some body-glitter on the top of my chest, I leave the bathroom and put on my new shoes: lilac ballet pumps that tie up with ribbons to the calf. I then descend the stairs feeling radiant, strong, and beautiful, quite a change from just a few days ago. I float past the living room and Kayla is lying on her belly watching ‘The Little Mermaid’ on the new flat screen. I laugh to myself as she moves her head to the voice of a singing crab and then my mom catches up with me as she comes down the stairs.
“So are you going to be back tomorrow or tonight?” She asks openly and I cannot believe I am speaking to the same woman who forbade me from leaving the house this time one month ago.
“It’s a sleep over for me and the girls after the party, so I should be back tomorrow.” I confirm and she nods looking a little sad. She raises a soft hand and strokes my cheek.
“You grew up so fast, and got so beautiful. I feel like I missed it.” She sighs and looks me in the eyes sorrowfully.
“Mom you kind of did.” I admit and I expect her to get angry, but instead she nods her head in agreement.
“I know. I want to make it up to you Callie. For everything … I have so much I need to tell you, about your fa
ther, about everything.” She confesses this to me and my heart becomes heavy. I turn to her and place my hand on her chin, lifting her head.
“We have all the time in the world mom, you can tell me anytime.” I assure her and she gives me a quick kiss on the forehead.
“Maybe when you get back tomorrow?” She asks cocking her head, looking afraid of my rejection.
“Of course.” I smile at her. I want her to be happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. She smiles back and my heart squeezes before I turn, walk past the sitting room, and close the door on my family and home.
The drive goes quickly and as the sun dips below the trees, my stomach gets tighter and tighter with the anticipation of seeing Orion again. One month has passed; I have processed, fallen to pieces, and accepted my feelings towards him and God how I have missed him. I sit in my car on the edge of the sand, my hair a little windswept from the drive as the last scarlet rays of the sun disappear below the frothy ocean waves on the horizon. I take one final breath and step out onto the pavement shakily after placing my purse in the glove box with my car and house keys, not wanting to carry anything with me out onto the beach. My dress flows around me, the gentle and inviting warm breeze tickling my legs, this isn’t like the last time I was here and it is as though the elements have combined to ease my nerves and lull me into a place of safety.
As I walk up the empty beach, a black velvet blanket of night engulfs the sky in a sudden and dramatic shadow that falls over everything in a matter of minutes. The nerves become too much and I fear I may fall dizzy with excitement and expectation as I walk forward to the shoreline and sit, my skirt blossoming out onto the surrounding sand.
“Callie.” One word is enough.
I snap my head around and there he is. The sound that left his mouth was a little breathless, almost like a sigh of longing. I see his face and I know he has missed me too. I step up into his arms and he holds me, stroking down the back of my neck. We move to view each other and get caught in what I can only describe as the moment your eyes meet before a kiss. I look away feeling undeniably shy and he touches my face as I step back.
The Kiss That Killed Me (The Tidal Kiss Trilogy Book 1) Page 10
