Magically Delicious

by Robyn Peterman

  “I’ve tried,” he said, running his hand through his hair in frustration. “It comes back to life for a bit and then disappears.”

  “Should I cry?” I asked. “Lucky and Charm camping out in my tummy make me an emotional lose cannon.”

  Mac was a very smart man. I’d left myself wide open with the prior statement. Emotional Loose Cannon should be my middle name—pregnant or not. However, my question was legit. My tears caused it to rain in our secret meadow. With Mac’s gift and my tears the meadow had come to life in the way it was meant to. But now… not so much.

  “No, baby,” he said. “The balance in the entire area is off.”

  “Explain.”

  “You know Main Street is glamoured to look like a dump,” Mac said, leading me to where we’d parked the motorcycle.

  I nodded. Humans drove right through Assjacket without a backward glance. This suited the Shifters just fine. Inside the dilapidated buildings, everything was pure enchantment. Everything from the Assjacket Diner to my therapist Roger the rabbit’s office was charming and lovely behind the broken down exteriors. The town was one massive sleight of hand, so to speak. It was a testament to the brilliance of my friends since the Shifters lived a very public yet secret life.

  “It’s falling apart. Buildings are coming down as fast as we rebuild.”

  “What? I was in town last week,” I told him.

  “It started two days ago. Can’t figure out what the hell is happening,” he replied, putting a helmet on my head.

  “Take me to town. I’m gonna fix this shit.”

  “It’s just a mess,” Bob fretted, pulling on his unibrow.

  I was hoping Bob had gotten all the yellow berries out of his system but I conjured up a few nose plugs to be safe and tucked them in my pocket. However, the beaver was correct. Main Street was in total disarray.

  “Has anything like this ever happened?” I asked, examining the fallen gutters and the crumbling walls of the grocery.

  “No,” Wanda answered. She shook her head and tried to nail a sideboard back on the store with very little success.

  “Very unusual and highly suspect,” DeeDee the deer Shifter said while shaking her head, taking my pulse and then measuring my stomach.

  Normally, I’d think her bizarre behavior was obnoxious and I’d deck her, but she was my doula and I let her do anything she wanted. She’d helped bring thirty-nine Shifters babies into the world. It was definitely not the doctor behavior I’d seen on TV, but my brand of healing was fairly left of center as well.

  “There’s a distinct absence of magic here,” Fabio observed, perplexed. “Can you feel it Zelda?”

  I nodded and shivered. It was the most unusual sensation I’d ever experienced.

  “Everybody stand back,” I told the gathering crowd. “I’m gonna wing this one.”

  “Sweet Mother of the Goddess, RUN!” Roger shrieked, shifting into his rabbit and scampering off like a bat out of hell.

  I didn’t need to ask twice. My town’s folk ran like the devil was on their heels. DeeDee sprinted away so quickly, the tape measure floated to the ground five seconds after she was out of sight. I was slightly insulted, but didn’t really blame them. My spells occasionally ended with fire works and explosions.

  Whatever.

  I didn’t have time to lambaste them for something I would have done myself. I had business to take care of.

  “Goddess on high hear me speak

  The town’s a mother humpin’ mess and needs a magical tweak

  Bring Assjacket back to its former battered glory

  This place is a fairy tale, not a sad story.”

  With a wave of my hands, several of the decaying boards splintered with a loud fiery pop and a gust of pink glitter blew through Main Street. Thankfully no three-alarm fire occurred, but the problem remained. The town was still falling apart.

  “What the hell?” I shouted, looking around in surprise. “That should have worked.”

  “Sugar Lips,” Fat Bastard said as he waddled over and examined the smoldering boards. Boba Fett and Jango Fett were right on his heels and sniffed at the still burning wood. “You might want to add a few cuss words to that spell. Youse been having better luck with them non-traditional voodoos.”

  “The cat might be right,” Roger concurred, now back in his human form except for his pink nose and whiskers. “Your creative use of the f-bomb seems to add some panache to your spells.”

  They had a point—a slightly embarrassing one—but a point nonetheless. I was finding my own witchy groove, and alarmingly my spells comprised of potty words had a higher success rate. While I debated which four letter words to include, a sensation similar to déjà vu came over me. And it wasn’t a good feeling.

  “It’s because of the lurking fucking evil,” I whispered, positive I was correct.

  “What?” Sassy asked as she and Jeeves joined my cats in their investigation of the boards.

  For a split second, I completely forgot what I was talking about as I marveled at Jeeves’ idea of sportswear. My kangaroo stepson had paired lime green jockey breeches with navy Converse hi-tops, white socks, a skin-tight yellow tank and a top hat. It was so wrong it was just… well, it was just wrong.

  “What was I talking about?” I asked myself and anyone willing to help me out.

  “The lurking shit,” Fat Bastard reminded me as he too stared at Jeeves in wonderment.

  “It’s the lurking fucking evil. It has to be,” I said, looking away from Jeeves so I could concentrate. I decided I should come up with a spell entirely made up of four letter words. It would be difficult, but doable. I had a vast potty word vocabulary.

  “But the lurking fucking evil is gone,” Simon, my skunk buddy, reminded me as he covertly moved in front of Jeeves so I could maintain my train of thought. “You destroyed it.”

  “But we never found the source,” Mac said tightly. “I think Zelda’s correct. There’s no other explanation for something like this.”

  “We have to find its origin,” I said, pacing up and down the crumbling sidewalk trying to figure out what would rhyme nicely with the word jack-hole. I wanted my spells to make a modicum of sense.

  I’d become complacent in my happiness. Everything was going so well for the first time in my life, I’d pushed all ugly realities aside. This was my territory and I was supposed to protect it and keep the magical balance. Being hormonal, pregnant, and obsessed with Ho Hos, had overtaken my rational senses. Time to witch up and kick some ass.

  “How do we find it?” Wanda asked the logical question that I was currently mulling over myself. “The honey badger Shifters are gone and your mother is imprisoned. The magic-stealing green goop from the syringe was destroyed. As far as we know no one else was working with them.”

  “It could be Vampyres,” Mac said with a shudder of disgust.

  “Let’s hope not,” I replied. “Those wankers are tremendously hard to eliminate. Wanker rhymes with canker.”

  Everyone was silent for a moment, completely confused by my statement—except for Sassy.

  “Shanker, spanker,” she added and then expanded the search. “Asshole, poop-bowl, dork-troll, butt-coal.”

  “Um… you can stop,” I told her, beginning to get a bit frightened. However, poop-bowl had a nice ring to it.

  “Okay, just trying to be helpful.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Anytime,” she replied.

  “Hows bout sphincter-scroll?” Jango Fett added, not wanting to be left out of anything remotely profane.

  I had nothing for that one.

  Mac cleared his throat and drew the attention of our people away from the certifiable witches and the obscene cats back to the matter at hand.

  “We’ll patrol in groups of four. The mission is to scour the area,” Mac said to the now growing crowd of Shifters.

  “What exactly are we looking for?” Bob asked with a nervous twitch.

  Mac shrugged his shoulders in frustratio
n. “Not sure,” he admitted. “If you notice anything off, or any trace that honey badgers have been in the area, report back immediately.”

  “What about Vamps?” Jeeves inquired with wide eyes as he tilted his top hat to the left, making him look slightly drunk.

  “Any evidence of Vamps and you hightail it back here. I’m the only one who goes after a Vamp,” Mac said tersely. “Understood?”

  Everyone nodded uneasily and began to whisper amongst themselves.

  “We can set up the command station at the diner,” Wanda offered.

  “No.” I shook my head and stopped my incessant pacing. “Too risky in case a human actually does wander in. We can use my new Shifter Wanker office. It’s nowhere near the main drag.”

  “Zelda’s right,” Mac agreed. “Gather everyone and meet us there in an hour.”

  The crowd broke apart hastily and I grabbed my father’s hand. “What do you think it is?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know,” he said. “However, I’d suggest not using the term sphincter-scroll in a spell. Ever.”

  “Good point.”

  “Should we let Baba Yaga know what’s happening here?” he asked carefully.

  “Nope,” I shot back with no hesitation and far more certainty than I felt. “This is my problem, not Baba Yobuttinsky’s. I’ll solve it.”

  “As you wish,” Fabio said with a smile filled with pride.

  It was nine AM. I had three hours before I had to bake with the old witch. However, that was not necessarily a bad thing. An old witch might have some wisdom.

  Even a potentially evil witch who lived in a cookie house.

  Chapter Nine

  “We go in rotations,” Mac instructed the eight groups of four. “No one works alone. If you find something, shift and alert me.”

  “You want us to search in human form or animal?” Simon asked.

  “Your choice,” Mac answered. “Hands might be helpful, but cell phones are spotty in the woods. Shift to your animal if you need to speak with me.”

  As King, Mac could communicate with his people telepathically. It was all kinds of cool and very useful. Speaking of not very useful… my obese cats conjured up a trunk of weapons and dove into it.

  Fat Bastard was now armed to the teeth, which was ludicrous since he and my other two cats were furry weapons without any armor needed. Any magic that stuck them flew right back at the attacker.

  “We was wonderin’ if we was allowed to blow some shit up on this here patrol,” Fat Bastard grunted under the weight of his absurd arsenal.

  “What do you want to blow up?” I asked, shaking my head and thinking it was not a good idea to send them out into the wilderness armed.

  “We was thinking a couple trees and maybe a house or two,” Jango informed me while tucking a few cans of spray paint into a bag he then hung around his neck.

  “Um, no. And why in the Goddess’s name do you need spray paint?” I demanded. I knew exactly what they planned to do. They’d been run out of several towns for profane graffiti.

  “We was gonna touch up Main Street, Dollface,” Boba Fett explained, looking as innocent as a lying, hairy sack of crap could.

  “Hand them over,” I said in a take no catshit tone. “If I see one nasty word painted anywhere in Assjacket, all three of you will be getting very familiar with your cat kennels. We clear?”

  “As mud,” Fat Bastard grumbled. “A guy can’t have any fun round here.”

  “You’re a cat. Right now you’re a guy cat, but that can be quickly remedied,” I informed him. “You want to keep those balls you’re so fond of, you will not blow anything up and you will not defile the town.”

  “Shealmostmadeuseateachothersnutsacksiwouldlistentowhatshesaysshehasaballfetish,” Chunk volunteered to a flummoxed crowd.

  Sassy and Jeeves patted their new son lovingly on the head and looked as confused as the rest of us as to what Chunk had just said.

  “If he said anything pertinent, someone needs to translate,” Mac said, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

  “Um, not sure if it pertains,” Chunk’s brother Chip volunteered, smacking on his gum so hard I was sure he’d dislocate his jaw. “But he was basically warning the cats that the Almighty Shifter Wanker Zelda, threatened to make us eat our own nads.”

  Every single male in attendance doubled over in reflexive terror and groaned.

  “For the love of the Goddess,” I shouted. “You guys were trying to kill me. I wouldn’t have actually made you eat each other’s nards.”

  A few of the men righted themselves, but all of them had not so discretely placed their hands over their jewels.

  “So what youse is sayin’ is that if we was to paint the town, you was jokin’ about removing our giggleberries?” Fat Bastard questioned.

  “What the hell did you just call your balls?” I asked, biting down on my lips so I wouldn’t laugh. Laughing only encouraged the idiots.

  “Not the point, Hot Potato,” Fat Bastard pointed out. “But I called ‘em giggleberries because when you lick th… ”

  “Stop,” I shrieked, waving my hand and sealing his kitty mouth shut. There we some things in life no one needed to know. “Castration is completely different from ingestion. I was totally serious about your punishment. No graffiti.”

  “Got it,” Jango said with a furry paw shielding his tiny privates. “No graffiti.”

  “It’s ten,” Mac said checking his watch, still slightly bent forward. “First four groups go now and second four groups stand watch downtown. Make sure you tag team with the next round when you come back in and then report to me. I want you to stay in groups. No one goes anywhere alone.”

  Our people dispersed quickly and silently, and went to patrol. The seriousness of the situation hit me. I was about to bring babies into this world. And the world at this very moment wasn’t the beautifully magical one I’d always known.

  “Fabio, Sassy, and Jeeves… Mac and I will go with you,” I said, walking over to them. My gut twisted at the thought of being late for Cookie Witch. She didn’t seem to be the most stable of the voodoo crowd. However, if I was late, I was late. I hoped she would understand, but it was what it was. I swore I would come back. I didn’t swear I would be on time…

  “Zelda, I want you to stay here,” Mac said firmly.

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “I want you to stay at headquarters,” he repeated not making a whole lot of eye contact.

  I knew what he was doing, but it wasn’t going to fly. My power was stronger than everyone in Assjacket put together. Along with the fact that it was my job to heal and maintain the magical balance, this was my responsibility. I was going.

  “Not happening.”

  Mac ran his hands through his hair, sighed and then took his alpha-hole tone. “You’re pregnant. I can’t risk anything happening to you or the babies. Period. End of discussion.”

  “Since when did you become the boss of me?” I demanded as my fingers began to spark and my hair blew dangerously around my head.

  “Since right now,” Mac replied evenly.

  “Interesting,” I snapped, stomping over to him and going nose to nose—or rather my nose to his chest. He was much taller than me. Holding my breath so I wouldn’t be able to take in how delicious the bossy jackwad smelled, I flicked my fingers and tried to hang his alpha-hole ass in the air to teach him a lesson. However, he just rose an inch or two off the ground. “What the ever lovin’ hell?”

  Fabio then flicked his own fingers at Mac, but he only rose another few inches. “Our magic has been affected,” my dad said, clearly as shocked as I was.

  “Wait,” Sassy insisted as she too tried to levitate my mate—or so I thought.

  As soon as the smoke from her spell cleared, the man of my dreams was clad in a sliver sequined gown and high heels. The look on Mac’s face made all of us take a few steps back.

  “Oh no, oh no, oh no,” Jeeves fretted as he began hopping around in distress.

&n
bsp; “Are the three of you done?” Mac asked in a calm voice that belied the very unhappy expression marring his handsome features.

  “Almost,” I promised quickly as I gripped Sassy by the shoulders. “What exactly did you try to do to him?”

  “Well,” she said, completely perplexed. “I tried to dress him in a matching outfit to Jeeves. I mean he looks great in the dress and can totally pull off heels, but it’s not what I was trying to do.”

  “I’d wear that dress,” Jeeves volunteered, trying to make the fact that his dad was wearing a gown more palatable.

  He failed.

  “Enough,” Mac growled. “Get me down and give me back my clothes.”

  As Sassy raised her hands to do just that, I tackled her to the ground. “No! Goddess only knows what will happen if you try to reverse the spell. Mac, you’re going to have to go up to the house and change. We’re a little too dangerous at the moment.”

  “At the moment?” he questioned under his breath, using his own Shifter magic to plant his feet back on solid ground. “No one leaves until I return. Clear?”

  It was a little hard to take him seriously in formal pageant wear, but I nodded with what I hoped was a straight face. I knew he was being overbearing because he loved me and the puppies, but I wasn’t a helpless little witch. I was an all-powerful… wait. Not right now I wasn’t. Shit. I was a little dangerous at the moment.

  As Mac walked away with as much dignity as a man in four-inch heels could muster, I grabbed my father and Sassy. “How in the hell is our magic muted?’ I hissed. “The only time I’ve been powerless was when Babayobuttwad put me in time out.”

  “It’s not just us who have lost power,” Fabio said, staring at his hands thoughtfully. “It’s everywhere. Can’t you feel it?”

  “I don’t feel any loss of power, just the ability to wield it,” I told him as he nodded his head in agreement.

  “All I know is that I want to whip up a dress like that for myself,” Sassy said, helping very little—as usual.

  “Could the lurking fucking evil be doing this?” I asked wondering if I’d even be able to transport to the cookie house for my punishment—or rather the little old witch’s punishment. I wasn’t exaggerating my lack of cooking skills.