Shadows Return n-4

by Lynn Flewelling

  “I wanted to die when I was first exiled, but I was too young and scared to carry through,” Seregil admitted softly. “But after that passed, even with all the shame-Despite what you may think, going to Idrilain’s court in disgrace wasn’t pleasant. Everyone knew why I was there, and what I’d done. But a wise friend told me that if you act like a whipped dog, that’s how people treat you, and that I’d better learn to hold my head up if I wanted anyone’s respect ever again.”

  “That’s easily said.” Ilar turned away and stared out at the sinking sun. “I’m so dirty.” Seregil thought he was talking of his spirit before he added, “The sound of that stream is driving me mad. Please, can I go and wash?”

  Seregil hesitated, tempted by the idea himself. They hadn’t seen or heard anyone all day, and just down the hill from where they sat, the stream curved in among the trees. The sun was nearly down and stars were already showing through the branches overhead. “All right. We’ll keep watch for each other.”

  Seregil went first. Leaving his sword within easy reach, he stripped off his coat and squatted on the muddy bank, trying to wash away the sweat and stink. He glanced down at his right arm where the brand had been, glad not to go the rest of his life with that kind of reminder in plain sight. Bad enough that he’d let himself and Alec be taken like that; he felt most guilty at how long it had taken him to get loose again.

  Long enough for that thing to be made. And he loves it, too, as if it really were his child. Seregil bent to rinse his hair in the current, thinking again of the oracle’s prophecy. If this wasn’t the fulfillment of it, then it was damn close.

  The cold water felt wonderful against his sweaty scalp. He stayed there a moment, then sat up and shook his head like a dog, scattering droplets in all directions.

  “Now I’m wet, too.”

  Seregil looked back over his shoulder and was startled to see Ilar standing close beside him. He is a ’faie, after all, he thought, but still disliked having the man creep up on him like that.

  Ilar wiped his face on his sleeve, leaving a streak of wet dust on his cheek. “That much less I need to wash, eh, Haba?”

  “Don’t call me that,” Seregil snapped, more out of habit than any real anger.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve always thought of you that way.”

  “Well, don’t,” Seregil growled, going back to his washing.

  “I wish Alec could forgive me. I really do like him, you know. It wasn’t easy, lying to him like that, but I had no choice.”

  “So you keep saying.” Seregil snorted as he washed his face.

  A light touch on his shoulder startled him. He slapped Ilar’s hand away and stood up, water running down his chest to soak the front of his trousers. “Damn you! What do you want from me?”

  Ilar stepped closer. “Your forgiveness, Seregil. I don’t understand. You saved my life, but you still treat me like a plague rat. Why didn’t you kill me or leave me when you had the chance?”

  “I’ve been asking myself that a lot.”

  Ilar smoothed a hand down the front of his dirty robe. “You didn’t know, did you, what had really become of me? You thought I was wandering around free, just like you.”

  And there it was again, thought Seregil, that little fish hook tug in his heart. Ilar held his gaze as he undid the ties at the neck of his robe and pulled it off over his head, baring his devastated body-the scars, the stripes, and the terrible emptiness between his legs.

  When Ilar reached for his shoulder this time, Seregil just stood there, looking into those sad hazel eyes, and seeing the depth of pain there.

  “Haba,” Ilar whispered, leaning closer. “Can’t we call the tally even? We ruined each other’s lives, and now we’ve saved them. Without me, how would you have gotten them both away?”

  “I’d have managed!” But Seregil couldn’t help wondering how. Ilar’s hand slid to the back of his neck and he could not for the life of him understand why he was allowing it. Ilar suddenly bent closer, bringing his lips close enough for Seregil to taste the man’s breath.

  Seregil jerked back. “What the hell-?”

  Before they could discuss the matter, Alec burst from the trees and flung himself at Ilar, tumbling them both into the stream with a mighty splash.

  Seregil stood dumbstruck, watching them flailing at each other with knees and fists. He almost kissed me. I almost let him!

  Alec quickly got the upper hand and was holding Ilar’s head under the water. Seregil waded in and dragged him off, pulling him to his feet. They were both soaked now.

  Alec whipped around and punched Seregil squarely in the jaw, knocking him on his ass in the shallows. He was livid.

  “Is that how it is?” he shouted, fists balled, body tensed for attack. “Is that why you dragged him along?”

  Seregil stared up at him. The whole side of his face throbbed and his mouth was full of blood. “Of course not!”

  “I saw you! Him-naked. Kissing you!”

  “He did not!” The accusation stung, and pain was giving way to anger. “And what about you? I saw you in the garden with him, more than once! He held you.”

  “I told you, he tried to seduce me, but I didn’t let him!”

  “Neither did I!”

  “Oh, so he was just getting something out of your eye for you?”

  “For fuck’s sake, Alec!” He looked over at Ilar, who was still sitting in the water where he’d fallen. Water streamed down his face, and blood, too. Ilar was beaten, miserable, helpless. Pitiable.

  Seregil staggered to his feet. “Hit me again. Harder.”

  “What?”

  “Please, talí. Once more.”

  Alec gave him another doubtful look, and then slapped him, hard.

  Ilar staggered up, looking at them like they’d both gone mad, then edged around them to grab up his discarded robe. “I didn’t mean any harm, Alec,” he mumbled, trembling.

  “The hell you didn’t! You’ve been trying to cozy up to him from the start.” He turned accusing eyes on Seregil. “Did you let him?”

  Alec might just as well have hit him again. Seregil yanked on his discarded coat and stalked back up the hill to their camp, not trusting himself to answer. He wasn’t sure whom he was most angry with.

  Probably himself.

  Alec leveled the point of his sword at Ilar’s throat. “First me at the house, and now this? Leave him alone, damn you!”

  “Please don’t! You promised,” Ilar begged, as his legs gave out under him.

  “Don’t tempt me.” Disgusted, Alec sheathed his sword. “You put a slave collar on him, but he saved you anyway. Why are you making trouble now?”

  Ilar hugged his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth a little. Eyes downcast, he whispered, “I wasn’t always like this. All these years of being one master’s possession after another…I can’t expect you to understand, or him. I was just ‘Khenir’ for so long.”

  “Yhakobin didn’t give you that name?”

  “Of course not. When the slavers asked me what my name was, I just said the first one that came into my head, so as not to shame my clan any more than I already had.”

  As much as he hated to admit it, Alec suspected Ilar was telling him at least a partial truth. “How did you become a slave in the first place?”

  “When I failed, all those years ago, Ulan í Sathil had to make certain that the truth of his role in all that never came out. So he had me caught and sold.”

  Alec snorted. “Because the Aurënfaie don’t like to kill each other?”

  “Scoff all you like. He couldn’t very well declare teth’sag on my clan and me. And he couldn’t risk the Haman claiming their right to it, in case I talked. If he’d had me killed, it would have been murder and set his clan at odds with mine and their allies.” He was shivering harder now. “Besides, this is more of a punishment, isn’t it?”

  “And you wanted to punish Seregil, too.”

  “When I overheard one of Ilban’s visitors speak of you a
nd Seregil a few years ago, something happened…” He paused, gaze fixed on his muddy feet. “Some part of me came back to life. I wanted revenge. I couldn’t think of anything else. And Ilban trusted me enough to look into the matter, once he heard the claims about your mixed blood.” He looked up, a bit of spirit coming back into his eyes. “Seregil is right when he says that all that’s happened to you was my doing, but he bears some of the responsibility.”

  “Don’t start that again. I don’t believe you and I don’t care.”

  Ilar stood up slowly and pulled on his discarded cloak. “What’s stopping you from killing me now?”

  Because I wouldn’t let Seregil do it, and now he won’t let me, Alec thought, resigned.

  Ilar pressed his hand to his heart and gave him a small bow. “Whatever your reason, I thank you. If you only knew what it was like, seeing him again…But I’ll take more care around him, I swear!”

  “You’d better.”

  Seregil had found Sebrahn squatting in the dappled shade under a gnarled tree. His back was to Seregil but he turned as soon as he heard him approaching, long silvery hair swinging around his shoulders. Seregil had given up cutting it as often. It was too disconcerting to see it grow back.

  Distracted by the hair, it took Seregil a moment to notice that Sebrahn held a cup in both hands. The rhekaro rose and offered it to him. A large blue lotus filled the cup. “What’s that for?”

  Sebrahn pointed at Seregil’s bruised face. “Oh that? It’s-”

  There was a deep gash in Sebrahn’s forearm. The strange pale blood was still flowing, and a trail of dark spots in the dust led back to the open bundle, and the knife beside it.

  “How did you know?” Seregil muttered. “And what have you done to yourself? I don’t need that.”

  He scooped the wet flower from the cup and pressed it to Sebrahn’s wound. It evaporated like a mist between his fingers, but the gash remained open and bleeding.

  “You can’t heal yourself?” Seregil’s hands were covered in that strange blood now. It was cool and slick and unpleasant on his skin, yet he couldn’t help feeling pity for the rhekaro. What sort of life was Sebrahn supposed to have, made as he was?

  The rhekaro walked unsteadily back toward the fallen cup, perhaps intending to make another healing flower for Seregil, but he wobbled and fell before he could reach it.

  “Alec, come quick!” Seregil shouted, forgetting caution for a dangerous moment. Going to Sebrahn, he tried to staunch the wound with a rag from the bundle. Sebrahn was limp and slumped over on his side, eyes half-closed.

  “What is it?” Alec asked, dashing through the trees toward him, sword drawn.

  Seregil gathered the little body into his arms. “He’s hurt himself. I think he needs you.”

  Alec knelt and examined the wound. “He did this himself?”

  “Alec, I wouldn’t…”

  Alec gave him a brief smile. “I know that. I just didn’t think he could-never mind. Give me that knife, quick.”

  Alec sliced his own finger deeply and let his blood flow between Sebrahn’s parted lips.

  For a long moment nothing happened. Red blood trickled from the slack mouth, streaking the pale chin, which looked even whiter than normal. Then those pale lashes fluttered and the tip of a grey tongue appeared, lapping like a kitten at the blood.

  “Watch his arm,” Alec told him.

  As Seregil watched, the skin closed itself, sealing into a thin white scar like the ones on Sebrahn’s fingers and wrist.

  The rhekaro’s eyes were open now, and he was sucking harder at Alec’s finger.

  “Maybe you should give him extra. He fainted, or something, just from what little blood he lost.”

  “We don’t know what a lot or a little is to him.” Alec cradled Sebrahn’s head in one hand. “Poor little thing. Maybe I’ve been starving him.”

  This time Alec let Sebrahn drink as long as he wanted. He’d always felt a strange pull inside when he fed him, but it was much stronger now, like when Yhakobin had Alec feed the first rhekaro after one of the alchemist’s crueler explorations. He was shivering by the time Seregil reached over and pulled Alec’s hand away.

  “No more, talí. You’ve gone pale, yourself.”

  “I feel a little shaky,” he admitted. “But look!”

  For the first time, the rhekaro’s face and the quick of his nails showed the faintest tinge of pink. His eyes were darker silver now, too, almost the color of steel.

  Seregil cupped Alec’s chin and inspected him closely. “You look different, too. More like your old self.”

  “It’s like he’s pulling the Hâzadriëlfaie out of me,” Alec whispered, hugging himself and shivering harder.

  Seregil fetched the water skin and made Alec drink, then sat behind him and pulled Alec against his chest to warm him. Sebrahn climbed into Alec’s lap and cuddled against him.

  Alec hugged the rhekaro close. “He doesn’t feel quite so cold now.”

  Seregil wound a strand of silvery hair around one finger. “I wish you could talk, little one. There’s more to you than meets the eye, and I’d be a lot happier if I knew what it was.”

  “Maybe there’s more Ilar hasn’t told us,” said Alec.

  “Maybe.” Seregil rested his unbruised cheek against the side of Alec’s head.

  He relaxed back against him, glad for a moment of peace. Any anger he’d felt toward Seregil was gone. They were all in a miserable situation.

  “What was all that shouting?”

  “I just told Ilar to stay away from you.”

  “You threatened him.”

  “I just told him to leave you alone.”

  “Good.”

  Alec turned to look at him. “You really mean that?”

  “Ah, Alec.”

  “I wasn’t the one calling him ‘friend.’”

  “I loved him once. You know that. And then I hated him.”

  “And now you pity him.”

  “I wish I didn’t. But I swear to you, talí, you have no reason to be jealous.”

  “I’m not jealous of him!”

  Seregil smiled sadly. “Just as I’m not jealous of Sebrahn?”

  “You don’t-Wait, where is Ilar?”

  “I’m here.” The man joined them and crouched beside the fire, chaffing his hands over the flames.

  “I heard what you said before,” he told them dully. “I’ve told you everything I know about the rhekaro. I don’t care if you believe me or not. It’s the truth. What reason would I have to lie now? You were right, Alec. It’s only because of you two I’m alive, and I’m grateful for that. Just take me out of this cursed country. After that, I’ll fend for myself.”

  Alec watched him closely through this little speech, alert for any false notes. But all he saw in Ilar’s red-rimmed eyes was resignation, and-when he spoke of going off on his own-fear.

  By sundown everyone was warm, dry, and somewhat rested. Alec had managed to sleep again with Sebrahn safely beside him. He woke smiling from a dream of Seregil’s long fingers caressing the nape of his neck, but the moment didn’t last. Ilar had interrupted them before they could really settle anything between them and now Seregil sat on the far side of the fire, looking sad. He looked away quickly when he realized Alec was awake.

  Miserable, Alec sat up to feed Sebrahn. “Do you think we can reach the coast tonight?”

  “If not tonight, then tomorrow for certain,” Seregil said as he parceled out the last of the rabbit meat and an apple for each of them.

  Alec ate his portion very slowly, aware of the silence underlying the words. He wanted to grab Seregil, tell him he understood that all Seregil felt for Ilar was pity, but the words backed up in his throat as Alec pictured the two of them there by the stream.

  He did trust Seregil! So why couldn’t he let go of this?

  “Maybe I can find us some rabbits here. It’s better country for it,” he offered, hoping to get a response, but his talimenios just stared into the fire, as if h
e knew Alec’s thoughts.

  “Better that than snake,” Ilar remarked with a weak smile.

  “Too cold for snakes now,” Seregil told him, rising to his feet. “We’re more likely to find a village, or at least a decent farm. Hunger always sharpens my thievery skills.”

  As soon as it was dark, they cleaned up their camp, then took off their boots and walked down the streambed as far as they could bear, feet going numb in the icy water.

  When Seregil judged they’d gone far enough to confuse the trail, they struck north and east for a while to finish the job. It lost them miles and time, but hopefully any pursuers wouldn’t come looking in this direction.

  As the night dragged on, Seregil’s silence continued. His past had come between them again like an unwelcome shadow and now he was a dark, driven shape in the dark beside Alec and the bond was silent.

  They stopped a few times to rest and feed Sebrahn. Perhaps the rhekaro picked up on the tension between them, for as soon as he was let out of his sling, he settled close against Alec’s side and wouldn’t be moved. When Seregil offered to carry him, he clung to Alec like a squirrel.

  Before Alec could say anything, Seregil turned and strode off again, setting a brisk pace.

  Almost as if he’s trying to run away from something, Alec reflected sadly. And knowing Seregil as he did, he probably was, if only from his own feelings.

  CHAPTER 44 The Parting

  SEREGIL DIDN’T MEAN to shut Alec out; he just didn’t know what to say.

  As the night waned, the way grew more barren rather than less, with no signs of habitation, and everyone’s concentration was taken up with not breaking an ankle or falling into a hole. By dawn their food was gone, and the water skin was just half-full. Alec took his hunting sling and left an unwilling Sebrahn with the others.

  Hunkered down in a dry gully, Seregil settled with his back to a rock-well away from Ilar, even though Alec wasn’t there to see-and regarded the restless rhekaro with some concern. “I thought we were beginning to get along, you and I?”

  Sebrahn squatted where Alec had left him, eyeing them both with apparent wariness.