Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

by Gary Chapman

  These differences are also seen in the way people tell stories. The Babbling Brook tends to be a painter. If they are telling you an experience they have had, they will paint a beautiful, detailed picture of the event. They will tell you whether it was cloudy or the sun was shining, which way the wind was blowing, what kind of flowers were in the background, and how many people were standing on the other side of the parking lot. On the other hand, the Dead Sea tends to be a pointer. If they were telling the same experience, it would be much shorter with fewer details. They simply “get to the point.” They are bottom-line communicators. Often in a marriage, the pointer will find it very difficult to listen to the long and detailed account of the painter. They will sometimes interrupt and say “Could you just get to the point?” However, when the painter is listening to the pointer, they will often ask questions trying to glean more details so they have a better picture of the pointer’s story.

  The painter will always be a painter and the pointer will always be a pointer. These personality patterns of speech are not likely to change, nor is one better than another. However, if we understand these personality differences, we are less likely to try to change each other after we are married. The Dead Sea will never become a Babbling Brook. So the person who is married to a Dead Sea must be content to live with a person who will not readily share all of their thoughts and feelings. Most Dead Seas are open to questions and are willing to share more if the Babbling Brook will ask those questions. The Dead Sea is not willfully withholding information; they simply have no compulsion to share all of their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

  While the Dead Sea may be content to listen to the constant talk of the Babbling Brook, he or she may sometimes long for moments of silence. That is why they sometimes withdraw to the computer or other activities. The Babbling Brook must understand. They are not being rejected by the Dead Sea. The Dead Sea is simply longing for a more contemplative climate. When these personality differences are discussed before marriage, they are far less likely to be troublesome after marriage.

  Passives and Aggressives

  The old adage says, “Some people read history; others make it.” Often these people are married to each other. The aggressive husband or wife believes that each day is a new opportunity to advance the cause. They will aggressively pursue what they want, what they believe to be right, or what they think should happen. They will go to all ends, they will turn every stone, and they will do everything humanly possible to accomplish their goals in life. On the other hand, the passive person will spend time thinking, analyzing, wondering “What if?” and waiting for something good to happen. Their theme is, “Everything comes to him who waits.”

  Before marriage, these traits made them seem compatible. The aggressive partner found it comforting to observe the calm, cool, and collected nature of the other person. They liked the stable, predictable nature of the one they loved. The passive person was pleased to have someone make plans and chart courses for their future. They admired the accomplishments of their aggressive lover.

  After marriage, the couple often finds these traits divisive. The aggressive partner keeps trying to push the passive partner into action. “Come on; we can make this happen” is their mantra. On the other hand, the passive partner keeps saying, “Let’s wait. There might be a better opportunity later. Don’t get so excited. Everything is going to work out.”

  Are these traits observable in the dating stage of the relationship? The answer is yes, but often they are never discussed. The passive person tends to simply go along with anything the aggressive person wants to do. They enjoy the adventure and are caught up in the excitement of being in love. They will seldom express opposition to the aggressive person’s ideas. When the two of them walk into a room, the aggressive person will assess what needs to be done and take charge to make it happen while the passive person stands by, perhaps talking to a friend, waiting to see what the evening will bring. The aggressive person will often engage the passive person by asking them to do something specific to move the cause along. Because they are in love with the aggressor, the passive personality often complies and may even feel good about having been a part of the process.

  While there is nothing innately wrong with either of these personality traits, they do hold the potential for irritation after marriage. When the heightened emotions of being in love have faded, the passive person will be more resistant to the request of the aggressor and may feel that they are being manipulated or controlled. The aggressor may feel frustrated and even angry with the hesitation of the passive personality. It is certainly possible for these two individuals to build a successful marriage, but it requires the aggressor to be empathetic and understanding of the passive personality. He must take time to hear the concerns of the passive individual and even to realize the assets that they bring to the marriage. For example, “looking before one leaps” is always a good idea. The passive person is far more likely than the aggressor to be “looking.” On the other hand, the passive person must allow the aggressive person to use her strengths and let her leap before it is too late. If you cannot conscientiously leap with her, then hold the rope while she does so. Together you will accomplish much in life, if you learn how to complement each other, rather than be competitors.

  If you can discuss this personality difference before marriage and gain some experience in working together as a team, you are far more likely to make this difference an asset rather than a liability once you are married.

  Professors and Dancers

  Some people are extremely logical in their reasoning. They progress through rational steps and reach what to them is a logical conclusion. Other people simply know in their heart what is right in a given situation. They cannot tell you why or how they reached that conclusion; they simply know that it is the right decision.

  I have sometimes called the logical thinker the professor. For the professor, everything must be reasoned out. “We must have logical reasons for everything we do. If it is not logical, we shouldn’t do it.” The intuitive person is more like the dancer. “We don’t need logical reasons for everything we do. We do some things simply because we enjoy them. I don’t know why. Do I always have to know why? I want to do it just because.” Before marriage the professor was enamored with the intuitive wisdom of the dancer while the dancer was proud of the professor’s logic. However, after marriage the professor is slowly driven insane by the same illogical behavior, while the dancer wonders how she can continue living with a person so obsessed with reason.

  One husband said to his wife, “Trish, listen to me. The walls are not dirty; they don’t need painting again. Don’t you understand that?” His wife responded, “Yes, I understand that. But I don’t want green walls any longer.” The professor has a difficult time making decisions based on desire. The dancer cannot imagine why anyone would want to be held in the prison of logic.

  If you try to force each other into your own personality mold, you may spend a lifetime in conflict.

  These personality differences often go undiscovered and undiscussed before marriage. During the dating phase of the relationship, decisions are often made simply because he and she want to please each other. After marriage, when life gets serious and real, this desire to please each other is not as natural. When differences emerge, the logical thinker will seek to press the intuitive thinker into having logical reasons for their position. This is expecting and demanding the impossible. The intuitive person will never process life with the logic of the professor.

  If you try to force each other into your own personality mold, you may spend a lifetime in conflict. We must recognize that logical and intuitive thinking are both legitimate ways of processing life. We must focus not on the process whereby we reach our conclusions but on finding conclusions with which both of us can agree. The principles we discussed in Chapter Four on how to resolve disagreements without arguing will be extremely helpful to couples who have this personality difference.


  The Organizer and the Free Spirit

  The organizer will give attention to the details while the spontaneous person—the “free spirit”—thinks, “The details will take care of themselves.” Organizers are planners; they will spend months in preparation for a trip out of town. They will check three different websites, looking for the best airfare. They will make sure the rental car has GPS. They will make hotel reservations weeks in advance. They will give similar attention to where they will eat and what they will do, and certainly, they will make sure that they pack the right equipment. The spontaneous person waits until the night before the trip and says, “Why don’t we go to the coast instead of the mountains? The sun is so beautiful and the weather is wonderful.” This sends the organizer into a tailspin and the vacation becomes torture.

  Before marriage, Beth was impressed with Trent’s organizational skills. “You check your online bank balance every day? That’s amazing!” However, after marriage she is asking, “You want me to write down every expense? That’s impossible. No one does that.” Trent, of course, quickly shows her his little notebook with every expense accurately recorded. To him, it’s simply a matter of being responsible.

  Trent will also load the dishwasher in a very organized manner. Plates, bowls, glasses, and silverware—all in their appropriate positions. Beth on the other hand will likely load the dishwasher like she loads the washing machine. Her objective is simply to get the door closed—the dishwasher will take care of the rest. Trent will be quick to point out the chipped plates and broken glasses that are the result of her whimsical attitude.

  In my own marriage, it took me several years to realize that Karolyn would never load a dishwasher the way I loaded it. She simply was not wired with that ability. All of my lectures about why she should not cradle two spoons with peanut butter between them fell on deaf ears. I learned the hard way that life is more than a few chipped dishes, broken glasses, and dirty spoons. I had to give her the freedom to be who she is and, in turn, she freely relinquished the task of loading the dishwasher. If I must rush off to an evening meeting, she will gladly do the job and I will accept the results.

  Trent will also pay the bills in a very organized, methodical manner. If he is out of town for a few days on a business trip, he will expect Beth to have the bills stacked neatly on his desk when he returns. However, chances are Beth will not remember what she did with the mail or even if she brought it inside the house. He may find the bills in the car, on the floor, or under the couch cushion. He is amazed that anyone could be so irresponsible. Beth is equally amazed that anyone could be so rigid. This personality difference has the potential for heated conflicts.

  This personality difference can be easily observed in the dating relationship if the couple is looking for it. However, most couples are not. If the organizer sees the spontaneous personality of his dating partner, he will likely admire it and respond positively to her spontaneous ideas. If the spontaneous person sees the organizational skills of the partner, she will most certainly admire the trait and perhaps even express her appreciation. However, if the couple can be a bit more realistic and acknowledge the potential conflicts in this personality difference and discuss how they might handle such conflicts after marriage, they may save themselves the trauma of being shocked by personality clashes after marriage. The fact that you have acknowledged the potential conflicts and discussed possible solutions will make it much easier for you to discover such solutions when the inevitable conflict arises.

  Because personality differences are so profound and because they strongly affect our behavior, I encourage all couples who are seriously contemplating marriage to fill out a personality profile. Few things will better prepare you for the inevitable conflicts in marriage like understanding each other’s personality patterns. There are a number of personality profiles available. One I recommend was developed in Norway and made popular in this country by numerous counselors. The profile divides people into four basic temperaments: melancholy, phlegmatic, sanguine, and choleric. You can take this profile free at the following website: www.oneishy.com/personality. If you are contemplating marriage, I would encourage each of you to take the profile separately and then discuss the results. It will give you the strengths and weaknesses of each of these temperaments. Discussing your temperaments with each other can be very enlightening.

  The second profile is Couple Checkup, and will measure twenty different aspects of your relationship. It will help you celebrate your strengths and identify areas that need growth. There is a separate profile for dating couples, engaged couples, and married couples. There is a charge for this profile, but in my opinion it is an excellent investment in your relationship. You may access the profile at www.couplecheckup.com.

  Taking either or both of these assessments will not only provide you with meaningful discussion, it will lead you to a deeper understanding of each other’s personality patterns. Understanding personality will make it much easier for you to accept the behavior of the other person in a given situation.

  If the two of you go for premarital counseling, your counselor may also suggest an assessment tool called PREPARE/ENRICH. This is a more comprehensive profile and is geared specifically to couples who are thinking of marriage. This profile will need to be administered, scored, and interpreted by a counselor, but it can be an extremely helpful exercise as a couple moves toward marriage.1

  Talking It Over

  On a scale of 1–10, rate yourself on the following personality traits. 10 means extremely high and 1 means extremely low.

  a. Optimistic

  b. Pessimistic

  c. Neat

  d. Messy

  e. Babbling Brook

  f. Dead Sea

  g. Pointer

  h. Painter

  i. Aggressive

  j. Passive

  k. Logical

  l. Intuitive

  m. Organizer

  n. Spontaneous

  2. Encourage your dating partner to do the above exercise and then discuss your answers with each other, giving illustrations as to why you rated yourself a particular score.

  3. If you are seriously considering marriage, perhaps you would like to take one or both of the free personality profiles discussed in this chapter. They can be found at the following websites: oneishy.com/personality and couplecheckup.com.

  4. If you receive premarital counseling from a counselor or religious leader, you may ask them about the possibility of taking the PREPARE/ENRICH assessment.

  Epilogue

  In this book, I have shared with you what I wish someone had told me before I got married. If Karolyn and I had discussed the issues I have raised on these pages, our first years of marriage would have been much easier. Since we did not discuss these issues, our marriage was filled with conflicts, misunderstandings, and frustration. I know the feeling of being married and miserable; of thinking, “I’ve married the wrong woman.” I reasoned that surely if I had married the “right one,” it would not be this difficult.

  Yes, we eventually found answers to our frustrations and resolution to our conflicts. We learned how to listen to each other empathetically and understand feelings and desires and to reach workable solutions. For many years we have had a loving, supportive, satisfying marital relationship and have invested our lives in helping other couples discover the same. It is my desire that this book will help thousands of couples have that kind of marriage, without the years of pain and struggle we experienced.

  If you are single and not currently involved in a dating relationship, I hope the ideas of this book will be tucked away in your mind for future reference. You now have a more realistic idea of what needs to be considered before you make the decision to get married. When you begin to feel the “tingles” for someone, I hope that you will take this book off the shelf and let it be a guide in developing a healthy dating relationship and a wise decision on whether or not to say, “I do!”

  For those of you who are in a committed dati
ng relationship, I hope that this book will be your trusted companion as you get to know each other better. I encourage you to discuss the topics openly and honestly, and seek to be realistic about what you discover. If so, I believe you will make a wise decision about whether or not you should get married.

  For those who are already officially or unofficially “engaged,” I hope that you will dig deeply into the issues I have raised. I encourage you not simply to read the chapters but to answer the questions and follow the suggestions I have made at the end of each chapter. Some of you may discover that your engagement is premature; that you really did not know each other well enough to make that decision. If so, I hope you will have the courage to be honest with each other, accept the embarrassment this may bring, and either postpone or break your engagement. I assure you that a broken engagement, while painful, is not nearly as painful as a divorce three years later.

  If, on the other hand, you conclude that you hold enough in common to build a successful marriage, then your discussion of these issues will better prepare you to make that dream a reality. I genuinely believe that if couples will thoroughly discuss the content of this book, they will enter marriage with a much more realistic view of how to have a successful marriage.

  A few years ago, a survey revealed that 87 percent of single adults between the ages of twenty and thirty affirmed, “I want to have one marriage that will last for a lifetime.”1 They have seen their parents divorce and felt the pain of abandonment. That is not what they desire to replicate. The tragedy is that many of them have no idea how to reach the aspiration of a lifelong positive marriage relationship. It is my desire that this book will provide them with that information.