Mrs. Fry's Diary

by Mrs Stephen Fry

  10 Sunday

  Oh dear me, what a day! Poor Viennetta locked herself in her room. Of course, being the caring mother I am, I had to go up and see what the problem was. After all, she’d been crying her eyes out since she got up and Heartbeat finished last week so it can’t have been that.

  Eventually I managed to persuade her to open the door. We sat on her bed and I put my arm round her shoulders, just like it says on page 16 of the manual. Once her sobs had subsided, she told me what was upsetting her. I can’t say I was surprised. In fact, I’m amazed she’s remained pregnancy-free up to this point.

  I asked her if she was sure and she reached under her pillow and handed me the proof. There was no doubt. There it was in black and white – Local Teen In Fame Factor Baby Shame. Wannabe singer Viennetta Fry was yesterday forced to withdraw from the Fame Factor regional semi-final when regulation tests revealed her to be four months pregnant. Viennetta, 34-24-32, said she had been unaware of the rule and announced her intention to continue as a Britney Spears impersonator, competing instead in December’s Now There’s a Bit of Talent Grand Final with a new 2-for-1 solo and double act.

  I folded up the newspaper, placed it back under the pillow and gave her a big hug (page 42). My motherly instincts told me it wasn’t the right time to ask her who the father was. She’s not good under pressure, poor dear. I’ll give her a multiple choice questionnaire when she’s had proper time to revise.

  She asked me not to say anything to Stephen and I told her not to worry. He wouldn’t know anything until it became really obvious, and maybe not even then. It wasn’t until after he’d changed Stephen Junior’s nappy for the first time that he realised I hadn’t been in hospital with an over-inflated large intestine. I must say, seeing Viennetta like that really brought out my maternal instincts. I just wanted to help her. I remember what it was like the first time I got pregnant – the fear, the vulnerability, the loneliness. I’ll go to the bookshop in the morning.

  11 Monday

  Went into town to get Viennetta’s book. Fortunately, Remainders of the Day has the UK’s largest Teenage Pregnancy section. I bought quite a few in the end – Nine Months of Hell, Good Morning, Vomit and Benefits, Booze and Bungalows – A Single Mother’s Guide. Oh, and Where Do Babies Come From? – that one’s for Stephen.

  12 Tuesday

  Stephen and I went to the gym this evening. We attended the special ‘Couples’ session for the first time. It was a very demanding routine – Stephen had to pummel a punch bag with his fists and feet, as I tried to pull him back while chanting the mantra ‘Leave him alone. He’s not worth it.’ We arrived back at the house exhausted but pleased with our efforts. Next week it’s the ‘Did you spill my pint?’ session.

  13 Wednesday

  The best part of arguing with Stephen is the make-up sex. The worst part is wiping the make-up off the pillow afterwards.

  14 Thursday

  Spent the morning clearing out the fridge as part of our holiday health regime. Out go the hi-cal lager, the Butter the Devil You Know and the entire ‘You Could Be Run Over By A Bus Tomorrow’ ready meal range, and in come the Supa-cise Diet Burger & Fries, the Supa-cise Low-cal Kebabeque Pizza and the Supa-cise ‘Soup-a-cise’ Soups (small size). I have to say that despite being much lower in calories, saturated fats and nutritional value, it’s very difficult to detect any significant difference in taste, apart from possibly the soups, but that’s easily solved with the addition of a few croutons. Or a leg of lamb.

  15 Friday

  Stephen’s back early from the Red Lion tonight. Most unlike him. Sounds like Blue Suede Shoes Night didn’t quite go to plan – the new landlord accidentally booked an elves impersonator. Apparently, he was over the moon to get work at this time of year but things began to turn ugly when he started asking the regulars if they were naughty or nice.

  16 Saturday

  I was hoping to go with Stephen to the new seventies club that’s opened, A Mirrorball on 34th Street, tonight. Unfortunately, he can’t go dancing at this time of year as he suffers from the most debilitating Saturday night hayfever. We’ve tried everything – Boogienase, Funkicillin, even a course of Travoltarol, but nothing seems to work. Instead, it was just the usual dull Saturday night in. Even the microwave seemed less interesting than normal, until I realised I’d been watching the TV.

  17 Sunday

  As today was such a lovely day, we decided to have a barbecue this afternoon. As usual, Stephen took charge of the whole thing – the lighting, the cooking, the ringing the fire brigade, the emergency accommodation …

  18 Monday

  Couldn’t go to the gym today – it was their annual stock-take and accounting irregularities general meeting – so we tried out their home couples’ fitness routine, Sofa-cise. On reflection, it may have been advisable to wait until after the twins had gone to bed, but apparently at that age the impact of potentially traumatising events is pretty negligible.

  19 Tuesday

  Sports Day at the kids’ school today. In fact, it wasn’t actually at the school as the field, the playground and part of the hall are being bulldozed this week to make room for a brand new, state-of-the-art, high-security detention block. Instead, the school took advantage of its prestigious location and held the events in the surrounding area. And a full and varied programme it was too:

  Firstly, the Obstacle Race, which took place in the Shangri-la shopping centre. Contestants had to make their way as quickly as they could from the central food hall to the exit, putting on as many items of clothing as possible whilst avoiding the clothes rails, shopping trolleys and security guards.

  Then the canal made an ideal setting for the traditional Puppies in a Sack Race, followed by the three-legged race, also for pets, which was held in the local park.

  Finally, the high street’s dozen or so public houses hosted the ever-popular Parents’ 100 Yards of Ale Dash. Alas, Stephen was banned from this year’s race following his part in the drugs scandal at last year’s event. Tests conclusively revealed he had none in his system, and this was deemed unsporting behaviour as the organisers felt it gave him an unfair advantage over the other competitors.

  On a more positive note, Stephen Junior came home with a host of medals, although there is some doubt as to whether he will be allowed to keep them. It very much depends if they match the descriptions of the ones reported missing from the Military Antiques shop.

  20 Wednesday

  The kids have been learning all about stranger danger today from the man who came to babysit them. No idea who he was.

  21 Thursday

  Brangelina met her new teacher today. Apparently everyone at her school was so desperate to have her in their class next year that they all drew lots (or as Mr Burnside jokingly called it, Russian roulette) to see which lucky teacher would have the privilege. The winner turned out to be a Miss Campbell – a new young teacher from a small island off the Scottish coast. She qualified from Mrs McDougall’s Educational Training and Agricultural College for Young Gentlewomen with flying colours, apparently, and by all accounts is terribly nice. She asked the children to draw a lovely picture of their favourite things so that she might get to know a little about them, and was very impressed with Brangelina’s effort, even going so far as to describe her as a proper little Hieronymus Bosch! I’m so proud.

  22 Friday

  The children broke up for the summer holidays today. I have to say it will make a nice change, not having to get up early every weekday morning to ring the school absence hotline.

  23 Saturday

  Family trip to the cinema this evening. I was hoping to see the new Scandinavian arthouse film, Nils by Mouth, but as usual I was outvoted. Still, I suppose Dude, Where’s My Mermaid 2 had its moments.

  24 Sunday

  Stephen took a rare day off today (apparently the taxi firm insisted) so we thought we’d make the most of the gap between the thunder-showers and have some al fresco family fun.

  I’ve always
said there’s not enough room in our back yard to swing a cat, but Stephen proved me wrong by improvising a Swingball set with my washing line and next-door’s kitten. The kids also enjoyed splashing in the paddling pool. I say paddling pool – technically it’s the overflow from the blocked drain.

  I kept myself occupied – TV-cosies don’t knit themselves – while Stephen watched some cricket or snooker game on the black and white portable with Hugh Junior standing on the shed roof, holding the aerial. It seemed the obvious option as he was already up there holding the lightning conductor.

  All in all, we had a lovely time. So nice to know that in this day and age, Stephen and I can still make our own entertainment – and not just the ‘special videos’ he sells down the pub on a Friday night.

  25 Monday

  Had to pick the twins up early from nursery this morning. They’d been caught calling their teacher names behind her back. Asbo said they’d just been unlucky and that, in his words, ‘Mrs Poo-poo Face must have ears in the back of her head’. Honestly, there are times when I seriously doubt whether I really am their mother. After all, you do hear stories about babies being accidentally swapped in the maternity unit. I’m not actually saying they’re not mine, of course. Just that I only remember giving birth to one child.

  26 Tuesday

  The sparrows have been at the milk again. I don’t know how they do it now we have those plastic cartons. And I always keep the fridge door shut.

  27 Wednesday

  Stephen’s taken the morning off today, while he has the vomit cleaned off the back seat of his cab. He did try to make the customer pay for it but apparently he refused, saying Stephen shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

  28 Thursday

  Usual quiet night in, in front of the telly. I say usual – actually it was nothing of the kind. Stephen made me a cup of tea. Extraordinary.

  29 Friday

  Caught Brangelina crayoning on the walls again so I’ve had to put her on the naughty step. I told her she can stay there until her father gets home. There isn’t enough room for both of them.

  30 Saturday

  Stephen made me breakfast in bed this morning. I hope he’s not sickening for something.

  31 Sunday

  Finally discovered the reason for Stephen’s unusually considerate recent behaviour towards me. Apparently, he found the books I bought Viennetta and assumed, perhaps unsurprisingly, that it was I who was pregnant. Obviously, I had no choice but to tell him the truth. For a minute he appeared quite relieved. Then briefly, disappointed. Then relieved again. Of course, once it really sank in he insisted on a paternity test but I assured him he definitely is Viennetta’s father.

  August

  1 Monday

  Put Brangelina’s latest painting on the fridge this morning. I like to keep them there. It helps with my diet.

  2 Tuesday

  The kids’ school photographs finally arrived today. It’s hard not to get emotional when I compare them to the beautiful pictures I keep in their baby photo book. Still, that second album is always tricky.

  3 Wednesday

  Honestly, since the kids have been on holiday, they’ve done nothing but sit around all day watching the cartoon channel. Today there’s a back-to-back marathon of their favourite show, Shock and Awww! According to the TV guide, it features the ‘hilarious adventures of a 2,000-volt electric eel and his loveable bunny pals’. Apparently, today’s episodes cover loveable bunny pals one to 35.

  4 Thursday

  Oh dear. I just spotted another grey hair. That’s the last time we order chicken from NanDoes – and it was wrapped right round my mini corn-cobette.

  5 Friday

  Went to the gym for the final weigh-in this evening. Thanks to my dedication, Stephen has reached his holiday target with ease, as have I. Although only after I was forced to remove my hat, revealing the bar of chocolate and slice of bacon beneath. I was mortified, but Stephen just grinned at me. I shouldn’t have been surprised. He’s always liked a woman with a bit of meat on her.

  6 Saturday

  Ordered our holiday clothes today from BuyCurious. It’s a website where you bid against other customers for mystery items. You can pick up some real bargains if you’re prepared to take a chance. Last year, I managed to get two pairs of Bermuda shorts, half a dozen T-shirts and a David Hasselhoff toothbrush holder for under £10.

  7 Sunday

  Goodness, what a heatwave we’re having! As usual, Stephen’s wandering around everywhere wearing a knotted handkerchief. Really, it’s so embarrassing. It wouldn’t be quite so bad if it were on his head.

  8 Monday

  Stephen and I were forced to ring the council this morning. This hosepipe ban’s starting to seriously affect our leisure time. Goodness knows what it must be like for people with lawns.

  9 Tuesday

  As much as I’m looking forward to our holiday, I have to admit I don’t really enjoy the packing. It’s such a chore trying to cram as much as possible into a small suitcase. Then there’s the inevitable bouncing up and down on the lid. And Stephen sulking when I ask him to stop doing it while I’m trying to pack.

  Knowing exactly what to pack is the great trick. You need to take into consideration the local climate when choosing which clothing to take, and the local cuisine when deciding between tinned meats. As a general rule I find a stout swimsuit and sturdy jumper cover most eventualities, and one family-sized tin of Spam per day is usually sufficient unless you’re self catering.

  Here are a few more handy hints for travelling abroad:

  1. As well as being a perfect accompaniment to any foreign meal, Thousand Island dressing has a sun protection factor of 25 if smeared liberally.

  2. Socks take up less space when rolled up into tight balls, although this can make walking longer distances a little uncomfortable.

  3. Increased security levels mean that airport staff are constantly on the look-out for so-called dangerous items – save time and embarrassment by leaving bottles of baby milk, firelighters and shoes at home.

  4. Bulky photographic equipment can take up a lot of valuable space in your suitcase. Instead, buy postcards of local scenes featuring people who resemble you and your family.

  5. Leave enough space for those last-minute items such as toothbrushes, deodorant and the baby (excess hand luggage is awfully expensive and it can be a real squeeze in those overhead lockers).

  10 Wednesday

  Three days until we go on holiday. The great passport hunt begins today. There’s no problem with mine or the children’s documents – I keep them safe in the sock and spandex drawer. Stephen’s, however, is an entirely different matter. It can turn up anywhere – down the back of the sofa, down the back of the fridge, down the back of a security box at Euston station. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want me to find it! I think perhaps it might be to do with the photograph. I told him there’s no need to worry, the big silly – it’s perfectly normal to have an embarrassing passport photo. What isn’t perfectly normal is a taxi driver describing his occupation as ‘renaissance man’. Nor is drawing in fake stamps of Los Angeles, Sydney and Toronto.

  11 Thursday

  Only two days to go! We took the dog to Bone Alone kennels today. Sadly, even in this day and age, rabies is still a very real danger – but it’s the only kennels we could afford.

  12 Friday

  Finally found Stephen’s passport. In the gibbon enclosure at London Zoo. It’s always in the last place you look.

  13 Saturday

  When it comes to that frantic journey to the airport it’s a real help having a cab driver for a husband! Having said that, if our plane hadn’t been delayed by six hours, we would have missed our 6 p.m. check-in time. It almost seemed like he deliberately took the most circuitous route possible. And on top of that, he expected a tip.

  When we finally made it to terminal three, we all dashed straight to the express check-in (five items or less) and heaved our bags onto the conveyo
r belt. The girl behind the desk was terribly friendly as she checked our tickets – a little overly friendly in Stephen’s case, I thought. We barely had time to stock up at the duty free before the announcement came over the tannoy that our flight was boarding.

  I’m writing this on the plane, which is about to take off. As we all took up our seats, I have to admit I felt a little apprehensive. Not that I have a fear of flying or anything like that. That would be ridiculous for a seasoned traveller such as myself. Still, there’s nothing wrong with the odd miniature gin to steady the nerves. No, I’m concerned that Stephen’s usual boorish behaviour might further increase at altitude, especially with the in-flight drinks. I know I will have to keep a very close eye on him in case it looks like anything untoward might occur.

  14 Sunday

  15 Monday

  Woke up with the most awful headache, dry mouth and feeling disorientated. Must be jet lag. I’ll try going back to sleep …

  16 Tuesday

  Ah, that’s better. I think. Although I can’t say I’m particularly impressed with this hotel room. It’s awfully bare and the bed is rock hard. And as for that bucket in the corner! I can only say the photos in the brochure were more than a little misleading. I wonder where the others have got to? Causing havoc somewhere, no doubt …

  Finally found Stephen, when he came to pay my bail this evening. Apparently there was some kind of incident on the plane. I’m a little hazy on the details but it seems to have involved myself, several miniatures of gin and an emergency landing. Fortunately, the field we landed in turned out to be a good deal nearer the resort than the airport is.

  17 Wednesday

  Had my first holiday breakfast this morning. The dining hall is enormous with a huge central table housing both continental and English buffets, together with a giant sculpture of the god Neptune, wielding a trident carved from a variety of local cheese and cooked meats (and whatever else was left over from yesterday’s breakfast).

  Stephen’s already booked the kids into the Underage Fun Club, run by Freddie the Fish, Charlie the Chip and Johnny ‘the Knuckles’ Jenkins. Each day they’re removed from our room, kicking and shouting with joy, to take part in a range of fun activities such as Jellyfish Prodding, Russian Pedalo and ‘Who Can Swim the Furthest Out to Sea?’ I’m particularly looking forward to their end of week show, Midnight Express – The Musical.