by Mia Ford
“So, keep fucking him. Why the hell not?” Abbi smirks, over the moon about this. “You already look a lot more relaxed now that you’re actually getting some. It’s good. And it would also be great for you to have something else to focus on aside from business. Even if it is a mistake… a very fun one at that.”
Her words don’t have the desired effect I think she wants. If anything, they simply remind me that I am heading into something wild and stupid, and that if work is all I have then I shouldn’t lose it.
“Maybe I should continue to have fun, but not with Carter. I mean, right now, it’s only happened a couple of times, we can recover from it and move on like it’s never happened. We can continue to just be professional and just make sure that we aren’t alone again. If it happens a third time, it could be problematic.”
“What are you thinking?” Abbi asks. “You look like you have a little idea in your brain.”
“I’m just thinking that I need a distraction, I need to go out with someone else, you know? Carter is bad news. He’s hot, yes, and he does some really awesome things to my body, but he isn’t going to be ‘the one’, is he? Men like him, damaged men who don’t know how to talk to women, are just a stepping stone.” I give Abbi a look. “You didn’t end up with any of the guys who treated you like shit. Now you have Randall.”
“You think you might go back to dating then? Ooh, that’s exciting! Dating has missed you!”
“I don’t know. I think I might. Do you think that’s a good idea? Forget about Carter and meet someone else?”
“I personally think you should keep screwing the hot guy you work with, but that’s just me. And maybe you’re right, perhaps he won’t be the one. If you want to meet the one, then yes, you should date again.”
“Urgh, I’m really not ready for this.” I roll my eyes. “I wanted a break from dating.”
“But then you screwed around with Carter, so now you don’t have any choice. So, it’s time to download your app again and get back to it. Find a man the old fashioned way by seeing his picture on your phone screen.”
“Oh yes, so romantic. Just what I want.” But I do pull out my phone and do as she says. “You’re going to have to help me pick out a man though. You are much better at it than I am. I seem to pick out losers all the time.”
“I would normally disagree with you, but since things are going so swimmingly with Randall I will have to say yes, I am better at it than you. So, here give me your phone and I will sort it out.” She gives me a look. “Come on, hand it over. You need to just trust me; I won’t steer you wrong. Plus, you asked for this.”
I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m sure it’s a mistake, but I give her my phone. Her eyes widen in delight, she looks like a kid in a candy store as she swipes left and right and sends a load of messages. I suppose this makes sense, it’s what I need to do to move on. And as much as I might not really want to, I do need to move on from Carter. He might be hot as hell and there could be something between us, I might even suspect that there’s something more to him than meets the eye, but we work together. It’s a bad idea.
“I will find you the man of your dreams here, trust me,” Abbi warns me with a wicked glint in her eyes. “And you are about to go on lots of dates to purge this man out of your system, okay?”
“I thought you didn’t want me to move on from Carter?” I chuckle and raise one eyebrow at her. “I thought you wanted me to keep screwing him. Now, you’re trying to get rid of him completely.”
“Oh, I don’t.” She clutches her hand to her chest. “But if that’s what you want then I’m here to help. There are lots of guys here who could be perfect for you. You just need to give them a chance. Hey, maybe we could even end up having a double wedding with the men we meet online. Could you imagine that?”
“I’m just going to ignore that you’re massively getting carried away here and hope that you know what you’re doing. Because this is important. If I don’t meet the man of my dreams soon…”
“Then you’ll end up fucking the one who’s bad for you again. I get it.” She rolls her eyes again. “I wouldn’t let you fall off the trail and do something a little bit wild… even if that’s been your behavior recently.”
The one who’s bad for me… Carter is definitely that. But Abbi definitely shouldn’t have worded it like that. Now she’s made him like a delicious piece of tempting fruit who I want to taste more than ever before…
I scroll through the endless messages that I have received back as I lie in my bed, wondering how Abbi has managed to have far more success than me, while being me. It’s crazy. Not only do I only attract the weirdos, I must seem like one too because usually, no one is that interested in me.
Adam: Hey there, sexy lady, it’s good to meet you, thank you for swiping on me…
Peter: Thank you for the message, it’s always nice to get a compliment from a…
Tex: Would you like to meet for a face to face date? I’m much better at dating…
Mitch: Wow, it’s been a long time since I got a message from someone like you…
Jamie: I’m going to start with a joke as an ice breaker. I hope that’s okay with you…
I scroll through them all, filling up lots of screens, trying to find one that stands out to me. I actually have a choice now, and I want to pick the right guy. Maybe this is something I should do with Abbi but she’s at her place now and I want to think that I can at least handle this part of things.
“Ooh, Thomas,” I comment as I see a blond surfer looking guy smiling back at me. “You look nice.”
His profile isn’t too bad either. He has a good job in a bank, he seems to have a good life traveling and socializing, a better work life balance than me, and he doesn’t say anything too weird. He might be a good place to start. I open up his message, just to check, and again I’m left happy.
Thomas: Hello, Raelyn, thank you for messaging me. That was really kind of you. I know that this online dating field can be a bit crazy, so I just wanted to message and say hey.
Raelyn: Hi, Thomas, thank you for your message. How are things with you?
Thomas: Good, thank you. Work has been a little crazy, but aside from that, all good. And how are things with you? From your profile it looks like you have an important job as well. Tell me about that.
We message back and forth for a while, and he actually manages to make me laugh. I ask questions about him and get good answers, and he seems really interested in me as well. It hasn’t ever been like this before. I would like to go on a date with this man, he might be the one to help me get passed these stupid feelings for Carter. This man isn’t complicated, he can’t affect my company, and that’s why I need to focus on him and forget about Carter. At least Thomas is cute, I bet we’re going to have just the best time together. I smile to myself just thinking about how sweet and romantic this could be.
This might be the start of my happy ever after, Thomas might be the one for me, who the hell knows?
15
Carter
Work has been a bitch today, an absolute bitch. I’ve been in meetings all day long, all over the city, which is good in one way because it means that business is doing well. Since Raelyn and her guys came to be a part of my company, things have been booming, especially since I started listening to her. But on the other hand, it’s bad, because all I want to do is see her and I haven’t had that chance today. I want to stare into those beautiful eyes of hers, to see if she wants me to touch her again, to know that a part of her still belongs to me.
We had sex again last night, and I need to know that she’s still here with me and that she hasn’t run off again. I don’t think she has, when I spoke to Gary earlier, he mentioned her being around, but I need to see her with my own eyes so I can be sure. Plus, I want to know how she feels, how she’s going to act around me. This is so important; I have a feeling that it will dictate what happens next between us.
I glance at my watch as I step out of the last meeting
, wondering what I should do now. There isn’t really enough time to head back to the office, there won’t be any work to oversee since everyone will be about to leave, and I know that the building can be locked up fine. I could just go home, to just hang out by myself and relax for a change. I definitely don’t do that enough. I could have a shower, watch a movie, cook a nice meal… just be by myself.
But even as I think that, I know that it won’t happen. There isn’t a chance in hell. I won’t be able to relax having not seen Raelyn. I won’t be able to sleep. She often stays late at the office anyway. That’s how we keep ending up in this mess, so if there’s a chance that I can spend time with her alone, then I will.
I step into the car, smiling to myself. It might be the crazy decision but it’s the right one. Raelyn is my drug; I’m absolutely addicted to her. I need a hit no matter what it takes. This is the only choice I have.
As I drive along, I find myself singing along to the radio which almost makes me laugh. What a turn around this is. I never thought I would be happy going to see a woman again after Anna. I honestly didn’t think that it was possible, but it seems like it is. Maybe everyone was right, even my mother. Not that I’d ever tell her that.
It doesn’t take me long to get to the office, I might have been driving a bit too fast in my eagerness to get here. Thank goodness Raelyn doesn’t know that, I don’t want her to think that I’m some sort of a crazy stalker!
I narrow my eyes at the building, making a mental note of all the lights switched off. It doesn’t really look like anyone is in here at all. For once, Raelyn hasn’t stayed late. I can’t help but wonder if that means she normally stays late for me which is a deeply thrilling thought. I really hope that’s the case… even if it’s disappointing because it means I can’t see her now. I will just have to do what I can to relax until tomorrow.
Should I go inside? I ask myself. Check and be certain that she isn’t around?
No. I shouldn’t do that. I shouldn’t go inside, that’s pushing it too far. That’s being weird. I can’t start acting too crazy because that’s a slippery slope. Being hurt in the past shouldn’t affect my actions now. I bring the car back to life, ready to drive away, but just before I do, I spot a glint of light in the corner of my eye.
Someone is in there! My heart skips about ten beats. I can see her. I get to see her!
I unclip my seat belt, turn the car off, and get ready to step out of the car. The excitement builds even more as I see the only person that I’m so desperate to see standing in the doorway, ready to leave. I don’t know what will happen here, she’s locking the door of the office behind her, we will be in a new territory, but that might be a good thing. It may well transform things into something new. We could do with that…
A car pulls up beside her. I was so absorbed in Raelyn that I didn’t even see it coming. She smiles. This is someone that she’s expecting. Okay, so I don’t get to spend time with her because someone else is already taking up her time. That’s fine, I can cope with that. She has a life outside of me…
Shit. It’s a man. A guy with shaggy blonde hair and a bright smile that I can see from here. It might be her brother, her friend, a man that she knows through work… this is nothing to worry about at all.
But my heart doesn’t believe any of that. It hammers against my rib cage hard that it actually hurts. My brain tries its utmost to find a rational solution, but as this asshole leans across and kisses her on the cheek, it can’t. There is something more going on here, something I don’t want to accept, never mind think about.
I bang my fist hard against the steering wheel as I watch her get into the passenger’s seat. It hurts, but not as much as the pain ripping through my chest. How am I here again? How have I ended up in this position? Falling for a woman who doesn’t give a shit about me? Who treats me as disposable? What is wrong with me?
The car pulls off with Raelyn and the man inside, and I don’t have a choice. I don’t have time to think about it, I just act. Before anything can even go through my mind, I turn the car on and I drive off to follow them. This isn’t the right course of action, and there’s a tiny voice in the back of my brain screaming that at me, but I can’t hear it. There’s a buzzing of pure unadulterated rage completely over shadowing that.
“What the fuck?” I scream out into the abyss. “What the fuck is happening?”
It’s me. It has to be. There must be something so unlovable about me. Why else would this keep happening otherwise? This isn’t normal, most people I know can have a happy relationship. It’s just me who can’t make it happen. I’m the common denominator, so there is something fundamentally wrong with me.
I can’t see inside the car in front of me. I wish I could, but I can’t. I don’t know if her hand is on his leg, if she’s laughing at his jokes, if there’s any sexual chemistry. So, of course in my brain, it’s the worst. This man, whoever the hell he is, is getting a part of Raelyn that I haven’t ever had.
All I’ve had is her hateful stares, her anger, and her body. Lust. Not love.
Shit, is that the problem? Is it because it’s only ever been sex? I mean, I don’t really know anything about her, this really could be her brother. I don’t know anything about her family because I haven’t bothered to ask. I haven’t even attempted to make myself look like a decent person. This isn’t necessarily her betraying me in the way that Anna did, this is probably to be expected because I haven’t let my walls down.
I didn’t let Raelyn in. It’s only ever been sex; no wonder she’s looking elsewhere.
But does she have to do it right in front of me? Did he have to pick her up from work?
If this is a message, a game play, then I don’t want any part of it. If this is me getting what I deserve, then there isn’t really anything that I can do about it. I just wish I wasn’t in this horrible position right now.
The car eventually signals off the road and still I follow. It’s like I want to torture myself, to really know what’s going on. I keep backwards, trying not to be seen, I’m acutely aware of the fact that Raelyn might look back and recognize the car which will leave me in a whole load of trouble. But I stay close enough to see where they are going, which as it turns out they are headed towards an Italian restaurant. A nice place, not an establishment that I have ever visited, but one that’s good for a date.
Of course she hasn’t been there with me. I’m not the dating type. I didn’t realize that I might want to be the dating type until it was too late. Instead, I allowed myself to be just the taboo fuck, the mistake before she meets the love of her life. God damn it, how am I going to get over this now?
“Fucking hell.” I park on the side of the road, unable to stop watching, and I see them get out the car. Like a gentleman, he steps to her side of the car and gets her out. That makes it even worse, he actually seems like a nice guy. I haven’t been that; I’ve been a jerk. No wonder I’m here and he’s there. With her.
I’ve made a mistake. No, not just one, but lots of mistakes. With so many people, but especially with Raelyn. I hate myself for what I’ve done to her. I so desperately wish that I could run out of the car and I could tell her how I feel. But I can’t do that. There isn’t a chance in hell. She’ll freak out and never talk to me again.
I have already ruined any shot that I didn’t really have with her. I can’t wreck business as well.
I suck in a deep breath as he leans across to kiss her on the cheek as they walk inside. She actually moves away, rejecting the kiss, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m sick to my stomach, ill because she’s picked him over me and I don’t damn well blame her. I wouldn’t too. He seems nice and I’m an ass.
After a few moments, the door has closed behind them and there’s no chance of them coming back out. Unless I intend to sit here for a couple of hours until they come out, like a psycho, I need to leave. It takes every scrap of my will power to switch the car on and to pull away. Every fiber within me is pulling me backwards,
but I have to go. I’m already falling apart; I can’t really lose it in public.
I drive home, but I don’t go inside. I park in my usual place but head to a bar instead. I can’t be inside, alone with my thoughts, or I might end up driving back there to confront Raelyn. I need noise, I need other people, and most importantly I need booze. I need to block my mind, I cannot think anymore, and I need to be too wasted to get back into the car so I don’t risk anything.
Maybe what I need to do is find a woman of my own to spend my night with. Certainly not the love of my life, I think I have already established that I’m completely unlovable and that is something that is never going to happen for me, but maybe someone tonight to help me forget.
That’s all I need to do is forget.
16
Raelyn
“…so, yes, it was rather funny really. Everyone laughed at me, but in a nice way of course. No one would ever laugh at me nastily. They all have a very high opinion of me, you know?”
Huh? Oh God, I don’t know what the hell Thomas is talking about, I lost track ages ago. I didn’t mean to drift off, but he’s just so boring. So dull, and pretty self-obsessed too. I don’t know how he managed to act like a completely different person in messages, but he certainly isn’t the person I thought that he was going to be.
“Oh right.” I smile weakly, hoping that I can just skate over the fact that I wasn’t listening. “I see.”
“Hmm, but of course, I won the award anyway. I mean, why wouldn’t I? I’m the best there.”
“Yes. I’m sure you are.” Won what? Should I try and find out? “That’s erm… yeah.”
I don’t like him. That’s the sad fact. I don’t like him one bit. I was already a little weirded out when he said that he worked near me so he might as well pick me up from work. That made me uncomfortable and I didn’t want things to get awkward with Carter. Thank goodness he wasn’t there to see it, as the last thing I want is to upset him in any way, not that I’m convinced he cares that much about me. Then there were his over the top efforts to look like a gentleman. I don’t mind a car door being opened for me, it can be nice, but he went on and on about it like he deserved a medal. Plus, the kiss on the cheek, or an attempted one, was too much. I didn’t like it at all.
